YOU CAN READ MORE OF DOC'S PAST WORK BY CLICKING HEREYOU CAN READ MORE OF DOC'S PAST WORK BY CLICKING HERE
Doc's DIS-patch
by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo
 United States Senator Orrin Hatch |  Marilyn Manson |
NEW YORK --- January 12, 1998 --- A few months back, Orrin Hatch made a splash with the release of his new CD "My God is Love." There wasn't a day without one of the networks making some sort of hay out of this story, usually during their morning news-and-chat programs.
Orrin spacing on the keyboard 
On the upside, it's good to see Orrin making an honest living from his own hard-earned advances, royalties and residuals, rather than having to resort to the usual extortion of lobbyists, businesses and colleagues required to survive in the Beltway. Golly, it sort of warms the heart.
On the downside, The Doc has concluded an exclusive investigation into Hatch's CD for American Politics Journal and can only reach one conclusion:
Old Orrin's no Marilyn Manson. Now, before you start complaining that The Doc is off his rocker, take a closer look at the facts. Marilyn actually makes a solid case study for comparison to Orrin; these two dynamic recording artists actually share a surprising number of common traits:
Based on these commonalties alone, The Doc feels that Orrin has superstar potential.
And Marilyn is a bona-fide superstar. The most recent SoundScan report, a computer-tabulated report of sales figures nationwide on which Billboard bases its charts, shows that over 1,312,000 copies of Marilyn's album Antichrist Superstar have been sold since its release just over a year ago, 6818 copies just last week! 61 copies in Salt Lake City, Orrin's ground zero! This is what is commonly referred to in the entertainment industry as a hit. Platinum, in fact.
Marilyn's CD is omnipresent in record stores. And Orrin's should be, too --- but it's nearly invisible in the marketplace!
The Doc's first clue that something was amiss in Orrinland was that fact that his CD did not show up in the SoundScan database at all. He searched for it with every on line database trick in the book. Zip. Zero. Nada. Fuhgeddaboutit, as we say in New York. Even the collected speeches of Nixon on CD came up --- 8 copies sold last week, probably because none of the juicy, recently released stuff was on them. Even The Doc's favorite indie-rock CD, The Twisted Nixons' debut album on Watergate Records (yes, The Doc is NOT making this up), shows up.
But I digress.
The Doc checked over half a dozen record stores in New York over the weekend --- including J&R, two Tower locations, the underrated and well-stocked HMV store on 86th & Lex, Coconuts, Academy on 18th Street, even "Sam Greedy" (the local "dis" nickname of the once-outstanding Sam Goody).
No Orrin.
He then checked the one Internet store that carries every CD --- www.everycd.com. Guess what, music lovers --- they don't carry every CD.
After calling an old friend in the record industry for some leads, The Doc placed a call to the largest independent distributor of recordings in the United States, Valley Distribution in California [NOTE: all names have been changed to protect the guilty]:
Valley: Good afternoon, Valley.
Doc: Jane Valley, please. [hold]
Jane: Jane Valley.
Doc: Hi, this is Dave Gonzo in New York. My colleague John Record Industry Sleazebag gave me your name and number. I'm trying to track down a CD I can't find in New York, "My God is Love" by Orrin Hatch.
Jane: Hold on, I'll check our database here. [pause, beeps, pause] Well, I'll be darned. It's not even in our database.
Doc [feigning surprise]: Oh.
Jane: Yes, I'm really surprised about that. I read about it a couple months back in Billboard. That's really weird. You'd think we'd have it.
Doc: Any chance of you carrying it eventually?
Jane: I'll ask one of our buyers and get back to you. Can I have your number please?
Doc: Sure, it's [number censored for The Doc's protection].
Jane: Thanks, I will get back to you. Bye.
The Doc also spoke to a buyer at Baker & Taylor, another big indie distributor of books and records. They didn't carry it either, but he suggested that yours truly call Christian book stores "since their distribution system is outside the mainstream of the industry and more geared to their marketing needs."
Hallelujah... a lead, which led to a call to a Christian book store in New York City. Yes, even nasty, surly New York is big enough to have one.
Clerk: Christian Book Store.
Doc: Hi, I'm trying to track down a CD by Orrin Hatch, "My God is Love."
Clerk: One moment while I check, please. [pause] I'm sorry, sir we're out of stock on that CD.
Doc [feigning surprise]: Oh. How soon until you'll have it again?
Clerk: We don't normally stock it, but I could special order it for you.
The clerk told me that it was on a label called Prime Recordings. The Doc then called that label's main office and got through to one of their honchos.
Doc: ...and it's impossible to find in record stores.
Honcho: Our product line is mostly targeted at the Christian retail market.
Doc: But I can't understand how that strategy benefits you or the Senator in the long run... I can't see Prime having sold more than, say, the very low five digits into retail and phone fulfillment.
Honcho: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss sales figures.
The Honcho's last sentence calls for a bit of translation. Note that The Doc set him up with "very low five digits"... say, 15 to 20,000 total units sold. There are three ways for someone privy to sales figures to reply:
"I only wish it did." --- You've overestimated by at least 40% "I'm not at liberty to discuss sales figures, but that's nowhere near the ballpark" --- You've underestimated by at least 40% "Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss sales figures." --- Good guess.
Orrin, if you're reading this, your label's marketing and sales honchos have dropped the ball big time. But that should be the least of your worries. Look at Marilyn's monster sales figures. Now, you can either stick to selling your recordings to a very narrow market segment through limited distribution and retail channels...
Or you could break out as a mega-star. Sure, we all know you'd miss DC, doing the "good work" of legislating, taking PAC money, and insulting people like Anita Hill --- not to mention manipulating copyright legislation to benefit yourself as a singer and songwriter --- but The Doc saw how much fun you were having plugging that Country Gospel CD.
You want to be a star.
So stop jerking around do it.
And the very first thing you should do is steal a few tactics from the Marilyn Manson playbook:
1) No more Brooks Brothers suit, no more soft-spoken Utah legislator . No More Mister Nice Guy. Do a heavy metal album --- it worked for Pat Boone. Yeah, it did get him kicked off the Trinity Broadcasting Network, where he had broadcast "Gospel America" for over 4 years, but heck, everyone from Don Imus to Kennedy talked about the album as a result, and it's still a solid catalog seller!
2) Change your name. Think of the great masters of metal: Motorhead's Lemmy Kilmister, Black Sabbath's Ozzy Osbourne. "DownDah" Hatch --- now that has a waaay-cool ring to it. You could call your band "Batton Down Dah."
3) Speaking of Ozzy: on your next 700 Club appearance, while ranting about how "the throbbing sound of my new album 'God Told Me To' has enough power to tear Satan's head off!", bite the head off a bat. Just make sure it's been checked for rabies --- ask Ozzy, those shots are no fun!
4) Two words: nipple ring. Don't laugh --- it even makes Drew Carey cool.
5) It's been a rock tradition since the heyday of The Who --- and during your band's DC stop on "Death-Metal for Jesus Inaugural Tour '98" -- trash the Lincoln Bedroom.
6) The other rock tradition that's been around since the days of Sinatra-Dorsey: Groupies. It's a virile, rebellious guy thing, especially if you're married and on tour. I hear Kellyanne Fitzpatrick has some time on her hands, and I'm sure you can find some nubile Young Republicans to gawk and follow you around.
"Nuff said. Now let's rock and roll!
Dave "Doctor" Gonzo
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