Saturday, January 16, 1998 -- WASHINGTON -- You remember Bill McCollum, don't you?

He's the guy who looks exactly like a middle-aged version of Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Newman -- with glasses -- and represents some 600,000 "spook-lynching" crackers still left alive in Florida. McCollum really hates "illegal aliens" and sponsors a variety of laws to deport them -- especially if they commit crimes such as not working for slave wages in the homes of wealthy Floridians, or failing to walk into INS officers and turn themselves in as criminals for instant deportation.

He also thinks that all "liars" should be thrown out of office -- even if 150 million people think they should remain.

McCollum sneaked a "private" bill into Congress recently -- specifically, last week -- even as he was preparing his remarks against the President. McCollum's bill calls for the return of one Robert Broley, Jr. to the U.S. from that horrible third world country -- Canada.

Get this: Robert Jr. is the son of Robert Broley, Sr. -- the Treasurer of Florida's Orange County Republican Party! Mommy is a McCollum campaign volunteer -- and yessiree, will she and Dad ever be needed by the McCollum Victory Team 2000!

For the record, young Robbie is a Canadian citizen. But we certainly understand why he would want to escape from the horror of hockey-puck-fanatic Canadians. He was expelled from the United States, where he spent four years in Florida's Marion Correctional Institution -- aka PRISON -- for 13 counts of theft, burglary, forgery and trafficking in stolen goods.

Well, what do you expect from a politician's son?

Keep in mind that McCollum sponsored a law, part of which was actually passed, that deports any alien resident sentenced to as little as a year for crimes which include drunk driving, jaywalking and smoking a single joint at a rock concert. Suddenly it would seem McCollum (because it's convenient) has decided maybe his law was too harsh.

We think not. The "Broley Bill" is just as we described it: a private bill (yes, it's legal) that only serves to get Broley Jr. off the hook. Everyone else -- especially Hispanics and Blacks from the Caribbean -- will continue to be deported for lesser crimes, thanks to that scion of compassion, Congressman Bill McCollum.

Thank God! Our shores are safe from horrible little "Beaners" and "Niggers" who suck at the public trough while lying around the pool drinking Mai Tais and listening to rap music.

Better we should welcome back Broley Jr., a former crackhead "who stole to finance his addiction and deserves mercy because he is trying to turn his life around," McCollum said -- without cracking a smile.

Talk about putting the hip back in hypocrisy. We wonder what he'd say about Bill Clinton's failure to inhale!

McCollum, who lives in some hole called Altamonte Springs, denied that Bobby Junior's father's political connections had anything to do with his sponsorship of the "Broley Bill" last week -- and that neither parent was a personal friend.

Yeah. Sure. I'm certain that McCollum would do the same from Conchita Perez's son who was deported for hitting a cop who was beating him during a marijuana bust in Miami.

And hippos have wings.

"I had met the father literally once or twice and that's it," McCollum lied. We bet McCollum was getting a check on both occasions.

According to local newspapers, "The Republican Treasurer's son has a record dating all the way back to 1984 when he was sentenced to community supervision on burglary charges. He has since been arrested on charges of drug possession and driving under the influence. In 1993 he was charged with forging $4,175 worth of Orange County Republican Party checks."

Jeez -- why didn't he just ask Dad for some of that Campaign Cash?

My guess: Broley Jr. must be a Democrat.

We looked up McCollum's floor speech when he sponsored the "Criminal Alien Deportation Improvements Act" in 1995. On the House floor, he said that past laws "have not gone far enough." His pet bill was part of that phony GOP Contract "on" America, and was not enacted -- but key McCollum hate laws were recycled into the 1996 "Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act" that McCollum characterized as "excellent."

McCollum's "excellent" bill more than tripled the list of felony convictions for which a non-citizen must be deported -- and made the ability to deport them retroactive!

Hey, does that mean we can deport Henry Kissinger for lying about everything from Iran-Contra to Vietnam?

Or did George Bush give him immunity as well?

The Associated Press provided us with this story which underscores McCollum's dedication to the Constitution: the case of Catherine Caza. She pleaded guilty to selling 21 Quaaludes to her boyfriend, an undercover police officer and a "Good Republican" who had sex with her and then arrested her. She pleaded guilty and was put on probation. Now, of course, she's being deported.

Too bad she's not the white Anglo-Saxon son of a guy who hands out cash to Neo-Nazi Republicans in Congress.

Hasta la vista, Catherina!

And Welcome Home Bob Jr.! Welcome to Bill McCollum's USA!!!!!!

We wonder how much that will cost your dad, and we wonder when you'll break into McCollum's house for some badly needed cocaine cash!

Write us, will ya?

-- Mac MacArthur