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Doc's DIS-patch
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The Dee-lucious Arianna Huffington 
January 20th, 1998 NEW YORK -- Make no mistake: The Doc freely admits he's a fan of Arianna Huffington, no matter her last name or her waning, but still present right of center political philosophy.
I have been ever since she still had the last name 'Stassinopoulos' and wrote a thorough and insightful biography of Maria Callas, the brilliant opera diva and most famous (some would say infamous) singing actress of the century.
More recently, Arianna goes by the surname Huffington, having had the terrific sense to cut hubbie loose and retain the name for the time being. No question -- he got the better part of the original deal. Yours truly has made it a point not to miss Arianna's frequent appearances on ABC's "Politically Incorrect," especially the recurring "Strange Bedfellows" sketches with Al Franken during the '96 election cycle.
Al says she's "Beautiful, impertinent, Greek, and evil." The Doc would add "very sharp and very funny." And her new book is also more pertinent than Al's own not-wholly-successful stab at political satire, "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." He should have hit harder.
But The Doc is also a tad dismayed at Arianna this evening. He pulled a muscle on his left side.
Laughing.
Hard.
At a book, not Beltway ultra-right Republicans, for once. And the blame lies at the feet of Huffington and her new book "Greetings from the Lincoln Bedroom," due in stores April Fools Day - a fitting 'holiday' to buy this book and laugh your knickers off.
The Doc never should have twisted his pal's arm to borrow his galley proof of Arianna's latest.
His left side is still hurting.
As if you can't tell, the book is hellaciously funny.
I'm going to do my level best not to give away too many of the book's smiles and guffaws, because they are, with few exceptions, consistently cutting, critical and just plain funny from the start. The book begins with a series of five phone calls trapped in Arianna's answering machine and registered for instance reference in her 'phone log' -- that explain how she finds herself in the Lincoln Bedroom in the first place.
"Greetings" is a modern-day political Alice in Wonderland, replete with the Tweedledum and Tweedledee Bloodworth-Thomasons, a hilarious tea party, a smoking caterpillar, and a psychic Cheshire cat named, if you haven't guessed, "Socks."
But this is a 'Bridge to a 21st Century Wonderland' equipped with an interactive television and an "experimental" captioning device that you'll enjoy if you like the Fox News Spinterpreter and American Politic's "asnides," hot-tub lobbying, bipartisan midnight snacking, and early plans for Millennium mania.
A few of the scenarios fall nearly flat, notably encounters with bipartisanship personified, George Stephanopoulos and Bill Gates, but heck, yours truly doesn't think even Robin Williams can make any of those items funny -- even on a good day.
But Arianna dissects most of her targets with scathing accuracy and glee -- Maya Angelou, NPR, White House videographers, the Olsen Twins, media moguls, Mark Russell, Roger Tamraz, The Spice Girls, The Capital Gang and Sam and Cokie, though The Doc thinks she should have been far more cruel to those two lazy almost-has-beens.
And in the true spirit of bipartisanship, there's plenty of material to make both sides of the aisle bristle. Arianna pokes gentle fun at The Clinton Administration during a prolonged planning session for millennial celebrations, bites the hand that feeds her Lincoln Bedroom junket and simultaneously skewers big campaign donors in a State Dinner scene. Newt Gingrich takes a hilariously merciless and rigorous lickin', which should please all of his enemies in the GOP as should her "meeting" with Newt and Haley Barbour and their newest and nastiest variation on the "Contract With America" which will have conservatives grumbling.
Of course, this new moderation should come as no surprise to anyone who has been following Arianna's column in the recent past. There, as with her frequent appearances on PunditVision, Politically Incorrect and other talkfests, she is as likely to light into Newt's political bumbling and weakness as she is to chastise Bill Clinton -- though more likely on the non-issue of "womanizing" than on political issues.
I suspect Arianna actually finds Clinton charming and more than a bit attractive; at least one usually-Republigal can understand the reason for the gender gap!
Go, girl!
But I digress.
Look, I'm a junkie for political humor. With a sticky college nickname like "Doctor Gonzo" how could I not be a fan of the hallucinogenic gonzo ramblings of Hunter S. Thompson? Bad-boy conservative P.J. O'Rourke's many political tomes are also favorites of The Doc, though his best book, "Bachelor Home Companion" -- and believe The Doc, it is the real preppy handbook is not terribly political.
It won't shock most of you to learn that I also liked Michael Moore's "Downsize This." If you like any or all of the above, "Greetings" is right up your alley -- more satirically detailed than P.J., less preachy than Moore, and almost as crazed, in spots, than Thompson, although far more carefully crafted than Hunter's more recent writings. Unless you are humor-impaired or a direct target of some of Arianna's razor-sharp barbs, you will find at least one "laugh-out-loud" joke on every page -- even the appendix featuring "Dramatis Personae."
Please take note that although this review is three months premature, and is based entirely on an uncorrected proof, I plan to read this all over again when it hits the stores on April 1st to see what Arianna may have added to the mix.
But take my word for it. If you like a good laugh, even at the expense of your own political views, "Greetings from the Lincoln Bedroom" will only be better and is not to be missed.
'Nuff said.
Greetings from the Lincoln Bedroom by Arianna Huffington Crown Publications
Publication date: April 1, 1998
Major first serial to Playboy magazine coming soon.
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Stepford Pundit Alert!
Kellyanne Fitzpatrick - so proud. Of what? 
The voice-over on "Politically Incorrect" introduced Kellyanne Fitzpatrick as a "political analyst," which falsely encouraged The Doc to think she may be getting out of the polling business -- until Bill Maher introduced her as "the head of 'The Polling Company.' "
Frankly, we can't figure out what she does.
Hey Kell! Give us a shout so we can give you credit for your professional achievements.
Item one: surprise! Paula Jones!
Kellyanne, whose hair has gone kind of dirty-blonde, seemed hyped up for fun, if a bit more fidgety than she usually is on "Bitches in Boxes" (The Doc's favorite nickname for "CNN & Company").
Here's the low light, with The Doc's predictably gentle, soft-spoken critical commentary:
Kellyanne: If we were angry to begin with at Paula Jones for filing the caseÉ
Doc: What we, Kellyanne? Are you saying YOU'RE angry at Paula? Bad choice of words --
Kellyanne: then you're going to have to take issue with the Supreme Court who, 9-0, said that she could proceed with the case.
Doc: Sadly, it's Paula's right to extort money from Clinton by filing a politically motivated lawsuit!
Kellyanne: Or you're now going to have to be mad at Bob Bennett, who has allowed this to go on and on.
Doc: But Good for Bob, I say.
Kellyanne: This is no longer Mrs. Jones' case.
Doc: Then why the did she file? Actually, Kellyanne, you may be right -- it's a political attack case plotted and implemented by the radical right -- it's NOT Paula's case.
Roger Cossack: Are you saying you're mad at him because he hasn't admitted that he did it?
Kellyanne: No, no, no, I'm not mad at him because he hasn't, he said he has, uh, done it or not done it, originally he said he didn't have time to be deposed in the case because he's the President of the United States and needs to spend his time doing other things. Now after he's been re-elected he can find the six hours to spend the time giving her the credibility she's beenÉ
Doc: Are you on drugs? Clinton sure as hell didn't set out to give Paula any kind of phony credibility during the deposition Kellyanne, and it's a safe bet he and Bill Bennett probably tore her and her attorneys to shreds!
Bill Maher: Because he had to!
Joan Rivers: She doesn't deserve the credibility…
Kellyanne: Cases get dismissed every day. This one did not.
Doc: Plenty of stupid cases get upheld -- hell, look at the goofy Reagan and Bush appointees who are usually responsible.
Joan Rivers: It's the Office of the President, and never mind whether he did or he didn't do it.
Kellyanne: Never mind?
Joan Rivers: NEVER MIND! Oh, this woman...
Keep booking Kellyanne. She's a hoot.
Doc's Note to Kellyanne Fitzbumbler:
Love ya. Don't ever change.
Doc's Note to Tim Russert:
Next time you book Susan Carpenter McBimbo, do your ratings a favor! Book Joan Rivers instead of Carville!
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