Wheel of Impeachment!
Full transcript of yesterday's groundbreaking episode -- uncut!

Saturday, January 23, 1999 -- At the request of our readers, we are publishing the full transcript of yesterday's episode of America's number one game show, "Wheel of Impeachment." Enjoy!

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

SERGEANT-AT-ARMS CASEY GREGORY: Live from Washington! Silence in the Senate, under pain of imprisonment -- because it's time again for America's favorite political game show, Wheel of Impeachment, where the Constitutional stakes are high and the scores change faster than the poll numbers! And here's your host... author, Gilbert and Sullivan fan and Federalist Society member... Chief Justice Bill Rehnquist!

[applause from gallery as Rehnquist enters]

REHNQUIST: Thanks, Casey... thank you, Senators and viewers, and welcome again to Wheel of Impeachment. When we last left you, the score was 55-45 -- too close to call -- and we were about to enter our exciting "Lightning Round." So let's welcome our two teams back. First, returning with 55 points, those thirteen macho men who ramrodded not one but two Articles of Impeachment through the House -- those Republican Ramrods -- the Mano-A-Managers, headed by team captain Henry Hyde!

[applause interspersed with jeers, snickers, and catcalls]

HYDE: Well, thank you, Justice Rehnquist. I would remind our studio audience that I took an oath to love, honor and... er, strike that, I mean uphold and defend the Articles of Impeachment until death do us part.

[applause and chuckles]

REHNQUIST: Right, Henry -- I hear where you're coming from. After what happened with Clyde Savings, I'm glad you didn't say "for richer, for poorer," 'cause we all know who was left holding the bag after that mess, huh? [laughter from gallery; Hyde forces a smile as he turns 27 shades of gray] And their opponents, playing on behalf of the President, hailing from the law firm of Williams & Connelly and the Executive Office Building -- the Ruff Riders, led by Charlie "Wheels" Ruff.

[applause as Ruff enters wearing a high-tech mike headset, in a newly hotrodded wheelchair, complete with Bose sound system, followed by David Kendall, Cheryl Mills, Greg Craig and a slew of clerks, attorneys and support staff]

RUFF: Thanks, Bill, good to see you again. So whaddya think? Brought my own sound system this time so they can hear me in the gallery. Y'know, we thought this was a reputable game show, but your producers botched my sound so badly this week it sounded like "This Week with Sam and Cokie" during the audio technicians strike!

[laughs and applause from gallery; someone shouts "Impeach Donaldson!"]

REHNQUIST [chuckling]: Objection sustained -- so long as you put on Super Freak and give President Pro Tempore Strom Thurmond a joyride!

THURMOND [in the background]: Yee-ha! We'all'l have mah fun'n a Naght Rahd, Chawly!

RUFF [to Rehnquist]: (ahem) I think it's time for S-T-R-O-M's medicine!

[laughter]

REHNQUIST [grinning]: That's what his staff's there for, Charlie! And now... [walking to his chair] Time to play the Wheel! We're going into our "Lightning Round," where any question can imply salacious content or prosecutorial misconduct. And spinning the wheel for our underdogs, the Ruff Riders, will be ranking minority member Robert Byrd.

[Byrd gives the wheel a spin, and as it slows down, it passes "Censure..." "Witnesses..." "Bankrupt from Legal Fees..." "Depositions Galore...", slows and looks as if it will stop on "Babe-O-Rama," but passes it and lands on "Charges Dismissed"]

[audience gasps]

BYRD [chuckling, spoken under his breath]: That'll teach you Bozos to mess with MY Senate!

REHNQUIST: Wow! Now, this is something you don't see every day! This practically moots our "Lightning Round". But Constitutional rules are rules, and Wheel of Impeachment requires that both teams take questions from our Senatorial studio audience as if we were still playing for a vote to remove Bill Clinton. Mr. Clerk, can we have our first question?

[Clerk hands Rehnquist a folded slip of paper]

REHNQUIST: Our first question is for the Managers, and comes from Senator Lott -- Would you please comment on any of the legal or factual assertions made by the managers in their claim that being a babe magnet is an impeachable offense?

[The House Managers look disgusted and offended, and following a quick and angry quorum, Asa Hutchinson approaches the podium.]

HUTCHINSON: Mr. Chief Justice, I have great respect for these counselors -- they're admirable, they're doing a great job for their babe magnet... er, client, who was being chased by more hot Little Rock sweeties than my brother, the esteemed Senator for Arkansas, and I could dream of having in ten lifetimes. But let's face the facts -- Clinton has good looks and charisma and -- worse yet -- sticks up for the rights of women, even Paula Jones, who tried to roll Bill when she said to a friend "I smell money." All my brother and I seem to catch are big-money supporter stiffs and a skin condition. Along with my Manager colleagues, we're miffed. We're jealous -- and about all the Managers can do is present our theory of the case. We're arguing our point of view. And it's the facts that make the determination -- chicks love Bill.

REHNQUIST: Our next question is for the Managers, and comes from Senators Daniel Akaka, Max Baucus, Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, Jeff Bingaman, Bob Kerrey, Barbara Boxer, John Breaux, Richard Bryan, Robert Byrd, Charles Schumer, Charles Robb, Max Cleland, Kent Conrad, Thomas Daschle, Christopher Dodd, Byron Dorgan, Richard Durbin, John Edwards, Ernest Hollings, Russell Feingold, Dianne Feinstein, Bob Graham, Tom Harkin, Ernest Hollings, Daniel Inouye, Tim Johnson, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, Bob Kerrey, Herbert Kohl, Mary Landrieu, Frank Lautenberg, Patrick Leahy, Carl Levin, Joseph Lieberman, Blanche Lincoln, Barbara Mikulski, Patty Murray, Daniel P. Moynihan, Jack Reed, Harry Reid, Jay Rockefeller, Paul Sarbanes, Robert Torricelli, Paul Wellstone, and Ron Wyden: The economy is humming, the nation is secure, his poll numbers are higher than ever, yours are worse than Pol Pot, and chicks dig Clinton. Are you for real??

[After some mumbling, an infuriated Bob Barr breaks away for the managers' table and storms toward the podium, only to be clotheslined by a quick-thinking (for once) George Gekas, as Hyde signals for Lindsey Graham to hurry to the podium.]

LINDSEY GRAHAM [panting]: Yer honor, Ah'd like to say that Ah b'lieve that you shid only remove a Pursident who has in a calc-you-lated fashin put the legal and perlitical intrest of the people over the good of the con-surr-v'tives such as mahself in a selfish way, that y'all only shid ruhmoove a Pursident who after being bayegged bah ivvverbody in the country, "don't layet thayem bother us 'bout goin' int'a grand jury and forcin' y'all to discuss yer private life," and he in fayact admits to havin' an in'propriyit ur'lationship and still wants ta do the payple's business! Ah would ayad, Mr. Chief Justice, that Ah sayid that "The 'mpeachmint hearin's were stressful for all'v us and the upcomin' Senate trahal will be no less diff'cult" in a fundraisin' letter, and Ah stayind bah those words!

[snickering from the gallery as clerk approaches Rehnquist with a new question]

REHNQUIST: Our next question is for the Ruff Riders, and comes from Senator Thurmond -- Ah'm havin' the damm'dest tahm refreshin' mah mem'ry -- is errmoovin' a juhdge th'same's errmoovin' a Purz'dint? Shucks, whah th'heck not?

RUFF: Do you ask the same questions about the trauma the nation suffers when you are removing a judge as when you are removing a president? That answer must be stunningly different when you are asked, "Should the President of the United States be removed and the will of the electorate overturned?" Methinks the distinguished Senator needs another "dose!"

REHNQUIST: The next question is for House Manager Robert Barr, and comes from the entire Senate: So you think you're a bigger man than Bill Clinton?

BARR [practically jumping to podium]: One can talk around the law. One can talk about the law. One can ignore the law. And as we've seen, one can break the law. Heck, I'm an ex-prosecutor. Back in Georgia I WAS the law. Even when I had to sweep certain... ahem, nasty details under the rug, or refuse to answer questions under oath. Now I'm a House Manager -- I AM the law. I'm Clinton's worse nightmare -- and I've had three times as many wives as he's had. I AM a bigger man than Bill!! I've got the waterbed to prove it! I'M IN CHARGE HERE!!!! IT'S MY TURN TO SPIN THE WHEEL!!!

[Barr runs toward wheel, as the Sergeant-at-Arms and guards try to stop him, but Barr slips out from under them, grabs the wheel and spins... "Endless Footdragging..." "Obey the People's Will..." "Flynted!..." and settles on "Call Monica!" Audience gasps]

REHNQUIST: And it's a fair spin! Now there's something you don't see every day on "Wheel of Impeachment" -- total chaos. And we're out of time! Tune in tomorrow for the remainder of our "Lightning Round" on America's favorite political game show...

GALLERY: Wheel! Of!! Impeachment!!!

[applause; Bob Barr starts dancing with Kay Bailey Hutchison as 2 Live Crew's Me So Horny blasts from Ruff's sound system. Roll credits]

-- as transcribed by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo