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Doc's DIS-patch
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FEBRUARY 17th 1998 -- New York (APJP) -- Oh, those rumors!
Infidelity. Lies. Sexual liaisons. And the press feeding frenzy that followed.
I'm talking, of course, about Frank Gifford, who dallied with bodacious former flight attendant and alleged con-woman Suzen Johnson. If you believe the allegations which were floated in media -- The Globe, The Star, National Inquirer -- including blurry photographs captured in a "sting" operation, Frank was a very naughty ex-athlete, and things between "Gif" and his low-talent talk-show host wife and celebrity, the insufferable Kathie Lee Gifford have been touch-and-go at best.
To be honest, most people -- The Doc knows -- can't stomach the sanctimonious Kathie Lee. The perpetual cheeriness or on-cue crying is hard enough to swallow, as is her unceasing gushing over her two children, Cody and Cassidy, whose childhood must be some kind of Kafkaesque hell with this Mommie Dearest.
Even worse is her truly awful CD of "inspirational" Christian gospel tunes released recently. Howard Stern once called Kathie Lee the "born-again Jewess from Hell," and this CD is more than ample proof.
At least Orrin Hatch sounds like he means it when he sings!
Nevertheless, it's been a bad couple of years for Kathie Lee, and even yours truly feels her pain, if only a smidgen. And it's not just because Robert W. Bly once called her "the Spam of the celebrity buffet". Nor is it solely due to the marital "problems."
Kathie Lee had a ratings disaster with her big-bucks Christmas special, described by more than one critic as the worst such program in TV history, a sort of yuletide "Springtime for Hitler" but without the Nazis or the laughs.
But worst of all, a horrid truth about her line of Wal-Mart clothing was exposed nearly two years ago -- Her clothes, it seems, were made by (Shock! Gasp!) Honduran sweatshop labor!
Kathie Lee shed the requisite public tears and expressed her shame and horror that her cheesy clothing was made by (Sob!) underpaid sweatshop labor.
Gimme a break. Are you telling me that Kathie Lee Gifford, a too-successful entertainer and businesswoman reputed to have strong dealmaking savvy, was completely unaware that her garments were being manufactured in Latin American? Her denials seemed far too much like a tearful Louis Reynaud routine to The Doc.
It was bad enough the first time it happened, but we got a repeat of the denials a few months back when Kathie Lee had a second "sweatshop eruption" -- this time in Manhattan, and this time with less attention. She got the spin control right the second time around, though -- the story came and went in less than two news cycles.
Good for Kathie Lee. She slipped off the radar and has turned a corner at last. And the Doc thinks it's high time for her to put all those recent problems behind her and move on. What's good for the goose is good for the gander -- maybe Kathie needs a good fling with the right guy. Someone with at least one common interest to join them. And have I got a soulmate for her:
House Majority Whip Tom DeLay.
It seems DeLay spent the winter recess in the Northern Marianas (an island chain territory of the United States). And he didn't go there for the just the golf -- he was busy being schmoozed at local taxpayer expense by the islands' political honchos, bankers and especially the garment manufacturers when he wasn't shooting 18 holes on his minimum-$270-a-night hotel's reportedly fine links.
Most of the garment making companies on these islands are actually Chinese-owned, and the owners are allowed to import their own employees from China, though locals also work in their factories. The kicker: despite the Northern Marianas being a U.S. territory, the prevailing minimum wage is $3.00 and hour, the working conditions are reportedly deplorable and dangerous, and the manufacturers can slap the coveted "Made in USA" label on the clothing!
And Tom DeLay doesn't want to see this change.
Ever.
Keep that in mind next time you go clothes shopping: "Made in USA" is no guarantee that you're not getting sweatshop garments, and you have people like Tom DeLay to thank for it.
DeLay is the House's top recipient of the Northern Marianas' largesse: on top of the golf-and-schmooze junket, DeLay received some $6,000 from Northern Marianas businesses and politicians during the '95-96 election cycle. DeLay has thrown every obstacle imaginable in the way of making the Northern Marianas subject to the same minimum wage laws as the mainland.
DeLay also threw a controversial amendment into the '98 Defense Appropriations bill -- a recommendation that the US authorize development on the Marianas island of Tianan. One of the most likely beneficiaries is Marianas wheeler-dealer Willie Tan, a man with ties to both the local power elite and Chinese banks.
I remember DeLay whining about Democrats being "bought" by "Asian influence." Talk about the rice pot calling the Peking Duck black!
Tan threw a reception for DeLay shortly after his arrival for his recent "golfing" trip, and DeLay addressed the assembled guests, promising to continue fighting minimum wage legislation and denouncing President Clinton as a big labor pawn, saying that an increased minimum wage would "destroy the lives of the people here... Stand firm. Resist evil. And remember that all truth and blessings emanate from our Creator." (NOTE TO KATHIE: God-fearin' guy -- a major plus!) Funny how he forgot to mention that it's easy to expedite those "blessings" if you finance and schmooze the political piper, especially if they're the House Majority Whip.
And there's no question that DeLay is trying like crazy to grab for the Speakership. A free-market fetishist, DeLay is in the middle of a full-court press to be the big business GOP "rainmaker" despite the campaign funding controversies which plague both parties. He's been trying to get more media exposure -- though he's been edged out in recent weeks by other GOP nutballs like John Ashcroft and Bob Barr who are more outspoken on the topic du jour, well-known Whitewater "figure" Monica Lewinsky. But he's been quietly lobbying for the job, and probably thinks he still has a shot at the Speakership.
NOTE TO TOM: Forget it, bubba. Newt will be ousted by Tax Day to "run for President" -- and immediately be labeled "The $300,000 Man" by enemies in both parties. Bill Paxon is our pick.
But I digress.
Tom, you don't stand a chance against Paxon. It's an open secret that this skilled pol, whom The Doc admires for his first coup attempt against the Newtster and sees as a far more honest alternative to Newt or Tom -- has quietly locked up enough votes for the speakership.
In fact, once you're exposed as the double-sealing supporter of sub-minimum wages and subhuman working conditions, the good people of Texas will cast you into the dirty laundry basket of political history.
But look on the bright side, Tom -- you and Kathie Lee can run away together to the South Pacific and open up a little sweatshop of your very own!
A heartwarming vision indeed.
'Nuff said.
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