Washington, DC — Dec. 19, 1998 — In a desparate attempt to soften his image so that he might stand a remote chance of hang onto the House speakership, Newt Gingrich introduced the newest addition to his family this morning at a hastily arranged press conference: an adorable puppy.Newt Buys Puppy!!!!
A Dratt Mudge Exclusive! Must Credit or I'll Start Blathering About All My "Scoops"!!
Newt Gingrich's puppy preens
for the camera. Photo courtesy
WashingMoon Times 
"Isn’t he swell?" said Gingrich, beaming with pride. "He’s perky and personable, and I know I now have a friend for life. You know, they say that in DC, if you want a friend, get bought by a lobbyist, but I decided to try something a little different for a change."
"Ummm, Newt," said stealth journalist Dratt Mudge, "that’s not a puppy, it’s a full-grown pit bull."
The frolicsome dog let out a low growl directed toward the assembled member of the press, baring an impressive row of freshly sharpened choppers.
"Now there goes the liberal press again, trying to put their lefty spin on a heartwarming story. So let me straighten this out right here, right now: this delightful little pooch is a full-breed American Bull Terrier. And let me emphasize that for you: AMERICAN. A noble, courageous breed our nation can take great pride in."
"Have you named your new pride and joy, Newt?" asked Wofl Blitzer, kissing up to his Clinton-bashing ally.
"Yes, in fact, after careful consideration and a number of suggestions from PACs, big-money contributors to my own election campaigns, and research groups at Landmark Legal Foundation and Americans for Tax Reform, I’ve settled on Adolph."
"ADOLF?" asked the New York Observer's incredulous Joe Conason. "I can't believe this, Gingrich. You named that mangy little cur after the most evil man of our century."
"Now listen up, you little pinko weasel, it’s Adolph with a P - H. Not an F. That’s P - H. Got that? I decided to name him after Adolph Coors, a great American, brewer and union-bash… um entrepreneur. And you didn’t hear anything about you-enn-eye-oh-enns, the whole bunch of you, if you catch my drift, right Adolph?"
The cute little fella then playfully lunged at the crotch of an NBC cameraman, barking with obvious delight, as Claire Shipman and her producer fled the scene screaming.
"Good dog, Adolph," said the Speaker, who has obviously bonded with his new best friend already.
© 1998, American Politics Journal Publications Inc.