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Doc's DIS-patch
Thursday, March 5, 1998 --- New York (APJP) -- What?
Another anti-Bill Gates screed?
Not completely… there are already enough of those on the World Wide Web already. In fact, a HotBot search yielded the following results:
| phrase | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Satan" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Hitler" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Newt Gingrich" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Beavis and Butthead" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Stalin" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Rat Bastard" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Saddam Hussein" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Antichrist" | |
| "I hate Bill Gates" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Ayatollah" | |
| "Bill Gates" and "Spawn of Satan" |
So, as you can see, that territory has already being pretty well covered.This particular screed has more to do with the fact that Mr. Bill's appearance before the Senate judiciary committee on Tuesday appears to have actually prompted the Justice Department into stepping up their antitrust investigation against Microsoft.
Bill Gates is richer than God. With a little bit of "borrowed" CPM code and a lot of business savvy and blind ambition, he has parlayed Microsoft into one of the most powerful companies in the world.
He is certainly the grand high poobah of the entire computer industry, and now fancies himself a media titan.
He has also carefully cultivated his public persona: that of the slightly nerdy boy genius now living the American dream. His precisely timed media appearances, not to mention his self congratulatory book "The Road Ahead", are not-so-inconspicuously designed to perpetuate this persona.
Gates is also a shameless monopolist, whose de facto collusion with Intel to dominate the home and office computer market has left 90 percent of world with buggy software, clunky interfaces, and millions upon millions of man hours wasted as a result. Windows 95 was no Macintosh 88, if you catch my draft.
I should know. I'm using a "WinTel" set-up to write this piece, and not a day goes by without one or more programs or devices freezing, jamming, crashing, or otherwise raising my blood pressure and adding to my general frustration level.
And no, I do not digress! In fact, if Windows actually did work you could bet your bottom dollar that nobody would mind Gates "monopolizing" the market!
Gates knew that sooner or later he would be dragged in front of Congress to explain what the hell is going on. The inevitable came on Tuesday, and you can be sure Gates probably did everything within his power to weasel out of it.
I'm sure Gates was doing everything within his power to minimize the attention to this unwanted publicity. I can well imagine this scenario playing itself out a couple weeks ago:
(Phone ringing)
Hello?
Gates: Hello, is this Ken Starr?
Starr: Who's calling?
Gates: Ken, this is Bill Gates, president of Microsoft. How'd you like to do a deal?
Starr: Bill, I don't have much time, I leave for work in a couple of minutes, but first I have to face the media and smugly declare that all of my bedsheet sniffing is in the national interest for about the fortieth day in a row, so make this quick.
Gates: Okay, okay, Ken. Relax. Here's the deal. Your problem: you are being pilloried by even some of your allies for retaining your 7-figure practice as a tobacco lawyer, while serving as special persecutor - er, prosecutor. My problem: those damned Senators want me to testify in a couple weeks, the Third of March to be exact.
Starr: C'mon, get to the point, Bill, I don't have all day. I have a full day of torturing Monica Lewinsky's Mom ahead of me, and I want to get started pronto!
Gates: Okay, okay, I don't like this kind of press and media exposure. I'll bet you don't either. You do me the big favor of "upstaging" my appearance by having one of the bigger Lewinskygate figures appear before your grand jury the same day I have to prostate myself before Orrin Hatch, and I'd be more than glad to throw some software litigation Williams and Connolly's way, if you know I mean.
Starr: Hmmm… this sounds like a sweet deal, Bill. But Lewinsky's sure to be a tall order. Can't move too quickly on her -- I want to maximize embarrassment to the President, if you catch my drift. Think you'd settle for Vernon Jordan?
Gates: (pause) You know, I was hoping for better, but come to think of it, Jordan should be more than enough to create a media feeding frenzy. That's not a bad idea at all. Ken, my man, I'll see to it that you and your firm bill in the eight figures defending Andy Grove and me from all this pain-in-the-butt antitrust stuff. Tell you what--I'm even going to have my boys back in Redmond cook up a custom "Unmitigated Bimbos of the GOP" interactive CD for you! Don't worry, it'll be strictly softcore, you know, cheesecake photos and a WAAAY-cool Kellyanne Fitzpatrick screen saver!
Starr: Thanks, Bill, it'll look really swell on my Mac PowerBook!
Well, if that scenario did indeed play itself out a couple of weeks ago, it sure as hack didn't work. Gates got front page coverage on major daily newspapers -- something he was hoping to avoid -- as as well as most of the online and 'net-related news dailies.
Gates' lame-o defense of Microsoft was almost laughable. He invoked the predictable platitudes of "innovation," "excellence," and "learning," while railing against the government intervention he and his allies fear. Following are a sample of his comments, with are "translation" from Spin-glish.
"From the very beginning of Microsoft 23 years ago, our goal has been to create software that improves the quality of people's lives."
[Being an obsessive-compulsive person myself, I consider inflexible, difficult software network that requires a rigid command structure and anal-retentive behavior on the part of the user a way to improve peoples lives.]
'Today, the personal computer has become a powerful and easy-to-use fixture in most offices."
[If you have a master's degree in engineering.]
"The increasing popularity of personal computers is in part attributable to their use as information appliances."
[... not to mention the proliferation of Web sites like www.hornygirls.com]
"One manifestation of this phenomenon is the explosive growth of the Internet, which permits unlimited access to truly amazing amounts of information…"
[and money… I mean, heck, can you blame me for wanting to control the Internet?]
"The rapid rise of Netscape and the popularity of Sun Microsystems' Java programming language provide further examples of the rapid change that characterizes the computer software industry."
[If only there were a way to clear these two obstacles from "The Road Ahead."]
"I am pleased that both companies are represented here this morning."
[I also love root canal.]
"In any case, it is preposterous to think that any one company could ever control access to the Internet."
[Most access, though, is another story.]
"The software industry's success has not been driven by government regulation but by freedom and the basic human desire to learn, innovate and excel. Will the success of this industry continue? I believe the question can be answered resoundingly 'yes' if innovation is not restructured by government."
[The success of Microsoft was originally driven by a bit of " modified" CPM code. We're a very innovative company because whenever another bug pops up in our software -- as they do all too frequently -- we just hammer out a quick and dirty fix or "workaround." If only we could "innovate" a commercial program that works out of the box. But I digress... Can we keep getting away with this? You betcha -- if the DOJ will just stop sniffing around our business practices!]
"As you know, a monopolist, by definition, is a company that has the ability to restrict entry by new firms and unilaterally control price. Microsoft can do neither."
[But we're giving it our best shot anyway.]
To our surprise, well-known country-gospel singer and senator Orrin Hatch proved to be Bill's most vociferous foe. Orrin hit the nail on the head: "[U]nderstanding how these crucial high-technology markets work, whether competition and innovation are being fostered or inhibited, is a very important issue for our economy and our society… [Microsoft] are now a monopoly, and they will have to learn to live by the rules that govern monopolies." Way to go, Orrin!
But the best moment of the hearing came when Scott McNealy of Sun Microsystems upstaged Bill and Orrin. He asked all those assembled a couple simple questions: first, a raising of hands on how many people had computers using Intel processors, then how many used a Microsoft program to operate the computer.
Not a hand went down.
This was not lost on the assembled senators, lobbyists or press.
McNealy also called Mr. Bill "the most dangerous and powerful industrialist of our age."
Bill, if only your software worked and worked well… you'd be dangerous, powerful and popular.
Problem is, not even popularity is preventing the Justice Department from stepping up their antitrust investigation.
Which is what you deserve for not getting Windows right the first time.
'Nuff said.
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