Despite higher wages and historically low unemployment and inflation, American workers remain worried about potential layoffs, downsizing, and even plain old performance reviews. How can we combat this stress-inducing anxiety?

Simple. Accuse Bill Clinton of something.

This technique guaran-damn-tees your continued employment despite manifest incompetence, chronic absenteeism, or even felonies!

Look at the successful Washingtonians who are using this approach to draw paychecks for nothing:

• Henry Hyde and his fellow disgraced House Managers,
• felonious Linda Tripp, and
• Ken Falling Starr.

To pick an anxious House Manager hardly at random, look at California's James Rogan. He's not exactly in the cradle of the reactionary right, as Arkansas's Asa Hutchinson, Utah's Rep. Chris Cannon (Who? The first Mismanager to speak up about the "Presidential Bully" theory), and Adulterous Henry are. What's Rogan's strategy for holding onto his slippery seat? It sounds like this: "Mommmmmmmeeeee! He's looking at meeeeeee!" RNC spokesman (and mommy) Mike Collins has promised the organization will "move heaven and earth" to re-elect the brat and his fellow whiners.

And Linda? While many of the actual workers at the Pentagon are being laid off, she's getting $94000 a year to do... well... even she doesn't know. Check out this exchange with golden-throated Larry King:

KING: ... By the way, are you still gainfully employed?
LINDA TRIPP: So far as I know, yes, Larry. Thanks for asking.
KING: What is your job?
TRIPP: I was the director of a program hosted by the secretary of defense at the Pentagon. Right at the moment, I'm not sure what my job is. My assignment is to write a manual.

I want that job! $94K to not even know what your job is? I've written more than my share of manuals, and I can tell you the going rate is a shade less than $94K. Sign me up, oh Bill Cohen!

Then there's "Falling" Starr, who should be removed from his office for any number of reasons, but it is universally agreed even Iron Balls Janet Reno won't remove him, and for purely political reasons.

But the list doesn't stop there! Many other Americans are successfully using this "Accuse Bill" scheme to alleviate tension, responsibility, and other unsavory realities.

How about Juanita Doe Number Five? Are those persistent rumors about her endangered license to run nursing homes true? Not as long as she's an accuser! She's got the best business insurance policies going: a fiery accusation against Bill Clinton and plenty of Foes of Bill to blow on the flame.

Is the overage modeling arena so wide-open as to land Gennifer Flowers in a nudie mag spread?

Did Paula Jones's Mercedes come from her rock-solid clerical skills?

Folks, I've got to believe we can all keep our jobs, as humble or grand as they may be, if we jump on the "J'accuse Bill" bandwagon. Join me!

Ahem. Then-Governor Clinton ate the last hushpuppy at a catfish dinner in Blytheville, Arkansas, some time in 1984 or '86, causing me lifelong emotional damage! And, Barbara, if I had my druthers, I'd be a great big finger-flipping Scotch-soaked pine tree. Thanks for asking.

That ought to do the trick. I'll be at work whenever the hell I feel like it, some time after I get back from modeling nude for Forbes Magazine on the hood of my new Mercedes. If you have any questions, please see Mr. Lockhart.

-- Dave Gibbons