Pig's Knuckle, Kansas — March 10, 1998 — In a rare demonstration of candor, contrition, and fast-buck publicity-seeking, Internet gossip columnist Dratt Mudge apologized to President Clinton.Dratt Mudge Apologizes to Clinton!!!!
A Dratt Mudge Exclusive! Must Credit or I'll Take Back My Apology!!
In an open letter to be published in the prestigious Journal of Taxidermy later this week, Mudge wrote: "As the first reporter to accuse you of having an affair with Nippy the Wonder Chimp in the Lincoln Bedroom, I do know that I didn't learn a damn thing worth knowing about journalistic standards — in fact, I think they get in the way of good reporting. Besides, the Nippy story did put my web site 'on the map' and allowed me to go from black-and-white to color. If we continue down this path, if sexual witch-hunts become a standard component of our political culture, I can and will be able to start accepting banner ads. But hey, I'm sorry, you got a problem with that or something?"
A White House spokesman issued a statement from President Clinton saying "Who's Dratt Mudge?"
Nippy the Wonder Chimp, reportedly on a fishing expedition with Kenneth Starr, could not be reached for comment, but is rumored to be working on a tell-all book dealing with his "close personal relationships" with Family Research Council head Gary Bauer and MSNBC anchor Jon "The Ghoul" Gibson.
© 1998, American Politics Journal Publications Inc.