TUESDAY, MARCH 9th 1999 -- WASHINGTON -- In case you haven't noticed, except for a brief "have a nice life" statement the President gave at a press conference, the White House has been quiet about Juanita, Monica, Dolly, and all the rest -- and a pall seems to have drifted away from our nation's capitol. The Congress seems like it might actually get back to work, although plans for Easter recess are uppermost in House and Senate minds.

Ken Starr: Still the Uber Prosekutor
Ken Starr, who is under at least three investigations himself, has evidently put the muzzle on his flack, one Mr. Charles Bakaly -- and hopefully for good. We don't see Ken too often these days. The stealth prosecutor, however, still has two grand juries going, hoping against hope that he'll catch the President in another lie.

Spring is about to bloom in the District and the hope of big Japanese tourist dollars for cherry blossom watching is in the air. That won't materialize either, since there is no Big Japanese money anymore.

The world is beating down the doors of Wall Street trying to invest in the American miracle, and stocks are flying even higher in anticipation of a cataclysmic fall.

Things are great in Mayberry.

But don't let this calm fool you.

Already, Internet traffic is focusing on another presidential "rape" victim -- this time in England where the President supposedly engaged in unwanted sex with an Oxford Dame thirty years ago. Juanita Brodderick's son is making the rounds in radio and television talkland and in right-wing Internet chat venues spewing his venom to anyone who'll listen -- including the ill-prepared Larry King, whose popularity merely speaks to the appallingly low average intelligence of Americans. King, who always gets great guests, is successful because he wouldn't ask a tough question of Adolf Hitler. Controversial figures like Linda Tripp love the King hour because they know they can use it as a platform for their wildest fantasies and have their assertions go unchallenged.

Tripp, uglier than ever -- inside and out -- is now showing her true colors, this time nipping the ankles of "her good friend" Monica Lewinsky, who herself has set off on a two-week tour of the UK to push Andrew Morton's tell-all book about her life with "Bill." The British tour is more revealing, since the Brits love dirty scandals as demonstrated by the fact that England has spawned the worst of tabloid newspapers for decades. We wouldn't be surprised to see Monica dancing the night away at some nudie champagne bar or dining on oysters before she jets back to LA for a much-needed month at The Golden Door.

Even the pundits had little to add to the fracas last Sunday. MSNBC, the "all-Monica, all the time" network -- owned in part by Clinton archrival Bill Gates -- has sunk to new lows by examining, in minute detail, whether the Eappen baby was strangled rather than shaken to death. And let's not froget the JonBenet Watch -- now years old -- still rearing its uglier-than-sin head at least once a week.

In short, Americans are bored to death this week and looking for trouble wherever they might find it.

Bill Bennett -- you know him, he's the fruitcake who wrote a Clinton-bashing tome titled The Death of Outrage -- is all over the media trying to save his despicable reputation by calling for some twisted mock trial of President Clinton by a fabricated "court" over which we're certain he'll want to preside. This pleases Tim Russert, the head of NBC News Washington, to no end -- because he sees the very real prospect on the horizon of his career sinking, torpedoed by his non-stop and undeserved assault on the Clintons, now 14 months old and counting. Russert, who often invites the snide, corpulent Bennett on for 11 minutes of the most nauseating preaching about the moral decline of America, has only months before his contract will be canceled. But Russert is fighting to the death, and one way he's doing it is to invite the like of Bill Bennett on his show, Meet the Press, to agree with him.

Aren't you insulted?

Now that Bennett hasn't been able to crucify his brother's friend and client, he has turned his Satanic laser-sighted "goodness rifle" on you and your family. Imagine the cheek of this miscreant, who has to consume at least 19,000 calories a day merely to maintain his heft, telling you that you are glutton for the seedy, and will rot in Hell for your curiosity.

If anything is an outrage, it is the fact that Bill Bennett who would destroy this nation along with its public schools -- still the envy of the rest of the world -- to make it easier for well-to-do middle class white boys to go to private schools on your tax dollars.

The Death of Outrage, indeed -- we can't help but laugh. Try "the death of Puritanism and the Puritans" -- hubristic moralists like Bennett and his bosom buddy Ken Starr, who have poisoned our culture with their self-serving arrogance and judgmental vomit.

Bennett -- much like Televangelists Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and "Dr." James Dobson whom he so admires -- is simply out to pick your pockets through the nastiest and most cynical of schemes. He wants you to buy his book and in doing so seek salvation from him -- a self-appointed Christ of the 21st Century. During that transaction, he will get richer and you will become more disgusted as you read the drivel he pushes.

Year 2000 Elections

The Republicans have, by now, paraded such a massive group of losers before the American public that any prediction of who might actually win the GOP nomination is good. Lamar Alexander, Steve Forbes, Pat Buchanan, George W. "BushBaby" Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Gary Bauer and John McCain -- "The Republican Seven Samurais" -- are tripping over each others' "exploratory committees" -- a misnomer for "spending your campaign money to jet around the country and have fun fluffing up their own egos."

Here's what Republicans, in general, feel about these freaks.

Lamar "The Undertaker" Alexander
Lamar Alexander has a solid 0.1-0.2% following -- and a plethora of resentful GOP fundraisers who are sick to death of this loser spending hard-to-come-by campaign cash. Lamar is a loser, he'll always be a loser and that, my friends, is that.

Bat Puchanan
Pat Buchanan, who I recently saw in Palm Beach scowling at his less-than-gorgeous, dye-job-blonde wife, is the most interesting of the losers. Why, you ask? Because he's really a Democrat in his heart of hearts -- that is, if he has one. Buchanan likes to pretend he's the candidate of working men and women, although those men and women don't stay at the $600-a-night Breakers Resort hotel whenever they feel like a rest and a quick game of golf. Pat will spoil the primaries for someone, however -- probably Lamar.

Elizabeth Dole, as seen by Faust
Then there's Elizabeth Dole.

Oh Elizabeth, what a hilarious web you weave. Mrs. Dole, the husband of former Senate Majority Leader Bob "Visa-Viagra-and-ADM" Dole, has actually convinced herself that she ought to be President -- or at least Vice President. What could be more hilarious? She's running on the "Hey, my husband may be an admitted adulterer, a child abandoner and a pawn for Dwayne Andreas -- but I love him!" ticket.

Liz & Bob celebrate his adultery
Mrs. Dole, who nearly bankrupted the American Red Cross and angered more than half the population of the United States by her mishandling of every emergency in this country, pretends that her nauseating yellow dress and her "See the USA In Your Chevrolet" performance at the 1996 GOP convention has "earned" her a spot on the ticket.

Face it, Liz -- you're a has-been. You're a tired third-tier presidential appointee. And you're a miserable, corrupt member of a corrupt legacy -- owned lock, stock and barrel by ADM, to which you and hubby conferred a billion-dollar-a-year tax credit in exchange for free rides on their private FalconJets. Dole even lives with Andreas down in his private Florida condo development -- "The Sea View." Other owner-guests include David Brinkley (who also sold his soul to Andreas), Bob Strauss (who will auction his to any bidder) and Dwayne himself -- not only the smartest of the group but far and away the most likable! Hell, who can blame Andreas for his shenanigans? He knows how the game is played in Washington, and he plays it better than any American in history. God love the guy, he owns them all.

McCain, the Pillsbury Doughboy of the GOP
Moving right along to McCain, well -- the truth will out on him and that will be that. Too bad that this American hero can't be satisfied for his free seat in the Senate courtesy of the despicable Vietcong.

Watch him carefully, mostly for campaign finance fraud.

And last but not least, there's George W. Bush, son of a CIA sharecropper and a man who made his grade by sitting on Daddy's lap all the way to the governorship of Texas. George and his brother Jeb are extreme examples of the American tendency toward rewarding the concept of Royal Families -- even when the prince is a moron. Like the Tudor Kings, the BushBabies think they deserve to be Governors and Presidents simply because they had to put up with their father. If cocaine snorting, boozing beyond belief, womanizing and cheating investors is your stock in trade, than BushBaby "A" is your candidate -- and will most likely be the candidate of the Republican Party unless he can't take the heat which is about to descend on him in a particularly rigorous manner.

Let me put it this way: if you think Bill Clinton was a bad boy, you'll think Bush is Satan incarnate.

If we assume, for a moment, that the right-wing-controlled media will not give "moderate" George W. a free ride, then we must look to the other six for a candidate -- or keep on searching for a dark horse that might capture the GOP nod simply because he or she was alive at the right place and at the right time. Who could that be? Well, if we get into multiple ballots in Philadelphia and no single clear winner emerges from the primaries, then the answer is Colin Powell -- who might just take the bait if he doesn't have to go through the microscope of what promises to be a vicious primary season.

Powell: Reminiscent of Farrakhan?
Powell, who angers the Black community for being the sellout that he is, is still a major player in the GOP presidential keno game. After all, he's whiter than white, he has had enough family problems to land his wife on some Prozacian material, and that makes him "human" in today's culture. Powell is also a self-serving "war hero" -- even though he lost the only war he ever commanded. Powell will be tough to criticize, because any such criticism will be perceived as racist. He's smart and he's raking it in by sitting on boards of directors (at Amazon.com, for one -- or is it AOL? -- does it really matter?). Anyway, Powell is rich, white, black (no caps intentional), Conservative and Liberal. He is definitely the candidate for the schizophrenic 21st Century.

Now , if only the racist-run Republican Party could bite its lip and realize that.

-- Mac MacArthur