FRIDAY MARCH 6th 1998 — Make no mistake about it: Newt Gingrich knows he's never going to be President. He's conceited and delusional, but he's not THAT far gone.
So why does the latest rumor-mill grist out of Washington smell like "Newt in Double Naught" posters? Welcome to Triangulation, Republican style, and this isn't the beginning ? it's Round 2.
Remember back in '95, when Bob Dole was the dourest, most out-of-touch, and meanest pug ever to Old Boy Network his way into a Republican leadership position? By the spring of '96 Bob was still the same old boy, but he just didn't seem as hopeless. Why? Triangulation: every position Bob took, Newt took to Mars.
Drugs? Bob says tougher sentences. Newt says execute the dealers.
Education? Bob says shut down the Department of Education. Newt says starve the poor kids, and calls the schools federally funded dating clubs.
Budget? Bob says tighten the purse strings. Newt says shut down the democracy until I get better service on Air Force One.
Bob was still dour, mean, and out of touch. Painfully so. But you probably said, as almost everyone did, "Well at least he's not as bad as Newt."
The popular but mistaken belief at the time was that we were just catching Newt in the act of being an idiot over and over and over again. I'm not buying. I think the majority of Newt's public pouts, ethical hiccups, and other rectal-cranial intersections were intentional distractions for the benefit of future fine financier Bob Dole. Folks, we were all duped (yes, you could say it was a vast right-wing conspiracy).
Here's how I see it. The Republicans knew they could either get back in step with the American people OR continue to gorge themselves on giant dripping hunks of money from wealthy fringe groups.
Guess which path they traveled?
Rather than go on a low-cash diet and join the real world, they chose to parrot the (lucrative) slogans of the guns, tobacco, and terrorism-for-Jesus crowd.
And at the same time, they used Newt-onian triangulation to make it LOOK like they were still on this planet. They sent out the Donahue-haired fullback from Georgia to look REALLY terrifying so Dole would, by comparison, seem more recognizable as a human.
It's roughly the same concept as discovering you're fat and ugly, but instead of dieting, exercising, and learning about hygiene, you just get your picture taken next to the Oak Ridge Boys.
This decoy tactic worked so well for Dole with Newt and Pat Buchanan, and on the Left with Jerry Brown in '92, expect to see it a lot more in upcoming elections. Heck, VP Al is probably working on covert support for Dick Gephardt right now.
But who's posing next to the even-worse visage of Newt this time? Maybe it's the ruthless politico on the OTHER side of the Dole bed. Maybe it's spelling "be" champ Dan Quayle. Would you believe Prince George of Texas?
Whoever it is, no matter how far gone they are, they'll look downright mainstream compared to Newt's speaking-in-tongues roadshow.
And most likely Newt will get another marginally ethical "loan" in '01.
— Dave Gibbons
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