by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Thursday, March 18, 1999 -- WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He's richer than God. He's a successful publisher. He's over that nasty-looking skin condition.

You'd think he'd stick to areas where he knows how to succeed. In the words of the well-known philosopher John Belushi, "Buuuut NOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Instead, Steve Forbes is making a run for the Presidency. Again.

One columnist I particularly like had it right: "It's enough to make you pine for the good old days when corporate honchos were content just talking politics at the country club, dismissing the ignorant masses, and writing campaign checks."

And while he may have a flair for business, Forbes is making bonehead move after bonehead move in his latest political foray -- a series of blunders that makes his '96 campaign look like political genius.

Wrong Move Number One: cozying up to the religious right. That ought to turn off the seventy-two percent of voters capable of thinking for themselves.

Wrong Move Number Two: making the flat tax one of his signature issue again. We all know how excited the public gets about tax issues these days -- ask John "Ten Percent" Kasich, one of the only sane Republicans with his hat in the ring, who is now wisely addressing hotter topics.

Wrong Move Number Three: The Internet. Forbes' campaign put out a huge amount of flak concerning the Stevester making his official "I'm in the race! Really!" announcement via the Internet on RealVideo. Every one of the networks carried the story on their nightly news -- an attempt to cast the pasty-faced geek as... well, a savvy pasty-faced computer geek who has embraced technology and the Internet.

Ah, yes, the Internet. You'd think that born-again moralist Forbes would be railing against internet porn like fellow pilgrim Gary Bauer, but he knows darned well that the Internet was opened up to public use not out of some sort of magnanimity by government, academia and the Telecom industry -- but to boost the economy and create new markets.

Well, no kidding, Steverino -- the problem is, Clinton and Gore have been boosting that very initiative for six years. Sure, Gore may have misspoken when he said he "created" the Internet -- but the fact is, he was instrumental in creating the kind of Internet we have today.

Not only that, but Forbes' promise to be "first, fast and unfiltered" conjured up images of Steve Forbes Uncensored that are best not considered.

Worst of all, it's too little, too late, Steve -- at least if you're trying to pull the wool over the eyes of millions of net surfers. And by the way, your streaming announcement was BORING.

Here's another juicy net tidbit concerning Forbes: he would rather that you not know how ignorant he and his campaign team are of how the Web really works. The skinny: A couple of clever grad students in Arizona had already purchased the rights to "www.Forbes2000.com," and guess who had to come begging to buy back his name?

That's right!

According to a number of news reports that went mostly ignored, the Forbes campaign very recently did a deal with the two students to obtain the rights to "Forbes2000.com" -- and had the students agree to keep the exact dollar figure confidential. One of the students did say that last year they turned down five-figure offers from prospective buyers -- which is not surprising, given that "name-squatting" the right domain can get you even more money than a Mark McGuire home run ball from last season -- and all for a $70 outlay.

In all fairness, Steve Forbes isn't the only one to see his or her ideal campaign site name poached before it could be secured. New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman, who is considering a Senate run, has to contend with the fact that the name "www.Whitman2000.com" is owned by internet raunchmeister Dan Parisi, the man behind the hilarious X-rated "www.whitehouse.com" site.

Nor are politicians and candidates vulnerable. Let's say you want to catch the latest loony conspirawacko right-wing Anti-Clinton hate rhetoric over at Free Republic and incorrectly type in www.freerepublic.net.

Surprise! "Cute Babes from Asia! Send Free Erotic Postcards! We offer the hottest, most beautiful women you'll ever see on multiple stages!"

Yep... no less than three browser windows open for "www.babekiss.com"! Now THAT'S a conservative agenda even I might just enjoy!

'Nuff said.