as heard by
Dave Gibbons
We in the Republican Party know it must be difficult for you young, impressionable, youngsters to see all the wild and immoral antics of those Democrats in Washington without having certain questions. Is this the way adults act "cool?" Would my friends think I was "neat" if I did those things? Would I be "wicked popular" if I followed their immoral example?
We just want you to know that we have the answer.
And the answer is yes.
We know you're just a bundle of hormones at your tender age, and that immorality is at the top of your agenda. But that doesn't mean you have to follow the Democrats. We've been getting the short end of the immoral stick lately, and we're pretty "PO'ed" about it, "dude."
The greatest Republican leaders are far less moral than any Kennedy/Clinton/Congressman combination you can name. We've got every deadly sin covered, and some even God Himself couldn't dream up.
Divorce is a little sin (technically punishable by death, but that's just in the Bible), but you'd be hard-pressed to find a Republican leader who doesn't have an ex or two. Ronald Reagan, The Great Communicator Himself, has one. Bob Dole has one. Newt Gingrich has one. Rush Limbaugh has TWO (maybe three if the new one keeps designing his ties). Is that Democratic President divorced? Not on your life!
And the sin of bearing false witness is practically trademarked by the Republican party. But we know you're looking for bigger, more sizzling sins.
How about adultery? There's one we can all enjoy. Biblically, adultery is a pretty tough thing to get a handle on. The Old Testament says it requires sex between someone's wife and anyone else. Guys get off pretty clean in the Old Testament. But in The New Testament, Jesus made adulterers out of all of us. If you just THINK sexual thoughts about another person, that's adultery. Whew! We want you to know the Republican Party welcomes adulterers of all kinds into our Big Tent.
Pre-marital sex (which is also, of course, adultery) is a cornerstone of Republican life. Our patron saint, Ronald Wilson Reagan, walked a pregnant Nancy Davis down the aisle long ago, and we've never looked back. (He was technically a Democrat at the time, but a hard-right conservative Democrat nonetheless.) And our new golden brown boy J.C. Watts made at least enough pre-marital whoopie to father an out-of-wedlock child.
And extra-marital sex (ditto adultery) is a biggie with us too. Standard-bearer Bob Dole "carried on" with a stewardess during his first marriage. Mister Newt reportedly had a few hot-sex-on-the-desk affairs during some of his many candidacies. Did Kitty Kelley really say a certain Republican First Lady and a certain hepcat did the nasty? Sure did.
Care to leer adulterously at a Playboy Bunny? Check out a classic issue with Paula Parkinson, and you too can leer at the woman who says then-(married-)Senator Dan Quayle hit on her at a little retreat in the early 80's. The ex-Veep vehemently denies the charge, but it's as solid as any from Paula Jones, so we're still claiming him as our own adulterer.
Even historical Republicans like Abraham Lincoln had horns. According to letters by the Great Emancipator (who once said if he could save the union without freeing any slave, that would be okey-dokey with him -- can we count that as a sin?), he shared a little log cabin "ecstasy" with his male bedmate. And we're pretty sure they weren't married at the time! The Christian Coalition tells us it's a sin, so we salute the first Republiqueer on the Log Cabin Republicans' site, www.lcr.org.
Don't forget to toke up, rad Republican dudes and dudettes. Newt "Smokey" Gingrich would be proud.
Hell, as long as we're all going to Hell, let's follow the moral example of our own little impeachment peach Bob Barr. Go find a bare-breasted woman (they're out there, trust us), spray her chest with whipped cream, and then lick it all off in front of a camera! Let's see Dick Gephardt top THAT!
And it's not just the party bigwigs who get to have all the sin. At the grassroots, we support sins up to and including incest and murder. Just ask that darling Smith family from a few years ago. You know, the one where the prominent local Republican/Christian Coalition leader had loads of consensual sex with his daughter, who then murdered her two children and blamed it on an imaginary Negro! Whoa, mama, how many sins is that?
So when you see a stream of well-financed women saying our Democratic President is having all the fun, remember Republicans are "rad" and "cool" and immoral too.
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