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…he's no match for Judy Woodruff!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 6th 1998 --- New York (APJP) -- This interview was originally held between CNN's Judy Woodruff and Rep. Dan Burton, Witch Hunter in Chief for the ultra-right Republican Party. Burton, who was caught along with his staff altering, doctoring and changing the meaning of jailhouse tapes of telephone calls made by Webster Hubbell talking to his wife, lawyers and colleagues, raised his nuttiness to new heights -- which has driven House Speaker Newt Gingrich to consider replacing him as Chairman of the powerful House Government Reform and Oversight Committee.
Late this morning, CNN reported that Burton's head henchman, chief House Government Reform and Oversight Committee investigator David Bossie, resigned -- under pressure from Republican members of the committee! Sources state that Bossie "fell on his sword" in an effort to take the heat for Burton's ultimate decision to release the doctored tapes -- and effort which may not be enough to keep Burton from getting the boot himself.
Burton, who sources say could be indicted under federal law for evidence tampering, remained brash during his interview with Woodruff. She was obviously disgusted by his lame excuses and his attempts to blame the media for the fact that he has become the laughingstock of Congress, the subject of myriad jokes and barbs inside and outside the Beltway, and worse.
Burton himself is under investigation for shaking down -- extorting -- a lobbyist and the Government of Pakistan for campaign cash. He is also known as "Cantaloupe Dan" for shooting at melons in his back yard in a laughable effort to "prove" Vince Foster was murdered by his friends -- Hillary and Bill Clinton.
The editors thought it might be fun to "doctor" the transcripts of the Woodruff/CNN interview kindly provided to us from Atlanta.
The (parenthetical comments) are our additions. They are the "minds" of Woodruff and Burton -- what they were thinking during the interview which, even without our alterations, made Burton look like the Joe McCarthy clone he truly is!
Have fun!
The Woodruff / Burton Interview
NOTE: THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
(BUT YOU CAN BE SURE ANYTHING IN PARENTHESES WAS GOING THROUGH THEIR MINDS!)
JUDY WOODRUFF, CO-HOST: Now joining us, the man (cretin) at the center of the Hubbell tapes controversy, the chairman of the House Government Reform & Oversight Committee, Dan Burton, Republican of Indiana (dumb state). He joins us now from Indianapolis (Venus). Mr. Burton, thank you for being with us (yeah, sure).
REP. DAN BURTON [R-IN], HOUSE GOVERNMENT REFORM & OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: You're welcome, Judy (you *#%^itch). I'd like to start off saying that when I do interviews on shows like yours (which I rarely get invited to do) and Bernie's, I really (and stupidly) expect to be treated fairly (because I'm a sociopath), and I want you to know that that pre-interview piece that you showed was very biased (although giving a true picture of my psychoses), and I think your producers know it (even without a psychiatric degree). All I ask out of you and CNN is a modicum of fairness (and to feel sorry for the mentally disturbed). Regarding my subpoena power, I didn't get that out of the air (haaaaha, ha - that's good). That was granted to me by the U.S. House of Representatives (unwisely).
WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, we appreciate that (about as much as we appreciate diaper rash). As you know, we try not to be biased in our reporting (unless it's reporting on a psychopath like you - you McCarthyesque bigot). We identified that as flashbacks (yeah -- like something akin to what Vietnam Vets experience) to some of the more controversial (hilariously grotesque) moments on your committee. But if I may, I'm going to go ahead and launch into these questions today (might as well, there's no dealing with a nut). As you're aware the ranking Democrat on your committee, Mr. Waxman, had said the release of these tapes today would be a serious invasion of the privacy of Mr. Hubbell and his wife and their friends and associates (he also told me you are a certifiable fruitcake).
Did you take that into consideration? (Not that you could!)
BURTON: I certainly did. We had over 150 hours of tapes, Judy, and we condensed (doctored) them down to about an hour (of sound bites having not much of anything to do with reality). Then we were criticized because they said we altered the tapes and altered the meaning of the tapes. We can't have that (but we can DO it). The credibility of this investigation is so important (to me and my fellow Venusians) that even though I don't want to divulge personal things about Mr. and Mrs. Hubbell (that always gets 'em) , in order to keep the integrity (ha, haha, ha -- "integrity" -- that's another good one! That'll throw her off) of the committee intact, and the investigation intact, I had no choice but to release those tapes (sure, and Mickey Mouse is Chinese).
WOODRUFF: Does this new material on balance cast Mr. Hubbell and the Clintons in a better light?
BURTON: Oh, I don't think so (damn, I knew I should have burned those tapes). I think that when any objective (insane) person listens to these tapes, they'll know that Suzy Hubbell and Webb Hubbell were very concerned about Suzy Hubbell losing her job (who wouldn't be?) , and that Webb Hubbell said very clearly "I guess I have to roll over one more time" in order that she wouldn't be jeopardized (wonder if they play "doggy" on the phone?).
WOODRUFF: If that's the case, then why didn't you go ahead and release all this material to begin with? (What a liar he is!)
BURTON: Because, as I said before (this is good), on those tapes and I'm sure you're going to listen to them, you'll hear personal things between Mr. Hubbell and his wife (like the fact that they are running out of grocery money and their daughter cannot attend college and she loves him). I didn't think those things should be in the public domain (well, I really didn't care, but it sounds good doesn't it?). So we tried to edit those things out (yeah, sure, we REALLY tried -- heh heh heh). But unfortunately, the media and the Democrats said oh, my gosh we altered the tapes to alter the meaning, and I don't want that to be the case whatsoever (even though it is). So I had no choice but to go ahead and release the tapes in question (that or be indicted for obstruction of justice and tampering with evidence.)
WOODRUFF: So when Mr. Waxman, Congressman Waxman says, quote, "there was a systematic effort to mislead the public," he says, quote, "crucial passages that appear to exonerate the president and the first lady were deleted." Your response (as if I care).
BURTON: My response is (of course he's right) that this should be laid to rest right this minute because you got the tapes (and because this could cost me my seat in Congress). You can listen to every single word on them. The American people will know for sure very clearly what was said by Mr. Hubbell and his wife (but worse, they'll also know what we tried to cut out).
WOODRUFF: Did you or your staff again, as Mr. Waxman charges, intentionally alter the transcripts? (Why am I asking this? OF COURSE HE DID!!! I can't stand treating this creep with respect.)
BURTON: Of course not. (...not!) When you've got 150 hours of tapes and you condense (alter) it, condense down to one hour (of lies and my personal conspiratorial fantasy), obviously you're going to do things people will be concerned about. They'll say you left too much in or took too much out (or that you were an idiot to make any of the tapes public in the first place). I'll tell you in this, anybody who came in and wanted listen to those tapes and the transcripts we were allowing them to listen to the tapes (well, we had to because those damn Democrats had a copy too). The tapes were there and they looked at transcripts and stopped where the transcripts were instead of listening to the tapes (except for that motha&$%#*@ Tim Russert).
WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, what do you say to these new reports late today that Democrats are considering announcing that they will go along with immunity for some witnesses, for Whitewater witnesses, if you will step down as chairman of the committee? (God, I hope he doesn't -- he's such a putz, and it's fun to embarrass him!)
BURTON: Let me just tell you, every single person (moron) who has investigated this administration, whether it's Mr. Starr (oh shoot, I was supposed to say "Judge" Starr, Frank Luntz is gonna kill me), Senator Thompson, myself, Congressman Clinger (phonetic) or Congressman Leach, every single person who has even raised one issue about this administration has been attacked, vilified and they've tried to destroy them, and that includes the women that are involved as well. (Well, that's not true, but it sure sounds good -- who ever vilified Leach and Clinger? What women -- those bimbos? Ha, ha, haha!)
All I can say to you is that I'm not going to be intimidated by Mr. Waxman or the Democrats (Lord, if that were only true). We're going to continue with our investigation (witch hunt). We're going to do it in an honorable (dishonorable) way because the American people have a right to know the truth (hey, who said that anyway?). They have a right to know whether or not our foreign policy was compromised because of campaign contributions , and they have a right to know if our defense was jeopardized because of campaign contributions .
WOODRUFF: (God, this guy is really off his rocker! WHAT foreign policy compromise? WHAT defense compromise? What the hell do I ask him now…) What about, Mr. Burton, the so-called growing worries among Republican ranks in the House about how your investigation has been conducted? We're told that some aides to Speaker Gingrich went to members of your staff, asking that communications be improved, and saying that they were very critical of the way these tapes were released last week. (Gingrich called me at home at 4:00 AM to tell me that. Doesn't that guy ever sleep?)
BURTON: Well, let me just tell you this. You guys always come up with unnamed sources. You name them (she'll never be able to do that). The fact of the matter is I meet with the speaker on a regular basis (once every two years to beg for money) and you and everybody in the media says unnamed sources said this and unnamed sources said that (Waaaaaaaah! Waaaaaah!). I'm still the chairman (I hope). I'm going to be the chairman. (Dammit!) I'm working with the speaker (working under delusion to get his job) and I'm working with Representative Thomas (she'd better not say "Who?") to get to the bottom of this scandal, and I'm not going to change and I'm not going to back off (because I'm INSANE).
WOODRUFF: (Who the heck is is Rep. Thomas?) So is it not the case then that some aides to Speaker Gingrich met with members of your staff to discuss the way this investigation is going now?
BURTON: (Jeez, I can't lie -- let me try this…) I meet with the speaker on a regular basis. My aides meet with aides to the speaker on a regular basis, so that's not an uncommon thing (I'm the only "uncommon" thing).
WOODRUFF: (What a sleazebag!) Well, let me ask you about this, Mr. Burton. You have become, to a large degree now, the center of a controversy (an unrivaled laughingstock) here, the focus of a controversy (jokes about you that won't stop). Is that -- and one has to assume that wasn't your initial intent (but I do). What has gone awry here? (His cortex!)
BURTON: Let me ask you what has gone awry with Mr. Starr's investigation? (Yeah, the old bait and switch)! You guys report on TV all the time that his numbers have been driven down to 11 percent. Some of do you it with glee. Anyone who is investigating the president is going to be attacked, and I'm no exception. (Yeah -- that'll get her!)
And I fully expected that when I started. Newt fully expected that I would be attacked, and I have (Newt's my Daddy). But I have a job to do, just like the President says he has a job to do. I have a job to do to try to get to the bottom of this (to destroy Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton and all their friends, colleagues, associates, even their garbage man!), just like Mr. Starr does, and I'm not going to shirk my responsibility. (So there!)
WOODRUFF: Do you have any intention of reconsidering your role as chairman of the committee? (Why don't you resign, you dolt?) Do you plan to stay on in that position?
BURTON: Of course (I hope to God). You don't stop an investigation like this right in the middle of it. When you hear the other side squealing like a bunch of pigs (nice touch, huh) then you understand you're getting somewhere near the truth. And they're all screaming to high heaven (as I slash their throats, and there's blood everywhere and the pigs are writhing in it and then about a billion giant horse flies zone in on them and start sucking the blood from their disgusting pig throats!… Ahh HAAAAAha, haha, haha, haaha, ha). They want me out of there because they're feeling the pressure (put them on the defensive -- no matter that I'm crazy). Mr. Hubbell's comments themselves are pretty dog gone revealing (he knew I wanted to subpoena his dog), and they don't want that sort of thing out in the public, because they don't want the people to know what's going on.
WOODRUFF: And among your own Republican ranks, are you not concerned that some of your own colleagues in your own party may be having misgivings about the way this is going? (Translation -- that you are certifiably insane!)
BURTON: Who are you talking about? (Tricky, huh?)
WOODRUFF: Well, for one, Congresswoman Connie Morella, who did not vote for immunity the last go-around. (She also never comes to your committee meetings. She's too embarrassed!)
BURTON: Well, Connie has been a very good member of my committee and Connie and I work very well together (I haven't seen that woman in months). We have had differences of opinion like all members do (she slapped me in the face), but she's a good committee member and I have no problem with our work relationship. So I don't know where you're getting that (when in doubt - lie).
WOODRUFF: All right, Congressman Dan Burton, chairman of the House Reform Oversight Committee -- Government Reform & Oversight Committee (and buffoon), we thank you very much (I'm actually gagging) for joining us. (Where's an airsickness bag when you really need one?)
…and that's the way it was -- in our dream.
-- The Editors
Editing Antics with DJ Dan Burton
by Dave Gibbons
May 6, 1998 -- You know, I've been following politics for at least a few weeks now, and I never knew that Congressweasel Dan Burton was an aspiring radio DJ! That trick with painstakingly editing the Hubble tapes to make them sound "dirty" is a classic from shows with names like "The Morning Zoo," and "Krazy with Your Koffee." If you check out "Twisted Tunes" website (www.twisted-tunes.com), you can even find the Commander-in-Chief saying "The President's tool is so incomprehensibly large... you can all be proud of that."
I guess I expect this kind of thing from Howard Stern or some haggard croaker with a sidekick named "Dogboy", but the chairman of the committee in the House of Representatives? Well, right-wing puppetmaster Roger Ailes does run a "news" network, so maybe Burton's trying to set himself up with a job for after the censure.
Anyway, the chairman's abridgment inspired me, I guess, and I whipped up a few "clarified" versions of an interview he did on CNN. I promise that every word you see (minus the stage directions) was spoken by Mr. Burton or Judy Woodruff, so it's true to his committee's editing techniques. Of course, who's really to say how you should spell the word "meet" when you transcribe it from a tape?
The original (unclean) version can be found at this address:
http://allpolitics.com/1998/05/05/ip.burton/
JUDY WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, thank you for being with us.
REP. DAN BURTON (R-IN): You're Judy. I like Bernie, and I think your
producers know it. All I ask of you is GET OUT OF THE AIR!
WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, we appreciate that you know flashbacks. But if I may,
I'm going to go ahead and launch into these questions today. Did you take
"that?"
BURTON: I certainly did! We had over 150, Judy, and we condensed them down.
Then we were "altered." (pause) Oh, I think I have to roll one.
WOODRUFF: Go ahead.
BURTON (paranoid): I'm sure you're going to listen to them... Mr. Hubbell
and his wife... the media.. the Democrats... Oh, my gosh we altered the
tapes to alter the meaning!
(a few moments of silence while Burton regains some composure)
Of course when you've got 150 and you condense it down you're going to do
things people will be concerned about. They'll say you left too much in or
took too much out.
WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, do you "step down?"
BURTON: Every single one.
WOODRUFF: What about, Mr. Burton, the growing among Republican ranks in the
House? Speaker Gingrich?
BURTON: Well, let me just tell you guys I'm the source. I'm still the man.
I'm going to be the man. I'm working the speaker and his numbers have been
driven down to 11 percent. Some do you it with glee, and I'm no exception.
WOODRUFF: Do you have any intention of reconsidering your "roll?"
BURTON: Of course you don't stop right in the middle of it. (closing his
eyes in bliss) When you hear the squealing ... a bunch of pigs ... then you
understand ... the truth ... they're all screaming ... pretty dog ...
WOODRUFF: All right, Congressman Dan Burton, chairman of the House
Government Reform & Oversight Committee, we thank you very much for joining
us.
BURTON: (garbled)
JUDY WOODRUFF: Now joining us, the man at the center of the Hubbell tapes
controversy, the chairman of the House Government Reform & Oversight
Committee, Dan Burton, Republican of Indiana. Mr. Burton, thank you for
being with us.
REP. DAN BURTON (R-IN): You're welcome, Judy. I'd like to start off saying I
really want you, and I think your producers know it.
WOODRUFF: Mr. Burton, we appreciate that.
BURTON: I certainly want release. Oh, I guess I have to roll over one more
time.
WOODRUFF: Go ahead.
BURTON: I'm going to listen to personal things between Mr. Hubbell and his
wife. Oh, my gosh, I want that release. I should be laid right this minute.
In... out...
WOODRUFF (looking concerned): Mr. Burton, what do you say to some water?
BURTON: Let me just investigate this raised one. All I can say to you is
that we're going to do it.
WOODRUFF: What about, Mr. Burton, the growing worries among Republican ranks
in the House about your conduct? We're told that some aides to Speaker
Gingrich went to members of your staff, saying that they were very critical
of the "release."
BURTON: Well, let me just tell you this. Guys always come with the Speaker
on a regular basis. I'm working the speaker and I'm working Representative
Thomas to "get to the bottom," and I'm not going to change and I'm not going
to back off. I meat the Speaker on a regular basis. My aides meat aides to
the Speaker on a regular basis, so that's not an uncommon thing.
WOODRUFF: Well, Mr. Burton. You have become large.
BURTON: Let me do you with glee! I have to get to the bottom!
WOODRUFF: Do you have any intention of reconsidering your "roll?" Do you
plan to stay in that position?
BURTON (pained): Of course. You don't stop like this right in the middle of
it. When you squeal like a pig, then you're getting somewhere... They want
me... Mr. Hubbell's pretty.
WOODRUFF: All right, Congressman Dan Burton, chairman of the House
Government Reform & Oversight Committee, we thank you very much for joining
us.
BURTON: Thank you.
...hey, that's kind of fun! Maybe when Mr. Burton goes out of the witch hunt
business and joins the Rush Limbaugh show, I can call him up for a job.
- Dave Gibbons
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