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FEATURE Has Bob Dole Gone Soft?
Bob Dole before he bought Pfizer Stock. THURSDAY, MAY 8th 1998--NEW YORK - It's not a husky secret that former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole is the Watergate neighbor of Monica Lewinsky. But until this week, not many of us knew that "ADM Bob" had gone soft after his winning bout with prostrate cancer. Dole, always a tough but cheerful Republican, was known as a hard taskmaster during his 200-plus years in the Senate and a firm campaigner as he tried to wrest the White House from the clutches of William Jefferson Clinton, know as "Solid Bill" to thousands of Washington's most hopeful women.
But Bob's flaccid performance in 1996 pushed him to defeat.
From a winning senator to a losing presidential hopeful, Dole wandered the nation trying to get someone to take his personal check -- but was forced to use his VISA debit card at every turn. His beautiful wife Elizabeth, oft rumored to be the next Dole penetration into the Oval Office bake-off, was beside herself with worry. Here was her strapping husband -- a war hero and aging demigod of the old right -- getting mushy in his middle years. What's a girl to do?
The Doles in "rockier" times.
Everyone familiar with her knows that Mrs. Dole doesn't fool around, so she picked herself up and dragged Bob over to Pfizer Pharmaceuticals headquarters where his renown got him a place in the drugmaker's protocol to test the new "macho-pill" Viagra on old men. Viagra, a tablet known as the best bang for your ten bucks in America, was a sizable hit with the Doles. Bob, never known for overstatement, told Larry King that Viagra was an "effective drug," but Elizabeth could be heard cooing back stage, "It's the drug that puts your money where you mouth was!"
Dole was so excited by the new pill that he strutted around the locker room of Congressional Country Club humming show tunes and laughing at other octogenarians who had taunted him with epithets like "Dangle Dole," "Squishy Bob," "The Sponge Senator," and "Re'pulp'lican Leader Dole."
Now he had his revenge.
Bob tries to "relax" by the Watergate pool after a quickie "Pfizer Phix." Rumor has it that once the Lewinsky scandal was revealed it was all Elizabeth could do to keep Bob from hanging in the hallway near Monica's apartment with a bottle of Viagra clutched in his hand. "Comfy Bob" had metamorphosed into "Big Bad Bob." Once he was spotted around the Watergate pool wearing a red Speedo, swim goggles and a baggie filled with little blue pills.
What are Viagra's side effects? We have heard that approximately 10% of the study group experienced side effects such as headaches, nausea, facial flushing, and diarrhea. Dole, always prepared, purchased aspirin, seasick pills, makeup and Pepto by the case before he began the course.
Dole participated in a group protocol called "Healthy elderly volunteers" (65 years or over). The group had a "reduced clearance of sildenafil, with free plasma concentrations approximately 40% greater than those seen in healthy younger volunteers (18-45 years)," according to Pfizer.
In plain English, this means that Dole will probably be battling teenage acne before long.
Larry King remarked that he didn't remember Dole's piercing aqua eyes. But a comprehensive battery of visual function tests was conducted at doses of Viagra up to twice the maximum recommended dose. "Mild, transient, dose-related impairment of color discrimination (blue-green) was detected using the Farnsworth-Munsell 100-hue test, with peak effects near the time of peak plasma levels," said a Pfizer scientist. Dole told King that he "conducts his own Farnsworth tests at home."
The President Strikes Out
Meanwhile, back at her trailer park in Tinseltown, Paula Jones could he heard laughing out loud. "They'll be no fun in his future," she giggled, as she read the Viagra label:
"Agents for the treatment of erectile dysfunction should be used with caution in patients with anatomical deformation of the penis (such as angulation, cavernosal fibrosis or Peyronie's disease), or in patients who have conditions which may predispose them to priapism."
Dole Shifts his Focus
Dole has now jumped on the prostate bandwagon, shunning Thanksgivings with the poor for the fight against enlargement of "the gland."
"There are many men out there -- millions of men -- who suffer from impotence and this [Viagra] may be the first step,'' he said to Larry King. Dole said he had been cured of prostate cancer, but urged all men over 40 years of age to be tested for signs of enlargement in the prostate gland. "Early detection is the name of the game, just the same as with breast cancer,'' the Kansas Republican drooled, giggling that he had set up a prostate testing booth at the Kansas State Fair during the past few years, providing thousands of men with the opportunity to be tested.
Our reliable sources have it that a Dole "Viagra Booth" is the next step! - The Editors
"JK, a client, a friend, and one of the keenest minds in American politics, told me one afternoon: 'A good place to begin thinking critically about American and Western European democracies to ask yourself: What kind of man or woman would choose to run for public office? Think about that.' - I did."
THURSDAY, MAY 8th 1998--NEW YORK - It's not a husky secret that former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole is the Watergate neighbor of Monica Lewinsky. But until this week, not many of us knew that "ADM Bob" had gone soft after his winning bout with prostrate cancer. Dole, always a tough but cheerful Republican, was known as a hard taskmaster during his 200-plus years in the Senate and a firm campaigner as he tried to wrest the White House from the clutches of William Jefferson Clinton, know as "Solid Bill" to thousands of Washington's most hopeful women.
Everyone familiar with her knows that Mrs. Dole doesn't fool around, so she picked herself up and dragged Bob over to Pfizer Pharmaceuticals headquarters where his renown got him a place in the drugmaker's protocol to test the new "macho-pill" Viagra on old men. Viagra, a tablet known as the best bang for your ten bucks in America, was a sizable hit with the Doles. Bob, never known for overstatement, told Larry King that Viagra was an "effective drug," but Elizabeth could be heard cooing back stage, "It's the drug that puts your money where you mouth was!"
Rumor has it that once the Lewinsky scandal was revealed it was all Elizabeth could do to keep Bob from hanging in the hallway near Monica's apartment with a bottle of Viagra clutched in his hand. "Comfy Bob" had metamorphosed into "Big Bad Bob." Once he was spotted around the Watergate pool wearing a red Speedo, swim goggles and a baggie filled with little blue pills.
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