Wednesday, May 26, 1999 -- BELGRADE -- Slobodan Milosevic is flying 747s filled with Mexican laborers and their families to Kosovo on a 10-flight-a-day schedule -- seven days a week. All told, more than 25,000 Mexicans are landing at Kosovo International Airport each week. Newswire reporters from UPI, Reuters and ITA are on the scene in hangars filled with itinerant Mexican field hands who have been denied entry in the United States. The Milosevic strategy: to train Mexicans to pretend they are Kosovar "refugees" fleeing from the Serbs.

Wind of this scheme was uncovered by ace reporter Matt Drudge, who is holed up in Macedonia dressed as a Greek female impersonator. Late last Friday, Drudge met a border guard who told him that he had just processed a Kosovar male into the UNESCO camp with the unlikely name of "SloboJuan Vegavich" -- an unusual name, even for a Yugoslavian.

Drudge rushed to the scene -- still dressed in his sequin teddie -- and interviewed the "Kosovar" man, only to learn that his actual name was Juan Vega and that he had come to Kosovar at the invitation of the Serbian Intelligence Ministry, operating from a storefront in Mexico City. Mr. Vega told Drudge that the deal had been cooked up between Slobodan Milosevic, President Ernesto Zedillo of Mexico, and Bill Clinton during a three-way held in March. Clinton participated because he felt compassion for Mexicans who are not allowed to cross U.S. borders at will and take jobs "no white man" would do.

The scheme, according to Drudge, is this:

• Unemployed Mexican citizens, their girlfriends and children are taken by jitney to Mexico City Airport and then flown non-stop to Kosovo, Yugoslavia.
• During the 15 hour flight they are given rudimentary lessons in Serbo-Croatian; phrases like "they murdered my sisters" or "they got my entire family" are taught them by rote.
• At Kosovo airport, they are re-dressed in ugly US tee shirts that say things like "Surf's Up" or "I spent a day at the Plaza".
• Then all their identification is taken and disposed of to make them appear "more realistico" to UN and NATO border guards.
• They are also given prayer beads, a lilliput copy of the Koran (used) and some Nike sports shoes.
• Finally, they are sprayed with a mixture of mud, blood from chickens, and soot.
• Once they are "approved" by Serbian soldiers, they board busses headed for the Albanian or Macedonian border. En route, each Mexican memorizes his "Kosovar Name."

Drudge also claims that the deal was made to provide more gardeners and house boys to U.S. Democratic couples who need servants to help raise their children and care for their homes while they work in order to have two, rather than one, Range Rover or Mercedes Benz. Mexican President Zedillo says, "Hey, we don't know what to to with them! Slobodan receives a 10% 'royalty' from all welfare checks issued to the 'Mex-O-Var' families for five years in order to rebuild Serbia -- and no one is the wiser!"

"Everyone is happy!" said SloboJuan as he trudged through the spring mud of his refugee camp and awaited his flight to America.