by Mac MacArthur

Tuesday, June 15th, 1999 -- WASHINGTON (ANS) -- I'll get to Ken Starr in a moment.

But first, if you still question whether a handful of men control our television and radio airwaves, you must be very busy planting your compassionate (but conservative) Republican Victory Garden or scalping tickets to the Bush v. Bush debates which will feature George Dumb-bell-yoo arguing with himself on C-SPAN and moderated by a three-judge panel made up of journalism's most insightful intellects: Rupert Murdoch's twin terrors of idiocy, Tony Snow and Matt Drudge, along with Bill Gates' one-babe answer to women's professional mind wrestling, Laura Ingraham.

Eighteen months before the election, the networks and their cable spawn have written off Al Gore as a serious challenger to George W. Bush, a.k.a. "The Second Coming," and don't even mention Bill Bradley, probably the least dishonest politician of them all!

"Why have a Democrat debate George at all," asked John McLaughlin, another whore for Jack Welsh's General Electric. "Any Democrat on the podium would be like an instant replay of Ross Perot!"

The cogs of Neofacist-minded America are spinning at ten thousand RPM, attempting to shovel the BushBaby into the "stained but still appealing" White House as soon as the Clintons depart in January 2000. George Dumb-bell-yoo, the great White Anglo-Saxon "too stupid to get in our way" hope of the GOP, has just too good a "package" to be left wallowing in the usual pool of presidential uncertainly.

Somewhere is this hysterical hedgerow of lunacy is a thorn named Hillary Rodham Clinton -- who irks the heck out of GOP strategists who consider the war in Kosovo only the first step toward a rebirth of American colonialism which will make Queen Isabella look like Tugboat Annie.

On center stage this weekend was the wimpiest of all Bush operatives, Kenneth Starr, who made it a point to appear on national television just to let us know that he has decided to play a pivotal role in destroying Hillary Clinton.

In fact, Hillary scares the bejeezus out of GOP strategists. They realize she will make her New York senate race a national bellwether of haves-against-have-nots reality, with Hillary cast as Jeanne D'Arc and Rudy Giuliani typecast as Benito Mussolini.

But in Republican circles, "This cannot be allowed to happen."

So we guess that the executive board of the Federalist Society got together and begged Dick Scaife to call Ken Starr and have him stick it to Mrs. Clinton with everything he's got. The quid pro quo? A "possible" seat on the United States Supreme Court. Starr, although sitting nude and rocking in the attic of his house for weeks on end these days, was sufficiently aroused to re-emerge as an affable Dr. Evil and make an appointment with surly super-oaf Brit Hume to display his latest arsenal of ACBMs (Anti-Clinton Bombastic Missives) for the world to see.

He told a giggling-with-glee Tony Snow that his "investigation" of the President and First Lady was not politically motivated. Well, of course it wasn't. Who would ever accuse Starr of that? It was motivated by money -- and a lust for power. Clearly the political consequences were a mere by-product.

Ken Starr as Mister Rogers:"Can you say 'persecute?' Sure you can..."

After clearing the air on that issue, Starr proceed to announce that he "may" release a critical report on the first lady's behavior in the Whitewater affair that "could," coincidentally, arrive by Mercedes-Benz hearse at the Capitol Steps just as her campaign for the U.S. Senate seat in New York being vacated by Pat Moynihan reaches its zenith.

Starr, with his index finger on his left nostril, told the sycophant duo of Hume and Snow, "I certainly don't think so," when asked if he politicized the lynching of Bill Clinton in cahoots with admitted adulterer Henry Hyde last year.

"I know what we have done is to proceed to gather facts, to assess facts, to come to judgments and then ... to present our case in court.'' Starr said that whatever success his office has had resulted from carefully weighing which indictments to seek.

In other words, he and his "staff" -- the ones suicidal enough to still be there -- decided which trumped-up charges they would attempt to levitate into "criminal actions" - at a time when they would create the greatest humiliation for the Clintons.

Starr, who everyone thinks is "winding down" his investigation of the failed Whitewater real estate venture, "was leaning toward issuing a report that would discuss the Clintons' behavior in some detail,'' according to sources close to Newt Gingrich and Haley Barbour's fishing cabin in the Ozarks.

"Leaning?" Well, if you call doing a semi-clad Amazonian narcotic-induced voodoo dance "leaning," that I might be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt -- for the sake of argument.

Although The New York Times said Starr had decided not to seek criminal indictments of the president or Mrs. Clinton (gee, what a surprise!), it was clear Sunday that he had instead decided to go the tried-and-true route of character assassination once again, using facts that could not be proved in a court of law -- or anywhere else for that matter.

One has to wonder whether Starr is now a double-agent, seeking to destroy the Republican Party rather than reward it by actually believing he has a chance to restore his credibility and might actually have a shot at the Supreme Court.

Of the trolls who remain with Starr in his luxury offices near the Capitol, only a few were ready to self-immolate over the planned Hillary scandals soon to be regurgitated by "the Ken-Man" himself.

Many in his den argued vociferously that if Starr didn't have enough to indict her, he should let well enough alone.

"The question as it has been framed in the debate has been whether you put up or shut up,'' one adviser told the Times. ''If you can't indict her, shouldn't you just shut up?''

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But, Starr -- always eager to bear the full weight of his "constitutional and ethical responsibility" on those sloping waxlike shoulders of his -- would not acquiesce. In fact, he spent the better part of one week last month planning the arrangement of the counsel tables and seating charts in the House Judiciary Committee hearing room for the next installment of "The House Manglers Show" to guarantee cameras would be aimed at his "better side."

Starr's henchman have claimed that the report would "recite events without any stated judgments" But Starr, just as he did at the Clinton Impeachment hearings, can be counted on to raise his favorite brand of "unanswered questions" about Mrs. Clinton's behavior in some Arkansas land transactions and her testimony under oath about her actions as a lawyer in those deals.

In short, Starr will use McCarthyite tactics to damage the First Lady by saying things like: "It was reported to us, by sources close to Arkansas, that Hillary Clinton once purchased a bong in a local Little Rock head shop which she secreted under her extremely expensive chinchilla ski jacket (which she could not afford) and proceeded to meet with Vince Foster in a trailer owned by Paula Jones."

Ken! Do you remember what happened to you last time? You refused to indict the President on any substantial matter, and then delivered a barge full of documents about how Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton tried to hide their trysts so as not to hurt their families!

Ken, the Senate acquitted Bill Clinton. They said to you and your House abettors that your entire story was a trumped-up pile of prevarication, innuendo and hateful exaggeration. Now, sadly, you have to travel to the local K-Mart with a gang of United States Marshals simply to preserve your own pitiful little life. Isn't it enough that you destroyed one family -- the Clintons?

Isn't it time you stopped, Mr. Starr? If nothing else, you might still be able to float around the cable channels as a talking head. Why not? That's what Judge Bork is doing now! He doesn't seem to think it's all that bad, does he?