by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Thursday, June 17, 1999 --- New York (APJP) -- The Doc is perpetually cruising the newspapers for the hottest, freshest and most hypocritical political news that's fit to dis.

Well, it's been one of those news cycles!

You may have heard that saying "all good things come in threes." The Doc is certain that that "old saw" should be expanded to include just plain dumb political behavior.

Here are three stories that bolster The Doc's position!

DATELINE: Lynchbrug, Virginia -- Falwell proclaims women with guitars a menace!

Oh, no! He's at it again! Televangelist Jerry Falwell -- who recently gave the thumbs-up to Drudge-Report-like rumors published in his National Liberty Journal that beloved children's TV character Tinky-Winky of Teletubbies fame is a stealth recruiter for the (gasp!) homosexual lifestyle (that purse! that triangle!)-- has declared Lilith Fair a bad, bad thang!

For those of you not enamored of Sheryl Crow or Sarah McLachlan, Lilith Fair was last year's top-grossing pop concert tour, featuring prominent woman rock musicians and an emphasis on issues of importance to women. This year's Lilith Fair is scheduled to hit over 40 cities.

"Parents... may not wish their children to participate in a music festival that celebrates a pagan figure," according to an "information tool" published in the latest edition of Falwell's NLJ. "Many young people no doubt attend the Lilith Fair concerts not knowing the demonic legend of the mystical woman whose name the series manifests."

Lilith is, of course, a character from the now-defunct TV series Cheers.

We can't wait to hear what Falwell has to say about Kelsey Grammer, Woody Harrelson and Kirstie Alley in forthcoming editions of NLJ.

DATELINE: Fort Lee, New Jersey -- Chris Matthews rewarded -- for sloppy journalism!

Variety reports that Chris Matthews, anchor of CNBC's Hardball, is close to signing a new long-term contract that would raise his annual pay to the seven figures -- and may see his talk show moved to MSNBC.

Recently, Matthews hosted serial liar Kathleen Willey on Hardball and was able to turn a refusal by Willey to answer a question about the identity of a "jogger" she claims threatened her into a full-blown report that the man was on Cody Shearer, a Democrat activist.

Some days later, Hugh Buchanan, brother of reactionary presidential candidate Pat Buchanan, threatened guests of Shearer with a gun at Shearer's home.

Worst of all, it turns out that Shearer was in California when the alleged jogging incident took place -- and that Matthews had not even attempted to ask Shearer about the allegations prior to airtime!

Hardball, one of the highest-rated programs on CNBC, is an unpaid-for political advocacy program pitching hard-right positions, incomplete information, garden-variety propoganda and complete lies along the line of the Cody Shearer innuendo -- in the thin guise of a "talk show."

The Doc can only assume that Jack Welch and Bill Gates are so pleased with the headlines that the Shearer incident generated that they had to reward the loudmouthed, mean-spirited Matthews.

DATELINE: Washington, D.C. -- Speaking of doin' a bad, bad thang -- Inhofe's aides caught with their Internet pants down!

While hard-right Senator James Inhofe (R- OK) spent most of his time in public ranting about President Clinton's recess appointment of gay philanthropist Jim Hormel as ambassador to Luxembourg for the last week and a half, he had to take a few minutes to privately reprimand and sanction some of his own staffers.

Inhofe's public blustering about Clinton's "abusive" decision to appoint Hormel, whom Inhofe claimed was "promoting the gay lifestyle," looks even more like the fag-bashing that it clearly is when you realize that The Great Napper himself, Ronald Reagan, made 239 recess appointments when he wasn't sleeping, and George Bush Sr. made a total of 78. So far, Clinton has made 57.

But I digress.

It turns out that three of Inhofe's staffers are up to their necks in the ol' brown sauce for downloading pornography from the Internet onto their office computers -- and were caught only after the download crashed up the Senator's computer system!

Inhofe, a champion of family values a la the extreme right (for example, decrying Hormel's lifestyle while working to deprive kids of school lunches and food stamps), achnowledged through a spokesman that "certain inappropriate material was discovered [that] resulted in immediate and appropriate disciplinary actions being taken against those involved."

But an article in Roll Call points out that Then-Sergeant-at-Arms Greg Casey notified the Senate's members and staffers last year that "accessing pornographic or obscene materials on the Internet is also a violation of the SAA's sexual harassment policy" and could result in a lawsuit.

Well, let The Doc be the first to say that if that's the case, it's time to audit ALL of Congress to see who uploaded and downloaded to most notorious example of Net porn in history -- The Starr Referral Report -- and let the litigation begin!

'Nuff said!