by David J. Gonzo

Family Values Films Presents A Kirk Fordice ProductionStarring Dan Quayle

Wednesday, June 23, 1999 --- New York (APJP) -- Talk about timing.

This writer was planning on doing a hard-hitting piece on family values spelling genius Dan Quayle, a pathetic ex-politician who actually believes that he might have a shot at the GOP presidential nomination next year.

Quayle has been making the rounds of both Sunday and weekday news-talk shows. He has spent most of his air time lately whining about the ascendancy of George W. Bush Jr. to the exalted title of Chosen One -- and ended up looking and sounding like the poster boy for sour grapes. He has been fighting Steve Forbes and Gary "Antichrist" Bauer for the support of the Republicans' cultural conservative wing, pushing a platform almost identical to that of Forbes and Bauer. Forbes has been cleaning his clock. There's still that "potatoe" thing.

The Quayle campaign is in enough turmoil already -- about the last thing they needed was a brouha, ha surrounding one Kirk Fordice.

Fordice, the Governor of Mississippi, was acting as national co-chairman for Mr. Familey Vallues' campaign. He's also been in the center of a scandal involving a messy divorce and another woman -- a story that has garnered attention among political junkies and consternation from Quayle's critics (when they weren't laughing out loud at the delicious irony of it all).

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Two weeks ago, the Quayle campaign deep-sixed plans for a Mississippi fundraiser with Fordice after the gub'nuh announced that he wanted a divorce.

Yesterday, Fordice announced he was resigning from the Quayle campaign. The Quayle campaign had no comment -- but Fordice was forced to dodge a barrage of questions concerning his personal life at a news conference yesterday, including a few on whether his affair with Ann Creson, whom he now plans to marry, might be at odds with the family values campaigns that got Fordice elected twice in 1991 and 1995 -- and seems to be the only theme of the Quayle campaign.

Check out this quote from Fordice: "You say somehow I've betrayed the idea of family values? To me the idea of family values has to do with a father and a home with a mother and father and children and nurturing."

Oh -- we see! If for ANY reason a family has a single parent, then that family does not have "values." And that small matter of a mistress? Not a problem! Just make sure she's out of the house and Mommy's at home!

There you have it -- Fordice family values.

And as for Quayle and his campaign team -- it's obvious that they took an "eyz wied shutt" attitude towards Kirk Fordice's baggage, probably assuming that the situation would blow over. But the campaign is saddled with a history critical comments from both Quayle and Fordice concerning President Clinton's private conduct in the wake of the Lewinsky flap, and the double standard of attacking Clinton while sweeping Fordice's dirt under the rug.

Fordice's resignation represents "to littele, to laite" damage control from the Quayle campaign -- and pegs Quayle, who allowed Fordice to hold a key position in his campaign amidst serious questions about his family life, as a hypocrite.

And worst of all, it makes poor Dan look even dumber that the public already thinks he is.

[Tony] Snow's column in last Saturday's Democrat-Gazette underlined it for them: 'Whereas [President] Clinton entered politics in part to escape being white trash, Gore and Bush entered more in the spirit of carrying on the family business.'

Some readers may find the phrase 'white trash' offensive. To me, it's is the rough equivalent of observing that Clarence Thomas went to law school to escape being a field nigger. That is to say, it's a coarse, stupid insult which tells me all I need to know about the person using it.

Poor thing, you know it just galls him being outwitted over and over by an Arkansas bumpkin.