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by Mac MacArthur

Thursday, July 15, 1999 -- WASHINGTON -- NEW YORK -  The following "Family Rat Council" press release is modeled on an actual slice of propaganda we received yesterday.

Just for laughs, I'd thought I'd rewrite this press release and throw in some truth and facts that Ms. Kristin Hansen, the Family Research Council's minister of propaganda, overlooked.

Enjoy!

AIR FORCE TELLS MORON TO WORK WITH FEMALE AIR FORCE OFFICERS OR HIT THE ROAD!

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a time when some people in the nation have nothing  better to do but sneak up on their neighbors to make certain they are not performing any legally banned sexual acts, Gary Bauer and his pals at the Family "Detergent" Council are claiming that some lunatic named Lt. Ryan Berry is being "punished" by the United States Air Force for "fidelity" to his wife!

Ha, ha, ha!  I tell you, the wackos have really come out from behind the woodwork this month.

But even more hilarious is the fact that the Family Research Council actually employs some goofball named Lt. Col. Robert Maginnis whose position at FRC -- get this -- is Senior Director of National Security and Foreign Affairs (SDNSFA).

SDNSFA Maginnis was evidently sitting on the toilet at FRC headquarters-- in full dress uniform, we are sure -- muttering to "hisself" like a character out of Doctor Strangelove about the tragedy of Lt. Berry when he was overheard by Kristin Hansen, who had no doubt crawled into the men's room at FRC HQ to make certain "nothin' queer" was going on.

Maginnis -- who must certainly drink a lot of his namesake stout -- was moaning to himself, "It's in the best interest of the Pentagon to get rid of these bull-dyke feminazis!  Look what they've done to poor Lt. Berry!  The horror!  The horror!"

Mother Kristin got off her knees and then got the bright idea of attacking the Pentagon for "forcing" poor Ryan to actually work, side by side, arm to arm, with -- a woman!

My God!  What has this nation come to?

In her "Press Release" Kristin thought is was important to tell us that Lt. Berry was a graduate of West Point but now works as a button man in a missile silo -- which means he sits around all day playing solitaire waiting for Ronald Reagan to regain consciousness and attack the "Soviet Union."

To make a short story longer, our friend Lt. Berry -- who must be a real piece of work at home -- put in a request to kick his fellow woman officer our of his bunker because he didn't want "to be locked up with her for 24 hours in a small underground chamber."

This had me laughing even harder!  I can only assume Berry has a roaring libido -- or at least thinks unclean thoughts a la Jimmy Carter.  The basis of his claim, of course, goes to "moral grounds."

Berry is married (God help his wife) and thinks that spending time alone with a woman -- not his spouse -- is sinful.

According to Berry -- because he's such a pussy -- he won't be promoted in August, which means his career (and perhaps his obviously pathetic and meaningless life) will end in 2002.

Okay.  Let's put this in perspective.  Here's a guy who chose to go to West Point to be trained as a paid killer for his country.  He's now sitting in a rat hole under some desert in the Southwest ready to turn a key, push a button and kill as many as 10 million Russians or Chinese without blinking an eye.

And he claims that working with a WOMAN is immoral!

Lawdy, lawdy.

The FRC claims that Berry has deeply held Christian views that "protect" his marriage, and that doing a 24-hour stint in a nuclear blast capsule somehow threatens his marriage.

I want to know just what he is seeking "protection" from?  Does Berry think his female companion will rape him during their long hours in the box?  Or, to be fair, maybe his wife is as insane as he and will perform a "Lorena Bobbitt" on his "ballistic moisture missile" if she finds out!

Something is rotten in Crystal City.

Berry actually got a waiver once that guarded him against "mixed-sex" assignments. Maybe he thought that meant "mixed-sexual" assignations. But, alas, his waiver was revoked because some thinking General said to himself, "Hey!  Who's this fruitcake Berry?  Tell him to shape up or he'll be patrolling the perimeter for the next 20 years!"

Mother Superior Kristin claims that Berry lost his waiver to "appease others with different agendas and an anti-religious bias."

Yeah, sure.  It's more like a move to "appease" others who actually have minds, I think.

What the heck does religion have to do with it?  Any religion that says men cannot serve alongside women deserves no respect from any American -- especially in light of what women did for this country during WW II and every war since, side by side with men.  Who is this nut case Berry to hide behind religion -- simply because he may have some severe psychosexual problems that manifest themselves in forcing him to speak in tongues while holding a fistful of snakes at church?

Lt. Berry claims that his launch control center is 80 feet below ground and sealed with a bank vault blast door.  The capsule has only one toilet concealed by a curtain.  There is only one bed.  What?  I thought these guys were supposed to be up during their shifts guarding our freedom!

Sounds like a hospital, doesn't it.  Perhaps Berry should consider his companion a nurse.

Of course, the true goal of this laughable press release -- as always  -- is that the FRC uses it to attack Bill Clinton, in this case his so-called "push to feminize the military."

You've just got to laugh out loud!  With Berry there I think we've gone a long way toward that goal -- without even bringing women into the picture.

The FRC claims that putting "young (nubile and studly) members of both sexes in close proximity for extended periods of time is "setting them up for sexual misconduct."  We assume that the women of West Point -- whom Berry must have abused every chance he got -- are all just waiting to seduce the likes of Berry.

To stretch this orthodontic rubber band of an "issue" even further, the FRC claims that "Adultery is a crime in the military" and the Berry affair makes the government "complicit in that crime" if Berry decides to throw caution to the wind and nail his female colleague right there on their shared toilet, monkey style.

In case you want to interview Berry, you can call the FRC at (202) 393-2100 --- but, please, try not to laugh.  I did, but couldn't stop laughing.

PS:  A note to Lt. Berry.  Hey, why not ask that they put in bunk beds and a walled-in toilet?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: July 14, 1999
CONTACT: Kristin Hansen, (202) 393-2100
FOR RADIO: Chad Nykamp

AIR FORCE COMPROMISES MOTTO "INTEGRITY FIRST" BY DISCIPLINING OFFICER FOR FIDELITY TO WIFE AND FAITH, SAYS FRC

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- "In a time when the military continues to face scandals such as Tailhook and sexual harassment trials, the actions taken by the Air Force to punish Lt. Ryan Berry for fidelity to his wife and faith are absurd and inexcusable," Lt. Col. Robert Maginnis, Senior Director of National Security and Foreign Affairs for Family Research Council, said Wednesday.  "It is certainly in the best interest of our military to enlist men and women of integrity and honor, and retaining and promoting officers of character should be a Pentagon objective. Unfortunately, the radical feminist views embraced by the modern military have
corrupted common sense."

1st Lt. Ryan Berry, a 1996 West Point graduate who transferred to the Air Force to operate nuclear missiles, morally objects to sharing a two-officer shift with a woman. Berry's religious accommodation request was denied and his refusal to be locked in a small underground chamber for twenty-four hours with a woman who was not his wife earned him a career-killing evaluation report.  Now, he has little chance to be selected for promotion to captain this August, which means his career will end once his five-year payback tour is over in 2002.

"Berry's objection to serve in a capsule with a female officer is a reflection of his deeply held Christian views that protect his marriage.  Initially, Berry had a  waiver from mixed-sex assignments, but his waiver was revoked to appease others with different agendas and an anti-religious bias," said Maginnis.

"Berry's religious objections are understandable. Missile duty lacks privacy.  The Launch Control Center or capsule containing the officers is 80 feet below ground behind a bank vault-like blast door.  The small work area has one bed and a toilet concealed only by a curtain," explained Maginnis.

"The mixed-sex issue has arisen because of the Clinton administration's push to feminize the military.  This ignores the realities of putting young members of both sexes in close proximity for extended periods potentially setting them up for sexual misconduct.  Adultery is a crime in the military and mixing married soldiers in these settings make the government potentially complicit in that crime," said Maginnis.