Republican Mopefuls: Losers on Parade in Cincinnati

Republican Mopefuls: A Cavalcade of Losers in Cincinnati

Goofy Steve Forbes
Tuesday, August 26th 1998: I can' t imagine actually making eye contact with idiot-grinning Steve Forbes. He has that "kinda-crazy" look - you know, the sort of guy New Yorkers edge away from at bus stops. Forbes, along with IQ lightweight Dan Quayle, red & black plaid Lamar Alexander, out-on-bail Newt Gingrich and air-pass Jack Kemp gathered in Ohio last weekend to toss grenades at Bill Clinton and at each other for letting him steal their thunder.

Every one of them a loser. Every one of them blaming someone or something else for what ails them.

Even supersonic longshots like Elizabeth Dole, Dick Armey, and Lord help us, G. Gordon Liddy, look more appealing. At least they haven't come in last recently. Ole Bob Dole looks better all the time.

Regular readers of this column know full well I'm a partisan Democrat, but I like a good race -- an even match. If the best Republicans have to offer were strutting their beefcake in Cincinnati this week, Al Gore can rest easy.

Dan Quayle
I mean Dan Quayle... really? Never mind that he was a four-year-long joke butt. Just look at parts of his speech:

"This crowd out there, they're very good at saying 'this was a mistake, it won't happen again.' That's their favorite line these days," he told the Republican Party meeting. "Whitewater, that was a mistake, it won't ever happen again. Renting out the Lincoln bedroom, oh, that was a mistake, it won't ever happen again. Making phone calls illegally from the White House for donations, oh, that was a mistake, it won't ever happen again. Paula Jones, oh, that was a mistake that won't ever happen again," he said. "Well I'll tell you what -- Bill Clinton, Al Gore -- now that was a mistake and that will never happen again."

Wow! Now that's biting and incisive. Very presidential. Now, that's the kind of man I want leading the free world. A real intellectual, a mentor.

In one fell swoop, this Hoosier indicts and convicts the President for Whitewater, Jones, fundraising, 10-cent phone calls, and overnight "paying" guests. Never mind that poll after poll shows that Americans don't care about all that. Never mind that Bill Clinton enjoys ratings higher than Reagan at this point in his presidency. But what could you expect -- Dan Quayle doesn't pay attention to the research. He's his own man. Jeez.

Even scarier? Quayle got a standing ovation with this teenage rhetoric. Says a lot about who supports Republicans.

And here's Quayle's plan for the future. Increase military spending, and decrease what he calls "environmental extremism." Smart.

But there isn't a chance that Quayle will get the GOP nod -- at least collectively they're not that stupid.

Newt the Impaler
What about Newt? Now here's a guy who's spending his Summer recess trying to repair his national reputation -- damaged beyond hope. Is he a realist? No way. The Speaker, fresh from escaping the last of several coup attempts, tells the audience he wants a new "contract with America" - yet he's failed to meet the terms of the first one. Never mind that no one ever saw such a contract in the first place. Makes no difference to him. He thinks American voters are stupid. They may be, but not that stupid.

Lamar Alexander- father of modern education?
Lamar Alexander told the world, this weekend, that the main reason he lost the GOP nomination was the fact he wore his plaid shirt too often. Now here's a fellow in touch with reality.

His platform seems to be education. he's already been up in New Hampshire laying out his educational reform package. Pithy Alexander sound bites include "Clinton deserves a "D" in education," and "I'd propose a GI Bill for kids" Fact is that most people that even know what the GI Bill was, are nearly dead. Alexander is on to some heavier strokes in his call for voluntary school prayer, saying "religion is the chief transmitter of American values."

"Let teachers teach," "back to home schooling," "down with public schools," - all assuredly luring to voters. Right.

Alexander lost for good reason last time out. He'll lose again this time. He's boring and out of touch. A man that proposes everything that's already been proposed and rejected is not a winner.

Smilin' Jack
Jack Kemp. Now I have to admit I like him personally. He's full of energy. He's everywhere. I spent an hour talking with him in the Continental Airlines first-class lounge at Newark one afternoon. They call it the "Presidents Club" so I guess that's why Jack hangs out there. But the sorry story for Kemp is that he ran with Dole. Like Quayle, Kemp is perceived as a loser's-loser. Too bad. Because Kemp is one of the few Republicans who has heart. He's also a closet liberal. A veritable bleeding heart who won't play well at the GOP 2000 convention where they'll be eating heart rather than feeding it.

Dick Armey? Well, he had a chance. He could have led the charge to unseat Newt Gingrich and won the hearts and minds of a lot of thinking Republicans. But he blew it and is relegated to the back benches for life. Enough said here.

Liddy Dole, a long time ago...but still a fox

Elizabeth Dole? I guess you could say she was a loser's schmoozer. But she has style, and if the GOP admits they can't beat Gore then they might put her up as a sacrificial babe, garnering kudos from wild-eyed femininists stupid enough to support her despite the fact that she stands against most everything they stand for.

Fred Thompson
Now we're left with Fred Thompson. Okay.

But Thompson is losing control of his hearings on campaign finance. He and Dan Burton are making mistakes that they cannot recover from. As they strain to expose Democrat scandals they come closer and closer to the bitter precipice of exposing themselves and corporate America to voter wrath. Next month Thompson will begin to ever-so-cautiously peer at American corporate pay-offs to politicians. He won't be able to hold the lid down on this one. Why? Because the media will attempt and probably succeed at blowing the cover of mega-lobbyists who pave Pennsylvania Avenue with thousand-dollar bills from the White House to Capitol Hill. It will come out, that if there's any real villain in campaign finance, it's Americans themselves. Thompson may get some credit from the "People" but he'll pay the price as he loses support from the very businesses who financed his entry into politics in the first place. These are the opinion leaders. They will crucify him.

The nominee!
No one left? Well how about G. Gordon Liddy? After all, he's a poster boy for far-right and far out politics. He's a perfect match for mainstream GOP thinking. He's articulate, a loving father, wealthy, and doesn't mind ignoring the Constitution to "get things done."

He's my choice.

And, in the end, that's all that counts.

Isn't it?