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by Tom Carlson

Tuesday, Sept. 21, 1999--NEW YORK--Now that George W. Bush has fingered the problem that caused church shootings, school shootings, brokerage shootings and all the other killings instigated by gun-crazed paranoids, gun-crazed high-schoolers and gun-crazed day traders as a "wave of evil," there is one obvious step that should be taken:

Congress must pass a law against Waves of Evil.

You can safely assume that few of any political persuasion (NRA executives and most of its members being the obvious exceptions) would rave against the Wave of Evil.

And how delightfully ironic that WOE is the acronym: surely it is only a matter of time before our country's friends and enemies begin the taunting with "WOE is US".  Will the British tabloids be first, or will it be one of our very own fine news publications, such as the National Enquirer or the Star?  Perhaps even Russia's intelligence infrastructure will get into the act with its own brand of disinformation of the type recently disclosed by a defected agent with writer's cramp and a hefty advance

…or was it a hefty cramp and a writer's advance?

There is dismay in certain political circles that the lessons taught by master dirty trickster Lee Atwater have been too well learned by too many. That, however, is the chance taken when a Pandora's box of dirty tricks is loosed upon a naive world where too many Wavers of Evil are willing to rise to the challenge.

Therefore, WOEBYBY (Waves of Evil, Good Bye) legislation must get top priority from Congress, taking precedence over Social Security, Medicare, the Patient's Bill of Rights, hitting on cute staffers, and even raising campaign funds for the next election.  No doubt many of our elected representatives in Congress will find themselves in dudgeon over this suggestion, but evil times call for drastic measures.

We will propose that they go even further: a four day week--or even, God forbid, a five day week--might be necessary for our legislators to get the necessary laws enacted.

Meanwhile, a nation holds its breath wondering when and where crazies with guns will strike next--including the House of Representatives, which itself was a victim in the 1950s.  It's entirely possible that at the NRA's next Board of Directors meeting, their Sergeant-at-Arms, Pat Down, will be feeling more than a tad apprehensive.

Some may wonder, of course, who George W. ("W"ave of Evil?) Bush will finger next, but his intentions should be obvious.

He is, after all, running for President!