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First Lamar...now Dan!  Hey, Pat BuKKKanan--we're
saving a plum spot for you, because you
ain't gonna get the Reform Nominaton! Quit!

by Mac MacArthur

Sept. 27, 1999, 2:10 PM EST--NEW YORK (APJ)--In a stunning (snicker) announcement, Dan "Potaytoe Hed" Quayle, political loser of the decade, told the American people today that his campaign was in "a unique position" because the polls show he is running second to George Bush!

All I can say is "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Dan!"  Every poll we've seen shows him running behind everyone except Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes!!!!

Quayle claimed that he could not run because he would have no time for "reflection on what he had just achieved."

"Reality set in, thus I was facing a campaign where the frontrunner would have up to $100 million to spend... making my task virtually impossible.... There's a time to stay and a time to fold."

That's right, Dan--and that time was 1992!

The "Boye Wundur" of the Bush Administration announced that he will "drop out" of the Republican race for President--only because he now realizes he was a deluded moron.  Ironically, the "Quitter" announced his pathetic leave-taking today in--of all places--Phoenix, where he again failed to rise from the ashes.

"Failure is not fatal, success is not final, it is courage that counts."

Now is that line self-serving or what?

Quayle concluded his announcement by trying to pitch his latest book--although the first two only sold three copies.

The departure of Quayle leaves only 6 Neo-Nazis and 2 regular-Joe GOP candidates insulting each other and entertaining us.

Quayle copped out after "consulting" with his pathological liar wife, Marilyn, and his failed campaign manager Kyle McSharrow--who Quayle jokingly calls his "Brane Trusst!"

"I think the reality just hit home that this wasn't to be,'' said former Sen. Dan Coats, a fellow Indiana Republican and 'special-class-colleague' Quayle supporter. "Even if he won in New Hampshire, where do you go from there?'' whimpered Coats. "You don't have the funds ... and you're up against a candidate who can outspend you 100-to-1 if he wants to.''

Of course, in Quayle's case, that ratio would be at least a million to one.

Hilariously, Quayle decided to leave with his tail between his incompetent legs because next week he would have had to file his quarterly FEC report--a dovcument which would most likely show that he's spent more than he's raised since he was born!

But that isn't hard, considering Quayle's last fundraiser netted $5.67--even with an appearance from the grave by Lawrence Welk.

At his zenith, Quayle had sewn up about 6% of the vote in national surveys that can be trusted.  He was beaten by such luminaries as Gary "Satan on Earth" Bauer, "Bat" Pukeanan, and Elizabeth "ADM" Dole.  The only candidate Quayle almost beat was sell-out Alan Keyes.

If there is such a thing as a tenth tier candidate, Quayle was it.

It is rumored that Quayle, who doesn't even have a job, will take a few months off and check into a sanatorium for ex-Vice Presidents, other deluded politicians, and their bitchy wives--along with spouse Marilyn "The Snake" Quayle.

The nation waits for Buchanan, Bauer, Dole and George DumbBellYou Bush to come to their senses as well, transfer their people and money to John McCain, and join Dan and Marilyn at "Happy Acres."