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Paula Jones Terrorized or Terrier?
Paula Jones
Tuesday, October 14th 1997: Can you imagine having the chutzpah to ring up the United States Attorney hoping for help to "stop the terror" for GOP pin-up fraud Paula Jones? Well that's what happened this week according to Cindy Hays, the "Director" of the "Paula Jones Legal Fund." Here's how it might have gone:
Ms. Hays: "Hello. Yes, this is Cindy Hays, I'm the Director of the Paula Jones Legal Defense Fund."
US Attorney: (Stifling laughter) "What?...I mean, well, ...how can I help you?"
Ms. Hays: "Well, we're being terrorized by "Watergate style" break-ins of our computers and offices."
US Attorney: (Stifling laugher) [Aside: "Psst, hey Fred, you wont believe this - pick up the phone] - "Uh, can you explain in more detail Ms. Hays?"
Ms. Hays: "Well, you better do something. Our telephones have been re-routed and disrupted by a sophisticated hacker"
US Attorney: "Hacker? I thought hackers fool with computers not telephones, have you checked with the phone company, maybe there's a problem there?"
Ms. Hays: "Look buster, you know damn well this is Clinton's people, probably the CIA or the plumbers - you better do your duty, we're taxpayers you know! I can hear you giggling -- don't think I can't."
US Attorney: (Stifling a guffaw) "That isn't true Ms. Hays. We're here to help. Do you have any evidence?"
Ms. Hays: "You bet I do. I have a tape which I'm sending to the FBI. Someone keeps calling me and playing Frere Jacques - there, there it is can you hear it? - Dor me vous, dor me vous, semalematina, semalematina... .
US Attorney: "Uh, can you hang on a moment? (rolling on the floor, hysterical) Okay, I'm back, well, what I suggest is that you call the FBI and file a complaint with the courts.
Ms. Hays: "You're darn right I will, but what are you gonna do about it? I want you to charge Harold Ickes with this crime. He must be the one."
US Attorney: "Well, Ms. Hays, I can't charge anyone without evidence and a report from the FBI. So I suggest you call. The number is ...."
Ms. Hays: "So you think this is a joke! "(she slams down the phone.)
Well, sans the humor, that's exactly what Hays did. She actually filed documents with Judge Susan Webber Wright who is presiding over the Jones v. Clinton sexual-misconduct case. Who Ms. Hays is, and just who is behind the Jones legal Defense Fund remains a comical farce - mostly because no one's interested.
Oh my.
Clinton lawyer Bob Bennett
In another bizarre development, Bob Bennett, the presidential mouthpiece announced in no uncertain terms that the statements made by Paula Jones relative to "distinguishing marks" on the presidential jewels were obvious lies.
"This was just an effort to humiliate and embarrass the president, and at the appropriate time we will show that it is absolutely baseless and without merit," Bennett said.
Jones claims that President Clinton exposed himself to her in a Little Rock hotel room six years ago and Bennett referred to an affidavit in which she recalls "distinguishing characteristics" she saw on Clinton during the alleged incident.
Susan Carpenter "McVillain"
Jones' aged spokesbimbo, Susan Carpenter McMillan, asked, "How in the world would Mr. Bennett know"
Well, the reason he knows is because the president underwent a day-long physical examination last week and his urologist so reported.
Bennett told reporters, "The president was thoroughly examined. Had the press asked Dr. O'Connell at the press conference, he would've said the president does not have any unique characteristics in any manner, shape or form ... This is just an effort on their part to embarrass and humiliate the president. It's making our country the laughingstock of the world. It's time to end it."
The Jones defense team, largely made up of conservative christian lawyers who've made a career out of bashing homosexuals and banning abortion, are already back-peddling on the Jones allegation. Attorney T. Wesley Holmes, no relation to John, and one of Jones' latest lawyers, said "I wouldn't characterize that (her statement) as a cornerstone of our case at all."
I'll bet.
The case is due for trial on May 28th 1998, but sworn testimony began yesterday as Jones and her mother attended depositions in Little Rock. Jones herself won't be deposed until next month, but lawyers began grilling her mother and her sister, Charlotte Brown, who has accused Jones of extorting Bill Clinton.
Brown claimed as early as 1994, "I was visiting with her over at my mother's and she told me that 'Whichever way it went, it smelt money.' That was her own words."
Jones' attorneys are busy interviewing every woman on earth who claims to have been propositioned by the president, and Jones' own sexual past will be delved into, not by the president's legal team, but by attorney's representing Officer Danny Ferguson, an Arkansas police bodyguard who Jones has implicated in the alleged occurrence at the Excelsior Hotel in Little Rock. The president's legal team had to abandon exploration of Jones past because of pressure from women's groups.
Susan Carpenter McMillan, a pretend Los Angeles public-relations woman who acts as Jones' spokeswoman, accused Ferguson's lawyers of doing the president's dirty work.
"It disgusts me, and Mr. Clinton's lawyers are letting it happen. These are the same tired old tactics that have been used against rape victims and molested children," she said.
Of course, Carpenter-McMillan has become the laughing stock of the media herself with radio personality Don Imus calling her an obvious relation of Tammy Faye Baker - a direct reference to the five pounds of makeup Carpenter McMillan seems to wear at all times.
Coming next week, JonesBuddies Pamela Blackard and Debra Ballentine, both pals of Jones at the time of the "incident," will give their depositions.
The president's legal team makes no bones about it -- they're out to prove that Jones is a money grubbing liar. Jones, on the other hand thinks she can prove the president is a chronic adulterer.
Paula Jones - Send me money, give me money
The Jones "Legal Fund" has become an issue itself with the president's legal team serving subpoenas on most groups tied to Jones, Carpenter McMillan and the legal fund. Hays, the fund director, will ask Judge Weber to protect donor records from public scrutiny claiming that anyone donating to Jones should fear harassment. She's right, but hopefully Judge Wright will deny her plea and open the records.
No matter what, the donors may be revealed during the trial, as Bob Bennett calls them and proves his theory that Jones is backed by and bankrolled by President Clinton's political enemies.
His task won't be hard. Jones is obviously now controlled by extreme right-wing conservatives who openly attack Clinton and Democrat ideologies. [See: "Paula Jones, Susan Carpenter McMillan, John Whitehead & Donovan Campbell -Abusing Good Sense While Wrapping Themselves in God, " http://www.americanpolitics.com/100297whoddatepaula.html]
"We believe she is being controlled by people who are extreme right-wing political Clinton-haters, and that's relevant to issues of motive and bias," Bennett said.
Bennett also exploring reports that Jones' income tax returns show she is claiming her legal fund as a business. Such a revelation also goes toward motive, but may reveal questionable "business" deductions as well.
Imagine you're a juror at this trial. You've read the reports. You've seen Jones up close and spread out in Penthouse Magazine. You've heard the testimony. You've read these columns.
Who would you believe?
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