The Final Chapter?
...Don't count on it!
Scenes from the script leaked to American Politics Journal
Excerpted and edited by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo
SCENE 12064
The Oval Office. The President [POTUS] is on the speakerphone, with a few senior aides standing in front of his desk, listening intensely.
POTUS: They’re WHAT?
Cut to the front door of the Justice Department. Martian prosecutors in space suits are streaming out of the building, boarding a row of flying saucers. The Attorney General [AG] is on a cell phone, walking briskly toward the entrance.
AG: They’re leaving. Packing up. Getting out of Dodge. The whole damn invasion fleet!
POTUS: Janet, this makes no sense. No sense at all. They’ve been waging war on our planet--our very way of life--for seven years. DOD just told me that their saucer fleet in Little Rock has taken off. And we’re supposed to think they’re just dropping their master plan to take over our planet and going home?
AG: I’m just as baffled as you, Sir. I smell a rat. And there’s something weird about this guy Robert Ray that they claim to have surrendered to. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is about the guy... Hold it... Hold it... Turn on CNN, their Supreme Leader is approaching the microphone!
SCENE 12065
The Martian Supreme Leader, a bespectacled creature wearing an elaborate encounter suit, slowly approaches a podium on the Justice Department front steps. The Leader resembles a cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and Mister Rogers, but with a giant, grotesquely distented brain.
He taps the microphone a couple times and then begins to speak:
LEADER: Ack ack ack ack ack ack defense lawyers attack high-profile prosecutions ack ack ack ack ack constitutional duty ack ack ack ack ACK ack ack ack the people turned against me ack rule of law ack ack intense politicization ack ack unfortunate personalization ack press attacks from Mac MacArthur! Ack ACK ack ack! RENO made me do it! RENO made me do it! Ack ack!
Close-up of Attorney General’s face, talking into cell phone.
Voice of POTUS: Like you had any choice.
AG: Sir, I think I’m gonna hurl...
POTUS: Typical Martian brainwashing tactic, blame everyone but yourself...
The Martian Supreme Leader and his entourage walk down the steps toward the largest saucer, on which can be seen two bumper stickers: "Kiss Me, I’m a Republican" and "Gingrich 2000."
AG: Hold that thought, here comes that Ray guy... He’s going to say something.
As the Washington batallion of the Starr invasion fleet lifts off from in front of the Justice Department, Robert Ray, the human who has been chosen to replace the Martian Supreme Leader, approaches the podium.
RAY: I accept this duty from my Martian handl.... er, the Justice Department with a keen recognition of the weightiness of the matters that have been entrusted to the office by Starr Invasion Command....
Scene 12066
The Martian Supreme Leader is at his flying saucer console, talking into his microphone.
LEADER: ...ack ack ack ack ack ACK ack!
VOICE: You bet your extraterrestrial butt I’m impressed...
Cut to the office of the Mayor of New York. The Mayor is watching Ray on CNN and talking into an alien-looking communicator.
MAYOR:... He looks and sounds like the real Robert Ray!
LEADER: Ack ack ACK ack ack!
MAYOR: Yeah, it IS too bad the real Ray wasn’t "cooperative." Guess he’s "sleeping with the Venusians" now.... Ha, ha, ha...
The Leader and Mayor both laugh, the latter so hard that his toupee falls off.
VOICE OF LEADER: Ack ACK ack ack ack Ray mandroid ack ack more reliable.
MAYOR: You’re right, plus the real Ray may have known a bit too much about how I really handled the Italian "families" back when I was a prosecutor, yaknowudimean? Besides, look at the beauty of the deal--you can claim you retreated to the interplanetary lecture circuit, we can still smear the First Lady, and I can help lay the groundwork for your glorious return!
VOICE OF LEADER: Ack ack ack news cycles ACK!
MAYOR: No, not one of the major press outlets has said word one about Ray’s professional ties to me. But CNN mentioned he was a Democrat up until last year! Looks like you have more than your pundette ‘droids helping you on the news front. Ha, ha, ha...
VOICE OF LEADER: Ha, ha, haha, ha....
Scene 12067
The set of a politically incorrect talk program on late-night TV. The host is interviewing four guests, including a loud, tall, stick-thin blonde conservative "pundette." The topic is obviously heated--the guests are shouting over one another.
HOST: Hold, it, hold it, hold it... [shouting] GET OVER YOURSELVES! [audience applauds] The Martians are leaving as we speak! Brainwashing rays, the destruction of Little Rock, the abduction of people like Susan MacDougal and Julie Steele, even the best public relations professionals--none of it worked! Bill won! They lost! And finally they get the hint: get off our planet!
Audience applauds wildly.
PUNDETTE [as applause dies down]: Now wait a minute--that doesn’t for one minute mean the extraterrestrials were wrong about William Jefferson Clinton!
HOST: Sweet mother of Elvis, there you go again. You know, you just can’t stop bringing up that name, honey! We could be talking about box office receipts for South Park and you’d still find a way to work the President’s name into it! You’re obsessed!
PUNDETTE [getting huffy]: I am not obsessed! The man is guilty of...
ANOTHER GUEST: Guilty of what? Rope-a-doping Newt Gingrich? I say sentence him to four more years!
Audience goes wild with applause, catcalls.
PUNDETTE [agitated]: That’s the problem with you liberals. Blame the messengers like myself and Newt when that--that--that felon...
HOST: You hear that, hon? The way you say "felon," "Guilty?" The way it rolls out of your mouth with such--dare I say it--breathless passion? You’re completely consumed by the Prez! You’re in love with Bill!
Audience whoops it up à la Jerry Springer.
PUNDETTE [turning blue]: I! AM! NOT!
HOST: Now if that isn’t a lovesick pundette in denial...
PUNDETTE [literally turning blue, eyes glowing an eerie red]: I! AM! NOT!! MUST! DESTROY!! BILL!!!!
The pundette rips off her dress to reveal a pair of Martian Laser Cannons in the middle of her chest, which fire a volley toward The Host, who jumps from his chair just as the twin rays disintegrate it. The audience and guests panic and start to flee. The host runs past the producer.
HOST: You mean all this time we’ve been paying a Martian droid? The sponsors are gonna be really pissed! [to the Pundette droid] Honey, my name may be Bill, but...
The pundette cuts Bill off with another close shot from her bosom.
Scene 12068
Somewhere in the American southwest. Desert. Pan to seemingly endless chain link fence and a guard station. A black Lincoln Town Car pulls up; the driver shows credentials to the guard, and an electric gate opens. We see a sign on the gate: "Area 51 / Authorized Personnel Only." The car drives in... as a long strip of road suddenly drops, becoming a ramp leading to a heavily fortified blast door. The door opens, the car drives in, the blast door closes.
Scene 12069
Four men in suits of varying shades of gray are walking down a hall accompanied by a man with long hair wearing a lab coat. All are wearing credentials around their neck.
SCIENTIST:...we managed to recover it from Little Rock. Their assault on the city was not as complete a success or as devastating as their flaks made the public believe. They took some losses--and we took some souvenirs. Our team managed to get this one into working shape.
The scientist takes the credential card hanging from the lanyard around his neck, runs it through a slot at the side of a door, punches in a code, and the door opens, revealing a huge hangar--and a Martian saucer.
SUIT NO. 1 [smiling]: So this is what "Majestic" has been up to for the last year and a half, Dr. Pretorius?
SCIENTIST: Try, the last half century. The original Majestic team recovered the first Martian saucer in ‘47--just before the first "Red Scares." We think they may have tried to "plant the seed" for a takeover using a Joe McCarthy mandriod.
SUIT NO. 2: What’s the status of the craft?
SCIENTIST: You're going to love this news. It’s almost fully operational. We’ve got navigation, propulsion, power, and most of the sensors working--we think weapons systems can be online within a week.
SUIT NO. 3: That’s good. When will we be able to take her up?
SCIENTIST [chuckling]: Now, let's be real--who said anything about taking her up?
SUIT NO. 4 [pulling a manila envelope containing a typed, blue-backed document out of his jacket]: The courts. This is a sealed ruling which only you and we are privy to. We’re now authorized to take the battle to the Martian Supreme Leader himself. Allow me to introduce my colleagues: Mr. "White" from the Maryland Attorney General’s office, Mr. "Black", from the DC Bar Association, Mr. "Green", a specialist in RICO prosecutions. And allow me to introduce myself. I’m Oscar Meak from the Justice Department’s Office of Perjury, Lying and Other Real Crimes and Misdemeanors. Doctor, we’re gonna take a little ride...
To be continued....
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Copyright © 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, American Politics Journal Publications. All rights reserved. ISSN No. 1523-1690