Pat, Al, Bill, Bruce... and Lotto?

Benito Giuliani:
Put Those Lazy Mental Cases, Junkies, Spics and Niggers to Work!

by Mac MacArthur

Thursday, October 27, 1999 -- NEW YORK (APJ) -- In his usual style, Rude-y "Benito" Giuliani lay awake last week trying to cook up yet another scheme to ingratiate himself to already undertaxed New Yorkers -- and one that would placate his ever-more-demanding mentor, Adolf Hitler. He thought and thought as he tossed and turned next to the all-too-voluptuous body of his paramour-cum-whore, Christ E.E.N. Lottagonads. Pushing what was left of his hair back into his nose, he whispered "Shit, I don't know what to do -- what can I do to get in the papers this time?"

From a dark corner of the cheap motel on 10th Avenue where Benito and Christ E.E.N. hid from his wife and the prying eyes of the NY Post -- an apparition appeared in the shape of Martin Bohrmann!

"Rudy! Rudy! Psssssst! Over here, it’s me, Martin. Was ist los?"

"Aw, nothing, Marty -- I just can't thing of another downtrodden group to mess with."

"Rudy, I have just one word for you -- HOMELESS!"

With that, Little Benito jumped out of bed, put on his rumpled 25-year-old dandruff-bedecked Brooks Brothers suit and ran to his driver.

"Bob, Bob -- get me to City Haul -- Pronto!

The drive took only ten minutes at 3:45 AM -- but during that time, Benito had it all figured out. "Yes, the people of the City of New York loved it when I drove the Squeegee Men to LA, they loved forcing the dregs of society to work sweeping up dead rats for their welfare checks. Now -- the piece de resistance -- make those filthy homeless people work for those flea-infested cots we give ‘em in the city-run flophouses!! Ha, ha, haha, haha -- It's brilliant!"

Nola Hampton, a 32-year-old mother of five, was in her shelter-provided cot the next night when Stalagmeister Klink goose-stepped into the dormitory and announced Benito's new plan. She couldn't believe her ears and began weeping. This winter, she would have to being sweeping the streets of Fifth Avenue to "earn" her place in the shelter, and her children were to be sent to foster homes where the average foster parent ran a meat market -- cash for giving the kid a filthy mattress and the chance to "do" Daddy once a week.

Nola wasn't alone in her grief -- more than 5,000 down-on-their-luck families currently occupied the hovels that the Mayor of New York laughingly called "shelters." More like lean-tos, thought Nola.

Giuliani loved his idea, because it was so Satanic. He remembered that Mary, Joseph and the unborn baby Jesus searched through Nazareth to find shelter for Mary to give birth. Some "Liberal commie" gave them that manger, said il Mayor-Duce, "we're not that gullible."

Little Benito was beside himself with glee -- as were the other Republican Mayors of 600 cities in America. "We'll the first and only city to do this, but the rest will follow," screamed Rudy to his maid Beulah, who was crying in the corner of his kitchen. Beulah was not allowed to stay in Gracie Mansion -- and she too had to sleep in a shelter near the Mayor's home. Now what would she do?

Naturally, the liberals in the city came up with their usual wimpy retorts. "This will put hundreds in the streets," sneered Pat Markee, as supposed champion of the homeless. Maira Foscarninis -- executive director of some scam called "The National Center on Homelessness and Poverty" in Washington, DC, "stunned" the press and Mayor Benito saying "The policy 'appears' to be unique and is horribly misguided."

How ‘bout this, Maira: "It's time to torture and burn this little prick Giuliani on a stake in the middle of Central Park!"

City Council Speaker Peter Vallone -- a supposed Democrat with few Democrat ideals -- came up with this "strong statement": "Well, it seems like a throwback to Dickens. We cannot tolerate this morally or legally... but heck, we can't do anything about it either."

Nola hoped that the New York Courts would stop little Benito, but no such luck. They ruled that new State regulations -- perpetrated by GOP Governor "Pattycake" Pataki were "cool" and told homeless advocate lawyers to "take a hike."

Giuliani -- who calls people concerned with this issue "Apostles of Dependency" -- stunned people with IQs over 70 with this statement:

"I think making mental cases, drug addicts, the dumbstruck-poor and their children working for a cot rather than stealing from the taxpayers of New York is the highest form of compassion and love to help people to help themselves."

Giuliani -- like most Neo-Nazis in America -- has perverted Alcoholic Anonymous' "12-Step Program" designed for psychotic, wife-beating bourbon-blooded white men into a policy to control the poor. American's have now lived under this sick 12-Step mentality for nearly two decades. Private clinics for the rich charge $20,000 a week to teach this crap to whiny millionaires -- "You can rely on no one but yourself. Don't help anyone else -- help yourself. Even if you are retarded, sick, or simply unable to cope, that doesn't mean you can't sweep streets or polish sewer grates!"

Giuliani -- who is so deluded he thinks he's going to be a great US Senator -- will be lucky if he serves out his term as Mayor. Already tens of thousands of New Yorkers are organizing a recall petition to remove the little punk from office.

If that doesn't work, we hear talk that more dire steps might be taken, including throwing eggs in his face at all public appearances and tossing Nazi armbands into the crowds of greedy New Yorkers who rally to his side.

Little Benito -- who has a 23-square-foot portrait of Mussolini in his Gracie Mansion bedroom -- on the ceiling, no less -- is proud that he has kicked more than half a million people off welfare in the City. Of course, what he doesn't tell you is that more than 23,000 of them committed suicide as a result and the other 475,000 simply moved to nearby Newark, New Jersey where they live in trash cans, on the docks and in rat-infested refrigerator boxes waiting for what promises to be a harsh winter to kill them off mercifully. Yes, a few were lucky enough to find jobs with take-home pay in excess of $110 a week. And yes, at least 10% of former welfare recipients were simply

sponges and maggots that were fully capable of working and taking care of themselves.

We talked to one welfare-to-work fellow, Rico Shine, whom we found "on the job" cleaning and polishing the brass knobs on doors of pricey-beyond-belief boutiques stretching from East 57th Street to East 81st Street along Madison Avenue. His hands were crippled from arthritis and his age, 77 -- was clearly etched in his wind burned cheeks and yellow-gray hair.

"Yep, I like workin’ here. I clean more than 2,000 knobs a week and I take home $117.00 a week after taxes. For that I get to live in a real apartment in the Bronx that is much bigger than the dumpster I used to live to in. I can eat two apples a day and have cat food for dinner -- at least twice a week. I can afford to see a movie once a month -- and when I walk into Bergdorf Goodman, the sales clerks take notice. If it wasn't for Rudy, I'd still be collecting welfare -- only just a little more than I earn now. Of course I have no health care -- but who cares at my age? I'm just proud to be an American and to contribute to the well-being of the rich. After all, without them, there wouldn't be all these door knobs to clean and spit-shine. Can you imagine -- before I got this city job, ya know, cleaning these antique brass door knobs, ladies whose husbands earned an average of $750 thousand dollars a year had to touch filthy knobs just to get into Donna Karan or Chistian Dior . It was disgusting! Now they can wear white gloves and not a spot will appear on them as they enter of leave the store with that $3,700 pair of shorts! Yep -- I'm playing my part in the new world economy and I'm damn proud of it!"

Little Benito plans to give Rico the "Sucker of the Month" award at the Republican Eagles' winter meeting in Palm Springs next January. Republican Eagles worship Little Benito are made of men and women and megacorporations who contribute an average of $43,000 a year to the Republican National Committee.

"Rico? -- Now there is a guy who's made it, and who stands for what the Mayor wants, people who aren't afraid to do a fair days labor!" -- said ex-Mayoral SpokesBabe -- Christ E.E.N. Lottagonads.

The moral of this story?

Well, there isn't one, is there!

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