Saddam Hussein, Paula Jones, Colin Powell, Jim McDougal:
The President Has a Lot On His Mind
by Mac MacArthur

Wednesday, November 12th, 1997 -- NEW YORK -- President Clinton and "Crown-President" Al Gore were lolling around the Oval Office last night toasting their good fortune at having the chance to launch a real war against Iraq. Clinton, having "one too many," started a joke-fest with Gore, "Hey Al -- did you see the diagrams of Saddam's hideout? The Pentagon says its a double-reinforced concrete bunker, 600 feet underground, bombproof steel doors, 6-feet-thick walls, and guards with machine guns. But, yesterday, an Amway salesman still got through!"

Gore, eager to top the POTUS, chuckled and retorted, "Well that's pretty good, but I understand that all the Iraqi fighter planes have a bumper sticker on the back that says: 'If you can read this, you must be fleeing the country too!' "

Clinton, winking at Hillary, turned to Gore and said with a totally straight face, "Funny Al. But here's something really interesting. The CIA is reporting that Saddam has another triplex underground bunker he uses as a vacation home. It's 30 miles west of Baghdad. Langley says he'd probably be there now, but its one of those time-sharing bunkers -- and its Muammar Khadafi's week to have the place!"

Gore, rolling on the floor, had another brandy, turned to the President and said, " Seriously, Bill, here's an interesting fact Maddy Albright told me about the Middle East you probably don't know. Did you know there are 7500 princes in Saudi Arabia -- but NO frogs? Something to think about."

IRAQ

Seriously, folks: what are we up to in Iraq? If you watched Jim Lehrer's NEWS HOUR last night you might have caught three warmongers, headed by New York Times columnist Tom Friedman, and a lonely guy, one Mr. Peck, once a state department official in Iraq who says we might be overstepping our bounds with this new "Get Saddam" posture. The three warlords on the panel actually made fun of Peck, and I must admit I wondered where he was coming from as well -- but Peck was the only guy who made sense. Peck said Saddam is paranoid that the U.S. is out to get him. He's worried that the UN's inspectors are CIA operatives. Okay, that makes sense.

Peck went on to say that Saddam has every right to believe this inasmuch as the CIA tipped its hand that it was in Iraq when the U.S. was busy defending Iraqi Kurds in the North while ignoring Turkish atrocities against Kurds in Turkey.

Peck got the panel's attention with that one, but made them tongue tied when he said this: "These inspections won't do anything. There's nothing stopping Saddam from mixing a bathtub full of anthrax at his home."

Think about that, General Schwarzkopf and Colin Powell. But here's a tip: if you want Saddam Hussein's card autographed, you'd better do it REAL soon.

COLIN POWELL

Snore. So Colin Powell's finally figured out that Americans lie to pollsters when they say they'd vote for a Black president. Tom Bradley, former Mayor of Los Angeles, found that out when surveys had him winning California statewide races not once but twice in the 80's. Bradley was ahead in the polls for Governor and then Senator. He lost, big time, on both occasions -- a portent of California's penchant for things like Proposition 209, and a message to Powell that nothing has changed. But tell that to Republican-switcher David Gergen who interviewed that husband-wife Thurnstrom team last night.

The couple recently wrote a book taking America off the hook for racism -- a popular trend these days. Gergen was too much, nodding and cooing at the authors who claim that blacks are so much better off today then they were forty years ago. It was sort of a "What do they have to complain about?" fest.

Sure, they may be. But that's like saying to a recent double amputee, "Hey, I know someone who wants to buy your shoes."

Powell said yesterday, "I didn't have the passion for politics and I didn't have the commitment to that kind of life," he added. "I'm still principally a soldier."

And being a soldier, and making some critical mistakes, especially in the Gulf, may have cost him his reputation as the press focused on his dark side as they're apt to do after the "honeymoon."

Nevertheless, Powell is popular enough to change his mind and get into the presidential circus later. But it won't happen.

Powell is enjoying his $2-million-plus annual income and protecting the mental health of his wife and family. He's no fool and no glutton for adoration -- a must to be a successful politician. He's probably not a very good liar either.

DOLE V. QUAYLE?

Are Elizabeth Dole and Dan Quayle heading for a show down at the Iowa Caucus Corral?

Sure looks like, and Liddy is the hands-down winner from any viewpoint. She's smart, she's vicious enough, and she has a better physique than "Indiana's shame" Dan Quayle.

But Dan and Liz are two lightweights when you pit either of them against Al Gore.

Take what they said yesterday as an example. Quayle appeared in Cedar Rapids attacking the President because the "people don't trust him." Hey, Dan: wake up! The people absolutely love him. He's got the highest scores in the polls and anyway, it's GORE you're supposed to be running against.

Remember?

Clinton can't run again, Dan.

It's the law.

Quayle also trotted out Murphy Brown -- again.

"Now, we have on television, a TV sitcom, smoking marijuana," Quayle said. "Look, smoking marijuana is not a laughing matter. The epidemic of drugs is ripping apart American families."

What a totally moronic statement. Anyone following that show knows the producers are treating medical use of marijuana quite seriously -- as a relief from the horrible pain of cancer you idiot!

You know, Quayle is paying someone big bucks to plan his strategy. Whoever it is ought to be sued for fraud.

But Elizabeth Dole doesn't look too smart either. Here she is, a former cabinet secretary, president of the Red Cross -- and what's she up to in Iowa? Get this: she's speaking at a "motivational" seminar run by 4AM cable TV huckster Peter Lowe, a former laptop salesman who runs something called "Success Seminars." Lowe's seminar scams are one step above Ron Popeil's "Pocket Fisherman" -- and here's someone seriously considering leading the free world making a few bucks at the expense of some Iowa hog farmers.

"In seeking to make America better, we have neglected what made her good," Dole said. "We've been embarrassed to talk about the values that make our lives happy and safe and fulfilled."

Whose values are those, Mrs. D? Yours? Ralph Reed's, Pat Robertson's? Your husband's?

Mrs. Dole, who does the best imitation of gay-bashing Anita Bryant would be better off with cornhuskers by strutting her "stuff" and saying, "Look at these gams, look at this flying buttress superstructure -- I'm the real President for the Millennium!" She'd have my vote.

PAULA JONES

Speaking of gay-bashers, the group of lawyers now herding vampiress Paula Jones are up to no good. Jones, who'd probably have trouble reading and understanding a parking ticket, has "instructed" her mouthpieces -- who made their reputations fighting against gay rights in Virginia and Texas -- to add new "allegations" to her legal complaint.

Jones wants to drop defamation claims against the cops so she can hide her past. If the judge permits it, Jones's thigh-spreading history would be off-limits, and her lawyers would pursue a new Jones fantasy that women who "succumbed" to Clinton's sexual advances benefited.

The President's lawyers are fuming, saying such a move by the court would "make it not a trial about Paula Jones and what did or did not occur at the Excelsior Hotel in May 1991 -- but rather a trial about the rumors and gossip concerning the president's alleged contact with other women."

Jones's original filing claimed that Arkansas State Trooper Danny Ferguson damaged her "reputation" by claiming she was eager to become Clinton's mistress. From what we know, that would have only enhanced it. But after Ferguson's lawyer began digging into Jones' reputation, she realized she'd blown it -- no pun intended. You see, her reputation is -- to put it fairly -- in complete contradistinction to, let's say, Mother Theresa.

JAMES MCDOUGAL

While the President is fretting about Saddam, laughing about Quayle and Dole with Gore, and sober on Jones, his old nemesis Jim McDougal is at it again. Now the hired gun for "Malibu Ken" Starr, McDougal -- a dead ringer for 1960's "Mr. Clean" spokes-cartoon --now says that a check found in the back of an abandoned car will bring the White House down.

If you think Hillary's Rose Law Firm billing records were a "mysterious" reappearance, read this.

A 1982 cashier's check payable to Bill Clinton for $27,600 was among thousands of pages of long-missing documents from McDougal's savings and loan discovered last March in a tornado-damaged car abandoned nearly a decade ago near Little Rock. Gee, how convenient. Amazing how checks can last for nearly 20 years in the trunk of a rusted-out jalopy.

Even more staggering is the fact that the check was NOT ENDORSED.

McDougal, now well into believing his own delusions, said "They're going to hang them with the documents that they got," McDougal said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It certainly proves the chief executive perjured himself when he said he never obtained a loan from Madison Guaranty."

But inside sources say the only thing the documents might prove is that McDougal was either working his prison-based printing press after hours, or hid the documents he'd "prepared" 20 years ago as extortion insurance against the President, then the Governor of Arkansas. How McDougal got the papers in the trunk of a car is a mystery, but then again, people still sell crack in federal ultra-security jails.

McDougal said the check was the proceeds of a loan to Clinton from McDougal's Madison Guaranty Savings & Loan and paid off a Whitewater debt at the other financial institution McDougal owned, Madison Bank & Trust. Right, and McDougal cashed the check without an endorsement -- a usual bank practice.

Of course, this is the first time McDougal's told THIS story and no other records, for either of McDougal's S&L (as in Scam and Lie) banks reflect the supposed transaction.

Malibu Ken Starr's office declined to comment.

I'll bet.

McDougal, a court-proven born liar, was locked in solitary last week after a hearing before a disciplinary officer. He was ordered into "disciplinary segregation" for seven days and had privileges including telephone contact restricted. The punishment followed McDougal's refusal to provide a urine sample randomly requested for contraband testing.

That explains it -- I guess ol' Jim is puffing the pipe.

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