Tuesday, December 1st, 1998 --- New York (APJP) -- This, if you can believe it, was the actual opening statement made by master of clowns Bob Barr as published in the Congressional Record.

We have taken the liberty of adding to it. We were certain you would laugh simply at his own words, so off-the-wall and grandiose that he would be easily diagnosed as a psychiatric case, but we just couldn't resist. We hope you have fun reading what Barr really might have been thinking -- were he sane.

Our comments, as usual, are in CAPITOLS.

Imagine a place where a dictator, a king, a prime minister or a president could walk into your home at any time, and force you to accede to any demand, however unreasonable. WELL, YOU'RE HERE! THE UNITED STATES IS THE PLACE I'M TALKING ABOUT. HERE, IF YOU ARE AN AGENT OF THE POLICE, THE DEA OR THE FBI, YOU CAN DO JUST THAT. A CASE IN POINT: ONE MS. MONICA LEWINSKY, WHO WAS HAVING TEA IN A PRIVATE RESTAURANT WITH LINDA "FATA HARI" TRIPP, WHEN SHE SUDDENLY FOUND HERSELF SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN AGENTS OF OF KEN STARR AND WAS DETAINED, WITHOUT COUNSEL, FOR 18 HOURS. Throughout history -- including 18th century Britain -- such regimes have been the norm, SO IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY THAT WE DID THAT IN THIS CASE. The system of rule by law under which we live stands as a stark exception to the historically prevalent notion that a ruler can take whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, from any subject. OF COURSE, HERE IN MY UNITED STATES, THE RULERS ARE CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY, THE WEALTHY (WHO, I MIGHT ADD, ARE GENERALLY REPUBLICANS), AND ORGANIZED CRIME WHICH WE HAVE FAILED TO PROTECT YOU FROM BECAUSE WE ARE MORE EAGER TO LOCK UP POOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS FOR POSSESSION OF A FEW MARIJUANA CIGARETTES.

As we so quickly forget in times of stability and prosperity, our system is a fragile one; a brief flicker of light in the otherwise dark march of human political history WHICH INCLUDES FRANCE, ENGLAND AND EVERY OTHER DEMOCRACY ON EARTH, AND IN WHICH I INCLUDE THE MAGNA CARTA, THE FRENCH REVOLUTION AND THE CONTINUED FIGHT IN LATIN AMERICA TO OUST DICTATORS.If we drop our guard, even for a moment, and allow a president to demand citizens LIKE MONICA LEWINSKY TO gratify his personal desires, and let him place himself in the way of laws designed to prevent such conductEVEN THOUGH SHE SEDUCED HIM AND EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO LAWS TO PREVENT SUCH CONDUCT, that light will be greatly dimmed, if not snuffed out. DID YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS FROM PLANET REMULAC?

Our Founding Fathers understood the importance restraining unbridled AND UNMARRIED power, because they grew up in a system that did not -- EVEN THOUGH THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE HERE MOSTLY TO BECOME RICH OFF THE TOIL AND TORTURE OF AMERICAN INDIANS AND SLAVES. IN ENGLAND, SLAVERY WAS BECOMING LESS CHIC, SO THE FOUNDING FATHERS HAD TO FIND ANOTHER LAND TO CONQUER -- THIS LAND! The Constitution includes explicit provisions that protect us from abuse of power, SAVE THOSE THAT ALLOW OUT-OF-CONTROL INDEPENDENT COUNSELS TO SPEND UNLIMITED FUNDS AND MAN-HOURS ON A TEAM OF NEARLY ONE HUNDRED ATTORNEYS TO DESTROYANY HUMAN LIFE THEY CHOOSE including provisions to prevent us from being forced to quarter soldiers UNLESS WE CANCEL THE CONSTITUTION WHICH WE CAN DO, AND HAVE, IN TIMES OF WAR, to stop the government from imprisoning us without cause, ALTHOUGH THE RATIO OF BLACKS TO WHITES IN PRISON SHOWS JUST THE OPPOSITE, and to protect us from involuntary servitude OR WORKFARE.

The facts of the case before us are not complex ALTHOUGH NOT A SINGLE "FACT" HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED BY LAW. Bill Clinton, first as Governor ALTHOUGH WE HAVE NO FACTS, and then as President ALTHOUGH WE HAVE NO FACTS, using the power entrusted to him, coarsely demanded personal favors from individual citizens, UNLIKE ME, WHO TAKES MONEY FROM PRIVATE CITIZENS IN ORDER TO FAVOR THEIR BUSINESSES WITH MY VOTE. When one of those citizens refused, AND I AM REFERRING TO PAULA JONES HERE, EVEN THOUGH NOTHING SHE ALLEGED HAS BEEN PROVED IN COURT OR ELSEWHERE, NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT SHE CONTRADICTED HER SWORN ALLEGATIONS AGAINST CLINTON UNDER OATH ON AT LEAST FIVE OCCASIONS, the Supreme Court voted unanimously to allow her access to the courts AND THEN THE COURTS SAID HER BOGUS CASE HAD NO STANDING BECAUSE SHE HAD NO INJURY UNDER THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES. Instead of apologizing FOR NOTHING, Bill Clinton continued to abuse his office BY NOT GIVING THE LITTLE TART TWO MILLION DOLLARS AND BY NOT INVITING ME THERE TO COUNSEL HIM, to smear that citizen's name -- PAULA JONES -- TRAILER PARK TRASH OP CIT., and block her access to justice -- OR JUDICIAL BLACKMAIL. Instead of telling the truth to the court and a grand jury AS I SEE IT, the President, LIKE ME DURING MY MULTIPLE DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, lied. Instead of cooperating with the court, he AND I obstructed its efforts -- BUT WHY NOT? MOST JUDGES ARE JUST POLITICAL HACKS -- ELECTED BY THE SAME MENTAL MIDGETS WHO ELECTED ME! At this very moment, government and private employees are working under his direct orders to block this committee's efforts FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN WE HAVE BEEN CONVENED AS A MODERN DAY KANGAROO COURT.

We are witnessing nothing less than the symptoms of a cancer -- WELL, OKAY A BROKEN FINGERNAIL -- on the American presidency. If we fail to remove this cancer, it will expand AND THEN EXPLODE WITH TONS OF SEEPING PUS WHICH MIGHT BURY THE CAPITOL THEN TURN INTO GANGRENE AND KILL AND ALL WHO OCCUPY IT LIKE "THE BLOB" to destroy the principles AND THE PORK that matter most to us AND OUR OWNERS IN BIG BUSINESS.

Any system of government can choose to perpetuate virtue... or vice. IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I WOULD CHOOSE VICE -- LIKE ABOLISHING THE RIGHTS OF PRISONERS TO FAIR AND SPEEDY TRIALS. If this President is allowed to use the presidency to gratify his personal desires UNLIKE MYSELF, WHO USED HIS GUILE AND TONGUE TO LICK WHIPPED CREAM OFF A STRIPPER'S NAKED BODY, in the same way a corrupt county or parish boss IN MY HOME DISTRICT IN GEORGIA solicits money for votes, future occupants will, sadly, do the same. IN OTHER WORDS -- EVERYONE FOOLS AROUND. SO IF WE LET CLINTON DO IT, THEN EVEN GEORGE BUSH JR., A "GIANT" OF VIRTUE, WILL TOO -- AS HIS FATHER DID. IT'S LIKE A DISEASE THAT WILL SPREAD UNCHECKED UNTIL EVEN THE STOCK BOY AT THE A&P WILL TRY TO COP A FEEL FROM A MIDDLE-AGED BAG LADY. AND If the proposition that perjury is sometimes acceptable is allowed to stand, in the blink of an eye AS I ALLOWED IT -- AS LONG AS IT WAS POLICE WHO PERJURED THEMSELVES DURING MY BRIEF TENURE AS A "LAW AND ORDER" FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, it will become acceptable in every case EVEN FOR CRIMINALS (after all, "equal protection of our laws" will be used to demand equal protection of perjury for all -- AT LEAST UNDER MY WARPED METHOD OF CONSIDERING THE FUTURE IMPACT OF A GUY WHO DOESN'T WANT HIS WIFE TO KNOW HE FOOLED AROUND). Such a precedent would hang forever, as an albatross, around the neck of our judicial system NOT TO MENTION ITS IMPACT ON THE CIRCULATION OF READER'S DIGEST. If we stand by while a President obstructs justice AS DID MY PAL DICK NIXON, BY USING HIS MIND TO FOIL TRAITORS TO DEMOCRACY and destroys his enemies LIKE ME, our entire government will be contaminated AND DESTROYED with cynical disdain for MY rule of law BECAUSE I WAS A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, AND IF ANYONE KNOWS THE LAW IT'S ME -- EVEN THOUGH I AM SO AFRAID OF THE TRUTH THAT I CONTINUE TO DENY I AM AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

The President of the United States controls at his fingertips the greatest arsenal of destructive power ever assembled in human history AND BILL CLINTON CERTAINLY USES IT AT THE DROP OF A HAT -- HE NEVER WAITS, HE NEVER UNPOPULARLY DECIDES NOT TO BOMB A FOREIGN NATION IN FAVOR OF NEGOTIATION RATHER THAN WAR; just as the governor of a state controls the state's police power -- GOD, I LOVE POLICE. He has the ability to destroy one life or billions -- I AM GETTING HARD. He is the singular individual charged with the constitutional duty of faithfully enforcing the laws -- all the laws -- of the United States -- WELL, THAT IS NOT REALLY TRUE -- UNDER THE CONSTITUTION IT'S THE ATTORNEY GENERAL WHO HAS THAT SINGULAR POWER. When evidence emerges that he would abuse that power or fail in that duty, it is a matter of gravest constitutional importance IF YOU ARE AN ULTRA RIGHT WING NEO-NAZI LIKE ME WHO OWES HIS ENTIRE CAREER TO PROSECUTING PEOPLE WHO LOOKED OUT THEIR CRACKED WINDOWS AT THE AGE OF THREE AND LOST THAT THING WE CALL HOPE.

If we fail to address such charges, we will soon be left standing dazed and befuddled MUCH AS I WILL AFTER THE NEXT ELECTION among the smoldering ruins of a great REPUBLICAN-PARTY-CONTROLLED democracy. We will count the cost of choosing temporal stability over permanent justice, and putting politics over principle, in diminished freedoms, lost lives, and ruined institutions SUCH AS THE RACK, SLAVERY, INDIAN RESERVATIONS, JIM CROW LAWS, GERRYMANDERING, ABOLISHMENT OF THE VOTE FOR WOMEN, VOTING ONLY IF YOU OWN PROPERTY AND ARE WHITE, RACISM, AND MORE. History is littered with the wreckage of nations whose leaders buried their heads in the sand as adversity appeared on the horizon SUCH AS LYING ABOUT SEX. The United States of America in 1998 must not suffer the same fate -- THEREFORE I AM RESIGNING. JUST KIDDING!

In America, we have a right not to be tapped on the shoulder AS WAS MONICA LEWINSKY and escorted to a room where a mayor, a governor, or AN FBI AGENT, endraped (END -- RAPED? JEEZ -- BETTER BE MORE CAREFUL IN MY CHOICE OF WORDS) with absolute power, mistreats us. When such conduct occurs, it is the right of any citizen to seek ultimate redress in the one -- the only -- forum designed for that purpose -- A RIGHT-WING WITCH TRIAL, where each of us is on a level playing field with any other DEVIL, BEEZLEBUB, OR WARLOCK: our KANGAROO courts, the ultimate equalizer in our system of government IN FAVOR OF RICH WHITE GUYS.

In America, we have a right to pursue WOMEN AND justice in court without high government officials obstructing the proceedings at every opportunity AS DID RICHARD MELLON SCAIFE AND HIS ALLY KEN STARR. In America, we have a right to question the conduct of our leaders without being publicly smeared UNLESS YOU ARE A DEMOCRAT and privately threatened by their henchmen LIKE THE VENAL BETTY CURRIE. When those rights are taken away, as I HAVE done, we must say unequivocally, "no sir, MADAM, this you cannot do."

These are the principles our committee must vindicate BECAUSE I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. A great weight rests on our shoulders today AND IT IS CALLED BUCKETS OF MANURE. As we run from press conferences WHICH WE STAGE TO PRETEND WE ARE UPSET WITH THE PRESIDENT to WASTEFUL meetings to the House floor , it is easy to forget our most solemn responsibility -- preserving the rule of MY law. If we accept that this debate is about sex and politics EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY IS, rather than truth and justice AS I SEE IT, we have already failed in our responsibility, WHICH OF COURSE WE HAVE. Anyone who has made it their goal to hide the truth SUCH AS I, obstruct this process WHICH I DO SO WELL, or use it for political gain WHICH I TIRED TO DO BUT WHICH BACKFIRED ON ME, should summon up whatever tattered remains of honor I have left, stand up, and walk out of this room -- AND SO I WILL... AFTER I MAKE AN EVEN BIGGER FOOL OF MYSELF.

Imagine if all the journalists, lawyers, and staff who fill this room today disappeared -- WOULDN'T THAT BE WONDERFUL. Imagine if they were replaced with the faces of all the great American heroes, LIKE OLIVER NORTH, JOE MCCARTHY, RICHARD NIXON AND BOB PACKWOOD, who have come before us... the patriots who pledged their lives, fortunes and sacred honors to create our republic BECAUSE WE FORCED THEM... the men who gathered in Philadelphia 211 years ago to solidify it with a constitution THAT MODERNIZED AND STREAMLINED THE INSTITUTION OF SLAVERY... the young soldiers who bled to death on foreign shores to protect it... the prosecutors LIKE ME, ME, ME who put their lives on the line AS I DID AGAINST THE BLACK TEEN AGED DRUG USERS to enforce its laws ... the doctors who endangered their own survival to cure diseases that threatened its people LIKE MANIA ... every teacher who has led her class in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance LIKE STORMTROOPERS CHANTING FOR HITLER.

Could you look into those faces, and tell them it really doesn't matter that the President abused his power, lied to the American people, perjured himself, and subverted the rule of law -- ALL TO GET HIS ROCKS OFF? OF COURSE YOU COULD. BUT IN MY AMERICA, YOU COULDN'T -- BECAUSE WEWOULD PUNISH YOU! Anyone who can answer yes TO GETTING HIS ROCKS OFFdoesn't have the right to sit here today. YOU SEE -- THERE IS NO RULE OF LAW -- UNLESS YOU AGREE WITH ME.

In this task, we should not be guided by polls OR OUR PRIVATE PARTS. It is our job as legislators to diagnose threats to our democracy SUCH AS GRABBING SOME BOOTY IN A HALLWAY and eliminate them. BY "THEM" I MEAN BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY THREATS TO OUR REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED "DEMOCRACY." By the time the damage to our system is so great that everyone can see it, WITH RESULTS SUCH AS REAL HEALTH CARE REFORM, AN INCREASED MINIMUM WAGE AND A STABLE AND SOLVENT LONG-TERM PLAN TO PRESERVE SOCIAL SECURITY, the wounds TO OUR RADICAL RIGHT WING AGENDA will be too deep to heal AND I WON'T BE RE-ELECTED. I have already waited too long to address this issue. I AM ALREADY A LAUGHING STOCK AMONG MY OWN REPUBLICAN "COLLEAGUES." I CANNOT WALK INTO A BAR WITHOUT BEING SNICKERED AT OR INSULTED. ALL MY EX-WIVES ARE SUFFERING TOO UNDER MY MEAGER INCOME, FOR I CANNOT PAY ALIMONY AND CHILD SUPPORT. The step we are taking today is one I urged over 3 yearS ago WHEN DICK SCAIFE OFFERED ME POWER AND MONEY IF I WOULD GO AFTER CLINTON -- WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS BUTT-BOY EMMETT TYRRELL AT AMERICAN SPECTATOR. EVEN THOUGH I WAS A NOBODY -- A FIRST-TERM CONGRESSMAN WHO COULDN'T GET A REAL JOB -- HE SELECTED ME, ME! BOB BARR, WHO WAS A JOKE -- EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL. THEREFORE we must move forward quickly BEFORE I AM EXPOSED AS THE PHONY I AM, courageously, fairly, and, most importantly, constitutionally; along the one and only path charted for us in the Constitution: impeachment. AFTER ALL, IT IS NOT LOVE FOR OUR FELLOW MAN AND UNDERSTANDING OF HIS WEAKNESS THAT SHOULD DICTATE WHAT WE DO TODAY -- IT IS THAT RULE OF LAW -- THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS, LAW, LAW, LAW, LAW, LAW! EVEN IN MY HOME, IT IS THE RULE OF LAW THAT PREVAILS! IF MY WIFE SPENDS TOO MUCH, OR MY GRANDCHILDREN LIE ABOUT WATCHING TOO MUCH TELEVISION -- THEN I HOLD A TRIAL WHERE I AM PROSECUTOR, JUDGE AND JURY AND I FIND THEM GUILTY AND THEN PUNISH THEM SO THAT THEY -- UNLIKE BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON -- WILL NEVER GROW UP TO BE THREATS TO DEMOCRACY.

ET TU, BARNEY FRANK!!!!

-- Bob Barr -- as told to

-- Mac MacArthur