TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1st, 1998 -- NEW YORK/WASHINGTON -- Henry Hyde started his sad "hearings" today not even pretending to judge the President, but announcing Bill Clinton's guilt. Why then, bother to have hearings at all? Why not just vote to impeach him and throw the matter to the full House?

The answer: to try and "sell" the people Hyde's own brand of snake oil and make a feeble attempt to move public opinion toward his side.

Leading off questioning of the basketball coach -- who would later be "outed" for those without familiarilty with her case or instinctive "gay-dar" -- and the fake doctor/lawyer "wiener dog" was Rep. Bill McCollum (R-FL), who actually asked the ex-coach ex-jailbird what she thought about letting the President off. Hilarious! It was like a bad dream, and McCollum was stupid enough to take this pathetic "witness" seriously.

Next Bill-boy asked the toad-like Ms. Battalino (who looks sort of like Tony Blankley in drag) what she thought if there was a double standard. Be real: who cares what she thinks? She was a loser from the word go -- she holds a grudge against the Justice Department. She's a poseur -- a woman who "claims" to be a physician but is really only a fake physician.

What a joke.

Barney Frank (D-MA), gay himself, compliments these jerks for coming forward -- especially the lesbian. Frank lost some credibility here. He should have been chastising them for coming forward at the behest of Hyde and his pals to participate in a lynching when they themselves were found guilty of real crimes and perhaps lynched themselves.

Frank foolishly decided to take the high road instead. He wanted to compare the perjuries of the two with Clinton's alleged perjury. He bored us with this tack. He spoke of unlimited discovery. He also said nobody has proved the President committed perjury and that Starr claims the President lied because he got the month wrong when his relationship with Lewinsky began. Then Hyde cut him off.

Next up was Rep. Gekas (R-PA) -- the personification of geek. Gekas mocked Frank for thinking that some lies should be discounted as inconsequential when looking at perjury. Then Gekas claimed a pattern exists that a finding could be made that perjury "may" have been committed. Another laugh from the right -- this is the best one yet. While not being able to prove perjury, the Committee could find that "maybe" there was perjury and thus move for impeachment.

Gekas attempted to lay a corrupt, rotten rationale before us. Does he think America stupid?

Talk about grabbing at straws.

Chuck Schumer - the senator-elect from New York -- laughed at the Committee, saying it "needs help." He reminded the people that later on the Committee will issue subpoenas to expand this witch hunt into campaign finance violations -- violations perpetrated more by the Republican Party than by any Democrat, by a massive margin. Schumer placed blame on the ultra-right, which dominates this Committee. He charged the Speaker-elect to step in and take control of "this runaway train." He said that Bob Livingston should end this entire matter and agree to entertain a motion of censure or some such. Schumer then lied himself, saying that Hyde has tried to be fair.

What a joke. Hyde fair? Who could seriously believe that?

Rep. Howard Coble, GOP cracker of North Carolina , asked the alleged "doctor" whether she was married when she was "sausage diving." Battalino -- who, despite the way she was depicted by the Committee, was never a real physician and never a real attorney by even a moderate standard -- lost her job and her ability to practice (thank the Lord for small miracles). Parsons said she didn't lose her job as a result of her conviction. Coble, no rocket scientist, says that these two sad freaks are "more illuminating than the scholars: the Committee heard last month.

Rep. Rick Boucher (D-VA) thought these two so ridiculous that he passed on even questioning them.

Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) asked Battalino, since she recognizes the Declaration of Independence (snicker) and the Constitution, should we have different standards for high level government officials? Lemme guess -- like the President, Mr. Smith? Battalino, an obvious partisan plant, of course replied "No. We should all be treated alike" -- you could hear that one from a mile away.

Parsons, not exactly Albert Schweitzer herself, said, "OOOOH, this is a toughie." She felt there is a higher standard the higher your office. Gee, what a surprise! Then Smith actually asked these two what the Committee should do with Clinton. We were in stitches -- it got better every second. Parsons said -- we're not making this up, either -- "This is not cool" -- a line that made us believe for a moment we were watching the female equivalent of Beavis and Butt-Head. We were almost expecting Battalino to add "Huh-huh, like, perjury sucks." Instead, Battalino wants the President put under house arrest.

Gerry Nadler (D-NY), who looks ready to explode should he eat just one more Oreo, nonetheless remains one of our favorite congressmen. He asked Parsons if she had been tried for perjury. Of course she wasn't -- she pled guilty. Battalino also did not go to trial and pled guilty. Nadler pointed out that either one could have called witnesses for their side, and could have had witnesses called against them -- exposing this significant and underreported flaw in the Committee's handling of so-called Presidential "perjury." He reminded Hyde that we have heard no witnesses against the president. And Nadler does not want to call any because he thinks this process is a sham. He called the 81 questions to the President "nothing but a way to have the president convict himself if he so chose... Any prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich," says Nadler. And Nadler added that there is no clear and convincing evidence, no evidence at all. He said Gekas has suggested they rubber stamp the Starr report. "So why do we need these hearing at all?"

One pauses to wonder just which idiots decided to call these two particular women, who represent nothing consistent with an average American.

Rep. Elton Gallegly (R-CA), who no one has ever heard of, congratulates the two witnesses on their "courage!" He asked Battalino if she was convicted when "President Clinton was in charge of the Justice Department!"

What a riot. What a clear joker he is. That's right, Clinton sits over at Justice day after day after day running Janet Reno's shop. Sure, Mr. Gallegly, President Clinton is really Janet Reno in drag. Gallegly is a moron, or rather what morons you must think we are.

Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA) was next up. He called for fairness and orderliness. None of the allegations include impeachable offenses, he says. So what's new? Where is the fire from the Democrats? Can we rely solely on the feisty, combative and erudite Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) -- a terrific member of the Committee and a black woman Republicans around this country naturally demean because she is African-American and a woman. Frankly, Scott bored us.

Rep. Chuck Canady (R-FL) who reminded one of Casper the "Evil" Ghost but with wire-rim glasses, also congratulated the two female ex-cons. He harkened back to the Nixon impeachment, during which Congressman Brooks said "No man can be above the law."

Wow. What an eye-opener!

We are moving to impeach the President right now! he exclaimed. Canady is so wise. Where has he been hiding? Battalino said she was impressed with the Committee that handled Nixon. She hopes that this Committee will have the same unbiased approach! What a card. Coach Parsons said "I know this: we have certain basic things that must be addressed with all of us no matter what position we're in."

Position? We're not going to touch that line!

Canady then responded to Democrats: "We don't have to conduct ourselves like the courts. That's the Senate's problem. We have a mountain of sworn testimony that points to the fact the president is guilty of lying under oath. The Democrats don't want to do that. The defense is that is really doesn't matter. I disagree. Blah blah blah."

Rep. Mel Watt (D- GA) simply adopts Scott's statements.

Rep. Bob Inglis (R-SC) -- a real lower IQer and an honest-to-God loser (check his election results) -- told these two cashews that they have "single-handedly thrown a wrench into the White House spin machine." No one has attacked them, he said.

Well, who would? Like the poor quadriplegic, no one would publicly dare attack two sorry people like these women! Inglis asked Battalino to "distinguish" her case from Clintons. She says they are very much alike and claims she can sympathize with Clinton. There were tapes in her case, too. She claimed the "similarity" is the hesitancy to tell the truth and how wrong that is. "We cannot permit that certain lies or okay or acceptable" and believes that in "the depths of her soul." Of course, she leaves out the fact that she wishes she had never lied -- solely because she was caught at it! Battalino, convicted felon, dares to lecture us on morals.

Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA) praised Bobby Scott. She said this issue is one of the most embarrassing situations in American history and pointed out that Howard Berman refused to even attend this hearing and that she should not have shown up at all. She said she will not ask these women any questions because they have no standing to answer them. She asked the Chairman why Congresspeople are sitting there listening to these two bozos when judges are lined up to speak on this issue.

Hyde claimed he is "exploring" whether there are two standards. We roared at this "boner from "Mr." Hyde -- obviously there are, since Hyde lied to everyone for 30 years about his own adulterous and hurtful affair and has, himself, been investigated for his role in bank fraud around the time of BCCI. He went into his Chief Law Enforcement Officer routine, as if on cue. One could hear giggling in the audience.

Nadler interrupted him. Some members may have concluded that the president lied and lied under oath. But others have not. The President is entitled to the same due process as anyone else, he added, and pointed out that perjury is prosecutable, but not impeachable.

Hyde then claimed that the Starr report has lots of testimony under oath -- you have given us none. If you have any exculpatory witnesses -- where are they?

Barney Frank broke in and promised not to browbeat Hyde. Hyde said "Go ahead, why be different?" Every one laughed. Hyde is good at this -- relieving the tension even as he acts as a serpent. He also pointed out that the only "witnesses" would be Vernon Jordan, Monica Lewinsky, and Betty Currie who would testify for the President, not against him.

Hyde then lauds his two woman victims -- chosen because they were women.

Frank asked Hyde, "Are you saying that you would prosecute the President for not remembering exactly what date he started fooling around with Lewinsky?" Hyde said he would not -- but the two other charges Starr makes are worse, he implies.

Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA) simply reads a list of lies that Starr says the President made before the grand jury and others. He then asked Battalino about her losses, including her employment. Goodlatte -- which mean great milk -- gets Battalino to admit she plea-bargained because she couldn't fight for lack of money!

Gee, she must have been a great moneymaker as a "doctor-lawyer." Goodlatte also pointed out that the case in which she committed perjury was dismissed!

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) was next. She said she appreciated that the two witnesses came before the Committee today. She also said that the questions by Democrats were not directed at them. Oh, please! Then Jackson Lee got going. She addressed herself to the Chairman: "We are here today... because of Starr's referral... and pursuant to a resolution drafted by Republicans on the floor of the house. I would hope... we would have proceeded... cross-examining and examining... and finally reaching a common consensus on what we should recommend to the full house." She added that most of the Rodino debates were held in secret and then attacked Starr for appearing on television when he said he did not. "He tried to make himself the darling of impeachment." Lee went on to say that this Committee has not conducted itself in an orderly manner. Impeachment is based on treason and bribery and OTHER high crimes and misdemeanors. She told us the President can be prosecuted for any crimes he may or may not have committed. "He has embarrassed and tainted his legacy. I will say to you Ms. Parsons, thank you. I understand you were dealing with another female. Were you avoiding embarrassment, hurt to your family members or others?" Parsons said she was not embarrassed, she was manipulating. Battalino said she was embarrassed. We'd say she should be embarrassed for continuing to pursue a makeup regime of trying to look as close to a red-headed toad as possible (yes, a cheap shot, we know).

Jackson Lee reminded the Chairman that unlike these two geeks, the President has not admitted that he, at any time, lied under oath.

Rep. Steve Buyer (R-ID) was next. He thinks lying about your private sex life is the same as treason and taking bribes. Lord, help him. We wonder how Christ will judge him. He claimed that his daughter and her friends remember the President wagging his finger in their faces -- of course, he was wagging his fingers in the faces of the smug Republican-controlled press who had badgered him about a million different rumors for six years! So Buyer here is lying himself.

As a matter of fact, all the Republicans were lying -- straight faced -- to the people almost every time they spoke here! They are out to kill the President for their own political and monetary gain. That's the truth. If they admitted that, perhaps we could get on with it.

Every American of conscience believes that. Thankfully, the GOP forgets -- and will be destroyed as a result.

Parsons said she lied so she could collect on a libel suit. Battalino said "No" to a question about whether she was giving hum jobs to some guy in her office. She went to prison. Of course the reason she was sent to prison was that she was so damn ugly -- and we don't mean this as an insult, because the fact is no one lets an ugly woman get away with much. On the other hand, the President is a pretty handsome guy. So we think -- under this logic -- which is as rational as the Republican side of this lynching -- Clinton should be let off.

Are we watching a Fellini film here? It must be. Or a Bogdonovich thriller complete with lesbians and bogus doctors.

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA) wanted to declare that she is not convinced that the President has perjured himself. No surprise. She asked Nadler if all perjurers are prosecuted. A dumb line of questioning, we think, and a waste of Waters' fire. Nadler, under her questioning, said that most perjury cases are not prosecuted. Waters also asked if prosecuting perjury is an exception or a rule. Someone said it is the exception -- which we all know already since, at almost every trial ever held, perjury is committed -- most notably by police and prosecutors in order to put real criminals in jail. Waters pointed out that she had to postpone her commitments to World Aids Day, which is today. She reads an HIV press release.

Oh, brother. Why now, Maxine? Somehow she links AIDS to lying under oath.

Waters pointed out that Reagan committed real perjury about sales of arms to Iran in exchange for cash given to the Contras for munitions. She said Reagan and Bush repeatedly lied to Congress and the American people and pointed out how Bush refused to talk to Independent Counsel Lawrence Walsh on the same issue.

Rep. Ed Bryant (R-TN) said that most perjuries are not detected and that is why they are not prosecuted.

Wrong. Time for Law 101: the truth is that there are so many perjuries that the American justice system relies on juries and judges to decide who is lying LESS, not who is telling the truth MORE. This is something an attorney learns during the first year of law school, and all the Republican lawyers on the panel are lying now by not pointing this out -- including Mr. Bryant. As their own Chairman lied, by omission, so do these members.

Bryant, a true Tennessee idiot, said that children are lying and cheating more often on tests because of the President's remarks about Lewinsky! The truth is that if children are lying more now, it is based on the thousands of lies and various postures assumed by the ultra-right wing of the Republican Party for the sole purpose of abrogating the 1992 and 1996 presidential elections. Bryant then relied on the word of super-liar Dick Morris. It's just too much to absorb. The President has already denied saying what Morris claims.

Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-MA) asked one question: did either woman review the grand jury testimony of Mr. Clinton and the significant witnesses in this matter? Battalino said "I read excerpts." Parsons said she didn't because she didn't want to be "biased." What a cop-out -- our reader services manager Liz chimed in saying "Yuh -- it might be because she was so busy eating at the Y."

Politically incorrect, yes -- but what more can one expect from this outrage being foisted on C-SPAN and America by the Hyde Witch Hunt Cadre?

Rep. Steve Chabot (R-OH) asked about Battalino's embarrassment. The question was unintelligible. Where does the GOP find "quality" representatives like Chabot? Battalino said that once she came clean she gained strength to battle what she had to later on. He said these two are representing 113 other Americans who are also "suffering for their lies!" What a shill -- 113 out of perhaps 250,000 who have perjured themselves in Federal Courts during the past few years alone.

We ask you, Mr. Chabot - the exception or the rule?

What happened to Battalino and Parsons, two women now being used by the richard Scaife wing of the GOP, was over money and greed. What is happening to Bill Clinton is an attack on democracy itself. The Republican Party is engaging in a military operation to oust an elected President.

Chabot said "interns are off-limits" -- accidentally implying that other women are "fair game." What a mental midget he is. We can see the headlines now: "Chabot said Women OK -- Interns No."

Rep. Bob Wexler (D-FL) recognized that this Committee is a "theater of the absurd." He went on about the threshold of an impeachable offense rather than explaining why the President did not perjure himself -- which would be a much better use of Democrat time. Then he read Hyde's words regarding a Congressman who had had sex with a 17 year old House page -- a child -- and been censured. Hyde had asked the members "to consider this in its totality... we are here to earn our fellow man's esteem... it is not over, it is never over, it will be with him and his family for as long as he lives... keep the sin and love the sinner. I think it is time to love the sinner... Mr. Chairman, I plead with you now to heed these words and vote for censure."

Bob "Bozo" Barr (R-Planet Remulak), who is reputed to have lied under oath in at least two of his three divorce cases, was up next. He is the most disrespected man in Congress by his colleagues and the American people -- at least those that know him. he is also one of the most unintentionally entertaining, but he was having an "off" day today -- he simply read the oath taken by Clinton before testifying in a laughable stab at being theatrical.

It didn't work.

Rep. Steve Rothman (D-NJ) talked about the fact that the President could be charged with perjury, if perpetrated, by a prosecutor. He said the Committee must first determine whether the President committed perjury and whether this "perjury" amounts to high crimes and misdemeanors.

Rep. Bill Jenkins (R-TN) passed.

Rep. Tom Barrett (D-WI) tells the two women that their being here must be part of their healing process. He reminded them -- gently -- that the lesbian was the plaintiff in her case, and the "Doctor" asked the government to pay her expenses under appeal -- after she had been convicted. He asked Battalino whether she had requested this money from the government (she was being charged with sexual harassment while a government employee). We can see how her mouth could be a tool of sexual harassment and why she was convicted (yes, another cheap shot, we know). But the real surprise is that she didn't commit suicide rather than exposing herself to this joke of a hearing.

Rep. Asa Hutchinson (R-AK), who used to be Bill Clinton's friend, now assumes the role of Linda Tripp. He is a good-looking liar, which makes him all the more dangerous. He pointed out that his decision will have an impact on the institution of the Presidency. He said that the two witnesses represent equal justice and equal treatment under the law. He said his debate on the President "is a little bit different" -- that's an understatement. Hutchinson said he has never seen a federal judge treat perjury lightly -- what a liar. Sure, when the perjury is so obvious that the judge cannot ignore it, then it may be prosecuted. But more likely, even under those circumstances, perjury is not a route any prosecutor wants to take unless he or she has nothing else. That is the truth, Mr. Hutchinson -- and we recommend you tell it.

Hutchinson asked one question. When you lied, how did you justify it at the time? Battalino said her main justification was that the civil law suit was not well grounded and in order to save embarrassment she was justified. Seems like the same for Clinton? Now she conveniently claims that her feelings were wrong.

Rep. Marty Meehan (D-MA), married to the beautiful and wonderfully competent Susan Blumenthal (Deputy Surgeon General), showed his own talent by asking the witnesses how they came to testify here today. Battalino admitted that Hyde invited her. Parsons admitted that Hyde invited her. Meehan pointed out that neither one of them were convicted of treason, bribery or high crimes and misdemeanors! Great line! Hyde looked none too happy over this.

Rep. Edward Pease (R-IN), who looks like someone who was often beat up in high school, had nothing to add.

So Goodlatte took his speaking time and pointed out that the President is entitled to a presumption of innocence -- but then goes on to say he has "substantial evidence" that the President is a liar. He claims that the President should step forward to rebut this evidence -- even as he knows that the President cannot do this -- it is impossible to "rebut" hearsay statements. In order to evaluate hearsay the trier of fact must be seen and heard by the Committee. This has not happened. This will not happen.

Delahunt, using Pease's time, quoted Schleppers -- er, Schippers, the lawyer for the GOP. He suggested that simple acceptance of Starr's report does not meet the standard of "weighing" evidence and that Starr himself had never been present at any time -- except the President's testimony to the grand jury -- and that none of this is evidence.

He is right.

Chabot piped up that "if we go after evidence we'll be accused of being on a fishing expedition. "

Rep. Chris Cannon (R-UT) said "this is about perjury" and "every American knows perjury is an attack on the American government" -- hysterical! "No man is above the law." In short, his statement -- which he had to read -- was full of trite clichés.

Rep. James Rogan (R-CA) said he was here to explain how important perjury is. He was a judge. He asked Battalino, because her case "intrigues" him. She lied about consensual oral sex on federal property. Her case was dismissed, yet she was prosecuted. Rogan asked whether anyone from the White House, etc. "ever show up at your trial to suggest that you should be treated leniently because it was just about sex." But is wasn't -- it was about stealing money from the government. Rogan is lying by pretending that her case was about "lying about sex." She admitted that she is not and was never a member of any bar and never practiced law. She still claimed she was a doctor, when in fact she was a bogus doctor. Rogan continued his snide comments, asking her if she will ask for a pardon. She said that if the Clinton reasoning is accepted she would then hope for a pardon -- another laugh. He asked if Congress rules that Clinton should not be impeached, then would she think it was a double standard.

Rep. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), a hick who pretended all along to not favor impeachment only to "magically" turn around and demand it for sheer theater, was next. Graham pointed out that the gay congressman who Hyde went to bat for even though he was a child molester admitted to everything he had done. Yes... and...? Graham claimed that Clinton is insulting Graham's intelligence. We believe that. It's easy to accomplish when you have little intelligence to insult. He asked the President, "I ask you now to do what these two ladies have done." These two ladies are now being talked about as American heroes. Another laff-riot from the right -- we were rolling on the floor. He said to the President "If you own up, I will go to bat for you!" We're sure Clinton is very relieved to hear that.

Mrs. Sonny Bono (R-CA), the putative congresswoman from California whose only claim to fame is having a dead- singer-songwriter-producer-turned-congressman for a husband, passed. By the way, we actually knew Sonny Bono well. He is probably rolling in his grave seeing his wife participating in this lynch mob.

Mr. Steve Buyer (R-IN) was next up. He coached the Battalino broad to say that nothing she did was justifiable. He then brought up Kathleen Willey, who alleged that the President "assaulted her sexually" and ended up getting a job.

Now stop and think -- there seems to be a pattern of rewarding these Jane Does with credibility despite a lack of critical examination of the full story.

Buyer was treading on dangerous water. He then read an AP release that stated Nathan Landau --a Democrat fundraiser -- may have pled the fifth more than 70 times during his recent deposition.

Rep. Maxine Waters wanted to know why this was a crime for Battalino. She had sex with a patient in the VA Hospital and with charged with a crime.

Hyde finishes this segment and lauds the two witnesses. He thinks America will love them. He is wrong as usual.

Continued...

-- The Editors