American Politics Journal -- Debate Pap -- A Fake GOP Presidential Debate

Phony GOP Debate Pap
Four Morons Spin, Two Stand Tall
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by David J. Gonzo

Thursday, Dec. 2, 1999 -- NEW YORK (APJNS) -- What a riot -- the right-biased Fox News Channel played host to the remaining GOP Prez-wannabes in a phony New Hampshire debate this evening. Brit Hume and New Hampshire newscaster Karin Brown played host to four clowns -- and two real candidates.

Gary Bauer went first -- and bored us with the idea of inviting "the unborn" into the American family.

He looked pasty and spooky. Hatch, Bush and McCain looked freshly tanned.

Orrin Hatch then praised John McCain -- indirectly slamming some on Capitol Hill behind the anti-McCain "whispering campaign."

Alan Keyes castigated Fox News -- and the rest of the press -- for "phony polls" when Karin Brown asked him about his angry response and accusations of racism when he was recently -- and justifiably -- ignored by the press.

Jeez, Alan, lighten up -- everyone knows that you’re being ignored because you have your own ultra-right radio show and you've had your fifteen minutes already.

Steve Forbes slammed Bush baby for proposing an increase in the retirement age as a "betrayal" of Americans.

Hey, Steve, did you ever stop to think that life expectancy is up? Time to put those lazy pensioners to work!

Karin then put BushBaby on the spot, asking him to respond -- and all Shrubya could do was talk about Social Security. He looked and sounded as stiff as Gore, but after a bit too much coffee -- or other stimulant. "I'm going to Washington to save Social Security."

Oh, please -- you think you're going to Washington because you think it's your birthright.

Brit asked something boring about why he's qualified to be in the White House, and Bush talked about what a great leader he is -- then mentioned "his" foreign policy "let's bring back the Cold War" speech. Brit shot back with "I don't think you answered my question" -- and Bush responded with another non-answer.

Karin asked Forbes about the Microsoft suit, and he said "the suit will be moot."

Well, no kidding, Steve -- you said the suit would be "going to Jurassic Park," but we say that's where the PC will be in just a couple years. Karin asked if he would encourage DOJ to drop the suit, and Forbes said again that it would be obsolete -- and slammed Bush for not doing enough to cut taxes [his own, no doubt].

Brit then tried to cause trouble, asking McCain if he knew who was behind the anti-McCain "whispering campaign" -- and McCain was too much of a gentleman to name names. We wish he had. Brit asked what it was, then, that has led so many GOPers not to endorse him, even in Arizona. McCain made Brit look sort of dopey by mentioning the large number of Arizona officials who do support him.

Bauer sounded shallow when he started talking about tax cuts. Nobody cares anymore, Gary -- if you want some attention, soak the rich like The Donald wants to. But Bauer did recover slightly on a follow-up when he slammed privatization of Social Security.

Brit asked Alan Keyes what he would do if he were Prez, Taiwan declared independence and China fired missiles at Taiwan. Lordy, Brit loves those Long March missiles. After Keyes' rambling speech, we realized that the Chinese would have fired the missiles because Keyes was President, and a raving lunatic, and they could get away with it.

Karin asked Orrin Hatch if people should have the right to sue HMOs, and Hatch said he does not want to make lawyers rich. Well, Orrin, you don't need to -- most of them already are, at least by the standard of most Americans. Hatch said he was once a medical liability lawyer. We get the feeling he wouldn't be doing his song-and-dance if he still had his old job!!

Brit asked Forbes about a 20-year-old quote Bush had decided to exploit. Forbes could have bashed Bush, but bashed the Beltway over Social Security privatization jitters. What a missed opportunity. And his lie -- that it would "shut out special interests" -- probably had my stockbroker laughing. Forbes tried to raise the specter of Al Gore in charge of Social Security. Yawn.

Karin asked Bush Baby about the nation's smoggiest city -- Houston -- and Tier II air standards. Bush said Senator McCain's a good man. What a genius. He then said we could have economic growth and environmental protection at the same time.

No kidding, Dubya -- but you'll have to vote for Bradley or Gore to get it!

Brit then threw Orrin some red meat -- Microsoft. Orrin was merciless -- citing antitrust laws as conservative as he bashed Microsoft's business practices.

Karin asked McCain about overall Army readiness (not the armed forces but the Army) -- is the Army obsolete? No, said McCain, but they have shifted to global readiness and rapid deployment -- and they are not ready. He knows how to fix the problem -- not only with restructuring but "almost criminal behavior" in porkbarrel spending. He cited Trent Lott's aircraft carrier -- but sadly did not name Lott. He had us laughing when he said that we have enough C-150s to have one in every schoolyard!

Including charter schools, we're sure.

Brit asked Bauer what he would do if he could only do one thing as President. Bauer shocked us -- not -- by saying he would end abortions. He also claimed that affirmative action splits Americans apart. He said he would also "restore a sense of honor to the White House" and made a snide comment about "lying" in the White House.

Oh, please, Gary. "No new taxes." "We did not trade arms for hostages." We suggest that you focus on the GOP restoring honor to its own far more tarnished house.

Keyes claimed that atrocities in Kosovo were exaggerated -- claiming the military (read: hard-righters) and the media (read: Rush and Alan) said so. So, asked Karin, do we do something in Kosovo? Keyes claimed that being a "policeman" fomented violence -- and he slammed kleptocrats.

Keyes made John McLaughlin sound same.

Brit asked Dubya about the "pop quiz" and what he reads every day. "Dallas Morning News, NY Times, Wall Street Journal, Austin American-Statesman."

Four right-wing rags!

He then talked about Texas as the "eleventh-largest economy in the world" if it were a nation. We're sure his "binniss" friendliness would bump it up to tenth by legalizing sweatshops and child labor.

Forbes slammed Greenspan for harming American agriculture and said he was typical of "Washington dictating the rules." He said that Bush's cut keeps the IRS in place. He claimed that Greenspan believes "prosperity causes inflation."

Brit asked where McCain stood on the stock market (read: crash paranoia). McCain's answer was the best of the night -- he said that, if, God forbid, Alan Greenspan should croak, he'd prop him up, put sunglasses on him, and pull a "Weekend at Bernie's" scenario!

We wonder if Andrea Mitchell Greenspan would object.

McCain did say he was concerned about the high market.

Karin asked Bauer about a lurid Internet site concerning a murder victim -- should someone police the Internet? Bauer implied he would push for it -- saying that the biggest growth area on the Internet was pornography sites -- which is no longer true! He only said it so he could mention child pornography sites -- but they are illegal in the first place in the US!

Keyes talked freedom of speech -- then said that he wants to police the Internet too -- for the sake of the kids!

Hey Alan -- that's what parents are for! This from the same guy who slams the "nanny state."

We were not surprised that all of this Net slamming was coming from Fox -- the Internet is stealing their viewers.

Hatch said that he did not want to see the Internet taxed -- or unnecessarily regulated. He talked a little bit about intellectual property rights -- no doubt fearing some mp3 site is pirating his latest heavy metal album.

Forbes talked about tax cuts and "the American people... real American people, the Bailey family" -- still harping on the idiotic Bush tax cut proposal. He said that Americans want the tax code scrapped.

Got news, Stevie -- most of "the American people" also want to see the rich pull their weight. Forbes talked about a "stacked deck" -- but it's stacked against the middle class and working poor. Forbes is basically a liar and a snake-oil salesman.

When asked about HMOs, McCain said he supported reform -- and then concisely laid out his views on campaign reform and Internet taxation ("the Internet should not be taxed").

Brit asked Bauer whether it was fair that book stores have to collect tax but Internet stores do. Bauer said that certain services are going to those stores that are taxed -- but that's not completely true.

What will Keyes to do to keep Americans from going to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs? Keyes started talking about taxes -- and "thanking Massa Bush" for tax cuts -- calling Americans tax slaves. You know, even though he is a complete wacko, we have to admit Keyes is an awesome orator. Keyes even said that a government health care plan would be a good idea if it worked!

Orrin praised Bush for trying to cut taxes -- but, like Forbes (yet far more clearly), Orrin slammed him for working within a failed tax system and a terrible tax code. "I think we ought to throw out the whole doggone code."

Bush lamely said "some say it's too much, others say it's not enough, so I think I must be on to something." At one point he stammered. "I believe my plan has reasonable growth numbers." Reasonable growth numbers? Is this the kind of talk that lights a fire under supporters?

If you could be remembered for one thing as President, what would you want it to be? McCain: "Healing the breach between the American people and the government." He would also want to eliminate "corporate welfare."

Karin asked Forbes about "air rage" -- angry airliner passengers. Forbes talked about being a commercial airline passenger -- but we bet he's never flown coach in his life. Forbes supports a passenger bill of rights.

You have to love it -- the party that hates affirmative action wants to write half a dozen "bills of rights."

Brit got Keyes to talk about racism -- and Keyes said he was "strongly pro-life as opposed to Colin Powell... I'm a moral conservative." And that, Alan, is why people are not interested in you. You think you’re running against Powell!

Karin asked Bauer about medicinal marijuana, and Bauer -- just as one would expect -- expressed disdain for the laws and started claiming that "illegal drug use is skyrocketing" -- another lie from Bauer!

Brit asked what Bush would do about Saddam Hussein. Bush said no negotiation, no easing of sanctions -- so he'd starve Iraqi kids the same way he starves Mess'kins!! he also said he'd "take out his weapons of mass destruction" -- and we predict cause reprisals against Americans.

Orrin made an unexpected rant against the Department of Justice.

Then it was time for final statements.

Bush was first, and told us why he was running in a string of weak clichés" "I'm running because [insert prepared text here]... I'm a uniter, not a divider."

Forbes said that he wants more debates "so that the American people can see what each of us offers," namely more laughs than Comedy Central. He slammed a Beltway looking for "new ways to take your money." It sounded as if abolishing the IRS has become issue one for Steve -- hardly a word about moral issues.

Keyes took a minute to "abhor the violence" in Seattle -- then saluted the protesters and said that "when we hand sovereign power" to the WTO, you take power away from Americans and give it to "appointees of tyrants and dictators." He must have said "tyrants and dictators" about four times. "It's about time we say it's time to stop this destruction of the Constitution."

Wow -- we wouldn't want to get him started on the UN.

Orrin said he was sick of parties sending in establishment candidates -- then hit up viewers for $36 each. He then said to the other candidates that "we oughta leave the entourage behind... do a Lincoln-Douglas style debate [and] not do this stilted thing... how 'bout it?" Keyes said he'd do it!

McCain, who looked relaxed the entire evening, talked about American strength in an exciting time, describing the American president as a world leader. He touched on educational and military reform, rewriting the tax code, shutting out "special interests." He decried cynicism, and said that he wants to inspire young people to give something back to their country. Yep -- a few clichés -- but McCain pulled it off, where Bush had looked uncomfortable and stiff.

Bauer mentioned he was the son of a janitor (Don Nickles was his dad??), then talked about the American century, foreign battlefields, and "the coarsening of American culture" -- the usual puffed-up images. For about the fourth time, he called the GOP the "party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan."

And that was it.

Bauer and Forbes were dull one-trick ponies. Keyes is a raving lunatic -- but a smart and fast-thinking one. And Bush? Hopeless. Too rehearsed. Sound bites recycled verbatim from stump speeches and that ill-conceived foreign policy lecture.

In our view, McCain and Orrin so outperformed the others that it was embarrassing. McCain is ahead of Bush -- and will pull even further ahead. As for Orrin -- okay, so he doesn't have a chance this time, but we were very impressed.