Friday, December 4, 1998

Over the holiday I was introduced to my father's satellite dish, surely one of the most wonder-filled inventions since the Ronco Pocket Fisherman. With this doohickey, I could ponder an all game show channel, an all sports reruns channel, and about half a dozen half-killin'/half-fishin' channels. I think my favorites were the all-fishing channels: CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and two that I think were called C-SPIN or something.

Look out, Bill Dance! That extramaritally lovable Henry Hyde has given up a near-promising career as an actor and started his very own fishing show. He's calling it the "Impeachment Inquiry," which, I assume, is some arcane angling term to which I was never introduced in my younger fishing days.

The episode I saw showed a very thin quarry called a "Zippergate" wriggling off the line, much to the host's dismay. Some of his fishing buddies continued to cast after that one, but I think it was scared away by Henry's lapdog Schippers. The special guest spinner was former judge Ken Starr, who looked dangerously like a fish himself. I think he was downright rude to point out the other "ones that got away:" a Whitewater, a Filegate, and a Travelgate. He got paid back, though: Schippers got off his leash and bounced excitedly (and embarrassingly) on Starr's leg at the end of the show. I'm not sure why they ran that episode at all, because it didn't show Henry or his buddies catching anything. Then again, I don't claim to understand the boring end of the sports programming spectrum -- people apparently watch golf, too.

All right, you caught me. That was a longwinded (but hopefully entertaining) exercise in saying The Hyde Show is now, as Barney Frank accurately forecasted, an inquiry in search of a crime to justify its existence. They're still pretending to gather evidence, but if you can believe The New York Times, the Republicans have already written the impeachment resolution (under Hyde's direct supervision). We're living the bad joke, "We'll give him a fair trial, then hang him."

To me, the most irritating aspect of the current CW is this: "we've already proven the President is guilty of perjury, now we just have to figure out how to spank him." Commentators left and right make this statement daily with impunity. I reject that logical jump, dear opinion leaders, thanks all the same. In his responses to Ken's artificial Grand Jury, Ken's subsequent recommendation to Congress (where, to no one's surprise, Starr resolved all the disputed facts against the President), and Hyde's ridiculous pop quiz, the Prez and his lawyers made a solid case that the President is not guilty of perjury.

Not guilty. See the "not" there? Hyde didn't see it.

Henry claimed last Wednesday and again this weekend that the President hadn't even argued against this allegation. Hello? Henry? Someone please slap the distinguished gentleman from Illinois with a stalk of Snodgrass to wake him up. Show him the hundreds of pages that have already been sent to him by the Prez and his lawyers, and read them to him if he's got some sort of moral objection to reading anything that's less than X-rated.

Whether Henry & Co. like it or not, the President is one of the most intelligent men we've ever had in the White House, if not the most. You can call him "shrewd" or "cunning" or whatever if you're a Clinton-hater, but the fact remains he didn't buy his Rhodes Scholarship, and (just in case you're also a bigot) there was no affirmative action for idiot hicks when he earned it. He didn't Reagan his way through the testimony without a coherent thought in his head. He knew exactly what he could do and say within the law, and he did it.

So Mr. Hyde's off fishing for a raisson d'lynch mob. Somebody ought to tell him there ain't no fish in this cesspond before he embarrasses us all further.

Fox "News" Network

Pop's satellite dish gave me my first peek at the Rupert Murdoch/Roger Ailes (Rush Limbaugh's former producer) pseudo news network, which featured a remarkable array of right-wing zealots occasionally posing as journalists.

One self-important character apparently believes he is a "factor" in American politics, calling his show "The O'Reilly Factor." I watched him -- I'm not making this up -- arguing with an impeachment scholar and Catholic priest that President Nixon's behavior wasn't any different from President Clinton's. I won't recite the loopy logic he spewed through his Republican sneer, but it's worth noting that the priest smote him mightily.

Of course, I watched Drudge (same Republican sneer, no shave) gloating over his inclusion in one of the Prez's answers to Hyde's 81-point pop quiz. He was talking with one of the blond pundettes from the GOP Blond Pundette Factory (GOPBPF). I wonder if their stock is publicly traded? Production and sales must have gone up 1000% this year alone.

The Clinton-haters' network tagline, "We report. You decide." still has me puzzled, because I didn't see anyone report anything, and everything said was already decided by the aforementioned zealots. But I suppose a more accurate tagline ("We tell you what to think."; "Hate Clinton? We'll give you your own show!"; or "We distort. You imbibe.") would be a tough sell to ultra-right Aussie-turned-'merican Rupert Murdoch. Speaking of which, I'll put a buck down for the first person who 1.) finds out who really took his citizenship test, or 2.) asks him to name the 23rd president on national TV. I've helped prospective citizens study for that test, and it's a bugger! I can't imagine Crocodile TeeVee fitting all that study time into his schedule along with bribing Newt Gingrich and all his other important business.

Two from The Times

So Bob Dole is the President, too? The New York Times ran an article on Tuesday's FEC decision to ask BOTH Clinton and Dole to reimburse some of their federal campaign funds from '96 (Dole: $17 million plus, Clinton $7 million). Can you guess what the "liberal media" called the story? "President urged to return campaign funds."

Impeachment "Crap Game" -- Freudian Slip or Profound Typo?: In an article called "Republicans Tell Leaders to Aim for Quick Vote on Impeachment," this Thursday's NYT quoted a Republican with an inside track on incoming House Speaker Livingston's impeachment plans. The quote: "This is a floating crap game."

Couldn't have said it better m'self. (Note to anonymous insider: the game of chance is called "craps," in case that's what you were trying to say.)

-- Dave Gibbons