A MESSAGE TO THE GOP:
YOU'VE GONE JUST ABOUT FAR ENOUGH... TO HANG YOURSELVES
by Mac MacArthur

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9TH 1997 -- NEW YORK (APJP) -- Today looks promising as it will give Attorney General Janet Reno another chance to make House Government Reform Committee Chair-Cretin Dan "Watermelon Head" Burton look like the whacko he is as she graciously submits to being "interviewed" , en banc, by the nation's top GOP spin-nurses in an incredible show of chutzpah on the part of Burton, a congressman under Justice Department and FBI investigation himself for his alleged felony shakedown of a lobbyist for Pakistan who Burton tried to destroy when he refused to fork over the $5,000 "Chairman Dan" demanded for his re-election campaign.

Burton, a favorite of people who waste hours each day surfing web sites like FreeRepublic.com, and other militant ultra-right organizations, is best known for shooting at watermelons shaped like Vince Foster's head in order to "prove" that Bill and Hillary Clinton "had Foster murdered."

And where is the mainstream media in all this? They're supposed to protect us from lizards like these guys. But no, they're out there fueling the fire.

A strong argument could be made that Burton should check himself into the nearest St. Elizabeth's Hospital annex for voluntary observation and some electro-shock therapy instead of calling the nations Top Cop in a vain attempt to embarrass her over private correspondence with FBI Director Louis Freeh re the non-appointment of an independent counsel over the narrow issue of which room Bill Clinton and Al Gore made their phone calls.

While the mainstream press ignores Burton's psychosis, they instead underscore the GOP party line -- Reno might make a deal with Burton . Well, that may be true, but we think it won't be to "hand over" the memo from Freeh. Neither Freeh nor Reno want to add ammunition to Burton's impending nervous collapse, nor do they want to become pawns in his "get the president" chess tournament.

Like all dangerous wackos, Burton has a certain genius for obscuring the truth about himself and his predicaments. Just how crazy do you have to be to drag a busy and very patient lady in front of a lynch mob -- posing as a Congressional Committee -- and deny her a fully productive work day on behalf of us, the working American people. Although Reno would never contemplate a "pay back" by indicting Burton any quicker for attempted felony extortion of campaign cash, how does "Dan the Dunce" -- as he's known as in the hallways of the House -- know that someone else -- a Reno eager beaver, hidden away in the Justice Department's law library -- isn't, right this minute, writing a sworn complaint on him to take to a federal judge?

Reno was asked this weekend on CBS's Face the Nation, whether she'll give in to the typically highly explosive Burton and hand over a redacted version of Freeh's memo. She said, "We will be discussing all of these issues with the chairman and the committee." To the puppets writing for the mainstream press, this signals she may be "bending" for Burton.

Hah. That will be the day. Maybe she will hand the memo to Burton, but it will probably look like this:

Burton, is so deranged that he's even publicly threatened to hold Reno in contempt of Congress if she doesn't hand over the goods, even though there is absolutely no legal rationale for doing so. Did I say "rationale" -- sorry.

While Burton's "Greatest Show on Earth" is going on in a Capitol Hill hearing room, Reno's staff will be laughing over coffee and donuts at wanna-be movie star Fred Thompson's "demands" that Reno bring criminal perjury charges against "somebody" -- although Thompson hasn't said who's on his yuletide indictment list.

Fred Thompson - doomed to a sound stage forever.

Thompson, who must have been speaking about himself told television political pundits this weekend, "People think that they can waltz up to Congress and say anything that comes to their minds... Until somebody is prosecuted for some of this activity, people are not going to take congressional investigations very seriously in the future."

Yeah, and you'd be a good first target for such and indictment Fred.

To complete the Republican "Circle of Fools" Orrin Hatch - himself just a hair's breadth away from indictment in the recent past --called on Louis Freeh to sort of clone himself and the FBI in order to carry on "duplicate investigations" to the ones they are currently doing for Reno. Maybe Hatch should enter the "booby" with Burton. At least they'd have company in the padded room.

Hatch is so frustrated by his own stupidity that he continually steps on himself. This time, he's actually suggesting that Freeh carry on an "independent investigation" of something he's already investigating.

That makes sense. Jeez, I'm actually getting frightened to live in a country that has guys like Hatch running things. What do you think?

American voters, lulled into unconsciousness by the likes of ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN are asleep at the wheel as usual. They actually believe that Burton, Hatch and Thompson are more intelligent than the Three Stooges.

The problem for the Administration is how do you deal with complete insanity. Like a psychiatrist trying to conduct an intelleligent conversation with a group of delusional psychotics, Bill Clinton must be throwing up his hands -- baffled as to what to do. I mean, how do you answer a lunatic? It's not easy, and there may lie the basic problem and the underlying strategy of whoever it is at RNC Headquarters who actually has a fully functioning but outlandish brain.

Someone over there on "D" and First Streets has a mind. I can just see it now -- a meeting of Republican strategists over brunch at the Capitol Hill Club. Three silver-haired men wearing expensive, but garish, Brioni suits picking at the watercress...

The Scene - A private dining room at the posh Republican National Committee Headquarters' Capitol Hill Club. It's 10:30 AM, Monday, December 8th, 1997:

OFFICIAL MINUTES OF THE RNC PUBLIC POLICY STEERING COMMITTEE

Okay, what's our strategy for this week? What's up Leo?

Well, I spoke to Burton's staff. They say that Dan will say that Reno was definitely a member of the Young Lesbian Communist League in Cuba, even though she's never been there. It will take the New York Times at least a month to find that out. Meantime the militias in Idaho will stream into Washington to demonstrate -- thousands of them on tractors and tanks in front of the Justice Department with banners, sirens -- the works -- calling for her head. I've got someone from the X-Files working on a Reno Mask that makes her look like Nikita Khrushchev and we'll hand out thousands of them. Dick Scaife is picking up the tab and Grover Norquist is the "King of the Parade." Linda DiVol will be "Float Queen"

At the same time, six thousand disabled veterans are marching on Arlington carrying shovels to dig up Lawrence. That'll keep McCurry busy. And Fred Thompson has agreed to do an improvisational role as "The Captain" of Lawrence's supposed Merchant Marine ship on a stage we're building at Arlington- complete with a 65,000 gallon tank which will be filled with sea water and ice bergs to make it look more real. Thompson said he'd bring that hot number Kelly Anne Fitzpatrick with him to handle the lighting. He's also getting Nancy Reagan to play a lifeboat drill captain. Wait 'til you see the script! It calls for more than 300 extras to drown in the frigid arctic while Lawrence sits smug in his college dorm room smoking pot. Ha, ha, ha. And then the whole thing will be capped off with a bonfire where Lawrence's "body" will be burned in effigy after the " 'Jesus Saves' Ribs and Beans Barbecue" hosted by the Christian Coalition Wives.

What do you have Bob?

Well, we're working on kidnapping Pauline Kanchanalak, Charlie Trie and John Huang along with those Buddha-head nuns in Los Angeles. We're gonna fly them to Washington and put those chinks in stocks in front of the White House...you know -- in that park. We'll claim Gordon Liddy did it. Sure, they'll release 'em right away, but then someone at Langley will arrest Kanchanalak and Trie on the spot --- for espionage. It'll be great. Pat Buchanan says his sister Bay can hold off the Capitol Police for at least a half-hour by dancing a jig on Pennsylvania Avenue near the White House East Gate and Elizabeth Dole gonna set up an emergency blood bank on the other corner to further confuse them while we set up.

How bout you Percy?

I've got the best ever. You know how Orrin Hatch has a new album of Christian music out? Well, he has agreed to host a "Clinton Lynching" at the MCI arena. He's gonna have a 600 piece orchestra along with that faggot-bashing broad Anita Bryant and any other movie-star conservatives he can find. They're gonna sing all his original gospel music and then accompany a kind of pageant we'll be staging. Of course, we're not gonna really lynch Clinton, but those guys at DreamWorks are building two robots that look exactly like Clinton and Ellen Degenerates. Hatch is going to stage a kind of "Passion Play," where Clinton, after brutally divorcing Hillary, and Degenerates cross the plains into Utah looking for the "promised land." But they get hung up at an Indian Gaming Casino in Nevada where Clinton gets hooked on morphine or something and keeps shacking up with those change girls...you know -- the ones who work the aisles at the slots. Degenerates, meantime is over at the local Catholic Junior High trying to make it with 12 year old Christian girls, who of course don't succumb, but do go insane from the pressure and start chain smoking Marlboros. Anyway, in the play, even the citizens of Las Vegas see what a slimeball Clinton is and they all simultaneously have an out-of-body "experience" and find themselves sitting at the right hand of God himself. Anyway, God - played by Bob Dole, tells them that Clinton is Satan and they must kill him and Degenerates -- who is carrying his "incubus." Well, they all come back to earth and start combing the nightclubs and YWCA's for Clinton and Degenerates. You know the scene, torches, screams in the night - the whole megillah. They find them both in about ten minutes and string 'em up on top of the Luxor Hotel. Arlen Specter's wife is gonna donate pies that the crowd will throw at them just before they're hung. I'll tell ya , I wanna be there for that!

Okay, sounds great. And one more - how you doin' Gus?

Jeez. I guess my plan is nothing compared to yours.

Well, I got together with Haley Barbour and Newt. They've got a guy in Louisiana that manufactures sex toys. We've formed a Cayman corporation called "Hillary's Hot Toy Chest." Under that name, we're gonna register all the stock in that company to Vince Foster's widow, Sheila Lawrence, and Harold Ickes. Well, we've really already got that accomplished. Then we're going to launch their new product line, which includes stuff like blow up dolls that look exactly like the First Lady and Paula Jones. We'll also sell "Statue of Liberty" and "Washington Monument" vibrators, and other stuff like that. The launch party itself will take place around a huge booth at the Christian Coalition conference in Atlanta. Ralph Reed arranged that for us. And the Promise Keepers are gonna provide the security. Well, when those people see that stuff at their conference - all hell's gonna break loose. That'll keep the media focused on those sleazebags.

Gee, I don't know. Sex toys? Isn't that going a bit too far? Let's vote on that.

The vote is four to one in favor. The ayes carry.

Heck. Okay, well I guess we go with it then. But don't blame me when Bob Woodward finds out.

Oh yeah, there's one more thing. Guys like Hank Hyde, Bill Paxon and some other's from the "pinko" wing of the Party say they want out of this. We're moving on them now.

Good. Good. Good. Good.

Okay, meeting adjourned.

Sure, sheer fantasy, but let me tell ya, what's going on in the Republican led Congress is not that much removed.

Look what's happened already. The GOP has the world convinced or at least super-suspicious that Bill and Hillary Clinton are tied to the mob, have secret bank accounts gleaned from phony Whitewater loans, and conspired together to kill one of their best friends. They have Wolf Blitzer crying over the graves of dead heroes at Arlington and pretending that Larry Lawrence was the devil incarnate and actually set out to buy his grave from Clinton. Added to that, the President is seen by the unthinking as a two-bit hustler who picks up pigs at government conferences, shakes down American Indians for money, and is in cahoots with the Red Chinese to take over the world. They have a grieving widow almost apoplectic in her weeds, flying out to her husband's grave to remove him to other digs. They've taken one the most highly respectable attorneys in the country and made her an object of ridicule. They've ruined the life of Dick Morris because he was "weak," and flimflammed the world with a series of "hearings" that are more akin to a tea party for Himmler than a serious look at campaign finance. And who did this? A group of mediocre-at-best House members and Senators who were laughingstocks when they began and will be laughingstocks when this is over.

And they've done it, all of it, in the name of "Family Values."

And have you noticed something. Democrats have sat on their "information" and "evidence" on Republicans. They prefer to do it the right way. The GOP is in for some wake up calls of their own. I guarantee it.

So don't tell me my Capitol Hill Club scenario is absurd.

It isn't.

If Americans don't wake up to the Hitlerian propaganda machine that is the Republican Party today, all hell really will break loose. Someday soon, Democrat and Republican voters are going to get "fed up to here" with this circus and invite every incumbent Republican responsible for this circus to take a hike.

I want to be around, but I won't pick up the pieces.

And that's the way it is.

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