American Politics Journal -- The Uninspiring Judiciary Committee

The Uninspiring Judiciary Committee
If you had to select the best people on the Hill, you wouldn't choose many of these!
By Mac MacArthur

Wednesday, December 9, 1998 -- NEW YORK (APJP) -- Meet the uninspiring House Judiciary Committee of the 106th Congress of the United States:

	Chairman: Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Illinois) is the chairman of the House Judiciary Committee since 1994, Hyde, 74, is the oldest admitted adulterer on the Judiciary Committee. He was first elected to Congress by his suburban Chicago district in 1974, but had he told the voters the truth about his affair -- and the resulting damage it did to the marriage of the woman with whom he was involved -- they would have never elected him. Hyde has a finely honed image of being honest and intelligent. However, the truth is that Hyde played a pivotal role in covering up and minimizing the lies told by Oliver North and Ronald Reagan in the Iran-Contra scandal.
	Ranking Minority Member: Rep. John Conyers (D-Michigan), 69, has the honor to head up the Democrat minority on the Committee. Too bad. He is totally wrong for the job. However, he is one of the most effective members of Congress and we are proud to have him leading the fight against the lynch mob.

	The Republicans
	Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin), 55, is the second ranking majority member on the panel. Sensenbrenner pretends to be full of integrity and wisdom. However, his real role is to rein in moderate Republicans who think Hyde is insane and cover Hyde's duties when the Chairman needs to take a nap.
	Rep. Bill McCollum (R-Florida), 54, is in the back pocket of the Disney Corporation. Disneyland is in his District -- and he is known as the "Butt-Boy for the Mouse." McCollum is also owned by the gun lobby. Get this: he led the fight against the Brady Bill against the wishes of the Reagans. Whudda guy!
	Rep. George Gekas (R-Pennsylvania), represents a region of Pennsylvania that no one ever visits except for other politicians who hold court in Harrisburg. Gekas, 68 often loses his temper, but otherwise has to be affable -- with a name like Gekas, what else can he do?
	Rep. Howard Coble (R-North Carolina) -- what can we say about his, except that he actually wears that hat and is a sure bet to replace the likes of Strom Thurmond as he gets even older. Coble is known to puff on a corn cob pipe while luring catfish into his office.
	Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas) was a failed attorney until he began to suck at the public trough in 1984. He is known as the loudmouthed pest from San Antonio and fights against immigration, supporting initiatives that are especially cruel to Mexican-Americans. For his trouble he chairs the Judiciary's Subcommittee on Immigration and Claims.
	Rep. Elton Gallegly (R-California) represents Los Angeles' armpit, Simi Valley -- which is mostly populated by cops from LAPD -- where he previously served as mayor. Gallegly is a college dropout -- which shows; he also made his reputation on the backs of immigrants.
	Rep. Charles Canady (R-Florida) is a danger to life as we know it. The effeminate Canady has been in Congress since 1992 and quickly clawed his way into the Republican leadership. He is a simp from Lakeland Florida -- known as "The Swamp." He made his reputation as a foe of abortion and champion of praying.
	Few men on the Committee are as stupid as Rep. Bob Inglis (R-South Carolina), a vindictive little twerp who was a favorite target of schoolyard bullies. People in Greenville now know him as the biggest loser in South Carolina. His ego is so big that he actually ran for the Senate -- and lost big time. He is spending his last days in Congress trying to get vengeance on Bill Clinton for helping his victorious opposition. His claim to fame: being the first to ask the President to resign.
	Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Virginia) -- called "Good-Bleat" by Democrat staff -- was elected to the House in 1992. He is essentially a hick and comes from one of the only bleak, mountainous sections of Virginia.
	Rep. Steve Buyer (R-Indiana) -- this guy is really weird. He pronounces his name "boo-yuhr" and was first elected to the House in 1992. The biggest things he has ever done are sit around in Desert Storm and prosecute African-Americans in Indiana.
	Rep. Ed Bryant (R-Tennessee) is a dangerous two-term house member who taught law at West Point. That's about all he's ever done. He is a mean-spirited man with little patience for warm beer.
	Rep. Steve Chabot (R-Ohio) has a big problem -- his hair. He is 45, and one of those guys who tries to cover his baldness by letting it grow two feet long on one side and then spraying it with Ultra Hold after combing it over his pate. He wants to shrink the size of government -- as long as it doesn't affect his salary. He will be defeated next time out, as he hails from a Democrat District which was foolish enough to elect him in the first place.
	Rep. Bob Barr (R-Georgia) -- what can you say about Bob Barr other than "He should be committed?" This Neo-Nazi thug was the first to call for the President's impeachment. He is two-termer and could lose his seat when voters find out about his three divorces and the details thereof. It's easy to believe that Barr was a prosecutor and an "analyst" for the CIA -- in fact, he was most likely in charge of not knowing that the Soviet Union was about to disintegrate!
	Rep. William Jenkins (R-Tennessee), a genuine lightweight, has but one claim to fame: he served as a second lieutenant in the U.S. Army Military Police Corps. We understand.
	Rep. Asa Hutchinson (R-Arkansas) actually has a brain. He was a friend of the President -- sort of like Linda Tripp was a friend of Monica Lewinsky. Then Hutchinson, out of "friendship," decided to prosecute Roger Clinton -- the President's brother who was hooked on drugs. What a guy!
	Rep. Ed Pease (R-Indiana) Pease lives in Seelyville, Indiana. He's a nice guy. Too nice. Some suspect that he is one of the members who will be outed by Larry Flynt next month in Hustler Magazine.
	Rep. Christopher Cannon (R-Utah) has little going for him. At least hates the IRS. He wants to reform it -- by eliminating it. Look at his ears and you will know just how terrible his teen years were.
	Rep. James Rogan (R-California) represents one of the most disgusting parts of suburban Los Angeles, the smog capital of the planet and home to people dumb enough to vote for him: white people who are poor. His district is made up of Democrat immigrants and poor white trash who identify with the Republican party and want to be rich, but are too preoccupied guzzling their Coors to get a job.
	Rep. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) is an okay guy -- he seems to be struggling mightily with his role as "thoughtful" impeacher. He is a real religious freak and loves the Christian Coalition and GOPAC. Watch for him to leave the house in disgust one day soon.
	Rep. Mary Bono (R-California) is, sadly, the least intelligent member of the Judiciary Committee. The only reason she holds office is that her husband Sonny Bono skied into a tree and killed himself tragically. Bono is a suck-up to Republican mothers who think their children are being "corrupted" by Bill Clinton. We wish Cher had still been married to Sonny on his demise -- now SHE would have been something in Congress!

	Democrats (in order of seniority)
	Rep. Barney Frank (D-Massachusetts) is gay. Many GOPers in Congress dislike him intensely for this reason alone. He is the committee's second ranking Democrat and quick as a fox. He is a 9-term member and was censured himself for his action on behalf of a male prostitute. It's a shame that Frank is the brightest Democrat on the panel because he carries so much baggage -- but give the man credit, because he does it proudly and with dignity.
	Rep. Charles Schumer (D-New York) is the Senator-Elect from New York. He contributes little to the Clinton cause and sounds like a Mafia Don. He replaces Alphonse D'Amato who some say WAS a Mafia Don!
	Rep. Howard Berman (D-California) is the head of the powerful Democrat Waxman-Berman machine which has terrorized Democrat candidates in Los Angeles since the 1970's. Berman, who is quite bright, has done little to help the President.
	Rep. Rick Boucher (D-Virginia), 52, defends Bill Clinton by reading prepared five minute speeches -- which means he is actually incapable of defending himself, let alone the President.
	Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-New York), known as "Jerry," is 51, but has a 72-inch waist. He is known as "The Pillsbury Doughboy" among Republican staffers. He is known as "Bob's Big Boy" among his own staff. But don't let the names fool you -- Nadler is the most effective defender of the President on the Judiciary Committee, and should be invited to the White House if they can find a dining room chair big and strong enough to hold him.
	Rep. Robert Scott (D-Virginia) was elected in 1992 and all we can say about him is "Boring!" He tries to be an intellectual. Bad move. He is totally ineffectual on behalf of Clinton.
	Rep. Melvin Watt (D-North Carolina) -- how Mel got through Yale Law School is a mystery to us. He seems to be in a constant dream state. He defends the President... poorly.
	Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-California) is the only true rising star in the Democratic Party. She is articulate and the most formidable opponent of the ultra right. Watch Lofgren for clues as to where the impeachment train will end up. We pick Zoe to replace Dianne Feinstein in the Senate when Feinstein finally croaks.
	Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) is kind of like that woman in your philosophy class who drove you up the wall. Her constant use of big words which she cannot quite pronounce is more annoying than chalk on a blackboard. An example: she calls "quashing" a subpoena "squashing" a subpoena -- and does it over and over, while the rest of the Committee laughs. But don't get us wrong -- she is an ardent defender of Bill Clinton and a wonderful lady.
	Rep. Maxine Waters (D-California) is one of the toughest politicians out of L.A. -- East L.A.! But Maxine is over her head in the Judiciary Committee. She tries hard to defend the President, but would be better off keeping her mouth shut before putting her brain in gear. She spent most of the first day of the President's defense reading about the lies that Adulterer Hyde covered up on behalf of Oliver North and Reagan.
	Rep. Marty Meehan (D-Massachusetts) is 41 and fairly well-spoken. He asks solid, probing questions of the lynch mob and witnesses, and is a reliable friend to the President.
	Rep. William Delahunt (D-Massachusetts) is a first-termer and a so-so defender of the President. Not too bright, but trying.
	Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Florida) appears on television defending the President more often than Rush Limbaugh has vomited to prevent himself from exploding! Wexler is the most vocal defender of the President -- and often the loudest -- but sadly lacks the clout to do much about it.
	Rep. Steven Rothman (D-New Jersey), 45, is a former Bergen County Surrogate Court justice. He lives in Fairlawn, NJ. He is a pseudointellectual and totally ineffectual on the President's behalf.
	Rep. Thomas Barrett (D-Wisconsin) is just a plain nice guy, and one of our favorite members of the committee. He asks good questions, but lacks the zeal needed to come across as an aggressive defender of the President.