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The Washington Post
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by The Editors
Spam and Cocky's Parade of GOP Losers-to-be
Spam and Cocky looked at the Cuban boy caught in the crossfire of stupid adults arguing over a child in international theatres. Spam said he worries that Russia will storm the capitol of Chechnya -- as if he cares. Wouldn't we storm Mexico City if they were terrorizing Texas? ABC had their correspondent in Cuba -- who reported that everything is pretty normal in Cuba -- a U.S. boys' baseball team is playing theirs, and so on, and so on, yawn. So the huge demonstrations orchestrated by Fidel -- are just that. Phony.
ABC's correspondent from Russia talked of the merciless bombardment of Chechnya.
Their first guest was an administration heavyweight -- National Security Advisor Samuel Berger. We mean that literally -- Sandy's getting fatter every day.
Sandy said he thinks that Yeltsin's comments about his nuclear forces was nothing but bravado. Gee, surprise, surprise. Cocky wanted to know if we will economically sanction the Ruskies. Berger said, in way too many words, that we won't do that, but we should maintain the "pressure" on Russia. Russia has backed away from Grozny, and Yeltsin is only drinking ONE case of vodka a day.
George Swill wanted to know what the "very heavy price" Russia will pay is -- a quote from President Clinton. Berger said that Russia has a right to defend its territory and go after terrorists -- but they don't have a right to use indiscriminate force that is killing civilians.
Swill then turned to the Cuban kid. "How can it be the best thing for this boy to grow up under Communism?" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- well, if he's happy doing that, then why not? Berger rightfully said that what we are concerned about is the rule of law -- and following it. Swill kept it up -- saying Cuba is a police state. "How can the father speak without being coerced?" he asked.
Yeah -- as if Swill knows whether the father is being tortured to say what Castro wants -- or, more believably, that the father loves and misses his son. Why on earth would he want to be separated from his little boy -- even if he WOULD rather live in the U.S. Himself?
Swill is a moron and politicizes everything -- even this.
Then Spam went on to gays -- his favorite subject of late -- and the issue of their serving in the military. Berger phumphfed around. Spam said, "The President seems to be blaming military leaders for the failure of his don't-ask don't-tell policy." Berger said that the rules were not implemented the proper way and sometimes in a manner contrary to the intent of the White House.
Cocky fretted about the terrorism threats around the holidays. Berger said there are plans for terrorist actions around the world. If Americans are traveling abroad -- be careful. Check with you consulate. "This is a caution sign -- not a stop sign."
Spam had Orrin Hatch on next -- a guy polling less than one percent nationwide. What a waste of time -- although we love Orrin. He's such a huggable crook, and he did treat Clinton more fairly than most during the Impeachment "floor show."
Hatch came on to bash Bush -- which he should. Orrin said he thinks Bush doesn't have enough experience. We think Bush is just plain dumb.
"If you want to beat Gore or Bradley, you better go with someone with experience -- Orrin Hatch," he said. Hatch said that he would revoke the Kyoto Accords (the world environmental treaty) because they will costs the average American family $30,000 over a lifetime. He would"reaffirm our sovereignty" and fight terrorism. He would also revoke some presidential directives that go against the separation of powers.
Then Spam hit Hatch on the Schering Plough "free jet" trips he is taking. But Hatch came back with a statement that he was the one who got the generic drug laws passed! He said that he cannot afford to buy his own plane like Bush -- or fly around on Air Force Two. And Hatch is not breaking any rules doing this. Hatch said that he can fly on a jet supplied by a company which has a multi-billion-dollar bill before his committee (to extend the Claritin patents).
Hatch told Spam that he was being unfair at least three times -- but Spam uncharacteristically came out ahead on this on!
At one point, Berger had also gotten pissed off at Spam -- who has the tolerance of a 90-year-old Alzheimer's patient locked down in a mental hospital. At one point Berger had snapped, "Are you gonna let me answer the question, Sam?" Spam just laughed and said, "Okay."
Here's an idea -- maybe Spam can join Ronnie and his fish tank in Century Towers.
Cocky had another loser on -- Alan Keyes, the oxymoronic "Black Republican." Where Keyes has gone wrong is that he has not changed parties and become a Democrat or a Reform Party member.
First, Keyes attacked Bush for putting a "Happy Face" on the problems of this nation. Cokie -- unbelievably -- then asked him, "So you are not supporting him?" Keyes said,"What kind of question is that?"
We'll tell you, Alan -- a stupid question from a moronic pundit on the bottom-of-the-barel Sunday pundit show. And Cocky, why would he support Bush? He is running against him!
Then the imbecilic Keyes blew it by saying that we must trust God, not the government. Swill -- a paid Bush defender in our opinion -- said isn't there some room for optimism? Keyes said that we cannot solve the problem if we don't admit we have a problem. "The wrong moral road is costing lives in this country."
Swill wanted to know 3 things that Keyes would do.
First, Keyes wants a Human Life Amendment to the constitution. Second, he said "we need to return the control of our schools to parents" (sure, including crackheads, drunks, batterers and neurotic morons who make up quite a slice of American parental life and don't have clue one about what it takes to educate kids in the age of electronic media). Third, Keyes would abolish the income tax. Swill said, "Well, if the country is so morally poor, how can they run the country?" Swill then kept saying, "It's us -- us, isn't it?" In his most snide manner -- because Keyes attacked the press for not covering him. Well, why should they? He's nothing but a snake oil salesman -- although we do like the idea of abolishing the income tax.
But we warn you -- if that happens, you'll be paying 20% of your income for Federal property and sales taxes! You gotta pay the piper.
Keyes is well-spoken and articulate because he practices his sound bites in front of mirror. But, in the end., he's a stupid man.
Spam then welcomed a THIRD loser -- Gary "Satan on Earth" Bauer.
Bauer claimed the debates have proven that Bush is an idiot and is immoral (in other, more veiled words, of course). Swill said, "Aren't you tiptoeing around the issue?... The question is, 'Is George Bush Dumb?'" What a riot! But Bauer did not take the bait. He moved to -- surprise! (not!!) -- abortion. It is wrong, he said, to deny 1.5 million children the right to life. My supreme court judges will be pro-life! Ha, ha, ha -- your judges. Sure. Maybe at a local cat show.
Swill asked Bauer whether he could think of ANY state which would outlaw first trimester abortions? Bauer, stupidly, said that 95% of states would stop abortions. He claimed that the Declaration of Independence defines the nation. Bauer is looking thin and his eyes seem to be covered with new contact lenses that hide that "Alien Aqua" color. All of a sudden -- his eyes are BROWN!!
Cocky asked how Bauer can say that the Christian Right supports Bush -- how does he explain that? Bauer said Pat Robertson is playing an inside game. Bauer said the Bush campaign has collapsed in New Hampshire -- and will in Iowa.
Then Spam and Cocky started their roundtable of hate by turning on gay Americanss by "discussing" Hillary and Bill's "switch" on don't ask-don't tell. Swill said "the military are a killing machine," implying that gays cannot be killing machines. Anyone hanging around in Greenwich Village knows this isn't true. Now they go into the Saint Patrick's Day Parade in New York. Swill -- a gay basher from way back -- said THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MARCH -- THEY JUST CANNOT CARRY SIGNS PROMOTING THEIR AGENDAS. That, readers, is a lie.
Bill Kristol said that the voters decided to pay attention to this race and said to themselves that George Bush is an idiot. Spam thinks Bush is "smart with a good mind," but not as smart as Clinton. Cocky then goes on to defend REAGAN, of all people. Staphylococcus said that Bush must fight back tomorrow night. Swill said that we are seeing a 21st-Century love affair -- the media and John McCain. Spam said that Swill is a moron -- we've never been able to do that before. Swill said -- you won't be able to do that. Spam laughed nervously, when he should simply spit in Swill's little donkey face. Kristol -- the smartest man on television in this genre -- is so intellectually superior to these jerks that one should merely listen to what he said and tune Spam, Cocky, Swill and Staph out.
Kristol said that Iowa is very important. If Bush blows it there....
Then they brought up Bradley's heart. They hardly talked about it. Good.
Bush will use the joint appearance between McCain and Barkley on campaign finance as a hatchet against him, said Kristol.
That was it.
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