Contact Information for Pundit String-Pullers The New York Times The Washington Post ABC News Robert Iger ABC Radio Networks NBC CBS Westwood One |
by The Editors
The McLaugh-In Group
Crazy John Goes on China-Bashing Tirade
Issue One: John has gone looney over the Panama Canal! A video clip of simpleton Congressman Dana Rohrbaher claiming that China would "run" the canal preceded John's ominous view of the canal's future and fears "the prized canal will fall into Chinese hands" with two ports franchised to a Hong Kong company. John then quoted Cap "Bring Back the Cold War" Whine-berger -- who is a marginal figure in today's world at best.
And even John had to admit that Clinton and supporters of the turnover have a number of points on their side. Then John took a Clinton quote out of context and falsely claimed that Clinton said that the Chinese would run the canal! Right-wing goofball Michael Barone implied that Clinton was "defending" the Chinese -- then undercut John by saying that the canal is no longer an economic or military necessity as he bashed Clinton for corruption. Eleanor "Beaky Buzzard" Clift called the Chinese "takeover" scenario "bogus.... Why would [China] want to sabotage a Panamanian canal?" Tony "The Hutt" Blankley said any "disruption" would be of short- to medium-term duration -- then said fifties Cold War buzzword "Chicoms." Hey, Tony, the Korean war is over, if you haven't noticed! Moderate doofus Larry O'Donnell said something unimportant.
John then shifted back into "ominous" mode, discussing Chinese "expansion." But he undermined his own argument by saying that ythe head of the Chinese company, Hutchinson Wampoa, is a big-time capitalist! John then asked about "appeasing" China vis-a-vis the canal. Tony said that "we are being incautious... they are not a strategic ally." Eleanor retorted that a "small cabal" of GOPers are spinning this story wa out of proportion. Barone praised John's "legitimate points," as John talked about Hutchinson Wampoa's ties to Cosco, whose containers could hide tanks! Horrors! Larry O'Donnell derided the notion of a sneak military attack. Barone claimed that suddenly Panamanians want Americans to stay. Eleanor: "Maybe you'll get your war, Michael!" There was mindless speculation about "ties" between the container and port company.
Good grief. John's insanity must be contagious -- only Larry and Tony sounded sane.
John called for public hearings, Larry said it was ridiculous. John called for blocking the "Hutchinson Wampoa takeover" and congressional hearings -- essentially making him the number one advocate of a new Cold War.
Issue two: Elian Gonzalez. John recounted the details of the Cuban boy's story -- and implied that Castro may "take hostages" from Americans in Cuba. Larry talked about the politicization of every Cuban immigration case in Florida -- and Gore having to kowtow to hard-line anti-Castro Cuban-Americans. Barone talked about totalitarian Cuba (no argument here -- Castro's a fascist in commie clothing). Eleanor bashed "family values" mavens now supporting the breaking of familial bonds -- but Tony pointed out that the parents were divorced and Gonzalez daddy only had custody on weekends!
Issue three: reversal of fortunes in the presidential race -- do polls placing McCain and Bradley in the lead forecast New Hampshire's results? Larry and Barone say yes, Eleanor pointed out that if one or both loses, their campaigns are essentially over.
On the Gonzalez matter, Larry, Eleanor and John say that Elian will go back to Cuba!
Predictions (yawn)... Barone said San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown would be reelected "by a shockingly close margin"... Eleanor predicted Hillary " will draw much closer to Rudy Giuliani" in upcoming polls... Tony predicted Gore's " increasing demagoguery against Bradley" will be an issue... Larry said that Bradley will not entertain John McCain as a running mate, but will for his Cabinet... John forecast successful "rapprochement" between Israel and Syria, with Israel ceding territory.
Copyright © 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, American Politics Journal Publications. All rights reserved. ISSN No. 1523-1690