Republicans Make Lousy Lovers!

Doc's DIS-patch:
Republicans Make Lousy Lovers!
by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Women prefer to be Democrats 10 to 1!
The Doc meditates on the GOP obsession with women... a legendary press conference... a startling epiphany... Nixon talking to portraits... Newt in love... and the birth of Poll Dis!

December 16, 1997 --- New York (APJP) -- Paulagate.

Troopergate.

Bimbogate.

Flowersgate.

I finally figured it out.

We've heard nothing but sleazy, uncorroborated rumors about the alleged "extracurricular activities" of our Commander-in-Chief for over five years now. If you believed half the hokum, Bill Clinton's the White House equivalent of an Iron-Man Triathlete and the Energizer Bunny, doin' the ol' biiiig nasty with a nonstop bevy of Beltway bimbos in the Lincoln Bedroom, White House Kitchen Cupboard, assorted rooms in the Watergate Hotel - probably including the ones personally bugged by G. Gordon Liddy - and $500-a-night hotel suites around the world with every spare minute he ha, as if he has any.

The whole ball of wax started at that press conference about five and a half years ago that paragon of journalistic erudition The National Inquirer threw to promote their "exclusive" article featuring revelations by Gennifer Flowers that she had "had an affair" with then-Governor Clinton. The only intelligent questions were asked by the notorious "Stuttering" John Melendez from The Howard Stern Show. His first question went unheard on the dais - "Gennifer, did you and Bill Clinton ever have a threesome with another governor?" - but they sure heard his second question:

SJ: Miss F-F-Flowers, did G-Governor Clinton use a condom?

(At this point, members of the legitimate press were laughing out loud at the absurd scene - nobody was taking Flowers seriously anyway because she refused to be forthcoming with any details above and beyond the what was in the Inquirer story.)

Flowers spokesperson: I refuse to answer that question

SJ: I h-h-have a follow up question (still laughter from the press)... do you plan on sleeping with any other Presidential candidates?

(An absolute riot of laughter; you almost couldn't hear...)

Flowers Spokesman: Can we move on to the next question?...

This hilarious and surreal scene says it all.

But five-plus years later, right wingnuts continue to spew this stream of completely irrelevant idiocy - troopers, Paula, the works. They don't get that most Americans don't believe it and just don't care.

And they're so thick that they never, ever figured out that there is a flip side to the equation: if Yaddayaddayaddagate were for real, then one can only conclude that thousands of smart, connected and sexy chicks want Bill. Reeeeeally want to "lobby" the Leader of the Free World one-on-one.

You never heard these salacious tales during the Bush or Reagan regimes.

And for one simple, obvious reason. A reason the ladies know darn well already. A reason that makes the entire GOP jealous of Bill:

Republicans make lousy lovers!

Think about it...

Rewind to 1960. The Kennedy-Nixon debates. The former telegenic, warm, charismatic, driving the babes wild; the latter swathed in 5:00 shadow and dour visage. Scandalmongers like Seymour Hersh repeat ad nauseam that Kennedy liked women, to put it mildly - while forgetting that there are a lot less Kennedys that love women than women who go ape-gaga for Kennedys.

They still do.

Fast forward to 1969. The previous year of hell had also given birth to a Free Love counterculture - which bit the dust over the next five years, no doubt because having to look at Nixon's smiling face every night on the network news of your choice. If anything could induce a fast and dirty kibosh on an entire nation's libido, it was Tricky's puss. No wonder the divorce rate skyrocketed! No wonder drugs became a substitute for sex! Nixon was a fighter, not a lover!

The Doc feels that that great forum for cultural and political criticism, Saturday Night Live, summed it up best in what is probably the funniest and most accurate sketch they ever ran: Dan Aykroyd as Tricky the night before his resignation, talking to the Kennedy portrait. "and you... Jack Kennedy... you always LOOKED SO GOOD... and having SEX... with all those women inside these four walls... well, believe me, pal, that NEVER happened with Dick Nixon. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER..."

Reagan, like Kennedy, may have been telegenic, but The Doc believes that The Great Napper's days as a red-hot lover probably ended around the time of the Spanish-American War. And I've always felt there was some sort of libido-limited subliminal subtext to that idiot mantra "Just say no." And his successor, George Bush, will forever be remembered by yours truly as (in the words of a Reagan aide) "a Yalie, a preppie, a sissy." Whudda hunk... NOT.

And then there's Newt. He's a lover, all right... and God help the woman who gets in the way of his close personal relationship with himself! I bet he requires his girlfriends...er, I mean, his wife to begin each "session" with the words "I yield to the Speaker." One of Newt's greater documented moments of love was when he literally dropped divorce papers on the bed of his former wife as she lay in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery.

And you wonder why there's a "gender gap." It's the Lousy Lover Gap, stupid!

Having reached an epiphany of such profundity, The Doc decided to do exactly the same thing an officeholder would do to prove his point: commission a poll.

Unlike Jon Katz, I could not afford the services of Frank Luntz. Unlike Fred Thompson, I couldn't afford dinner and a movie with Kellyanne Fitzpatrick. These options actually presented an interesting opportunity of which I decided to partake: I formed my own polling company.

In the scholarly and serious spirit of this column, I've decided to name the organization "Poll Dis!"

The first Poll Dis! poll concerns the attitude of women towards Republicans as lovers. Now, as we all know, it's crucial that a credible, neutral poll contain unbiased, carefully structured and properly worded and sequenced questions in order not to show any bias.

Now, Frank and Kellyanne would never tolerate such an approach, so neither did I.

My first step was to select a segment of the female population. Having seen the funny, caustic movie "Breast Men" on HBO this weekend, in which a doctor approaches women on the street asking them in so many words if they might be interested in a silicone beef-up, and being rebuffed with everything from a dirty look to screams of "Pervert!" it occurred to me that cold-calling would probably not be such a great idea.

Better to stick to women I know.

The Doc has been spoken for some time, but has maintained his friendships with a bevy of discriminating, intelligent women, so he nostalgically pulled his old Little Black Book out of his desk and selected about half a dozen women whose integrity is unimpeachable.

He also selected a few of the more savvy, open-minded women at his day job whom he knew, given the subject matter, wouldn't accuse him of sexual harassment or untoward polling-on-the-job.

For a little variety, The Doc also threw in a few acquaintances on the Internet: a couple ladies who troll the crazier political Usenet newsgroups like alt.conspiracy.clinton.killed.kennedy and rec.rush.is.a.big.fat.idiot, poking fun at right-wing wackos.

Now, it's important for a pollster to ascertain data on the demographic makeup of the population segment in question, but because The Doc is still a bit of an old-fashioned male chauvinist he did not ask any of the women their age. And he skipped issues of income because... well, it's only money.

In all, twelve lovely ladies gave generously of their valuable time to answer The Doc's incisive questions, and the results will no doubt shock, surprise and thrill you.

So, it is with great pride that I present the results of the first Poll Dis! Survey on Republicans as Lovers.

More than 83% of our women are Democrats

Question 1: What is your political affiliation: Democrat, Independent, Republican or Other (please specify)? Ten women (83.3%) identified themselves as Democrats, one (8.3%) as an Independent, and one (8.3%) as a Republican. Note how this contrasts with men, who break down at approximately 24% Dem / 21% Indy / 31% GOP / 7% Other / 17% Haven't Figured It Out Yet, according to one recent poll. I guess this shows that women are more intelligent than men; my girlfriend Krysztyna keeps saying so, and now she has the numbers to prove it. Thanks for nothing, ladies...

Our women want to meet pols, but just over 8% can!

Question 2: Have you ever been romantically involved with a politician? One woman responded yes... she even supplied the sordid details. He was a Republican aide to a New York State politician. "It didn't last... he was a lousy lover." YES!!! The other eleven had never dated a politician... at least as far as they knew.

Only one respondee found that "Kemp is a real stud muffin"

Question 3: Have you ever entertained erotic fantasies about Republican politicians, pollsters, pundits or philanthropists? One actually had; she elaborated that "that Kemp is a real stud-muffin." Even I'll cut her some slack - Kemp's one conservative even I like. The other eleven replies ranged from "God, no" to "What do you think I am, sick?"

100% of our women think Paula Jones has something to hide

Question 4: True or false --- Just the fact that Paula Jones has Susan Carpenter MacMillan doing all the talking for her makes me think Paula has something to hide. All twelve women replied true --- even the Republican. Her observation: "Trailer trash like Jones is bringing down our party." See that - there are smart Republicans! I'll bet most are women.

83.3% of our women think Gennifer Flowers should have answered Stuttering John.

Question 5: True or false --- Gennifer Flowers should have answered Stuttering John's probing questions. Ten said yes. Two said no; one of them elaborated "She should have gone on Imus instead." Not a bad point, actually...

The next four questions essentially present a series of A-or-B choices. Each woman surveyed could only choose one of the two choices. Both of the married women who responded to the poll asked to be recused from the following four questions; The Doc, being a gentleman, respected the request, reducing the sample to ten.

Our women prefer a Baldwin over a Thompson; A Stephanopoulos over a Reed; A President over a Speaker, and; "The Doc" over Bob Novak.

Question 6: I would rather share the Lincoln Bedroom with: A) Alec Baldwin B) Fred Dalton Thompson

Ten for Alec, none for Fred

Question 7: I would rather share the Lincoln Bedroom with: A) George Stephanopoulos B) Ralph Reed

Nine for George, one for Ralph - and it wasn't the Republican! Her comment: "Yeah, I'd LOVE to mess with little Ralphie's head." Kinky.

Question 8: I would rather share the Lincoln Bedroom with A) Bill Clinton b) Newt Gingrich

Ten for Bill. A pattern had definitely emerged. One poll subject said "But he's married. I can't abstain?" I felt a little slimy, putting a woman I know to be highly ethical in this situation, but said no way... and she picked Bill in less than a second. Another commented "It would be wrong, Doc, Bill's married... but I'd do it just to make Newt feel even more inadequate than he already does." You go, girl!

Question 9: I would rather share the Lincoln Bedroom with A) Doctor Gonzo B) Robert Novak The results of this question were unexpectedly controversial. A sampling of the replies: "Are you hitting on me?" "Now, Doc, behave yourself here." "Doc! You little pervert! I'm NOT ANSWERING that question!" "That's a really inappropriate question." "Sorry, but judging from your picture, I'm afraid I'll have to go with Novak. Bald guys don't float my boat." Even with those grotesquely gigantic capped teeth of his, I guess... Okay, one for Bob. "That's a tough one --- how about a threesome?" WHOA! One for Bob AND The Doc! Yowza! And the same woman who wants to do Ralph. Final results: 4 1/2 for Doc, 1 1/2 for the Prince of Darkness, 4 "undecided."

The final question: True or false --- Republicans make lousy lovers.
Twelve trues.

'Nuff said.