17 December 1998 -- HONG KONG -- Reading the case notes, the judge thought it should have been a clear-cut case of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. But the media got involved and waters got muddied when the accused denied the charge and even proudly claimed he was doing the community a favour.

"Do you have any statement to make before I pass sentence?" the judge asked.

"I do, Sir," the accused answered with not a little confidence, "and I firmly believe I was justified in my action.

"The 'alleged' victim," the accused began sarcastically. "has a record of being the most obnoxious member of our community. I, er, I mean we, warned him repeatedly that his antisocial behaviour would result the most severe consquences.

"But he ignored our warnings. Okay. so he'd smirk and promise to be a nice guy, but after a week or so he'd always go back on his word. It was so frustrating."

"While I admire your community spirit," the judge said, "there are official ways to keep a wayward character in check."

"Oh we tried that," the accused insisted, "we got Court Orders and Restraining Orders -- but that didn't stop him. And at the end of the day, I decided he needed to be taught a lesson."

"Yes," the judge observed dryly, "And not for the first time. So, how many times is it now? You again took a gun and shot him squarely between the third and fourth finger. You then shot him on the tip of his ear, clipped a toe. wounded him in the buttocks. Reloaded and continued to shoot. By accident or design, you always missed any vital organs.

"Let me ask you, are you trying to kill him or are you just a terrible shot or have a problem with the accuracy of your weapon?

"Forgive me for being a little dense, but if you have an inability or an unwillingness to shoot him in the heart," the judge continued, "what, exactly are you trying to achieve?

"As a self-declared reasonable member of the community, you must realise that this somewhat less than determined vendetta against the victim is having a terrible effect on the victims family. Your community action has made his family unwelcome at the fresh food market and they are banned from buying anything at the mall. They can't even get decent medical care. Where the heck is your conscience?"

The accused was speechless. "Er, I think at this point...."

"Another question," the judge interjected, "according to my notes you were once very good friends with the victim. In fact, you encouraged him to move into the neighborhood because you had a problem with someone a little further down the street."

"Well, that may be a bit of a simplification," defended the accused.

"And you not only encouraged the victim but supplied him with the means to make life miserable for the other folks on the block."

"Let me put this into context...." the accused began.

The judge wasn't having any of it. "For your own considered benefit you provided him with the means to become so intoxicated with his power that he began to abuse his own family, isn't that the case?"

"Now, wait a minute..."

"And when you thought you couldn't control him anymore - you got annoyed."

"Not guilty, not guilty!"

"Guilty, as charged." the judge determined, "you go to jail."

"One question," the accused asked sheepishly, "considering what is going on in the Gulf, what're the chances that Bill Clinton and Tony Blair will be my cell-mates?"

--Chris Gelken