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by The Editors
The McLaugh-In Group
Faux Genius Touts Nonissues, Asks Dumb Questions
Issue One: "Happy Faux Millennium!"
Good grief.
John gave a long lecture on Roman Emperor Diocletian introducing the Christian calendar -- and said the millennium does not change until 2000 ends and 2001 begins. He claimed that "greed" was driving false millennium mania.
Utter nonsense -- going from the 1000's to the 2000's is cause for Jane and Joe Average to celebrate.
John said that Clinton should proclaim a false millennium! Michael Barone, laughing at John's lunatic "issue," called John "picayune." Eleanor Clift: "Where would you start, the big bang?" Tony Blankley said "This is interesting..." as his smirk betrayed his real though: "Gimme a break." John interjected about "peasant innumeracy" in the year 999, an claimed that there was apocalypse fear. Clarence Page zinged John -- "Are you practicing zero tolerance?" -- then said why not celebrate twice?
The entire panel had been looking at John as if he had truly gone over the edge.
John then asked which millennium the panel will celebrate -- and answered himself: "Celebrate both -- party on!"
Following fifteen minutes of overproduced commercials for defense contractor GE came issue two -- Chinese Premier Zemin supporting Yeltsin in going after Russia, then said in his most ominous tone that Clinton has forgotten that Russia is a nuclear power. He then quoted "bellicose" rhetoric from Yeltsin -- but seems himself to forget that Yeltsin was doing this for domestic, not international reason.
John then turned back to defending his old friend Slobodan Milosevic -- by practically calling Clinton a war criminal for personally dropping cluster bombs on Serbian civilians.
John and Tony talked about a "strategic alliance" between Russia and China and claimed Russia wants Chinese cash. Hoo-boy. Eleanor pointed out that the US agrees that Chechnya should not break away from Russia -- and that Yeltsin and Zemin trust each other as much as Stalin and Mao! And Barone pointed out that Yeltsin is in an election campaign (he's right) and added that China is a nuclear threat (we laughed out loud).
John said "three of you are hearing what you want to hear" -- as he played a tape of Clinton supposedly "shrugging off" Yeltsin's comments. John then mentioned his issues: Chechnya terrorists attacking Russia, oil, sovereignty, Vladimir Putin. How realistic is it for Yeltsin to back down? Tony talked about how Russian losses -- including those of this week -- affect public support in Russia. Clarence talked terrorism, Barone talked elections and mentioned a Tolstoy short story, and Eleanor said -- contradicting John -- that the Clinton Administration is taking this seriously.
Michael Barone said he didn't see a Yeltsin / Putin victory in Chechnya " on the boards;" Clarence said
"it looks good for Mr. Putin right now," but based on McLaughlin predictions, Putin should be worried! Eleanor said that autonomy for Chechnya " will propel Putin to the presidency," and Tony said it's way too soon to call the election. John pointed out that the Russian Duma holds elections today, and
"anti-Westerners are going to take it over in large numbers," which will "propel" Putin to the Presidency.
Barone picked Putin as the next Russian president; so did Eleanor; Tony called it too close to call; Clarence said that We laughed again! John said Putin will be propelled into the presidency.
Issue three -- catch this -- "Why are so many spies roaming around the Department of State?"
Here's the answer, John: that's where the secrets are!
John discussed the details of a Russian spy's eavesdropping on the State Department using a bug planted in the molding of a conference room. He then hammered the State Department for lack of security -- and on that, he's right, but when is he going to blame conservatives in Congress for cutting counterintelligence funding? Barone talked about Wen Ho Lee as if he were a spy, Eleanor said the "culture of laxity" is a result of the end of the Cold War, Tony slammed the Clinton Administration for sloppiness, and Page said it's funny how America seems to get a spy every time Russia gets one of ours!
Copyright © 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, American Politics Journal Publications. All rights reserved. ISSN No. 1523-1690