Dan Burton, Masturbatory Churl
by Mac MacArthur

That's Burton between Thompson and Gingrich - notice the gloves?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23RD, 1997 -- NEW YORK (APJP) -- Just back from Palm Beach and our annual Arianna "Huf" and what do we find? That weasel, Dan "Cantaloupe Head" Burton -- up to no good again.

This man, you know, the same one who shoots guns at cantaloupes in his yard to "prove" the Clintons murdered their old family friend Vince Foster, is about to try another fast one on the American people.

He's pretending he wants to grant "immunity" to certain witnesses which he finds "key" to proving some conspiracy or other -- any old conspiracy will do -- in which the White House was culpable.

Only problem is, Burton would grant immunity to people who don't need it.

Why, because granting immunity is tantamount, in our tiny American media-controlled minds, to the witness admitting guilt. That's why.

This way, Burton can line up a bunch of loud mouths who haven't done a thing wrong, but may be frightened of being framed, and have them tell him and his 22 puppet Republican colleagues nothing -- but still have half the country (the dumb half) think they're all guilty.

We say 22 others because one of our favorite GOP congresspersons is Representative Connie Morella who won't participate in Burton's sideshow. Connie's told our correspondent that she doesn't come to Burton's coven meetings -- obviously because she doesn't approve. Here's our "Trille's" filing:

MORELLA DISGUSTED WITH BURTON?
Rep. Connie Morella called me [December 12th ] (in person by herself, no secretary involved) to more-or-less repudiate the outrageous statements by Burton-Barr at the hearings. She said that SHE DIDN'T THINK THAT WAY, but that she had to be on the committee to work on regular government oversight to protect Federal employees and D.C. government -- and that makes sense of course, and she said that if I noticed -- she wasn't there for the 2nd day of the (Reno-Freeh) hearings which is her way of saying she doesn't approve. Of course, I stated that she should PUBLICLY REPUDIATE THEM, but I don't think she dares, but it was still a good sign that she even called.

'Nuf said on that.

To illustrate just how the moronic media is treating this latest Burton act, we looked at CNN as an example. Here's how they framed the story:

"CNN: WASHINGTON (AllPolitics, Dec. 23) -- Rep. Dan Burton's committee investigating campaign finance is prepared to push for immunity from prosecution for some witnesses in an effort to secure testimony about illegal fund-raising practices. "

Check out the use of the word "push" -- as if Burton had to push anyone to get immunity. He controls the Committee, he doesn't give a hoot what Janet Reno thinks. But he can't grant it because he needs some Democrats to vote yes. They won't. Not because they think the people Burton's after are guilty, but because they don't want to protract Burton's three ring circus any longer than necessary.

"CNN: We're going to make a big din before it's over," said Burton, an Indiana Republican.

That's for sure, a "big din" over nothing, as usual. What the American people expect from this charlatan -- no more, no less.

CNN: "The House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, chaired by Burton, has released a new count of people it says are refusing to cooperate with its probe. Forty-six potential witnesses have claimed protection under the Fifth Amendment, 12 have left the country and 12 others are not U.S. citizens and have refused interviews, according to the committee."

But CNN doesn't bother to explain who, what, why, how, where or when. First; no good lawyer would recommend to anyone that he or she cooperate with any Congressional Committee -- let alone a witch hunt like Burton and Thompson are conducting. Innocent or guilty, a witness who could become the focus of a federal probe should keep his or her mouth shut.

Second; pleading the fifth is a constitutional privilege. The privilege exists for a few reasons. One of those reasons is to allow people not to talk to morons like Burton whose only goal is to hijack witnesses, twist their words, and hopefully get them indicted for anything, anything at all that would embarrass the White House, and especially Al Gore.

Third; if you were an Asian, and Asian-American or any minority linked to the White House wouldn't that little voice in the pit of your stomach be saying:

"Hey, you can afford it. Get the heck out of the U.S. until these clowns stop the muckraking. If the government wants to hang you, they'll find something to hang you on. Mark my words."

So you listen to that little voice. Pauline Kanchanalak for instance, is known by one of my best friends. She wasn't out to subvert the political system. She was a wealthy woman who knew the Democrats needed help. She gave it, and perhaps in doing so she was mislead. But do you think she'd get a fair shake from Burton and most of the Republican goons on that phony committee -- No way. So she left for Thailand. Her friends still see her and talk with her. But she can't come back to the states -- although entitled because she's the subject of a lynch mob headed by this kook Burton who'd sell his own mother in order to get re-elected. Pauline is represented by one of the nations finest lawyers -- a man of integrity. Burton knows exactly where she is, and how to reach her. He doesn't because he knows she won't tell him what he wants her to tell him -- that the DNC and the President forced her, instructed her, and lead her into a criminal conspiracy. Hah. What a terrible joke this is.

CNN: "Burton remains determined. "We will push for immunity for those who we think can help move us up the food chain," he told The Associated Press. "If we can get immunity for some people, we can trace sources to some of the foreign areas." "

Note Burton's use of words like " determined" and "food chain" which bring to mind someone "daring" and "animals" feeding on each other. Like a Nazi propaganda artist hard at work when Burton was born, the "Chairman," himself under investigation for extortion of illegal campaign funds from the Pakistani embassy, uses those buzz words to add credibility to his fantasy line and sucks in the lazy-brained press while he does it.

CNN: "Congressional investigators will travel to California and abroad next month to look for evidence of illegal foreign contributions used to influence U.S. elections. "

Ha! Congressional investigators. Punks -- like that goon committee counsel who makes his staff puke so much that the revolving door at Burton's Committee offices spins at a thousand miles per hour. Sure, they'll junket out to California and Asia -- on your money. And they'll whoop it up at trendy night spots after making sure the press has it's 8 second sound-bytes on their shenanigans that day.

All pap and no substance. That's what you'll see.

If Burton wanted to look into foreign contributions why doesn't he start with the thousands of multinationals that give him and his colleagues money every year. Many of them are run by non-US citizens. And what about the "nation lobbyists." You know the type -- they call them consuls, secretaries, ministers and the like. But what they really are, are highly paid lobbyists like the one Burton shook down for Pakistani campaign cash. Their mission? --To lock in profitable contracts for foreign companies doing business with the US government, bring down tariffs that protect our domestic industries, and clog our courts with trade suits and other legal dross designed to help their homelands. Burton and his pals take money from all of them that offer it. Sure, it's legal, but only if you're a Republican I guess.

CNN: "Granting immunity will not be easy for Burton. The Justice Department is concerned that immunity will damage its criminal investigation into campaign finance abuses, and House Democrats on his committee are unlikely to be cooperative when it comes to a vote on immunity."

Right, and Ford Motor Company operates from a corner garage. The Justice Department is only concerned that Burton might mistakenly get in the way of a real investigation. But I can tell you, they're not overly concerned at all. The people Burton is hunting have not been charged with a crime and are most likely not guilty of one. The Justice Department knows that. The FBI knows that. Why doesn't Burton know that?

Well, I submit he does.

"Democrats have long claimed that the House investigation is too partisan. Burton will need a two-thirds committee majority to grant immunity. The committee, which is comprised of 24 Republicans, 19 Democrats and an independent who tends to vote with Democrats, will be unable to grant immunity without Democratic help."

Of course CNN doesn't bother to do the math for you. Okay, if you can rely on CNN's head count -- That's 43 members total on his home-spun committee. That means Burton needs 4 or 5 Democrats to vote with him for the requisite two-thirds or 28-29 ayes. Do you think he'll find four or five that will betray their party and the American people?

We don't think so.

"Of particular interest to investigators is immunity for Nora and Gene Lum. The Lums, operators of a natural gas pipeline in Oklahoma, were found guilty of using fictional donors to conceal $50,000 in illegal campaign contributions. They were sentenced to 10 months in prison and $30,000 in fines in September. "

Actually, Nora and Gene Lum are of particular interest to almost anyone in Washington. They raised a lot of money for politicians in their day. They may have done it illegally. But that doesn't mean that the DNC and the White House directed them to do so. The Lums, from all accounts, were their own best friends and engaged in campaign fund raising activity as learned practitioners of a craft they spent years perfecting.

Perhaps Burton ought to trade the Lums for some of Congressman Jay Kim's (Republican, California) contributor's testimony. They and Kim and Kim's wife could teach them a few tricks about Republican fund raising shenanigans. And maybe while he's at it, Burton can grant immunity to Grover Norquist, another Republican bag man, as well. Grover's going down for laundering money through charities -- something Gingrich taught him. I'll bet he'd love that immunity.

"Burton said that the Lums are prepared to testify, with immunity, that the Clinton campaign wrote a letter in 1992 endorsing a candidate in an unnamed Asian country in exchange for a $50,000 contribution to a Democrat-affiliated group the Lums had formed. The donation is believed to have possibly been overseas money. "

Sure. Rats like the Lums would testify against Jesus or even Ralph Reed if they though it would keep them out of the pokey. The Lums would say that Clinton balanced the budget with Newt, naked in a linen closet at the behest of the Chinese government if it'll get them a pass out of Club Fed.

Wouldn't you?

"The Lums will also reveal financial assistance offered by the Riady family of Indonesia, Burton said."

Sure. They'll tell all. But what Burton doesn't mention is that they won't say the White House of the DNC knew they were getting dirty money. Why? Because the Lums laundered it before they gave it. So, how was anyone to know these people -- who posed as multi-billionaires -- weren't handing over legal coin.

Gee Dan, I guess your Alzheimer's is catching up with you.

"Committee investigators, who asked not to be quoted by name, say they have been unable to take advantage of the Lums' offer without granting immunity."

Right. Of course they don't want to be mentioned by name. That's because they could never get another job if they did. Everyone knows that crème of the crap works for Burton both in his own office and in the Committee's offices. Washington insiders call those offices "The Eastwick Rooms" after the motion picture "The Witches of Eastwick"... as in Witch hunt.

"Investigators say the committee is interested in the organization formed by the Lums in 1992, the Asian Pacific Advisory Council. Much of the money raised by the organization, predominantly through small donations, went to a company owned by the Lums, according to investigators. "

Yeah. So what? Think people. Think CNN -- we rely on you. Here Burton's saying the Lums are crooks. They laundered money from foreign firms through their own US corporation. They made the money appear "legal" that way. So? Where's the beef, or the cantaloupe, as it were?

Nowhere. Why? because admitting you're a criminal does not make everyone you deal with a criminal too. If that were true than the entire congress --save the millionaires who fund their own races (and there are none that do) -- would be serving 10 years to Life playing croquet at Allenwood.

"Committee investigators claim the council's documents show an affiliation between the group and the Democratic National Committee. But no records of donations to the group were publicly reported, as is required by law of all political organizations and their affiliates. "

Okay, that's better. But then again -- what affiliation? What are you talking about? Do you mean "the group" gave money to the DNC? Do you mean a couple of members from "the group" attended a DNC fund raiser? Does that mean they are "affiliated." I think not. Finish your stories CNN, or don't write them at all. You're misleading our kids. And I know they refer to your allpolitics.com web page to steal your stuff for overdue term papers. Do you want them all to fail?

"According to the committee others refusing to cooperate are Yah Lin "Charlie" Trie, a former Democratic Party fund-raiser; Mark Middleton, a former White House aide; Maria Hsia, a Democratic fund-raiser who worked with John Huang; and Johnny Chung, also a Democratic fund-raiser. "

What do you mean, "according to the Committee?" According to everyone. That's not news. Mark Middleton knows what can happen when the FBI is hot on your trail. He knows they'll find something on him or make something up -- sort of like Richard Jewell or the parents of JonBenet Ramsey. But, you never know. Charlie Trie is in China. NBC's Tom Brokaw managed to talk with him. He told them how things work in Washington. Was he the one who said is was like a "subway", or was that Huang?

Dan, if you want, I can lead you to some Republicans who'll tell you the same thing -- even worse. Or how about some alleged Democrats or switch hitters like Dwayne Andreas for starters. At least calling him would be fair. He's given money to nearly everyone in congress.

I wonder why he did it?

Anyway, that's my spew for the day. I'm sick of elected constitutional perverters like Dan Burton living on your and my money and his pretense for nothing more than self-aggrandizement and masturbatory fantasy. He's an abuser, plain and simple. And if he keeps it up, I'll go to Indiana myself and make sure he's thrown out of office in a wink.

You know I can do that.