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NEW YORK / WASHINGTON, D.C. / DENVER, Colo. (APJNS) -- 'Twas' the day after Christmas,
And at start of day,
Our editors heard
What the pundits did say.
Now all of our writers
From publisher on down
Were spending the weekend
With kin out of town.
The schedules were shuffled
And regulars were few
As most shows recycled
The year in review.
As visions of Y2K
Danced in their heads,
We give you a rehash
Of just what they said:
Fox News Sunday
Hoping for Millennium Mayhem?
Tony Snow, lucky dog, got the holiday weekend off -- leaving us stuck with "Mr. Warmth" himself, Brit Hume, who opened by uncharacteristically wishing viewers a politically correct "Happy holidays!"
And we always thought he was a right-winger. Silly us...
Brit and the gang decided to whip up millennial terrorist paranoia with guests Jerome Hauer (Director of Emergency Services, New York City) and James Woolsey (former CIA Director). Hauer expressed some concerns -- and Juan Williams asked a follow-up about a "direct threat to Times Square." Hauer claimed that there are no specific threats. Jeff Birnbaum asked Hauer if he "recommended" people gather in Times Square. Hauer siad people should exercise caution.
Worth noting: Fon News's New York Headquarters is only a couple blocks from Times Square, over on Sixth Avenue.
Hauer then veered off to discuss Y2K problems, notably -- elevator problems in Manhattan! Don't laugh -- if you've ever been stuck on an elevator in a high-rise, you'll understand. Fred Barnes asked what the worst-case scenario that New York is ready to deal with would be -- Hauer, predictably, was not specific, but did say that he was confident that power and water would not prove prolematic. Brit had to ask a follow-up on whether New York was in peril from terrorists; Hauer said that a large part of concern is focused on individuals out to "make a statement" rather than organized groups on the radar.
Interesting omission -- no discussion of the possibility that some terrorists or self-styled "patriot" groups may try to disrupt the power grid.
Brit then turned to Woolsey, asking about the "cascade" of intelligence. Woolsey said that there has been a shift from state-sponsored organizations to ad-hoc, less organized (i.e. "cell") groups. The most important goal for the FBI and other organizations: step up intelligence. Talk about stating the obvious! And one interesting comment from Woolsey: technically, terrorists are human rights violators. Woolsey also went on to tie "major liberal figures" such as FDR to internment of thousands of Japanese during World War II. Was that necessary to get across his point of overreacting to terrorism?
Woolsey talked about the difficulty of "mobilizing a chaotic country" to get organized against terrorism. Fred "The Weasel" Barnes brought up the possibility of a nuclear terrorist attack -- which Woolsey all but laughed off. He did say the most worrisome threat was a biological attack.
Talk turned to Osama bin Laden -- and Woolsey brought up a favorite sound bite concerning the shift "from state-sponsored terrorism to terrorist-sponsored states" -- in other words, Afghanistan.
Following the break (zdnet.com, how2.com, Philip Morris -- the "Miller brings drinking water to communities in distress spot" -- and how2.com again [!!] followed by Fox Sports), Brit treated us to a visit from Gary Bauer. Oh, joy.
The Weasel mentioned in his most frustrated tone the court decision supporting gay marriages in Vermont, the cue for Bauer to go into "America is losing its culture and values" whine.
Gee, Gary -- gay Americans are embracing the traditional value and cultural icon of marriage. Your answer pegs you for what you are: a hypocrite and a bigot undeserving of serious consideration for any public office.
Bauer then said that "China plays us for suckers" -- again showing his ignorance of the rise of free markets and capitalism worldwide, and the need for China to rely on the American model and American advice to westernize. He's spoiling for a new Cold War.
Bauer then started firing away at George Bush, all of his money, and his declining polls -- then attacked his ideas, or lack thereof. "I think he can melt down in Iowa." Juan asked Bauer if Bush lacks the "gravitas" to lead the US, and Bauer said Bush has bad ideas.
Bauer was asked about Steve Forbes -- and Bauer said Forbes should have dropped out months ago! Bauer also said that he believes he at last has a chance "to break through here."
Right, Gary -- from 1% to 2% of the vote!
Brit then said that Shrub W. has most of the GOP party heirarchy behind him -- but Brit is wrong in that they are having second thoughts. Bauer lamented the "poll-driven" public and a lack of "foreign policy based on our founding values."
Which ones, Gary? America the haven for slavery, America that denied the vote to non-landowners and women, America that committed genocide against the natives?
And The Weasel was right when he said that Bauer's ads are having no effect. Has abortion fizzled as an issue? All Bauer could say is that Bush is not "pro-life" enough -- and it's a character issue on which he is "AWOL."
Birnbaum asked Bauer about his claim that Bush's campaign is collapsin -- making John McCain the leading candidate. Bauer cast McCain as a liberal. Then Juan Williams asked Bauer why people should not feel that he is a bigot over his views on homosexuals -- and Bauer cliamed that marriage is the exclusive provenance of heterosexuals and gay marriage introduces "bizarre" arrangements.
Yep -- that Bauer woman's a bigot, all right!
Spots: MasterCard, prodigy.com, Fox shows, and local spots for Denver businesses: America's Bedroom Superstore, General Mills cereals, Men's Wearhouse (they also do local spots in New York), Furniture Warehouse (they're big on warehouses in Denver).
The third segment was on the booming economy -- featuring "Motley Fools" Tom and Dave Gardner, doing their usual song-and-dance on investment (their strategy is all-stocks and a bit conservative but has done well over the years). We tuned it out.
Spots: Johnson & Johnson ("talk to your kids"), Fox Millennium coverage, and local spots for Cheerios and American Furniture Warehouse.
Panel time. Brit mentioned the Vermont court decision upholding gay marriages as the "top political story" of the week. Fred didn't like it -- "judges making it up [the law] on their own." Juan liked it -- as an upholding of equal protection. Fred, like the conservative he is, argued that this decision should be left to the state legislature. Jeff predicted that the sanctity of gay marriages may not stand up at the federal level. Brit got into the volatile issue of insurance coverage for same-sex marriages, and Fred said "judges want to impose their moral code on America." Oh -- the old "judicial activist" ploy. And it's all right when judges take away our rights, isn't it, Fred! Jeff brought up the issue of a possibly large turnover in the Supreme Court -- and the rumor that Tony Scalia may quit "out of frustration."
Good, we say -- he's a neo-fascist, anti-liberty extremist who should never have been appointed in the first place.
Talk turned to Atlanta Braves baseball player John Rocker, whose intolerant remarks in Sports Illustrated have turned him into the poster child for intolerant white trailer trash. The panel was unanimous in the condemnation of his words. Brit naturally changed subjects -- saying that Braves owner Ted Turner said "inflammatory" things about his boss Rupert Murdoch (Turner compared him to Hitler). Fred said Turner attacked Christians. Jeff said he works for both Turner- and Murdoch-owned companies -- but Turner was not politically-enough-incorrect, and was ridiculed as was Rocker.
But we say Turner was right. Murdoch is cloaking an ultra-hard-right political agenda behind his broadcasting and publishing interests.
Brit then turned to a fun topic -- the Grover Norquist feud with John McCain. McCain has denounced Norquist for his opposition to campaign finance reform. Fred the Weasel brought up Gore's attempt to kill 30-second commercials, and there was much pap on attack ads. We wish they'd stuck to talking about McCain and Norquist -- the latter being one of the most unscrupulous benders of campaign finance law this nation has turned out.
Spots (prodigy.com, Fox shows) preceded Brit's final non-word -- a plug for Fox Millennium coverage, hosted by himself and the eternally perky Paula Zahn.
What? Not hosted by entertainment types? Sounds like Fox is expecting news to "break out" on New Year's Eve! Hmmm...
Face the Nation
There was practically no politics to speak of -- Bob Schieffer held an interesting talk with Tom Wolfe, Esther Dyson, Stephen Jay Gould and others on society and culture entering a new century and millennium.
This Weak
Without Sam and Staphylococcus -- and the Swan Song of Bill Kristol
Cokie began the BORING This Weak with a couple of guests whom she quizzed about Y2K preparedness. Yawn
Then she brought out neo-fascist puppet-boy George "Swill" Will and both of them interviewed a likable but dumb undersecretary of state, who was the only political person they could dig up for the taping on Christmas weekend. His name is John Hamre, and he would have been better off getting drunk quietly at home.
He told Cocky that all US installations were on top alert -- but then added "they are always on top alert" Then she asked about Y2K at military bases and he said that there is no problem. He told Will that the reason we helped Russia with the 2000 problem was because we were concerned over computer control on nuclear weapons and Russia's own early warning system -- which we help maintain so they will know when we about to wipe them out!
What a wonderful world.
Of course, we're joking -- but wonder whether this would be a good time to "level" the playing field.
Cocky tried to say the Chinese were "totally unprepared" for New Year's Eve. Hamre told her she was nuts. Then Cocky described how the Pentagon and the Russians will be sitting around in Colorado Springs looking at "wide-screen warfare" -- hoping they won't see any nukes "accidentally" launched by Intel's and others' absolute negligence in not thinking there might just be a 21st century.
Ooh! Ahhh! Hey, if one missile gets off from the Moscow used-to-be-scary missile base, maybe those idiots who designed the worthless Scud-Getter so popularized during Desert Storm, but later found to be totally ineffective, could get their reputations back!
So far, so bad -- and a good time to take the time to tell you that This Weak is getting weaker instead of stronger.
Bill Kristol, the only intelligent panelist among the This Weak group, got the axe this week. Why? Probably because he made Sam, Cokie, Staphylococcus, and Will look so stupid. Although Kristol is a right winger, we loved his glib, whip-smart analysis of what Sam and Cokie were TRYING to say -- but couldn't as they lack the requisite gray matter.
Goodbye, Bill. You've just increased, not decreased, your status among these shreiking chimpanzees, and we can assure you that they ganged up on you in the face of disastrous ratings to protect their own sorry asses, seeing to it that it was you who were clipped first.
The next victim, we hear, will be the insipid bow-tied hermaphrodite, George Will, who will surely go back and write another bad book about baseball and continue to throw his family's furniture out the window when he gets annoyed.
Hopefully, George Staphylococcus will follow "Swill" into the dumpster -- and then we'll be left with the non-dynamic duo made up of the daughter of two vicious politicians from Louisiana who probably should have served some time and a bald guy who seems to be showing early stage Alzheimer's.
Cokie and Will brought out a couple of goons, one from the Hospital Association (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha) and New York Police Commissioner "Hollywood" Howie Safir, who said he would be standing directly under the Times Square Globe making sure no weirdos from the Middle East blow up two-thirds of New York's most repellent street people. We think Rudy Mussolini has probably planted his own bomb to get rid of the thousands of street people who flock to Times Square to participate in the "fun."
The Hospital Guy said he will also be "close by" on New Year's - close by to what? A case of Cristal?
Obviously the slow-on-the-uptake Will and Roberts think that the Day after Christmas is a great time to amuse the children with the horror that could occur (in the Twilight Zone) if not only the computer bug AND terrorist-planted sarin gas happened simultaneously across the entire United States. But for some reason, their discussion seemed confined to New York -- where Cocky's wife, Steve Roberts, writes for a third-rate tabloid. Cocky has gotten him other jobs as a TV pundit on shows no one watches - but out-earns him 20 to 1 (not counting the billions her Bayou Daddy may have left her in campaign cash).
So Cocky turned to Jane Garvey of the FAA to ask her whether all the planes will fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day. But Cocky won't take no for an answer -- and wonders whether it will be "wildly inconvenient" for passengers that might have to deal with a problem that Jane already told her did not exist -- and with widespread airport terrorism!! Then Cocky, trying from some blood and gore, asked Jane, "Well, what if you had a giant snowstorm and a computer shut down/"
Jane just laughed in her ugly apple doll face.
Will then repeated the foolishness -- asking stupid questions such as what happens if the computers put 132 people in eat 32B? Jane laughed at him as well. He "advised" her to watch the New Zealand and Australia air traffic control systems to look for clues about what is happening -- because it will be New Years there before here!
We nearly got a hernia laughing -- what a moron! Does he think that airplanes of US origin won't be flying anywhere at that time and wouldn't report trouble to Jane and her friends? And doesn't he know that aircraft and all air traffic control systems are set to Greenwich Mean Time (George, if you're reading, that's London time -- you moron)!
Some airlines have cancelled all their planes to Asia, Africa and, of course, Iowa to underscore that the idiots in those parts of the world cannot be trusted to reprogram the three or four computer chips they own.
What else can we say but that the show was WORSE than ever already -- and only half over!
Adding to the hilarity, they announced that Sam Donaldson will be totally WIRED around the globe so that if anything happens you can "count on him" to give you an alert.
Cocky then added Bill Kristol and Linda Douglass (from The Beverly Hillbillies?) to the mix to talk about terrorism.
Kristol said that we hit Bin Laden 15 months ago -- and he's had all this time to plan our deaths. Linda Douglass, whoever she is, actual looks like Jed Clampett's daughter. Does anyone know if they are one and the same?
Will said, "Hey, this is what the Israelis live with every day of the year!" Cocky laughed! Jeez.
Douglass started whistling the theme from the Hillbillies and Will ogled her chest while spinning a pencil. Douglass uses her hands a lot -- we're sure you know that these talking heads are coached to be "animated" -- but her hand movements are totally out of sync with the rhythm coming from her mouth.
Kristol begins to talk about "firewalls" in the primaries. Huh? We must have missed Cokehead's question. Kristol seemed to really want BabyBush to lose in New Hampshire. Will says that Bradley is now calling Gore a liar. The campaign is getting "vicious" -- what a riot! While Bradley does say sometimes that what Al says is just not true -- this is far from saying Gore is a LIAR! Ellie May said that Gore is a fierce competitor -- but why would you vote for him? We'll be calling him Tricky Al soon. Cocky put her down for this on the air!
Will says that the man of the millennium is William Shakespeare! Oh, God! Linda said that the man is Gutenberg, who invented the printing press. But he really didn't -- he invented the mass printing press which was good -- but certainly no challenge to Einstein. Cokie chose mega-slaveholder Thomas Jefferson as her man of the millennium. That figures, since she hails from Louisiana where they hung their "niggers" in sublime ecstasy. Now the cops down there just shoot them.
Kristol turned to the old favorite -- Abe Lincoln -- and then chose Winston Churchill as man of the Century. So did Newsweek - we think. Is Kristol plugging Sally Quinn?
Will and Cocky picked Watson and Crick as the MAN of the century. Will explains how biologist and physicists dominated the second half of the 20th century. Of course, he is wrong.
Douglass picked Tom Edison -- the megalomaniac money machine inventor -- but she did consider the suffragettes -- but obviously discarded them as tripe! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Who cares who Cokie, George W., and Linda Douglass think was important?
Obviously the most important minds of the millennium were Einstein, Newton -- and Walt Disney for bamboozling us all into thinking he was talented when in reality he was nothing but a hateful bigot C-Grade cartoonist (rivaled in non-talent only by Norman Rockwell) who taught our kids to worship vermin and the phony facades at Disney World while he made one D-Movie after another. Walt is dead but he has been cloned by all Disney management.
Well, okay -- hip hip hooray for Donald Duck at least.
Eat the Press
Russert's first guest was Walt Issacson of Time Magazine -- who chose Albert Einstein as the man of the century.
Good choice, Walter.
Doddy-Daddy Senator Pat Moynihan said he likes the Einstein choice, but William Buckley (who still looks like The Mummy) reminded everyone that if you have to sit around and think about who then there isn't one. Then he launched into an explanation of Einstein and then said his personal choice would have been Pope John Paul! What a riot. Is Buckely Catholic or what?
Oh, God. Then bio-slut Doris Kearns Goodwin -- who will soon sink into obscurity -- chose Franklin Roosevelt, plugging her own book about him.
Colin Bowel, oxymoronic Black Republican, agreed with the Einstein choice -- but his pick would have been "The American GI." What can we say?
Buckley then turned to him and said, why would you pick the GI when the Nazis fought just as hard -- and it was most likely true that the average GI was fighting for freedom -- they were drafted. Bowel turned over for the butt reaming and agreed, but then said that our boys went doing the right thing. Buckley reminded him that the German youth loved Hitler and his teachings as well. We were roaring with laughter yet again! What a losing, but true, proposition.
Then Russert went over the biggest turning points of the century. Most were assassinations.
The entire discussion was a waste of time -- but leave it to Buckley, who looks like he's been dead for years, to add some spice and insight to the lackluster hour.
Of course, Russert basically proclaimed that the biggest problem of the next century will be THE CHILDREN. Oh, the children, oh the children, what to do about the children? Then he showed a tape of Young Pat "Annoynihan" talking about how black kids are getting the shaft.
This, a little message from Tim that it is not only black kids (you racist), it is all of them.
Buckely sort of agreed.
The idiot biographer (who slept with Johnson and almost broke up his own marriage) said we must keep our families together!
The fact is that this has nothing to do with CHILDREN -- IT IS GREED - PURE AND SIMPLE.
Colin Bowel -- whose child foundation is under investigation for doing nothing and spending tens of millions in the process -- said that we have to compensate for this weakness. He tells people, he says "Marry well and MARRY UP!!" God, what a perspective. Family, schmammily -- Bowel's "America's Promise," which hasn't kept any except training kids for jobs that pay nothing, is on for what? Who knows? To prove that he is one of five black men well known in America that are Republicans?
Doris says forget the private schools -- we need our public schools to be better. She is wearing a bed jacket (sort of like your great-grandmother had), no makeup, and looks like she just got up.
Russert showed a clip of Buckley saying that Americans know better than their own presidents (this was meant by Russert as a dig at Clinton, of course). Buckley added that the average American is a little but above average. I would rather be governed by the first two thousand people in the Boston telephone directory than by the first two thousand names in the Harvard graduate directory.
Of course, Buckely went to Yale.
Russert: "IS TERRORISM THE BIGGEST THREAT IN THE NEXT CENTURY?"
Bowel: We can destroy any of them. He didn't use those exact words -- but that was his message.
Doris said, hey, there was the threat of mutual destruction before, but now these terrorists don't care about their countries.
Bowel is too stupid to get it and keeps talking about Rogue States and their "committing suicide."
Buckley asked, "Hey -- what did we make clear to North Korea?" Yeah -- and we say (for Buckley) what did YOU make clear to Saddam? Nothing. Nada. You idiot.
Annoynihan begs Bowel to back the nuclear nonproliferation treaty the GOP voted down. Like a good little Republican he echoed his masters, blaming the Democrats when they all voted for it.
Doris told Russert that candidates simply just sit on televisions instead of talking to people. Russert went ballistic in his cute little way. "Now wait a minute, Doris!," he chortles.
Time Capsule Choices: Annoynihan -- A swastika and a Red Flag to remind them that we beat those bastards. Doris -- will remind her great grandchildren to learn how a large public event can wash over them and learn service. Bowel would say "Continue my family" and have a great life. Buckely says be devoted like their father and grandfather and love God. Annoynihan -- copied Buckley.
Tim wished "Happy new year" -- and that was it.