It's that time of year again when jaded journos and hungover hacks turn their attention to writing reviews of the past year's news. It is a time honoured tradition that is aimed at fooling publishers into thinking their people are actually working. The reality, all we want to do is dash off a couple of hundred words and get to the next party before all the good tequila and vodka is drunk. Writers with a photographic memory or copious notes can knock off a 'year in review' piece quicker than a three speed blender can crush ice for the next pitcher of marguerita. A superior ability to function with a massive hangover is an added advantage that many of us have practiced and perfected over the years.

But this year I am going to be different, at least for this piece, because I think the loyal readers of American Politics deserve better, and I really do have a party to attend and I am late already. Instead of a retro, I am going to attempt a pretro - if there is such a word. 1999 - A year in preview.

January. All warm and fuzzy after Christmas, Senators from both sides of the floor decided to give the American public a break and go for a 'Tsk tsk, you naughty boy,' censure rather than impeachment. I thought it was particularly sporty and bi-partisan when GOP Senators hired Monica Lewinsky to lip-sync the 1960's hit "My Boy Lollipop" - wearing that famous blue dress and using a cigar instead of a microphone. Everyone fell about laughing and Monica was so touched by the warmth of her reception, she just dropped to her knees and hugged every Senate member within arms length. Before she left she remembered to say thank you to the lady Senators too. Such a nice girl.

Linda Tripp moved to Salem. To find her spiritual roots, she said.

February. A great month. Saddam Hussein finally gave up his somewhat secular ways and 'got religion' - he relinquished the presidency, flew to Gaza and joined Hamas. Uday Hussein became President-for-Life, sanctions were lifted, the boys came home and the Dow Jones shot through the roof on the back of massive pharmaceutical sales to an undisclosed destination 'somewhere in the Gulf.' Deja vu.

April Glaspie was reappointed to a 'senior' diplomatic post in Baghdad.

Ken Starr became a circuit judge in Salem and with the support of more than 70-percent of the American public, he started to do what he does best.

March. Lewinsky finally published her long awaited kiss-and-tell instruction book on how to get rich and famous with limited talents. Free knee-pads with every purchase. It was an instant best seller with bookshop owners describing a 'great sucking sound' as air rushed in to fill the vacuum as copies flew off the shelves.

Scott Ritter moved to Montana.

April. Former Indonesian President Suharto escaped extradition to Portugal on charges of genocide by fleeing the country. There were rumours that he was aided by ex-President Gerald Ford and Henry Kissinger. Diplomat April Glaspie wrote an editorial for the Drudge Report denying any connection. Very convincing. Not. Appearing in Gaza, Suharto's application to join Hamas was first rejected because killing 200,000 East Timorese didn't quite meet entry requirements. A rather disappointed Suharto was informed that brown skinned foreigners don't really count, even if they are Christian. Hamas reconsidered the application and eventually allowed Suharto to join after he pointed out that as far as Indonesian law was concerned, technically speaking the East Timorese were his own citizens when he had them slaughtered. That counts for something in Hamas circles.

May. After an eight-month trial former Malaysian Finance Minister Anwar Ibrahim is finally convicted of sodomizing international financier George Soros. Or was it the other way around? Anyway, the judge thought it wasn't really important. The accused was obviously guilty of something, otherwise why would the judiciary and the majority of Parliament go to such expense to prosecute him? The crucial testimony that sealed the conviction was supplied by none other than President Mahathir Mohammed. The President's well-known and documented lack of bias against either the accused or his 'partner' apparently convinced the court of Anwar's guilt.

Ken Starr received a stained mattress through the post. The attached note simply read: "Thanks for the inspiration, your pal, Maha."

Monica Lewinsky got a job as a Kremlin intern.

June. Another Chinese dissident was given 'medical parole' in the U.S. by the authorities in Beijing. Shocked doctors at Johns Hopkins told reporters: "This one is REALLY sick. We doubt if he will be able to take up his associate professorship for at least a week. This is a disgrace."

U.S. based ratings agency Standard and Poors predicted a hard time ahead for Russia, the President in particular.

July. Half way through the year and everyone was out there with the statistics. The big story in the side-bar on page 12 of most international newspapers this month was that only 3,495,214 new wars had started in Africa since January. A 0.00017 percent decrease over 1998. An obviously delighted U.N Secretary General Kofi Annan said the figures proved beyond doubt that United Nations policies were working. Mugging for the cameras, Annan repeated the mantra that bare-foot and hungry African peacekeepers, not soldiers from the West, are the answer to Africa's problems.

The S.G. became very defensive when it was pointed out that only one of the wars started in the past decade had actually ended. "Well, we have to build on our small successes," Annan countered.

"It was total genocide," the reporter pointed out, "one side completely wiped out the other - that is why the war ended. They're all dead. Men, women, children. Down to the last soul. Butchered."

"Genocide?" Annan said, "We don't use that sort of language at the United Nations. It causes all sorts of complications. Unless we use it against Serbs, I mean. Thank you for coming today. If you have any more questions, please put them to my trusty press secretary, Mr. Butler. Richard! Oh, Richard, please leave that C.N.N. lady alone alone for a moment and be a good chap, would you?"

Police in Montana reported finding the body of Scott Ritter. He apparently choked on his own blood after falling backwards onto a knife 25 times. Local police described it as a terrible accident, one of the worst they had ever seen. August. The U.S. State Department called in the Iraqi Ambassador to lodge a formal complaint over the sexual assault of Special Envoy to Baghdad, April Glaspie. According to press reports at the time, President-for-Life Uday tried to do a 'Lewinsky' with Ms. Glaspie during an audience at the palace while they were discussing Moslem claims to the Republic of Israel. Back in Washington Ms Glaspie insisted, "For goodness sake, it wasn't that sort of wink. That man is a total moron, not a patch on his father."

Local television in Salem spotted Ken Starr building what appeared to be a huge bonfire in his back garden.

Concerns about Boris Yeltsin's health emerged again this month. Commentators remarked that during his last Kremlin interview he was looking a bit stiff. He was smiling, however, and wearing a beret.

Semptember. Leaders of the Northern Ireland factions called a press conference to declare another ceasefire. Sinn Fein's Gerry Adams assured members of the press that this time it was the real thing. "No more bombs," he promised, "never, never, never, never, I am fairly - well, reasonably confident - maybe." A plucky reporter piped up: "What about handing over weapons ya murdering bastard?" Adams, the diplomat and White House season ticket holder smiled as he measured the distance from the floor to the reporter's kneecaps, "I'll let you know about that just as soon as the Nobel Peace Prize nominations are announced."

October. Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died. After almost a year waiting for the British House of Lords to decide if their last decision on the first decision that was overturned by the second and third decision and then countered by their fourth decision was, in fact, the right decision, the general passed away quietly at a house just outside London. The coroner declared that the cause of death was boredom. "There's simply a lack of people to torture and murder here," the coroner declared, "the old soul just pined for the good old days." The media reported that Margaret Thatcher was inconsolable. Last seen dressed in head to foot black robes, Thatcher boarded a flight to Arafat International to share her grief with 'old friends'.

Congo's Laurent Kabila won the Nobel Peace Prize. "It was a foregone conclusion," said one Irish reporter as he was wheeled on a gurney to the emergency room for an operation on two shattered knee-caps.

November. Al Gore formally announced that he would be a candidate for the presidency, to finish he said, what Bill Clinton began. "I admire Bill Clinton for his achievements," Gore declared, "but where he, bless him, might have been a little restrained, I intend to go all they way. Come, come," he spluttered, "come, what may." Kremlin officials were a little surprised but welcomed Gore's interest in becoming President of their country. They said there might be a problem over nationality, but if Gore could get Pauline Kanchanalak and Charlie Trie on board, they were sure something could be sorted out.

December. It should be Armageddon, but I'm here lacing my shoes and sinking a final tequila before heading off to yet another drunken orgy disguised as 'seasonal over-exhuberance' - or however one spells it. I look back at the year and wonder. Why haven't I learned to use the spell-check yet? On a less important note, there were so many issues that remain inconclusive. What does Starr plan to do with his un-lit bonfire? Where is Linda? Could a trio of megolomanics like Saddam, Thatcher and Suharto ever be expected to agree on where to put the detonator? Is Yeltsin really alive or does Monica get off on artificial stimulation? Read American Politics in the year 2000 to find the answers. That's if the bug don't get ya.

-- Chris Gelken
Re-education and rehabilitation through hard labour and serious drinking camp #3421
Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of China