Clinton "Trial" Touted as "Better Than The Daily Show"

Round up the usual gang of idiots: (left to right) Bob Barr, Asa Hutchinson, Lindsey Graham, and Mary Bono

Wednesday, December 30, 1998 -- WASHINGTON -- Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) (you remember him -- he's the fruitcake who irons his dress shirts in his office after they come back from the laundry) is treading water with fear these days.

Lott is a member of the Council of Conservative Citizens -- otherwise known as the Ku Klux Klan hierarchy and stealth offspring of the ol' South's "white citizens councils" formed to fight integration and civil rights initiatives. He has a week to figure out how he's going to tell Henry Hyde that Hyde's career is over, along with those of his co-henchmen and froth-muzzle Bob Barr, cutesy Asa Hutchinson, whiny Lindsey Graham, pathetic airhead Mary Bono, and every just-plain-dumb Republican who was hand-picked by Newt Gingrich as "disposable" and then strategically placed on the House Judiciary Committee as a "group sacrifice" in case something went wrong with the Clinton lynching.

Something did. Big time.

I spoke with a source close to both Hyde and Gingrich this week. It was clear from the conversation that Newt Gingrich, who is no dummy, was as shocked as anyone that the House Judiciary Committee got as far as it did.

The source told me that Gingrich literally slammed his television on the floor of his office as he witnessed the moronic Republican staff give Ken Starr a standing ovation after his command performance as Cassandra in front of Hyde's Committee.

"Those idiots!," he shouted. "Are they crazy? Are they crazy?"

American Politics Journal has pointed out time and again that the Republican members of the House Judiciary Committee were obviously chosen for their lack of intellect, their gullibility to serve on Judiciary, and their talent for voting as a troop of baboons in lock step.

Gingrich watched tapes of the Committee's performance day after day as Henry Hyde -- an admitted adulterer and liar himself -- lead the Grand Old Party down the yellow brick road toward destruction.

What Gingrich hadn't counted on was Hyde being dotty enough to actually fashion a set of trumped up "Articles of Impeachment" and pass them to the Republican-controlled Senate -- to help them commit suicide as well.

But Hyde did it, and it is rumored that Gingrich has an 11 x 17 picture of the photo-op showing Hyde turning this hot potato over to the Secretary of the Senate -- grinning like the fool he is. Newt uses it as a dart board.

By that time, Newt already knew that the media was on the trail of card charge slips allegedly showing his zealousness for Platinum Card hookers which he seems to have shared with favorite GOP "orgy pals" in the Beltway. In one way, the Hyde mistakes left Gingrich with a dramatic out -- he could now take the blame for the trouncing of Republicans in the November elections and depart poste haste (in mock shame).

Gingrich, who is in essence a moderate -- at least by Christian Coalition standards -- never liked Trent Lott, and a part of him is just loving the fact that Lott has neither the brains nor the heart to handle the "Trial of the Century" with any semblance of wisdom. Newt, now facing a life without a job -- any job -- sits at home and giggles watching Lott botch the job hour by hour.

Yesterday, the all-Republican, all-the-time "prosecution team" met to talk strategy on how they will present their case to the much wiser and far more prudent Senators -- most of whom will try to be out of town on "emergencies" concocted in their home states. The two-hour session of the Managers was a near riot. Bob Barr is reputed to have stood up and rebuked his colleagues for being a "bunch of wusses!" Henry Hyde was gulping his heart pills, and Lindsey Graham was actually weeping that he'd never be re-elected.

In their desperation, they decided to go for broke (as they have been doing successfully) and tell Lott that they will be calling witnesses! Now that's a huge laugh inasmuch as the group, again in lock step, has been telling "the American People" over and over again that no witnesses are needed to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the President is guilty of high crimes and misdemeanors against the Constitution in that he lied about copping a feel in the hallway off the Oval Office.

Trent Lott immediately put out the SOS to Tom Daschle (D-SD), the Senate Minority Leader, begging him to support a "no witness -- no time" posture in an effort to avoid Hyde's stupidity.

Lott is so panicked that he is publicly begging Democrats to "calm down," signaling that he doesn't take anything the House Judiciary Republicans say seriously.

Under Lott's plan, there will be a gag-provoking "ceremony" opening the Senate "trial" on January 7th. During the Ceremony, Chief Justice and Nixon butt-boy Bill Rehnquist, perhaps clothed in royal purple robes with ermine borders, will actually "swear in" the Senate as "jurors."/FONT>

It makes me chortle just to envision it. Can you see Tim Russert trying to hide his erection and Sam Donaldson trying his damnedest to get one?

After the "ceremony" there will, of course, be a three-day hiatus so the mainstream media can beat the drums and stir the public to watch more of their inane ADM commercials. Of course, virtually no one will watch the networks or their cable twins. Most will watch C-SPAN just to avoid the toxic "analysis' of the Tim Russerts of the world and the hired hit-woman "policy experts" from the Independent Women's Forum out to assassinate Clinton politically.

Rep. Bill "The Fly" McCollum (R-FL) -- voted most likely to be defeated by his kindergarten class -- is a "senior" member of the Management Team prosecuting Clinton. He claims that yesterday's meeting resulted in a "consensus" that witnesses should be called.

However, there was no vote because everyone was fighting "like teenage girls" according to our source. McCollum is a fool if he thinks the Senate will listen to the likes of Linda Tripp and Monica's mom Marcia Lewis for three or four months.

But then, he is a fool isn't he?

Wiser heads are, of course, prevailing. Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) -- now enmired in the Utah Olympics Scandal -- has basically thrown in the towel and admitted publicly that the President could not possibly be thrown out of office.

Mark my words: Hatch is the one Republican to watch and listen to.

The only question here is whether the President will stand for censure. We think he should not. Let the Republicans have their two-hour trial and then vote. Once the Republicans are defeated, Bill Clinton should present the Presidential Finger to the lot of them (excuse the pun) and continue with his improving golf game. He should refuse to sign their silly censure resolution and tell his Democrat "friends" to take a hike as well.

He should then can Ken Starr, who remains the subject of at least four investigations into allegations of felony conduct, on national television -- then push Janet Reno to indict Newt Gingrich, Dan Burton, Haley Barbour and the other Republi"cons" -- who should be serving time at "Club Fed" rather than nosing into the President's private life -- on evidence uncovered in the ongoing Justice Department investigations into criminal campaign fund money laundering (including the GOP's own humiliating "China Connections").

We guarantee that Bill Clinton's approval rating would rise to 85%.

-- Mac MacArthur