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March 26, 2000 -- WASHINGTON -- This weekend saw a lot of talk about foreign news -- Russian elections and the Papal pilgrimage to the Middle East -- among the Beltway's TV opinion ayatollahs.
Here's what we saw:
Fox Noise Sunday
Tony sounded "pumped up" at the top of FNS -- as he announced his guests, House Speaker Dennis Hastert and Minnesota's Jesse "The Governor" Ventura.
Hastert was up first, and Tony pressed Hastert on the "lack of trust" between himself and House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt. Hastert made a lot (too much) of a "non-partisan handshake" between the two early last year as he slammed Gephardt and Dems for partisanship.
Um... yeah, as if that Impeachment Thing never happened, Denny...
Mara pressed Hastert on the House Chaplain debacle, and Hastert again blamed the Democrats for a fiasco in his own party. In fact, Southern Bible Thumper GOPers and "evangelical" lobbyists were trying to block the appointment of Father Coughlin, a Catholic priest, to the Chaplain post! Hastert was lying by omission.
Mara also pressed Hastert on having gotten behind a tax cut "much, much smaller" than that proposed by Shrubya. We were so shocked (not) when Hastert slammed the Clinton Administration -- but it was a tacit admission that he and his party have been outflanked. He quickly switched topics -- to the gas price "crisis," saying that Energy Secretary Richardson admitted that the Clinton Administration was "asleep at the switch."
What a riot -- especially now that it looks like the price "hardliners" in OPEC who are driving prices up all seem to be in the debt of Bush Daddy.
Tony pressed Hastert on gas taxes, and Hastert touted domestic oil pumping. Tony also mentioned that Dems are pressing for fuel efficiency and "alternate fuels;" this gave Hastert an opening to praise ethanol.
Dwayne Andreas thanks you from the bottom of his heart, Dennis!
Hastert did not answer Mara's question about whether he thought that tobacco was addictive, and said that Congress has the right to regulate tobacco -- he does not want to "hand [regulation] to the [Clinton] Administration."
No surprise there -- tobacco is a key co-owner of the GOP and surely fear what is going to happen when Dems take the House and possibly the Senate next year. This leaves the homicidal tobacco industry only one year to obstruct legislation, and they are scrambling to put their fingers in a rapidly collapsing dike.
Mara asked "what kind of message it sends to the American people when Republicans are not getting behind George Bush's tax cut?" What a riot -- as if what the GOP gets behind is actually supported by the American people, and as if tax issues even resonate anymore! Doesn't Mara read the polls? Hastert essentially said that Bush would take care of it once he was President.
Right. And pigs will sprout wings.
Tony gave Hastert an opening to slam Mrs. Clinton over the use of government planes to travel between New York and Washington. Of course, you'll never see these two talking about the fact that the First Lady, who has been the target of death threats, is entitled to Secret Service protection and government transportation -- and is reimbursing the government for these flights in full accordance with laws supported by the GOP!
On the matter of Dan Melonhead Burton's investigation of missing emails (read: the buggy email software the White House was using five years ago), Hastert accused Janet Reno of "helping" the White House to "cover up" the matter.
What a joke. Hastert must assume that only red-meat Clinton-haters watch FNS and believe every word they hear. Any "sysadmin" will tell you that mail server software in use half a decade ago -- no matter the platform, no matter the program -- was subject to all sorts of bugs and glitches. Burton and even Homewrecker Hyde have already made fools of themselves over this nonscandal -- now Hastert wants to get in on the action lest he miss his chance at a dunce cap!
Burton would have better luck uncovering wrongdoing if he had the brains and stones to look into Linda Tripp's abuse of her Pentagon email account to respond to individuals writing to her fundraising web site.
A taped interview with Jesse Ventura followed. Jesse was in a mellow mood -- for Jesse, that is. He was quick on the comeback and just as smart-alecky as Tony Snow. Few people remember that Ventura was at one time a sportscaster and talk-show host -- he's been on both sides of the interview desk and it shows.
"Is the Reform Party dead?" asked Tony. Jesse recounted his split from the party -- he left along with a splinter group of Reformers. Will he endorse anyone? Jesse's not so sure; if he does, he said, it will have to wait until October or November.
Jesse also said that he is "sick and tired of the presidential campaign already!" We loved it -- Jesse was dissing the two main parties AND the press!
Tony tried to get Jesse to go along with the idea of "meeting" with Bush Baby, but after a little skeptical back-and-forth (Jesse had that trademark "Are you out of your mind" look that pops up when someone asks him a ridiculous question), he said it was not a good idea because Bush is a Republican! We were sort of surprised Tony even asked the question. In response to Tony's "what about Nader and Buchanan" question concerning a reform candidate, Jesse said he would not endorse Buchanan.
Good! Jesse may come across as a madman, but political outsiders listen to him, and his terse dismissal of BuKKKanan helps assure that those fed up with two-party politics think twice about getting behind Pat.
Ventura also said that he probably would not reunite with the Reform party even if his ally Jack Gargan manages to win his suit against the party in Virginia.
On the matter of whether the Reform Party nominee should be allowed to participate in the Presidential debate as a major party, Jesse fully supports that idea -- and added that he feels McCain could win as an independent candidate. Would Jesse endorse McCain? Not if he's a Republican, said Jesse -- in other words, if McCain splits, yes.
Ventura also said that he would be testifying in front of Congress concerning trade this week -- and got a laugh out of Tony and us when he refused to "preview" what he plans to say, encouraging viewers to watch his testimony and telling Tony himself to tune in and cover it!
We loved it!
Ventura said that he's been invited to China, and the Clinton Administration has asked Ventura to "take a lead" on trade with China.
Gun control: "You can't blame guns, you have to blame people... it's a case of good parenting, it's a case of responsibility."
Should we be spending taxpayer money on chaplains? "I always thought there was a separation of church and sate... I always though government was there to do what you couldn't do for yourself... You can do religion for yourself." But he added, sarcastically, "For some of the things they do, they do need a chaplain!"
We loved it -- so did Tony.
Before Tony welcomed Hillary Clinton's campaign manager, Bill DeBlasio, he mentioned that Hillary has pulled ahead of Rudy Giuliani in New York according to the not-so-reliable Zogby Poll. Bill slammed Rudy for dividing blacks from whites. Tony then cited a drop in police shootings under Rudy (over the previous mayor, David Dinkins). "How is it divisive?" Bill said that a "loss of opportunity" for Rudy had occurred, especially between the clergy and the City Hall-police access.
Bill should have also debunked Tony's numbers -- before and during the Dinkins mayoral tenure, there was this thing called the "crack epidemic."
Mara slammed Hillary for "lack of respect for the police" -- and Bill firmly shoved the issue back down Mara's throat, saying that the clergy and Hillary want better community-police relations. Brit Hume tried to claim a "political embrace" between Hillary and Al Sharpton -- a stupid comment from Hume based on a failing attempt by the RNC to "tie" Hillary to Reverend Al and exploit racism . Bill "clarified" -- Hillary appeared once with Rev. Sharpton on Martin Luther King Day and essentially said that she is not an "ally" of Sharpton -- in fact, he added, she does not agree with Sharpton on many, many issues, but supports his initiatives to improve relations between the community and city government.
we're not hearing enough of this -- the press seems to cast Sharpton as anti-white, anti-Semitic and a "supporter" of Tawana Brawley when he has gone out of his way to reach out to other communities and many years ago actually repudiated Brawley's dishonesty (he, like many others -- including some in the press -- was hoodwinked by Brawley and her lawyers, who were sanctioned for their tactics).
Mara, like an idiot, tried to claim that Hillary had been "evasive" on specifics as to what she and Sharpton disagree on. Juan piled on by bringing up the "reimburse taxpayers for her use of government planes" issue, which only gave Bill the opportunity to say she has reimbursed all the money she is legally required to.
Juan then touched on the issue of "gaming" in upstate New York -- and Bill was evasive on this matter. But when talk turned to Elian Gonzalez, Bill said that Hillary wants to see this resolved using the legal process, and fast. Hume tried to make Hillary look hypocritical by saying Hillary was supposed to be interested in family issues. Bill fired back that she was -- and the longer this gets dragged out, the worse it is for Elian and his family.
Tony brought up an artwork at the Whitney Museum that essentially compares Giuliani to Hitler. Bill avoided an answer. We think he should have said it is unfair to equate Rudy to Hitler -- Franco or Mussolini would be more appropriate.
Bill did not exactly come across as the strongest advocate for Hillary. He allowed himself to be put on the defensive too much, and should have counterpunched more vigorously, especially on the GOP's Sharpton race-baiting.
Panel time! Fox "O-Spin-ion" Dynamics poll numbers still have Bush beating Gore -- and (hurrah) Pat Buchanan at 3%. Who will do the most to win, even if it's unethical? Bush edges Gore!
Talk turned to the fake White House e-mail "scandal" -- does it hurt Al Gore? Tony claimed that some of the e-mails might have something to do with the Hsi Lai Temple fundraiser. Hume smugly proclaimed "people" don't believe the White House, Mara said this plays into Bush's claim that Al Gore is unethical -- and said she talked to a Dem who said the best thing the White House can do is release the e-mails. Juan said it creates static that Gore does not need -- and brought up Ken Starr, Robert Ray, and a possible indictment of Clinton.
Tony got one thing right -- think of how stupid a lot of your own e-mails are!
On the other hand, imagine what would happen if one of those e-mails contained a threat by some nutcase who wanted to see the First Lady dead. Then you'd see nobody complaining about the cost of her flights -- except for lunatics Dan Burton and Bob Barr.
Talk turned to the shooting of Patrick Dorismund, an unarmed Haitian immigrant, by New York cops. Mara gave Hillary some snide advice -- don't look as if you're criticizing cops. Duuuuh, Mara -- that's political campaigning 101. And if you're implying that she has, then you're a liar. Hume essentially claimed that Hillary was knocking Rudy and the cops. Juan slammed Rudy for releasing Dorismund's "record."
Juan, he didn't "release" an accurate "record" -- in fact, it turns out he lied about Dorismund, but we have yet to see anyone in the mainstream media focus in on that!
Juan also said that Hillary has to "separate" herself from Sharpton. Hey, Juan -- listen to her campaign manager -- have they ever been united by anything or anyone other than Jim Nicholson and GOP strategists? She's no more tied to Sharpton than you are to W. Bush.
Mara said that Hillary's zeroing in on Rudy's temperament -- and Rudy continues to sound like he's a little over the line.
Tony's final comment focused on those nosy census forms -- the short forms ask about race, and the long forms ask about how many rooms there are in your house, where you work, and so on -- and while you could go to jail if you don't do your census form, a census official reassures us that they aren't invading anyone's privacy!
The McLaugh-In Group
"Pope" John and His Ouch-Bishops -- With Barone In Exile!
Issue one: Putin' Along! Pope John had exiled Michael Barone to Moscow to report on Russian elections. Barone said that Putin is "playing the Chechnya card." Jay Carney asked if Putin plans a dramatic move to please the Russian people. Barone cited Putin's refusal to say what he'd do about the economy -- and the sudden endorsement of Putin by small parties that opposed him.
Oooooooh -- how ominous.
Larry Kudlow asked about the possibility of economic reform in the wake of a stronger (ha, ha) Russian economy. Barone hinted at more state control. Eleanor Clift asked if Chechnya is regarded as a victory. Barone said that Putin is saying that the Chechen cause has been defeated, but there are still guerillas in the southern mountains -- and Putin wants "that 50%" of the popular vote as a mandate to "close" the situation militarily.
Tony Blankley asked if Putin is going to reign in "the oligarchs." Barone mentioned Russian billionaire Berezovsky, saying that the rich oligarchs (read: Mafioski) "would be treated equally" as average citizens.
In response to a question from Pope John, Barone compared Putin to the late Charles DeGaulle, who was able to get the France to unite behind a great cause."
Kudlow asked about currency preferences -- and Barone said that in the higher-end stores, items are priced in US Dollars, and crisp, new bills are preferred.
Tony and Jay said that they feared that Putin would restrict freedoms in the interest of stability, and Barone almost sounded enthusiastic as he forecast Putin using some authoritarian means to rein in oligarchs and corruption.
Sounds familiar -- like, say, post-Weimar Germany.
Issue two (we could see this coming) was a tribute to Pope John Paul II -- but John asked what Ehud Barak thinks of the Pope cozying up to Yassir Arafat? Clift said that Barak seemed quite pleased with the Pope's visit. John asked Kudlow if there's been too much silence over Pope Pius XII -- and Kudlow said NO! John quoted nearly a dozen WWII-era articles in the New York Times quoting the Vatican criticizing the Nazi invasion in Poland and citing Pius XII "intervening " on behalf of Jews" -- giving Kudlow the opportunity to cast modern research into Pius XII's all-too-cozy relations with Nazi Germany and Mussolini's Italy as suspect. Eleanor Clift said that nobody spoke up enough -- and Tony pointed out that the Vatican could well have been shut down by Nazis and their Italian allies.
Finally, John got to congratulate Father Coughlin, the new House Chaplain, and Dennis Hastert for appointing him -- then slammed Hastert for bringing the chaplain fiasco "on himself."
Oh, reeeeeeeeeeally, John? Like DeLay, Armey and the 700 Club Faction of the House had nothing to do with it?
John then talked about McCain's return to the Senate -- and found time to slam Gore as a campaign finance hypocrite. Tony lamented the lack of coverage of McCain slamming Gore over campaign finance issues. Jay said that McCain is being cautious, saying nice things about Bush, for whom McCain has no love lost. Kudlow said that contrary to what McCain said, he would accept the Veep slot if it were offered to him.
Predictions! Kudlow: Microsoft will not be broken up -- that's why the NASDAQ went up this week. Eleanor: The Million Moms March on Mothers Day will "shock" the GOP-controlled Congress into voting for gun control legislation. Tony: the CIA's estimate on the likelihood of war between Taiwan and China will "force" a major policy decision in the administration within the next month or two. Jay: within a month, Bush Baby will give a major speech "dramatically trying to reposition [himself] towards the center" and angering conservatives. Pope John: the ACEC will recommend extending the tax moratorium on the Internet.
Face the Nation
Bob Schieffer's first guest: Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, who was about to meet with President Clinton and Syrian President Hafez Assad. Albright detailed the current state of Middle East peace talks -- and said that Clinton wants to reassess the present situation. Schieffer recounted Sandy Berger's assessment of differences between Israel and Syria as irreconcilable -- and Albright's response implied that it may be the case.
Schieffer asked about rumors that talks may be extended by one day and that Albright may head for Jerusalem. Albright said "that is up in the air."
Schieffer then turned to Russian elections and Putin's claim that he would "restore order." Albright said that Putin has, in many conversations with him, shown a willingness to work together with the US in many areas, especially economic, and there are areas of disagreement (such as Chechnya). The question, she said, is "will it be order with a capital 'O'?"
Has anyone in the administration talked with the new President of Taiwan? Albright said that as far as she knew, no. How does she feel about the situation? In the last few days, said Albright, nervousness has dissipated and the new president wants a dialogue -- which is in line with the U.S. "One China" policy.
Schieffer then welcomed Steven Parrish of Philip Morris and Rep. Henry Waxman. Waxman is introducing legislation that would allow the FDA to regulate tobacco -- Schieffer asked if there was even a chance of the legislation passing. Waxman hoped so, but did not sound hopeful. Schieffer mentioned House has-been-to-be J.C. Watts having said that the FDA should stick with regulating life-saving drugs and America should go the Nancy Reagan "Just say no" path. Waxman praised Nancy as a moral voice -- then said the "Just say no" was and is a failure. Waxman said he supports a regulatory scheme to help stop the real problem of kids smoking.
Schieffer quoted David Kessler, who feared that regulation might create "social acceptance" of smoking among kids (i.e., making it cooler). Waxman said that the goal is to stop kids from smoking -- and he does not foresee tobacco companies going out of business.
Parrish tried to claim that he wanted to see regulation worked out, and he wants to spend time talking to members of Congress (in other words, the tobacco industry is on the defensive). He is concerned about sending the right message to the public (in other words, it had better not hurt the stock value). He said that the government should have an appropriate role in regulating tobacco (in other words, the tobacco industry is gonna take it on the chin) but that the FDA should not be the agency (in other words, they're scared and on the run). He wants to "advance the ball on regulation" (in other words, prevent regulation). Parrish also weasel-worded an answer about "safe cigarettes" and admitted it's safer to quit than smoke.
Schieffer asked what specifics would be acceptable, and Parrish did not answer, instead -- again -- saying he wanted to sit down and talk with Congress about acceptable ideas (manufacturing processes, labeling, etc.).
Schieffer's final word -- on John McCain's return to the Senate. He pointed out the irritation many Senators felt at the attention given to it by the press, and the perfunctory welcome he got from many of his colleagues. Schieffer pointed out that McCain has gotten an awful lot of people interested in politics -- and that he has very real clout.
We think Schieffer should have gone a step further -- that McCain is still eligible for matching funds, has not released his delegates and has enough states to challenge every plank of the GOP platform. He's got more juice than any Republican in the Senate -- including Trent "Extra Starch" Lott.
Eat the Press
Fat Tim slams Putin... Chris Cox blathers idiotically... Butler butts in... and Trent Lott with extra starch!
Russert went after Russian government-controlled programming this morning claiming that Vladimir Putin controls the media and that one Putin-controlled TV show said that Jews and Gays were not the best people and that "they" controlled one of Putin's challengers.
Shades of George Bush's advertising campaign!
Congressman Chris Cox (R-Loser-to-be, CA) refused to say that the Kremlin controlled the station that aired this story. Cox may have been worried about pissing off Putin -- who will win this election in the corrupt Russian state (corrupt -- but fun, like Chicago) -- but we think Cox is a pussy and the voters of his Southern California District should throw this lyncher out.
A Russian spokesman, pretending not to be a mouthpiece for Putin, said he said he thinks that it is okay that Putin is going to stock his cabinet with former KGB thugs -- because he wants to make reforms. Ha, ha, ha! Reforms -- right! Russert quoted some mafia don in Russia who said that Putin will not dare to challenge organized crime in Russia -- which the Putin spokesman calls, instead of the mob, "Capitalism or a Market Economy" -- and that it would be a mistake for Putin to challenge the Russian Mob (similar to the American Mob led by Rockefeller and Ford) at this point.
On the matter of Putin surrounding himself with KGB agents, Cox said it is not surprising because Putin trusts these old "friends" -- ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Cox then called the mob leader quoted above an "oligarch" instead of a "criminal" -- and that he is. Cox said he thinks that crime is fine as long as the country is a democracy and a market economy -- Stalin, anyone?
Cox watched his words carefully instead of hitting Putin as the creep he is. Have you ever seen a picture of him? He looks like Satan -- crossed with Tom DeLay.
The Spokes-Ken-Doll for Putin said that the people of Russia are proud of Putin for murdering Chechnyans and leveling their entire nation. Now, we really don't care about Chechnya -- and if it were Texas, we'd be for leveling it as well (should Texas secede from the Union), but we do know that Putin is a warmonger.
Russert, who thinks he is a spokesman for the United States and the American People (yeah, right) asked his questions as if he were a big fat prosecutor trying to get an indictment from a grand jury.
Russert then turned to a news story that claims Saddam is building nukes with the help of Iraq and Sudan.
Sudan?
And who else did he welcome to Eat the Press but the liar/quitter and darling of the ultra-right, Richard Butler, who is:
(1) not an American and
(2) one the foulest crybabies on earth, always quick to try and feather his own empty nest.
The usual ADM commercials followed -- plus the awful Bayer commercial which touts the double meaning phrase, "Try to explain to your best buddy that he can't come inside." Think about it.
Russert, who believes everything he reads, quoted -- of all people -- idiot supreme William "Satire," who claims he has "inside information" that Saddam is financing a nuke plant in Sudan (sure) to "rebuild" his missiles. Butler claimed he talked to some freak called Amir Rashid who told Butler -- like we do -- "Get lost!" when Butler asked him about some "SCUD-specific fuel."
SCUD-specific fuel? What's that? Fuel is fuel. We're sure it would work in many of our missiles, too.
Saddam, we are sure, is trying to rebuild his army and his missiles. But what do we expect? He we are, controlling a country about 12 hours away by plane, a country that dared to challenge the single most hideous and corrupt government in the Middle East, namely Kuwait. We are pretending that Saddam had no right to wage war against a nation that sells us oil at very high prices.
What a joke. Saddam and Kuwait -- and the Saudis and the rest of these Middle Eastern morons who hold America hostage -- ought to "removed." So what is this BS? Why don't we simply level all these nations?
Of course, we are joking -- but to select one nation, including all the women and children of that nation, for starvation and demonization, is just as ridiculous.
If the U.S. wants to dominate the region, then send in the troops and rid the world of all these "Shieky" thugs once and for all. If not, than stop parading morons like Butler on television who think that WE should have all of the weapons of mass destruction, but no one else can have them.
Trent "Ironing Board" Lott was the next guest. Lott said that Richard Butler is his hero! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- and we always though Kenneth Starr was his hero! Lott said that Satire's report should be a "huge alarm" to all of us. Lott said he wants to insist we get inspectors back in there and include Russia in this scheme. Lott said we need Iraq's oil.
The idiot admits that we are buying 700,000 barrels of oil from -- SADDAM!!!! Does this look like a Hoke or what?
Lott said he thinks that Saddam is just horrible for threatening to cut off his supply of oil to the U.S.
Huh? Let me ask you this, Mr. "Extra Starch" -- what would you do? Would you continue to provide oil to the U.S. while all the time the U.S. is threatening to remove you from power, kill you, flatten your country?
What the Hell is going on here?
What's good the goose is good for the gander: if the official US position is that the entire Arab peninsula OWES us all their oil, whenever we want it -- and at low prices -- then we should be prepared to kill them all because none of them preside over democracies, all of them mistreat either their own people or people they enslave to serve them, and all have judicial systems similar to the Inquisition, only Islamic-style. In addition, the only free-market economy in Arabville is in the back pants pocket of their Royal Families who only a few years ago lived in filthy tents and washed with camel dung.
Lott is worried about Vladimir Putin, but held his snaky tongue. Lott added that we should fight the Colombian Drug War -- but the budget is too big. He would be "willin' to do it quick and clean."
We assume he means he would level Colombia with a H-bomb.
Russert said he would return to cover McCain's return to the Senate. And anyone who said he thinks Russert is nonpartisan should have his head examined, as Russert was the self-appointed champion of McCain throughout the recent primary season. As a matter of fact, just listen to Don Imus talk about his pal "Fat Tim" and describe Russert's temper tantrums and near tears when McCain lost the nomination! Russert, and probably his real boss "JackOff" Welch of General Electric -- who owns Russert - wanted McCain to win because McCain was the only man running who had a prayer of beating Gore. Russert hates Gore's guts and makes no bones about it among his friends. He considers Gore and extension of Clinton -- the man who made a world-class fool of Russert and his friends, including the despicable "preacher" Bill Bennett and every Clinton hater that Russert has trotted out week after week to bash Gore and Clinton. Imus said that Russert was mad with anger and disappointment when McCain met his fate. We believe him.
After a break, Lott said that people are sick of high oil prices. Lott called everyone who does not agree with him "The Washington Elite!" What a joke! What would he call himself, the Majority Leader of the Senate -- chopped liver?
Lott moaned that he is so worried about the fact that the U.S. is 54% "dependent" on OPEC. He then attacked Norway!!!!! Ha, ha, ha -- because Norwegians aren't stupid enough to sell us their oil cheap when they pay $4.00 a gallon at the pump!
Trent wants to know how this happened and why.
Well, we will tell you, Trent: it happened because the rest of the world is sick of watching us pay less than a buck for a gallon of gas while the rest of the people on earth pay about $3.50 a gallon. It happened because they are sick of our greed and sick of us depleting their oil assets. So, either we say "Yes, we are pigs and we will kill you for your oil," or "We better get used to paying more to fire up our Range Rovers."
God, how stupid men think Lott presume we are.
Then liar Lott said that he will put the reversal of the Federal Gas Tax up for a vote.
Sure. If he cut the gas tax, the entire GOP pork-barrel roads program would go down the tubes. That vote will be a phony -- and if it happens at all, we'll be surprised. No matter what, it will go down to defeat.
Lott lied again, saying he could have passed all the gun safety bills years ago -- but that the President stopped him! Our entire staff was beside themselves with laughter! Can you believe this liar? It has gotten to the point where anyone in Washington can lie and people like Russert just let them do it -- unless of course, Russert dislikes them. Then they aren't allowed to lie unless they are lying WITH Russert..
Tim said he's been to gun shows! We wonder why. Russert then pushed Lott to accept the three-day hold on giving anyone a gun at gun shows. Lott said why not spend the money to make all the checks instant (so people would not have to wait to kill each other)?
Lott said you find articles like the recent New York Times study which show that 80% of the people pay only 10% of the taxes in this nation. He said you wouldn't see any of these kinds of stories (true stories) in the Pascagoula Press, a ninth-rate Mississippi rag written in third-grade Mississippi English.
Russert then quoted McCain, saying that the GOP will end up in the dustbin of history. By the way, McCain stole this heavy phrase from a Democrat -- Tom Lantos -- talking about Republicans!
But Russert was right, and Lott jumped in to defend the giant ship (that we don't need) that is being built right now in little Trent's state. In fact, guess where? Pascagoula, Mississippi! How stupid can you be?
Lott would not support McCain for VP. He wants Kasich.
Lott then stupidly added that we will save 700 MILLION by building "the aircraft carrier" now -- even though just a minute before he said that it WAS NOT an aircraft carrier.
Russert then hit the Clintons twice, first on the phony e-mail story and next on the fact that Mrs. Clinton flies on Air Force planes (at the insistence of the Secret Service) and pays for them, but according to Russert, not enough (shades of the same stunt having been pulled on Fox Noise Sunday). Of course, Lott agreed with Russert that the First Lady of the United States -- who is under constant threat of assassination -- should simply rent a plane from United Airlines "like we all do" - another lie! Lott does not generally take commercial flights planes -- he takes free rides on corporate jets owned by Pascagoula shipbuilders.
What a fraud he is.
If only Mississippians would realize how embarrassing it is to have a girly-man like Lott representing them, a cretinous liar who uses 3 cans of hair spray on his blow-dried locks, irons his shirts in his office AFTER they come back from the laundry -- and cares more about his makeup than any other living politician.
This Weak!
Oh, God! Cockie used her mother (Stewardess to the Vatican) to get an "inside track" on the Pope's visit to the Holy Land. Of course, they missed all the really important news.
And guess what? Has George Will really quit? He wasn't on This Weak this week.
Spam said that Clinton is meeting with Hafez Assad of Syria to try and rescue the peace talks. They are in Geneva -- and that is a great place to be. Believe us.
Assad is of course holding out for more money from the U.S. and its allies. That's what this is about, and that's what it's always about -- spending your money to pay off foreign maniacs.
Cockie did her Mommy proud covering the Pope. The Pope went to the Western Wall and consulted to the Chief Mufti -- which is akin to consulting the Chief Muppet on matters of state.
The Pope put a message in the wailing wall for God. He asked that God see us committing ourselves to peace and each other.
At the Shrine of the Holy Sepulcher -- which Mac MacArthur swears is the place where one can touch the body of God -- the Pope ended his tour of loving.
He did a great job. But he ought to get rid of those silly mitre hats.
Spam got an interview with Prime Minister Ehud Barak of Israel, who looks far too much like a Honey Bear for comfort. Barak loved the Papal visit, adding he though he would never see the Pope in Israel. He was flowing over with love for Rome. Of course, Spam had to put a damper on it by bringing up the fact that some Jews -- very few, actually -- were disappointed because the Pope did not apologize for the alleged inaction of the Catholic Church -- and specifically Pope Pius XII the Non-Pious for not intervening more strongly with Hitler. Pius's apologists claim that that Pope was frightened that he would get Hitler madder and that Hitler would consequently kill more Jews. But what people should look at vis-à-vis Pius XII was that Hitler was also murdering Catholics by the thousands, and Pius XII didn't want to inflame Hitler to go farther. He was caught between a rock and hard place. So we forgive him -- even though half our staff have Jewish roots.
Anyway, the Pope is doddier that Reagan, so who can demand much from him today except his real tears for the dead at the hands of Adolf Hitler, which he shed mightily this week.
Barak said he thinks that the Pope may have helped the peace process. He said he thinks that the meeting today with Clinton and Assad will "reveal the masks" of all the players -- but he does not know what the outcome will be.
Spam wants to know if Clinton knows Barak' s positions. Well, of course he does -- you moron.
Barak wants early warning systems, a small standing army and other security systems. He wants an end of terrorism from the filth that perpetrate it -- on all sides.
Spam asked another stupid question. Would Barak be willing to go to Damascus if "things work out?" Again -- well, of course he would -- you moron.
Spam said he wants to know if it's okay with Barak that Arafat declares a Palestinian State in Israel. Barak doesn't really answer, but said he will try. The leader of Likud, Eric Shun (or some such), said that the Palestinian state is being accomplished de facto without any agreement. But Likud said today that they would not agree to any agreement that Assad, Barak and Clinton may work out today or tomorrow. Who knows? An agreement is only as good as the men who sign it. Barak will not give Arafat East Jerusalem -- and that's that.
Spam said that all these problems seem to be "insolvable." He meant unsolvable. Or maybe Spam meant insoluble. Barak laughs at his command of English and then doesn't answer the stupid follow-up question which was something like, "How can you enjoy your job?"
Then Spam said that Golda Meir almost lost the country! What the hell is Spam talking about? Golda was never in such a position. Not really. Only idiot reporters like Donaldson thought so.
Barak said he doesn't care what the Likud Party said. They have no real power in Israel anyway. He reminded Spam that the Jews talked with the Germans and the Poles who cooperated with Hitler. Of course, he said, we will talk to anyone to gain peace for all concerned.
Spam reminded us that Barak can be tough. He helped eliminate members of Black September hiding out in Europe -- "with his own hands." The camera pulled back and we were sure Spam had a boner (please excuse us, ladies, but that line was written by another lady who knows Spam for what he is).
King Abdullah of Jordan (son of Hussein) said he thinks that this is the last chance for peace in the Middle East. He is right. When Clinton goes and if Gore is not there to take his place, so does any chance of peace for Israel, the Palestinians, Syria, Egypt and Lebanon. No Republican will ever be able to conduct such talks so well -- they are all too stupid now. Can you imagine George W. making peace in Israel? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. His answer would be to kill all the leaders and then summarily execute all the peoples in the Middle East who did not toe the Bush line. That is his brand of compassionate conservatism.
There is a bumper sticker we offer: "Send your poor, your tired, and your hungry to Texas... and we'll execute them!"
Yassir Arafat, someone you would trust to baby-sit you kids but would never trust with a time bomb, was on next with Cockie.
She asked even dumber questions than Spam asked of Barak.
It was appropriate for Cockie to meet with Arafat -- since she is probably a Lou'siana Catholic Jew-hater. She sure helped to finish off Jesse Jackson, with her mother leading the pack, when they planned the embarrassing DNC Convention schedule making sure Jackson could not be heard (until 2 AM) by anyone.
We were there. We know what this creepy mother and daughter did.
Arafat said he wants all the Palestinian refugees to return as well. Arafat asked Cockie where she is from. She answered -- cringing -- "Louisiana" Arafat asked her if she would be happy to stay in Australia if she were pushed there.
Then Cockie asked a Hillary-bashing question about not slapping Mrs. Arafat -- the big blonde swine -- when she called for an end to Israelis poisoning the water of Palestinians. Arafat said while he wishes everyone the best, he cannot interfere. Ha, ha, ha!
Was Mrs. Arafat put up to embarrassing the First Lady because Arafat had made a deal with soul mate Rudy Giuliani to allow him to take over Israel if Rudy got into the Senate as Foreign Relations Committee Chairnazi? Maybe.
Now for a real laugh! Imagine this: George Staphylococcus interviewing an Arab about the Pope's visit. It was a riot. Staph called the meeting between Assad and Clinton another symbol of hope as was the Pope. ABC never told us who this Arab was except when Cockie muttered his name, introducing the loser "Brutus" Staph. But we can tell you who the handsome Arab was: it was Abdullah the Lion Emperor of Jordan, son of King Hussein and stepson of the very foxy Queen Noor. Staph, of course, never told us his name nor called him by name.
Staph wanted to know what all this peace will cost. He never asked Abdullah how he was doing as the new King of Jordan inasmuch as King Hussein has only been dead a relatively short time.
Staph wanted us to think he's a real top international negotiator and asked lots of questions about this "track" and that "track" Abdullah said he wants a brighter future for the Iraqis and end the suffering for the Iraqi people. "Does that mean the sanctions have to go?" asked the idiot Staph.
Of course Abdullah wouldn't answer that. He just reminded Staph that all the people of the Middle East are suffering from the Iraqi punishment.
Abdullah said that the hardest thing for him to handle is the difference between his military service and his new job as King. Danger be damned, he said (his grandfather was assassinated) -- he wants Jordan to be the best country in the region, even in the world. He said he wants Jordan to be a special place.
Gee, maybe we'll consider moving there! Staph then said, "Your MAJESTY, thank you very much."
Ha, ha, ha, ha. He must have been creaming in his jeans. This was the first time anyone let the little traitor near a head of state since he stabbed Clinton in the back! Also, rumors abound that Staph wants to be a Queen -- maybe Abdullah might make him his second wife.
Abdullah, if you are reading, don't ever accept an offer from ABC or Staphylococcus to be interviewed again by this twerp. And never shower with him. Stephanopoulos is a dangerous man -- a traitor to his country and to his President. You should never give him the honor of speaking with him or even to him, ever again.
Gillian Finley, whoever she is, was in the roundtable which was held outside in the hills of Israel.
But -- they did say that George Will will be back next week.
Hey, George! Come on. Don't be stupid. Dump this gang of idiots.
They all sat around kissing the Pope's ass -- er, ring.. But why not? Gillian Finley is the ABC Middle East correspondent. She is, of course, blonde and statuesque -- something Middle Eastern potentates slobber over and even kidnap and enslave when they get the chance.
We wondered whether she is related to Ann Jillian - they look similar and think alike. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Yes, we are being adolescent. So what? We are trying to make this pap fun and at least somewhat memorable than the talking heads that distort when they should be reporting fact, committing character assassination when they are supposed to be analyzing complex political situations.
Staph then piped up and said, "Sometimes you think that the Catholics created the Holocaust." Huh? What the heck is he talking about? Maybe Staph said he thinks that! What a moron.
Cockie said she thinks that Truman recognized the state of Israel because he had a Jewish friend. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Then Spam -- thankfully lucid for a moment -- reminded Papal foot-sucker Cockie and her Mommy that the Vatican did not recognize Israel until 1993! That's nearly fifty years after everyone else on earth did. Maybe the Catholics DID cause the Holocaust! (Just kidding!)
Is Spam Jewish? We think so, but we'll have to check that fact.
Cockie lied and said that each leader they interviewed said that this week was the last chance for Middle East Peace. Assad wants his son to succeed him and Assad said he thinks that the only way this will happen is if Assad gets big bucks from the U.S.!!! So said Staph. But Assad's son will not take over in Syria -- because Syrians largely loathe Assad, who has to sleep in body armor.
Gillian the Fox said that the Jews are ready for the Palestinian state, but on their terms, not the Palestinians'. Spam defended the Israeli public and put down the Arabs.
Staph falls back on "Hey, it's time for a miracle -- and with the Pope being here, maybe there will be a miracle!"
He was absolutely serious. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- Staph, a Greek Orthodox, has no inkling that the Pope can cause miracles. As a matter of fact, the Greek Orthodox Church does not recognize the Pope as the head of anything save the Funny Hat Corps.
That was it for This Weak -- which, by the way, was far more interesting today than anytime during the past three years because it was more like a travelogue than a news talk show.
Oh, by the way... Cockie was sporting an entirely new face and hair style. We aren't sure if she had major plastic surgery or just a tuck and roll on her jowls, but she did look prettier -- more like an aging airline stewardess than her usual schoolmarm.
Cockie did arrange a treat for her Mommy -- the closing minutes of the show were devoted to a tear-jerker mini-film of the Pope's most Regal moments in the Holy Land. It moved us to tears as well -- tears of laughter at how openly political Cockie can really be.
Of course, the little dog turned on Bill Clinton pretty aggressively after he made her colossally corrupt mother our Ambassadorette to the Vatican.
But Cockie doesn't care. Whatever makes her enough money to leave Steve Roberts -- we think that's her goal.