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Off the Radar!
...Conservative Jock Joins Moralist Hypocrite Pantheon

by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Wednesday, April 12, 2000 -- LAS VEGAS (AmpolNS) -- Here's another politically-related news story that didn't make the radar--unless you happened to tune into ESPN this morning.

You may--or may not--have heard of one Mark Chmura. If you -- like The Doc, Mac, Liz, Morrie and the rest of the Ampol gang-- restrict your weekend television intake to America's real high-stakes sport, those political talk shows we so love to skewer in Pundit Pap, chances are you don't.

However, if you're a red-meat fan of football, especially a Wisconsin "Cheesehead," you have: he is a tight end for the Green Bay Packers.

And if you're a fan of, or regularly monitor, hate radio, you probably know that he's a big fan, friend, and champion of the once-porcine king of neo-Nazi propaganda, Rush Limbaugh.

You might even have been aware that he was the only Packers team member who outright refused to visit the White House after the team--not considered a strong prospect for even a shot at the playoffs--pulled off a spectacular win at the Super Bowl a couple years ago. He refused because he, like so many "ditto-tangs" in the loopy reactionary right universe, has been brainwashed into loathing President Clinton, although his specific, married-with-kids-moralist reason was that he was "appalled" at Clinton's consensual conduct with intern Monica Lewinsky.

Personally, I think the jock was a little jealous.

But I digress.

Last Saturday night, April 8th, a gentleman named Robert Gessert of Hartland, Wisconsin invited Chmura to attend his son's after-prom party, an event also attended by a number of girls from his son's school, Waukesha Catholic Memorial High School. One source reports that Gessert, being a gregarious and generous host, allowed the underage attendees to be served hard liquor -- which kind of conflicts with other reports that say Gessert and Chmura arrived at the party at 3:30 AM.

Before you could say "touchdown" -- or is it "home base?" -- it is alleged that our favorite moralist jock Mr. Chmura, attired for the festive occasion in his underwear and a towel, followed a 17-year-old girl into Gessert's bathroom and proceeded to have what can politely be called not-so-consensual intercourse with the girl. Additionally, an 18-year-old woman who also attended the party said Gessert fondled her in a hot tub.

Chmura was arrested on Monday and released from jail later in the day after posting a $5000 bond after police recommended charges of third-degree sexual assault

Chmura's attorney, Gerald Boyle, said following Chmura's release from police custody that "People are fair-minded. We're a very forgiving society."

Well, isn't that special! The Doc awaits Chmura's statement that he forgives Bill Clinton for his transgressions.

'Nuff said.