April 16, 2000 -- WASHINGTON -- Finally!

Some relief from the tiresome Elian story!

Not that we don't feel bad for the Cuban tyke—we just wish he'd go home and stop providing material for America's Number One Cable News Soap Opera.

There was plenty for the Sabbath blowhards to bellow about this week: slumping market indices and Clinton's assertion that he does not seek a "pardon"—which the pundits used to imply he's guilty of something, anything—dominated the chat this week.  There was even a little mention of protests against the World Bank in DC today, and the ongoing debate over China's trade status garnered passing mention.

Here's today's spin, straight from the horse's hind quarters' mouths:

Fox Noise Sunday
Elian takes second place

In honor of the big stock market drop on Friday, Tony Snow and the powers-that be at the "We distort—you laugh out loud" network invited Treasury Secretary Larry Summers, an articulate and sharp guest—with about one one-thousandth of the clout of Alan Greenspan, though.

Tony asked Summers about the dip in the Dow (read: implying a coming "Clinton recession" and "failed Clintonomics") and the budget (read: your taxes are too high).

Brit Hume asked about "energy price spikes, rising interest rates... a shaky stock market... and signs of inflation"— a second attempt to spin the issue of the economy against a Clinton cabinet member.  Big mistake: Summers dismissed the sudden (and coincidental) bad news, but Hume honed in on Consumer Price Index numbers bumping.

Hey, Hume—maybe you should ask someone from the Carlyle Group about this "bump," which looks to be a result of "energy" (read: Dubya's foreign oil pals) prices going up.  And Summers talked about lower unemployment, lower inflation, and growth in the economy—in other words, the big picture.

Tony turned to trade relations—what happens if trade legislation doesn't get passed?  Summers gave a litany of reasons, but emphasized "global interest"—in other words, cinching our clout over the WTO.  Summers also wants to see China work with the WTO.  It was all a tacit admission that Clinton is fighting an increasing trend toward protectionism.

And as much as we can sympathize with some of the issues that protesters are bringing to the fore in Washington—especially human rights abuses in China—we need to improve trade relations with China, perhaps the best way in which the US can help open Chinese society and undermine the influence of the last of the old-school Communists in Beijing.

Hume's last question: if he could, would he be buying or selling in the present market?  Summers refused to answer, with good reason—he should not be influencing the free market so explicitly.  That's Greenspan's job.

Tony then welcomed the one guy we most enjoy on the Fox News Channel, business wonk Neil Cavuto.  He said he's "bullish," and said that earnings are expected to be higher than usual—which augurs well for robust stock prices.  Hume asked Cavuto to "put into perspective" the rise in CPI—and Cavuto dismissed an "uptick in one month."  Ha, ha, ha—so much for Hume's "the sky is falling" spin!

Cavuto also gave his opinion on the stock market plunge on Friday: "Sometimes when people get depressed, it gets broad-based" and trading can become "reckless."  He said the big boys are "panicking [and] have fallen on their face," and praised the patience of small investors who have done very well.

Guest two: John McCain!  Tony pressed John on whether George Bush Jr. owes him an apology for some of the things his supporters said, and John took the high ground—no preconditions, John wants to have a good discussion this week for Bush about reform, and he will "support the nominee of the party."

We love that wording, first because he won't use Shrub's name, and second, because it implies Bush may not be the nominee.  Does J.J.'s "oppo research" team know something we don't?

McCain said that he wants to see the party "connect" with younger voters.  Well, good luck, John—when your party is still tied to hard-right evangelicals who send out press releases stating that they intend to "sign up" over ten million voters (using the usual fear tactics), your party loses a lot of juice with the X-ers.

And Tony asked McCain about possible running mates for Bush and that nasty issue of the abortion plank.  McCain did not respond to the names Tony threw out (including Whitman), but did say he wanted a more inclusive platform.  The party, he said, is "pro-life," but the Party of Lincoln has to become more inclusive.

Tony asked about the "poke" that McCain took at Falwell and Robertson—and now they want to sign up "18 million" voters (a NEW number)!  McCain AGAIN slammed Robertson and Falwell for their negative, divisive politics, and attacked the video Falwell helped produce, The Clinton Chronicles.  Good for J.J.!  We still say he should have been even more vigorous in his criticism of the Religious Right during the primary campaign.

Tony then quoted a mean-spirited commentary by Robertson that made assumptions about McCain's temperament and character and made reference to his being a prisoner in 'Nam.  McCain.  "That must tick you off!" said ever-smart-alecky Tony with a wicked grin (we love it).  McCain smiled an even bigger Cheshire Cat grin (you could tell he saw this one coming) and described how Pat Robertson avoided service in Korea!  Bravo, J.J.!

Tony then gave McCain a pass to slam Reno with a question disguised as a query about Elian Gonzalez.  McCain slammed Her handling of Waco.

Hey, J.J., she was operating under advice, rules, decisions and policies set by the Bush Administration during the early months of the Clinton Administration when Branch Davidian leader Vern Howell (stage name "David Koresh") went wacko.  It was slaughter, all right—and it looks like federal law enforcement went well beyond their mandate—but be a man and put the blame where it belongs.

McCain also slammed Clinton's foreign policy, saying that foreign countries should pull their weight.  He's right on the latter—but Clinton's been pushing that for seven-plus years, and McCain acts as if it simply weren't so!

Finally, Tony asked McCain about Clinton's comment that his resistance of impeachment was an effort to "save" the Constitution.  McCain said he was "dumbfounded."

Yeah, right.  Dumbfounded no doubt by how on-target Clinton was.

McCain also said he "believed" that Clinton lied under oath, but in a follow-up, said he "didn't know the facts" concerning whether or not Clinton should be indicted by Starr clone Robert Ray.

Good grief, J.J.—which is it?  You saw the "facts" over a year ago at the sham Impeachment coup trial, and you saw the GOP-controlled Senate unable to muster even a simple majority on either sham charge!  Throw out all the party-line votes on both charges, and what do you have left? Republicans, who should stand proud for laughing the ridiculous Henry Homewrecker Hyde and his Hypocrite Impeachment Stooge Manager Brigade out of the Senate chambers.

Tony then welcomed Pat Buchanan to flog protectionism, mock "sea turtle loving" protesters, and slam the concept of "forgiv[ing] debts of third-world dictators."  Tony mentioned that the Pope supported it, and Pat was intransigent.

It's always a laugh-riot to see has-been pundit Pat pretend that he has a chance—any chance—of being taken seriously as a candidate outside of a microminority of angry pitchfork-wielding malcontents looking to blame anyone but themselves for their sorry lot and poor life choices.

Tony and Mara Liasson took on a noticeably more relaxed demeanor than one normally sees on FNS, probably because they knew this segment was guaranteed to be chock full of more entertainment value than one with real politicians, and that Pat was sure to make the usual inflammatory raw-meat comments.

We would wager that they already assume that Pat is NOT likely to be the Reform nominee, regardless of the current situation—due to a couple of very nasty rumored skeletons in Mr. Buchanan's closet.

Pat slammed Log Cabin Republicans, Dubya (for "walking away from pro-family Republicans"), overseas intervention ("that unconstitutional war"),  Communist China, and other usual suspects, as he excoriated "the party of Reagan" for not standing up on his issues!

Oh, please, Pat—even Reagan broke with YOUR vision of "the party of Reagan" when he joined Sarah and James Brady in supporting handgun control!  Got any problems with that, Franco-breath?

Naturally, Elian came up—and naturally, Pat brought up the horrors of returning Elian to Fidel Castro and blamed his mother's death on Castro himself, and predictably used the opportunity to slam the right wing's favorite Team Clinton target, Janet Reno.

Pat, you are clueless—his mother's death was the result of her own stupidity in trying to float to America.  And why has there been not one comment by the TV press on the FACT that this irresponsible parent put the life of her six-year-old child in peril in this foolhardy attempt at "freedom?"  Elian nearly slept with the fish, and we say any parent who pulls this stunt and survives may merit asylum but should be stripped of custody.  Period.

Panel Time!!  The spin flew on Elian (yawn)—as Tony ran footage of Juan Miguel giving protesters the finger!  Good for you, Juan Miguel!  Juan Williams said the American Gonzalez clan is breaking the law.  Brit slammed Reno (BORRRRRR-ing!).  Juan hit back, citing the court ruling (hey Juan, it actually HELPED Reno!) and that the father has the right to speak.  Mara INCORRECTLY said that Reno could have put it into family court, and that Reno should have made arrangements so that Juan Miguel could speak his mind.

Mara, she DID.  Juan Miguel DID speak his mind, in private—he wants his kid back in Cuba, and away from the abusive American relatives and their environs.

Tony ran the tape of Elian "speaking out,"  and Juan said that it looked like the tape of a HOSTAGE!

Wow—great spin, great pap, with Juan actually focusing on the kid while his three colleagues were taking pot-shots at Reno!

You just knew that the panel would have to touch on Clinton's statement that he did not want a pardon—and his further statement that Whitewater was a fraud.  Juan said Bill Clinton is "struggling for his legacy" and mocked Bill for recommending the excellent Conason-Lyons book The Hunting of the President (what do you mean, you don't own it yet, dear reader?  click here NOW).  Mara called them "lengthy, defiant answers," trying to spin that negatively.  She was right in her wording, wrong in her spin:  Clinton has every right and responsibility to defy an unsubstantiated, coordinated and politically-based attempt to remove him from office, especially when there is now overwhelming evidence that the IOC was in collusion with the Jones lawyers and suborned felonies, and that the Jones lawyers brought a fraudulent case against Clinton.

Brit cast Clinton as a crook (really boring).

In his closing commentary, Tony claimed the environment was getting better—but never told us the full sources of his oh-so-optimistic facts and "statistics."

Ummmm…you didn't happen to get them from the Cato Institute, did you, Tony??

The McLaugh-In Group
John Taxes Our Patience

Issue one: John assumes every viewer is paying at least "four months" of their income to the IRS!  He spelled out more stats than we could keep track of—but the message was clear: we (meaning the policy wonks and political junkie who watch McLaugh-In) pay too darn much in taxes.

Well, John, not if they have a good accountant and tax adviser!

He said that it was "hell weekend" because everyone is doing their taxes and the market "crashed!"  Larry Kudlow deflated John's panic, predicting a rise in market indexes, and a rise in collections—a 12% increase in revenues and a $200-plus-billion budget surplus.  H wants to see surpluses returned to taxpayers.

So do we—after the debt is eliminated and Social Security, which is not in as much trouble as the GOP claims,  is secured in perpetuity.

Will the "crash" create a "tax revolt?"  John, it's time for your Prozac!  Eleanor Clift slammed the regressive income tax and talked about states scrambling for tax bucks.  Tony Blankley, the panel's only semi-sane conservative spinmeister, said that the shaky market could increase a call for tax cuts, as John tried to force an answer that it helps Bush. Then followed uncharacteristically boring talk about Microsoft, market valuation, and whether or not the market is an indicator of the "macroeconomy"—but John started ranting about Kudlow's assertion that it is, and that Greenspan has been right to put on the brakes.  He predicted that it bodes poorly for Gore.  Eleanor called the "rain dance" for a bad economy to hurt Gore "insane!"

But Eleanor, if it weren't a rain dance about the economy, it would be a rain dance about Elian, Monica, Travelgate, China…whatever it takes to stop the dreaded Algore!

Issue two: Elian endgame!  John shouted about "lives touched by the smiling boy from Cuba."  John asked about political winners and losers.  You could see where it was going.  Eleanor declared Jeb Bush, Clinton and Castro winners.  Tony, naturally, called Reno a loser and, of course, made sure to include "Waco" in his answer.

Anyone else out there notice a pattern?   Slam Reno, say "Waco?"

Larry O'Donnell called Clinton a loser, Kudlow called Gore and Castro losers—and Larry pointed out that every time we improve relations with a Communist nation, political control loosens up!

Eleanor got infuriated at Tony for interrupting her comments about the American family violating the laws and acting as if they live in a nation apart from the rest of America.  Kudlow said it is "wrong" for Clinton to "let Reno twist in the wind."

Oh, please, Larry.  Janet's more of a rational, dignified adult than you, that much is certain.  She knows that what you characterize as "twisting in  the wind" comes with the territory—and that Bill Clinton knows she can stand up to this kind of cheap-shot attack on her and him.

Issue three: John promoted Independent Counsel and former Rudy Giuliani colleague Robert Ray's hiring of six new prosecutors, recycled Judge Wright's foolish contempt decision against Clinton, mentioned well-known serial liar Kathleen Willey's charges, and then played Clinton's comment that he does not want a pardon.

Question: assuming President Bush and indictments of Clinton, would Bush pardon Clinton?  Tony said it would make good sense.  Larry said wait for a conviction—no doubt wanting to see one.  Kudlow called Clinton's words a "non-denial denial."  We laughed out loud at that one!  Kudlow's dead wrong.

In fact, he—and the "liberal" (not) press—are missing a pattern of very interesting series of comments from President Clinton over the last few months, comments that practically say in classic Dirty Harry style, "Go ahead, OIC: make my day."  We are beginning to think that Clinton may have a nice little surprise in store for the many parties that attempted to use his private life against him—and that includes a few members of the press along with various people tied to the Jones camp, the OIC, the elves and in Congress.  Could it be that once he leaves office, Clinton plans on opening his own legal offensive?

Eat the Press
Russert lets Schumer kill his future in the Senate, Ford and Carter pardon Clinton!  

Tim's issues were, of course, led by Elian Gonzales. Then Tim said he would tackle school shootings — and then, if you can believe this, talk to Presidents Carter and Ford (ha, ha, ha, ha) analyzing the Cuba situation.

First — surprise! — Russert turned to Ron Insana of CNBC (cross-selling, Tim?), who waxed eloquent and deceiving about whether Wall Street has moved to a bear market (which is a nice way of saying "stock market crash") now that Americans — led by the evil ones in New York — have finally figured out that high-flying NASDAQ stocks that make no money at all are sucker bets.

What Americans have not figured out yet is where exactly the NYSE-DOW companies got all the money to double the value of THAT index.

You guessed it — from the people working for and owning these dot.com companies.

Are you ready?

Tim then turned to the favorite topic of few hundred Cubans, "Little Elian."

He welcomed some bozo who claimed that Elian's father BEATS him and has a vicious temper. He claimed that the Gonzales family "forbade" their lawyers from telling the press about this (hilarious; we suppose that since nothing else is working, these crooks convinced the family to come out with this one). Then the crooked-sounding lawyer, "Farcia" Pedroza, talked as if the father also sexually molested "Little" Elian. Russert called him on this one, and he backed down. Then the lawyer talked about how the father beat the mother.

Then Congressman Jose Serrano (D-NY) came on and pointed out that this family has "a lawyer a day." Good one. He jumped all over the crook lawyer about the sexual molestation comment.

He said the real tragedy is that this family does not speak for themselves any more and are controlled by the creepy Cuban Americans in Miami who vote REPUBLICAN — if you can believe — because 50 years ago Jack Kennedy screwed up the invasion of Cuba in the Bay of Pigs fiasco. This is how stupid right wing Castro-hating Cubans living in America are: their own kids think they are completely wrong, according to good polls. Now these grudge-bearing yahoos are controlling this poor kid and his dad.

In fact, these people broke the law — and then were saved by a court an hour later, said Serrano, who also pointed out that in the Bronx, this kid would have been taken at exactly 2 PM.

In truth, we also wonder if Elian's dad might have taken a shot at the mother because she was stupid enough to want to put a baby on an inner tube and float him 90 miles across a shark-infested, stormy sea.

The crook lawyer returned and said, "We are only interested in the child's welfare." We were waiting for him to say he looks like a saint as well.

Russert asked whether the family will avoid the spectacle of US Marshals coming to the house and taking Elian. The lawyer said that he would advise the finally to take the child to his father — but then went on to say that this might become an issue like the Vietnam War.

What a laugh-riot! Yeah, sure — where the family SHOULD disobey the law.

Hey — this is one kid whose father appears to love him. This is not 58,000 poor American boys and girls being fed into Lyndon Johnson's and Dick Nixon's meat grinder on behalf of Lockheed Martin's and GE's profit margins.

Russert then wasted more time, bringing on John Podesta, White House Chief of Staff, to say he hopes that the child will be returned to his dad peacefully (a poor choice of words) and that it was chilling to hear the crook lawyer say that "There is no law." Podesta told it like it is: these Cuban Americans want to control Miami and Florida — and this is their battleground, a six year old child.

Yes, and we'd add that the majority of these people are Republicans, and that is how Republicans fight — dirty.

Russert said that the family now is pleading, "Please don't do it Monday because it is the anniversary of the Bay of Pigs." Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Good one. Then they said, "And not next week either, because that is Easter week."

Heck — any Catholic will tell you that there is a Saint's day nearly every day. Why not just leave Elian in that hovel the fabulously successful "CON"zales family has acquired directly under the main runway of Miami International Airport?

Podesta then spoke to the kids demonstrating (thank God they are demonstrating for something other than high-paying jobs) against the plethora of Dr. Evils meeting as The "World Trade Organization" — a misnomer for "The Billionaire White People's Club Who Want to Make Certain That the Poverty Stricken People of the World do Not Rise Up and Slit Their Throats in the Night (TBWPCWWTMCTPVSPWDNRUSTTN)."

These TBWPCWWTMCTPVSPWDNRUSTTN people could not care less about doing much more than forcing their useless-to-the-poor products on people like the majority of Africans who need help picking tsetse fly larvae out of their children's eyeballs, and not help them with access to surfing the net or calling their mothers on cell phones.

But even if the kids are wrong — and all these banker types are meeting on a mission of God — good for them.

Henry "Homewrecker" Hyde, arguably the biggest putz in Congress, was next. Hyde lied and said that he was forced to do this "onerous" deed by Ken Starr!!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hyde then said that he can't say the President should be ashamed of being impeached, but Hyde would be ashamed, he claimed. Ha, ha, ha — in that case, we say impeach Hyde for lying to all his constituents while he was playing "hide the salam'" with his married girlfriend Cherie and others in his ripe old 40s, destroying her life, her husband's life (Hyde allegedly assaulted the husband), and their family — and being proud of it. The hypocritical little silver-haired hyena.

Chuck Schumer, not the best spokesperson, agreed with Hyde. Do you believe it? Schumer will have the mark of Cain on his forehead! Schumer wasn't saying anything that was not self-serving and poll based. Even his predecessor D'Amato was usually more straightforward!

We hope the people of New York toss him in the gutter next election. It's just a pity they have to wait five years.

Hyde wanted to know why Podesta wants to keep the records of people who have gone through a gun check! He fears that "Clinton" wants to keep the records as a precursor to gun registration. Smoochbutt Schumer agreed with Hyde again. But Schumer also said that we should keep records because bad gun dealers will continue to circumvent the law. We keep records of every other aspect of life — why not here?

Who cares? Let the gun dealers kill each other.

Schumer pointed out that if you had a Camping Equipment Show — which included selling guns — the show would not have to check records.

Okay — enough spin from the bozos. Let us tell you what this check is REALLY about: the US government knows that criminals can always buy guns — any kind of gun, including bazookas. What these checks are about is making sure that psychos cannot buy guns easily. They want to check your drug store records and HMO records to see if you ever took an antidepressant. Can you imagine what will happen when half the country is denied a gun purchase because they love to take Prozac? There will be a revolution among wealthy liberals and moderate Republicans who now want a gun!

ASIDE: by the way, Gene Lyons — a buddy of ours, a terrific columnist and author, and a man we respect — suggested we stop using "colorful" adjectives to describe these crooks. Well, Gene, don't be a pussy. We like to call a spade a spade. We have never used an invective or a personal attack we did not believe merely for shock value — and we never will. Read our stuff carefully. You'll see we are telling you the truth.

Russert then pretended that getting Jimmy Carter (a pitiful loser) and Gerry Ford (a pitifully nice guy) on the show AT THE SAME TIME is some kind of SCOOP.

God, these two are clawing the walls for someone — ANYONE — to listen to them say anything on national television — even at 9 AM on Sunday morning!

Russert actually had the two former Presidents on a stage! Ford said it is time to reapproach Cuba. Carter thinks that the Helms-Burton Act was one of the "stupidest mistakes" this country has made in foreign policy. They are both right.

Ford bemoaned the lack of civility in Washington — brought to the Capitol, we remind you, by Tim Russert, his cronies and the Republicans led by now-old-news punk Newt Gingrich. Ford, in essence, was saying he hates his own party leadership — and he has actually told this to one of our sources this with no embarrassment.

Carter said the "distortion" of campaign finance laws is the problem. He claimed that he never referred to his opponent as "my distinguished colleague" or "my honorable opponent. Ha, ha, ha — we recall Carter saying a lot LESS than that! Carter said that bitterness and alienation are carried over. Well, geez, Jim-Bob, who started that? George Bush and his RNC freak show started it, and it continued along with other circus acts such as Pat Robertson, Televange-tubby Jerry Falwell, Ralph "Damien" Reed and Grover Norquist, their official hit men.

Russert brought up "Independent" Counsel Bob Ray, no doubt named by his parents after the legendary radio comedy team of Bob and Ray, who basically told the American people he will indict the President upon his leaving office! Ford and Regan say they hope not.

Ford said he had pardoned Nixon because he had been spending 25% of his time fiddling with Nixon's problems, so he pardoned him. Well, we think it is a good excuse. Ford paid a political price, but what did he care? He was the President and he didn't even have to run for the presidency in order to achieve that lofty position.

Carter, always the Southern gent, said that Ford's pardon of Nixon was no worse than his comment about having lust in his heart when he read Playboy.

This Weak!
Elian ad nauseum

Cokie paid a bit of lip service to the local law "enforcement" Nazis that beat up kids and union workers in Washington for daring to protest against the World Trade Organization's "Vision" on the New Global Überorder — brought to you, by the way, by then-President George "Carlyle" Bush.

Cokie then chatted up some women who scared the begeezus our of us. Thank God she turned to Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers, who said he didn't know what would happen tomorrow when the markets open.

But you will if you pay attention to what happens in Europe and in Asia tonight! Stay awake if you own a lot of stock. The Euro markets open at 4AM EST and 1AM PST, Asia markets open even earlier. You can begin to track the Hong Kong and Japanese markets at 10 PM tonight in NY and at 7PM tonight in Los Angeles.

Keep this is mind. On Friday, only the most professional market makers realized that the extreme growth in the DOW over the past 24 months was largely due to the NASDAQ and the people who earned hundred of millions and tens of billions on the NASDAQ scam stocks — especially the dot.coms! These nouveau riche bought a lot of shares of DOW companies — stuff they won't be buying for the near future.

Summers said that he would not advise to buy or sell under any circumstances.

Next, mind you, "Spam" Donaldson and "Cockie" Roberts spent a half hour looking at the Little Elian story rather than other much more important stories like rioting currently going on in Washington (police were using pepper spray and worse on the crowds to back them away from the men and women meeting to represent the Billionaire Buddy class), or the unbelievable corruption found in the Los Angeles Police Department (the same corruption that many now believe make OJ's acquittal plausible and the possibility that thousands of cases against imprisoned criminals may be dropped realistic).

No, Cokie covered Elian, with Mike von Fremd standing in front of Elian's hovel. He reported that Elian "blew kisses into the phone to his Dad" — but the scam-family Gonzalez said he then went into his room and cried.

That's right — because he was sick of the jet engine noise!

A nausea-inducing blonde lawyer was up next — one of about 50 that now claim to represent the Gonzalez family and Elian Gonzales. These nobodies — seeking advertising on national news for free — are what one calls flunkies. Lawyers who cannot earn a decent living go into the seedy side of the law in arenas like "immigration" law — which is one of the worst scams perpetrated against Hispanic, Caribbean and eastern European immigrants trying to gain work permits, green cards, and citizenship in the United States.

This blonde bimbo-torney "faces the music" with poll numbers showing that only 30% of the American People give a damn about this stupid family. The American Gonzalez clan never knew this kid, but now they've had him for three months and all of a sudden they are willing to give their lives to him.

Why? Because they know without Elian they are doomed to a lackluster life of nothingness in their shanty in Miami.

The blonde said, "This is a family affair." It certainly, is Ms. Bimbo — a family affair which has been infected by you and your iffy peers. This kid does not need a psychologist — he needs a good smack in the butt, a one-way ticket back to his father, and — if the father wishes — a one-way flight back home to Cuba. But maybe dad will surprise us all, take the $2 million from Elian's uncle, and stay in Miami — but at least in a groovy pad in South Beach.

This should have been the end for Elian this Sunday. But NOOOOOOOO!!

An aside — Cokie looked pretty good in that yellow suit she wore today. Like a ripe orange — good enough to eat.

Creepy nun Sister Jeanne came on. She sported a beige suit, mandatory cross, and black scarf. Sister Jeanne, president of something called Barry University, lives in some castle on the campus and she had the Gonzalez tribe and old friend Janet Reno in for a tête-à-tête.

Elian's "family" then brought him home — coached him — and made a home video worthy of the Heaven's Gate cult telling his father off and demanding to stay in America. We don't buy it.

Some other fat broad came on and defended the father. Sister Jeanne claimed that the dad cannot speak with them freely because daddy is being made to say what Fidel wants.

This is horse hockey. The guy was allowed to meet with many on a one-to-one basis — including the idiot boy who supposedly rescued Elian. Old Lady Campbell underscored this by saying that he is free to speak whatever he feels. The two old bags — Sister Jeanne and Old Lady Campbell — argued even about the two old grandmothers who provided the freak show from Cuba weeks ago. Sister Jeanne said they too were lying.

Sister Jeanne, of course wants both families to be brought together IN HER HOME, to be healed by Holy Week.

Campbell said that the poor father wants to speak with his son alone — and without the fanatic Gonzalez clan whispering and hissing at the boy while on the phone with his Dad. You can only imagine what they tell Elian: "Your father is a dirty commie criminal, he father beat your mother nearly to death. You father raped you didn't he? Did you ever touch your pee-pee?" On and on — brainwashing what does not look like the swiftest kid on earth, even thought the average Cuban student far outpaces the average American student on standardized tests.

So what to do? Hey, grab the kid at 3AM — put him and his dad on a Learjet and send them home to Cuba. Rescue them from the horror that awaits any American media star. Rescue them now, Janet Reno, before already too late for Elian.

George Will — "sage of the markets" (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha) — invites Hugh Johnson of the First Albany Group and Joe Buttafochlia, Cheerleader for the Bulls, to discuss what will happen tomorrow.

Joe B — who we like — tells us we have a market event, not a economic event. In this market of liquidity, we do have an environment for margin traders. This, he said, is what we have been working through this past month. Buttafochlia said that market will be worst at the first hour (that part is right), but then he said it will go back up toward the afternoon. There he is wrong. The market will keep crashing until it is UNDERvalued. This is what Hugh Johnson said. Buttafochlia, who looks like a retired sparring partner, is less believable that the graying and wizened Johnson.

Will asked about a recession. Buttafochlia jumps right in on that one because his clients are so long as to be on Venus. He wants no talk of recession. Johnson worries that the FED will move interest rates up a quarter in May and again in June. He thinks the second move would be wrong. Hugh knows that the Federal Reserve could plunge the nation into a recession if they continue to raise interest rates.

Thus, the real question is whether Weird Al Greenspan wants Gore or Bush in the White House next January.

If Greenspan wants Bush — he will raise interest rates.

Hugh thinks there will be smiles tomorrow — and we will be okay for the short term, but not for long — the bottom is still to be reached.

Now — this was new. Here was George Will getting to conduct a full ten-minute interview nearly on his own without Cockie butting in. She did ask a question or two from the sidelines — but it was George's show. This was good, and proved that Will could handle his own show. It also proved the tip we received that George was on the warpath with the powers-that-be at ABC News, and sick of his third-rate place on This Weak under the likes of Sam Donaldson, Cokie Roberts and that cretinous turncoat George Staphylococcus, who has come to be America's icon of greed and abuse of friendship. Next to Linda Tripp, George Stephanopoulos tested worse among the American people on this issue.

Jeffrey Toobin, who recently penned a book of half-truths about the Clintons where he defended and prosecuted them at the same time — was next. Toobin, a dweeb, said he feels that Reno is decent. Staph then interjected and told us what Reno "has" to do. What a laugh — thank God for his advice. Will said that what is Reno trying to do is save Elian from the horror of growing up in America!

Then Staph said this: "I guarantee you there would be riots in Miami the next day!" Sure, Staph, and that's why you are a nothing — because you are so stupid. Cubans do not riot.

Then Staph said that he does not see Lazaro Gonzalez saying, "Here, come take me to jail but do not take the boy." Well, Staph lied again. Although we can't stand Lazaro, we have heard him say not only this, but also that he will die rather than turn the boy back to Fidel. So why don't you bother to read, Staph — or are you too busy having you hair styled?

Staph then went on to repeat what we said two paragraphs up about Alan Greenspine.

Cokie said maybe the election will be on morals. She brought up Bob Ray and his future indictment hopes after Clinton leaves office. Now the issue of pardoning Clinton if Ray indicts him is the issue — or at least so claimed Cokie. Ken Starr now thinks that if he had explained himself more he would have been in a better position. Starr was wrong, and Ray is wrong. Staph goes for the jugular and said that Clinton statement which did not absolutely rule out pardon, but did, is toxic to Gore. Ha, ha, ha, ha — sure it is, Staph — you hope he is indicted and convicted so you can save your own Brutus butt!

Cokie then applauded Bush for ACTUALLY meeting with gays. Will is angry at Bush because Bush said this week that the federal government is responsible for dealing with uninsured Americans. Will reads this as "embracing socialized medicine" and destroying the entire platform of the RNC.

Don't worry, George — DumbBellYou is not telling the truth, only trying to gain votes. Don't you understand the difference YET?

CNN Late Edition
Armey—over the hill

We caught a little of Rep. Dick Armey (R-Coeds) on Late Edition with Wolf "We have to retract that Clinton rumor" Blitzer.  Armey is a bit "upset" because "[Elian] should have been handled in family court."  He then beat up on Reno as he said that family court should "take care of this beautiful child…this baby."

Ha, ha, ha, ha.  A baby who sure takes his coachin' from his drunk-driving relatives reeeeeal well.

After Armey slammed Reno, he slammed the Cuban government.  Crikey, conservatives love this issue—they can slam so many people with it.

Armey also expressed horror over "what is going on in the streets of Seattle, Washington this weekend."

Hey, dick…er, Dick, did someone change your medication? The Seattle protests were MONTHS ago—today's protests are happening practically OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW!!

He went on to express horror at the prospect that "protesters in the street" could "shut down world trade."

That, of course, is ridiculous, Professor Armey. These billionaire businessmen don't need to meet in person. Ever heard of teleconferencing? Videoconferencing? Virtual net meetings? Ask Gore—you know, that guy you lied about when you said he claimed he invented the Internet when Gore said NO such thing—that is, IF he'll talk to you.

Armey also called the government's "assault" on Microsoft "misguided" and said that the judge's decisions have often been overturned on appeal.  It should be noted that one of Wolf's earlier guests, John Podesta, explained pretty clearly that this was a legitimate use of the government's antitrust powers.

Armey said that Congress is "cleaning up" the tax code.  Of course, this is a complete lie—the best Congress will do is a few incremental 'fixes" during the current session.

Armey seemed so out of touch with reality and in such poor control of facts that one has to wonder how the heck he ever taught at the college level in the first place.

A caller asked Armey about the "sensible" gun legislation Clinton has put on the table, and why he's not pushing Hatch to move on it.  Armey talked about Project Exile, and "compromise" with NRA -friendly Democrat John Dingell.

And of course, Armey touched on the impeachment.  He emphasized the words "obstruction of justice" and motormouthed "butitsallover."

Wolf was waaay too easy on Armey—in fact, we've noticed that Wolf has recently been making an effort to be less probing and too accommodating with all of his guests.

We say get tough, Wolf—on both sides of the political aisle.  Call them on their spin.  Challenge them on their "facts."  Do the job that Tim Russert pretends to do, that is, putting pols in a position where they have to account for what they say.  You've got the stuff to do it right, instead of following the Russert cheap-shot model of throwing up sometimes out-of-context or outdated quotes in an attempt to make a guest look like a hypocrite.

You do that, and Late Edition will make waves—and steal ratings from the competition, especially on the West Coast, where you and CNN could kill Russert and The Scam and Croaky Show in the ratings.