Sunday, May 14, 2000 -- WASHINGTON -- It's notable that the Beltway's opinion pashas all decided to slip the juiciest, most salacious story of the week -- the separation of New York mayor and floundering Senate hopeful Rudy Giuliani from his wife, Donna Hanover, and the attendant rehash of Rudy's "rumored" affairs with his former press flak Christyne Lategano and new "very close friend" Judi Nathan.

The behavior ascribed to Rudy, an unannounced but active candidate in the most-watched congressional race this year ( a race that is far more interesting than the presidential snorer between Al and DumbellYou), seems to be far more egregious than, say, a little sloppy under-the-desk "action" from a zaftig intern -- but far be it from the grand exalted opinion gatekeepers to make it the number one political story of the week.

Instead, the big shows went with "protests" in Washington -- an estimated quarter-million mothers protesting easy-to-get handguns in the Million Mom March.  But they made sure to "balance" the coverage by making sure that the minority in this debate, namely liberal-haters like the NRA's Wayne LaPierre and spokeschicks for a hard-right "counterprotest" group we've never heard of before -- Sisters of the Second Amendment -- were given a platform to spew their ridiculous views.

Here's what we saw:

Fox Noise Sunday
Tony Promotes Fake "Second Amendment Sisters" Organization

Tony Snow began FNS by talking about the shadowy "instant" advocacy group, the so-called "Second Amendment Sisters," who are running a counterprotest in DC today supporting guns in churches and schools.

Funny how the Million Mom March has been in the planning and publicity stages for over half a year -- and this "Second Amendment Sisters" group, which looks like a fake "rapid deployment" organization created for the occasion to steal attention away from kids killed in churches and schools -- and the real need for gun control.

We suspect Tony would have rather led with the Giuliani follies -- but probably was feeling pressure from Brit Hume and Roger Ailes.

And there was no hint at the turnout for this counterprotest was given by Tony -- or any other talking heads, for that matter.  We'd guess the number to be in the upper twenties.

Tony and Juan Williams turned to guests Sen. Barbara Boxer and NRA spokesharridan Susan Howard.  Tony actually gave Boxer a wide berth to talk about gun control initiatives in Congress.  And Boxer also used Juan's point about the NRA increasing membership by (they claim) 700,000 in recent times to tout her efforts to close gun law loopholes -- and when Juan tried to cast the Democrat efforts as a failure, it only opened the door for Boxer to talk about Al Gore's now-famous "tiebreaker" vote on one gun control bill.

Tony asked Boxer how many seats she thought the Dems would turn in the Senate -- and Boxer sounded bullish.  We found it remarkable that Tony asked this question  -- one that implies that GOPers are on the defensive already in congressional elections.  Again, Boxer gave a lengthy answer.

Tony then turned to NRA spokesthug Susan Howard, who called Boxer "disingenuous" and said that when kids see a gun, they should leave the room and call an adult.

How laughable!  Remember that incident where a 6-year-old in a crack house got a gun and shot a schoolmate?  Does Howard actually think that this message gets through to dysfunctional families or lawless thugs?

Howard whined about a "photo-op" and said that's what the NRA's newest commercial is "all about, bringing our children together."  It was the most preposterous pap we have ever heard from anyone in the NRA -- and we doubt we'll be seeing much more of her.  The woman rambled on, at times sounding unable to coherently construct a sentence (too many "ers," "umms," and "and uhs").  She then blathered about how she "learned the ten commandments" (probably from Charlton Heston himself) and made a loopy comment about condom education while she was discussing elementary school students.

Juan tried to pigeonhole Howard on what the NRA supports, and she said she's not a politician who stays up all night memorizing statistics -- but Ms. Howard is an actress and spokesperson who sure knows how to memorize lines and statistics for the NRA commercials she's made with Heston!

Howard failed in her effort to claim that "Mister" Clinton and his push for smart guns "won't save kids today."  Of course it won't -- but other legislation he supports will, that is if the NRA would get on the bandwagon and stop blocking legislation that would save kids.  And enough with the "kids!"  The NRA is using media overkill about kids killing kids with guns, and yes, it's tragic, but there's a bigger picture in this nation when it comes to gun deaths -- and the NRA can't handle the truth.

After the break, Tony welcomed Louis Farrakhan to discuss his admission that he may have been complicit in the death of Malcolm X some 35 years ago.  Farrakhan talked about the 12 minute interview in the context of the four-hour meeting -- and said the media was being irresponsible in hyping the interview as containing an admission that Farrakhan admitted some kind of responsibility.  Farrakhan said that he had written that Malcolm was worthy of death -- but there was also a qualifying statement saying Malcolm would rise above the situation.

Farrakhan talked in his usual deliberate, dramatic manner -- but we detected a sense of nervousness and worry in his voice unlike other Sunday appearances by the demagogue.  He said he was being tried in the media by "mischief-makers" -- yet his own political maneuvering within the Nation of Islam for more than four decades shows a pattern of brilliant and savvy mischief-making on Farrakhan's own part.

Farrakhan added that he has all four hours of the tapes -- and if the Shabazz family agrees, he would like to release the full interview.

Tony brought up Farrakhan's having discussed dreams of conversations with Malcolm and Elijah Mohammed -- trying to make Farrakhan sound crazy.  Crazy like a fox, we say -- Farrakhan talked about how dreams can be revealing and important, but he also knows that the rhetoric he has been able to forge from these dreams goes over strongly with his followers.

The final segment -- Rudy!  Will he continue to run while "having a girlfriend on the side?"  Socialite reactionary Georgette Mosbacher said he should run, he's been an outstanding mayor, and quality of life has dramatically improved in New York City.

And that's true -- but only if you live on Sutton Place or near Gracie Mansion, or have a financial interest in tourism.

Rep. Vito Fosella parroted Mosbacher, saying Rudy cut welfare rolls -- but that's not completely true in that a robust economy and federal cuts had a greater effect than Rudy.  And Brit Hume became the naysayer, giving Fosella reasons why Rudy should not run.

What's going on there?  Well, the Murdoch-owned New York Post seems to be leaning against a Rudy run, and now Brit Hume of Murdoch-owned FOX News is hammering Rudy to two of his supporters, forcing Mosbacher to "admit" that Lazio would be a "strong" challenger.  Brit spun a possible Pataki run, and Fosella called him the "obvious" choice.

And again, we agree -- he'd be the obvious "sacrificial lamb" for Hillary to offer a heaping helping of ass-whup.

Tony said that Dick "Toe-Sucker" Morris claims that the Rudy scandals are a Hillary dirty trick!  Tony, where'd Dick get that notion -- his dominatrix?  Rudy has almost as many GOP enemies as Democrat critics!

Brit dug a deeper hole for Rudy, bringing up to Mosbacher Rudy's not having told his wife, Donna Hanover, that he would announce a separation.  Mosbacher tried in vain to sow doubt over the issue -- but she sounded defensive.

Panel time!  FOX O-Spin-ion numbers claim that extramarital affairs do not affect voter perception that much -- and Brit claimed that people tell pollsters they're concerned about the serious things.  Naturally, cocaine use got higher numbers than extramarital sex -- but the coke question was on there only to perpetuate rumors that Clinton did toot.

Can Giuliani recover?  Juan said yes -- and that New York pols hyperventilate a lot.  Brit said that the cancer issue was more pressing -- and that Donna Hanover's statement was an "Exocet missile" aimed at Rudy, but in the long run it would not hurt him.  But Mara said that it hurt Rudy's numbers, and Juan mentioned Donna's citation of a previous affair -- but there was no mention of Christyne Lategano's name.

The panel (yawn) turned to the NRA.  Mara said that NRA rhetoric about enforcing existing laws hurt Clinton.  She's right -- and Clinton should hit back by going after congressthugs obstructing funding of gun laws.  Juan mocked the NRA for in essence supporting bringing guns into church.  Brit pointed out that the "counterdemonstration" is getting equal coverage.  True -- but only on FOX.

Why did McCain "endorse" George Bush?  Juan said it was politics -- and still hates Bush.  Mara said that if Bush loses, McCain is the front-runner for 2004.

The McLaugh-In Group
Hey, John -- stop screaming and have a beer, you hoser!

Issue one: Rudy's Winter!  John said that Rudy's "hellish" week included cancer and having been "accused by the media of having an affair."

Un, John, those accusations are YEARS OLD!  Funny how rumors about Clinton get immediate play while Rudy's run on a two-year time delay.

A clip of a very testy Rudy Giuliani being rude to the press ended the intro.  Larry Kudlow said Rudy had to "button down" a separation and then get back on the campaign trail.  John said Donna Hanover is still a threat and may go on the talk shows.  Eleanor Clift said that Rudy has to deal with cancer and then a "single-minded Hillary."  Tony Blankley said that Rudy's in trouble.  John said that Rudy might be "Clintonian" and "smear Donna" -- then backtracked, saying he was "joking" (a lie).  Lawrence O'Donnell said that any further comments by Donna would rebound and give Rudy sympathy.

Is Rudy's dilemma "insuperable?"  Larry said he's talked to leading GOPers -- and they all see Rudy as the best candidate.

Well, we've got news for you, Larry.  One of OUR writers has talked to a leading member of the RNC -- and he wants Rudy out -- the sooner, the better.  Their "we're behind Rudy" act to members of the mainstream media is there only to allow Rudy to leave in a dignified manner.

A round of McLaugh-In screaming ensued -- ending with Eleanor saying that only the McLaugh-In group could turn marital meltdown and prostate cancer into an asset for candidate Rudy!  We loved it!  When the name Pataki came up, Tony persisted in saying Rudy is still the strongest name.

Issue Two: "Together at last!"  John played footage of the McCain-Bush joint appearance in Buffalo.  Who got the better deal? Tony said it's a false "big story" -- then tried to make waves by saying that Bradley has not been seen with Gore!  C'mon, Tony -- you're saying Bradley has the stature of McCain?  Dems know that Dollar Bill is irrelevant -- obviously you're not talking to the right people.  Larry said that Bush did not pander to McCain (ha-ha, yeah, sure).

"Catholics resurrect Bush!"  You know that Pope John McLaugh-In couldn't resist bringing up Cardinal Law's pro-life comment at Cardinal O'Connor's New York funeral.  John claimed that Bush is leading Gore among Catholics.  Larry said Catholics are no longer an interesting polling group -- we bet John never invites him back!  John said blue-collar Catholics don't like gun control.  Eleanor said pro-life includes opposition to capital punishment.  Tony said that the GOPers in Congress picked a Catholic chaplain -- thanks to John!

John then turned -- for some ridiculous reason -- to the brilliant Molson "My name is Joe and I am Canadian" commercial, a spot that lampoons American clichés about our neighbors to the north.  The Ampol staff loves this spot -- we hope that some savvy campaign managers take a good look at it and steal the sardonic, in-your-face attitude of the commercial.  "What is Canada's problem?" asked John, in what appeared all earnestness. Tony called it a "feel-good... defense mechanism."  Eleanor said she loved the commercial.  Larry noted that this came from the same creative team as "South Park."  Larry Kudlow predicted that Canada would adopt the US dollar as their official currency -- we think Larry's been drinking too much Budweiser and not enough Molson Brador.   John again observed, "What is their problem?... They whine a lot more than we do!"

Predictable predictions!
Larry Kudlow: The Federal Reserve tightening will "be much less than folks think [and] over in the next month. " 
Eleanor: Congress will pass a bipartisan prescription drug plan well before the election. 
Tony forecast a "Republican Congress" marriage-penalty tax cut on Clinton's desk before August.
Lawrence O'Donnell: the surplus will be 40 billion dollars more than expected. 
John forecast an "astounding election win" for PAN (the National Action Party) in Mexican national elections.

Eat the Press
"Slim" Russert's Minion Moron March

Donna Dees-Thomases, organizer of the "Million Mom March," started the show as a pro "license those guns" spokesperson speaking with "Slim" Russert from the White House lawn -- yet claimed that she did not coordinate her activity with the White House, which is also pro-registration.

Then imbecilic Wayne LaPierre, chief moron of the NRA -- a man who has repeatedly embarrassed himself and the NRA with his shallow, provocative statements and lies, including that the President is responsible for handgun deaths -- is again treated by "Slim" as someone who is entitled to the privilege of being on a national television show. Slim, whom we suspect is a gun-toting slob himself, gave LaPierre about three uninterrupted minutes, ignoring Dees-Thomases's attempts to respond to his spin and lies.

Dees-Thomases finally got in a word and said she expects that people using guns should know how to use them, and if they use them improperly these people should be traceable much as one would trace a reckless automobile driver.

Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY), who made it to the House because her husband was shot dead, was also a guest, and said she thinks that licensing of guns is politically non-viable.

THEN CAME BOB BARR (Fascist-GA) -- prime slime of the House, librettist and director of the Impeachment Opera, a scam on the American People. Of course, Barr is against gun registration and licensing -- although he touts the fact that he was a federal prosecutor to get into the House.

Barr was also a laugh in the Justice Department and was almost let go many times during his nothing career. So here he was, talking about how horrible it would be to put gun shows out of business. Barr is so despicable it is simply impossible to describe him.

But Barr rightly fingered Rees-Thomases as a White House publicist. Rees-Thomases said Barr is despicable because he put out a release that attacked her personally.

Well, Donna, what do you expect? That is how Barr keeps his seat in redneck Georgia -- that is, when he's not taking the state equivalent of the Fifth Amendment when testifying in court during divorce proceedings.

Congresswoman McCarthy said she is not playing politics as Wayne LaPierre claimed -- but she was very angry. She said she wants a three-day wait at gun shows and explains that courts and local police document offices are closed over the weekends.

Barr then brought up the Chief Fornicator of the House -- Henry Hyde -- saying that Hyde has reached out to the other side many times, but that Clinton wants this to stay an issue through the upcoming November elections.

Then Russert flung a dart at Wayne LaPierre by playing the tape footage of an NRA board member claiming that with Bush in the Oval Office the NRA will have an office right in the White House. LaPierre babbled paranoiacally about Red Chinese with briefcases running the White House -- ha, ha, ha. LaPierre then said that the NRA is trying to help children by running gun education classes. Barr jumped in and asked why the Federal government isn't prosecuting these gun stores.

Barr "forgot" to mention that he has voted against every bill that would provide the money to allow them to prosecute the people who violate the law -- millions of them.

It is those millions who prove that we should get the guns out of the hands of every Tom, Dick and Leroy in Redneckville and America ghettos -- nothing more than shooting galleries these days.

Next, Slim turned to the Giuliani v. Clinton race (in other words, Rudy's problem with keeping Mr. Happy in his pants).

His first guest was Susan Molinari, rumored to have been married to a gay congressman -- Bill Paxon, whose short-term affair with Brit Hume's son Sandy caused Sandy to horribly commit suicide, something his father never mentioned.

Molinari is there for nothing more than saying "If anyone can keep going it is Rudy."

Rep. Peter King (R-NY), who should know better, touts the same line. 

We can tell you the sonovabitch Giuliani is a loser -- and will not continue to run. Rudy is just a psycho sex maniac, a murderer of the poor who will never hold higher public office.

Then Bill Kristol -- of all people we respect -- quoted lying pollster John Zogby, who now claims that his ruining his wife's life with a string of creepy women isn't hurting him.

Oh, yeah -- well, then, why are the leading GOP financiers meeting this weekend in Manhattan to choose his successor and to give Rudy the boot on Monday?

You heard it here first: that's what happening. Any further discussion on this one is a waste of time.

Also on hand was Gail Sheehy -- boring pop psycho-babble writer for the likes of Vanity Fair, a women's magazine trying to be better -- just a little better -- than The National Inquirer.

Molinari, who looked like a checker in Queens grocery store (you know, one of those filthy ones on Queens Boulevard) said that Rudy has just had a "Mortality Scare" Ha, ha, ha, ha -- too bad he didn't have a "Morality Scare" first -- then he wouldn't be so petrified to die, and go directly to Hell.

After a commercial break, the group came back to discuss the corpse of Giuliani and who might take his place. There is no one really -- except the punk Rick Lazio who has made is known that he wants the Senate seat. Slim then asked whether Bill Paxon will run!

We laughed out loud! Hey -- why not Brit Hume? Or maybe Slim Russert himself!

Slim turned to Sheehy and asked how Hillary is as a candidate. Gail the Ghoul said she thinks Hillary is a great candidate and "learning."

Peter King, sounding like another idiot, said the health care issue will still be around her neck -- little does he know that more than 75% of Americans now favor TOTAL socialized medicine in this nation. They are fed up with all health care options, ready to send HMOs directly to Hades and ready to bury the GOP with them. 

Then Russert again tried to besmirch Hillary Clinton by asking around the table whether Hillary will just turn around and run for President in 2004 if Bush won.

The new slogan -- Why New York, Hillary, Why Now -- was running about the GOP-packed table. Russert purposely loaded the table with three Republicans and one Gail Sheehy, a very iffy Clinton supporter. It was a disgrace.

Where the hell is the President of NBC News? Can't he see what this fat punk is up to -- and exercise any control? This is a consistent problem with Russert: packing his panel with Republicans to make fun of the Clintons and anyone on their side or in their party. We are sick of it.

Russert showed a clip from some years back of Edwin Edwards promising to change from a "Wizard Under the Sheets" to a good guy. This week, Edwards was convicted of 17 felonies and will probably be sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison. He promised in this clip to give up womanizing. We hope the state of Lou'siana will not give the 74-year-old groovy governor the 200-plus years he could serve under these convictions. After all, all he did was take money from the mob. Who cares? He was a colorful Governor, and great fun -- and we guarantee you that 85% of elected officials, on both sides of the aisle, are guilty of similar (if lesser) degrees of felonious conduct.

That was it for the Neo-Nazi Russert. Thank the Lord.

This Weak
George Will Outclasses the Other Losers

Cockie is on the Mall at the "million" Mom march, which most likely won't happen -- maybe 250,000 moms?

Cockie began her interview with Rosie O'Donnell, a gal we love -- but we wonder why she's involved in this silly march. The gals just can't defeat the sleazy Wayne LaPierre and the NRA.

LADIES, THE NRA PAYS OFF THE CONGRESS! GET IT! So, if the Moms want to get a change in the registration and licensing laws then they have to PUT THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR CUTE LITTLE LIPS ARE.

Donna Rees-Thomases said she thinks that these Moms will make a difference. The NRA has a $6 billion interest here and all the mothers have is their children. Can they beat the NRA?

Yes -- with enough money.

The FATHERS ought to join the mothers and bring with them the money necessary to bury Wayne LaPierre and his death-purveying minions. No one in the nation should be allowed to carry handguns concealed (or otherwise) on the person -- no one.

We don't care if you're having sex with Ernest Hemingway himself. Those days are over, brother. Pack up your handguns and throw them in the oceans, lakes and streams of America. Keep your deer rifles and bird guns. But handguns have no use -- save to kill people in as stealthy and convenient a manner possible. Companies who manufacture these guns should have their executives jailed until they comply. And anyone buying or selling a semi-automatic rifle (a.k.a. a machine gun) should be put in prison for life.

Period.

These guns won't save this country from losing a war or being occupied, as right-wing nuts tell you. Just get rid of them.

Spam had twin lightweights Ed Koch (radio show host) and Rep. Sweeney of upstate NY on the show. Blah, blah, blah... they droned on and on -- and said nothing new.

The only quotable moment came from Ed Koch -- he said Mayor Giuliani will withdraw from the race within the next week or two.

We agree -- what choice did Satan have? Rudy has about the same choice.

Then Spam interviewed Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt about the terrible decision to "control burn" a forest in New Mexico -- and the resultant disaster in Los Alamos. It was, and Babbitt agreed. That was really it. Of course, Spam asked more and more questions -- for no reason except they were in his script. Babbitt just said the same, and that was over.

Then George Will had his one-on-one interview with a pro-gun marcher with the phony-baloney Second Amendment Sisters, who are marching today against he Million Moms.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! George Bush said he would give everyone in Texas a free gun lock. Will quoted Rosie O'Donnell and this gun-toting broad said Rosie is stupid -- doesn't she "understand" that this is a precursor to "confiscation"?

Well, honey, we certainly hope so.

This chick, by the way, packs heat. She did make a good point, however -- where does the NRA get their money? "They get it from people like ME!"

Of course, this is a half-truth. It is the gun industry that supports the NRA in the majority -- not gun-toting spokesbabes like this chick George Will is talking with. The gun chick wants teachers to carry guns. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Gosh -- they'll probably shoot the kids!

Will looked pretty silly in this interview -- but at least it was HIS interview without the twin morons Spam and Cockie butting in with their predictably stupid comments.

We think it was masterful to have Cockie interviewing Rosie -- after all, Rosie is far more intelligent than Roberts, and helped make our case for getting rid of Spam and Cockie and replacing them with Bill Kristol as the new "Spam," and George Will as "Cockie."

The This Week Fools' Round Table was next. This is where they allow Little Brutus -- George Staphylococcus -- into the conversation. Staph thinks Donna Hanover was more surprised than New Yorkers.

What a crock -- Hanover knew that Rudy was a scum-sucking catfish from the word go. Neither Staph, Will nor Spam think that Rudy will run.

This is a guarantee that Clinton will win. Send you money now.

Here is the truth: no one -- on either side of the political aisle -- wants Rudy to run. But no one is as well-known and has enough money. The GOP wants to find a self-financing candidate. Of course! But Rudy should not give them his money to run someone else because he wants to run for Governor. We want him to try that other suicide so we can at last have a Democrat governor of New York -- a great man, not a loser like George "Sad-Sacky" Pataki whom everyone has heard of, but has no idea what he does. We do: h sits in his office listening to self-improvement tapes.

Staph said that Hillary's people are "afraid" of Rudy dropping out. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What a complete imbecile. They are not in the least afraid, they certainly should not be. Lightweight Lazio hasn't got the chance of a frozen margarita in Hell -- he is a Gingrich House member with the words "Born Loser" practically tattooed on his forehead.

They turn to the McCain "endorsement" of Bush. It was a wishy-washy endorsement at best, but it was an endorsement. No one cares. Let McCain go back to his cured drug-addict stewardess-like wife and have a great time.

Bush, according to Spam will beat Gore by 5 points. Will then, evilly, describes the groups that Bush carries.

Of course, he is winning by 5 points. That is where the 5 points are -- the fringe. Bush will lose like a stone and Gore is sitting back and letting him do it.

Bush peaked way too early and can only head downward now. Remember Gore's 45-48 points and Bush's 49-46 points REALLY means this is dead heat, with neither candidate winning.

Spam said the people think that George Dumbellyou will do better on gun control. What a riot -- it shows how ridiculous these pollsters can be. 

That was it for the panel.

By the way: good job, Will. Now that you have your own segment, it is consistently the best on This Weak. Now, why don't you insist that Staph be fired? It's time for Little Brutus to suck the Upper West Side sidewalk!