Guest Editorial
The Many Oxymorons of George W. Bush
by Steven C. Day

Saturday, Nov. 4, 2000 (AmpolNS) -- Democrats all agree (and so do Republicans, but only if you catch them drunk and honest) that George W. Bush's "compassionate conservatism" is an oxymoron.

The very goal of conservatism, after all, is to take all of the compassion out of government -- but then, George W.'s campaign breeds oxymorons.

Could there be a bigger one then the words "President George W. Bush?"

Let's look at a few other Bush principles and what Bush might really say if stripped of pre-scripted sound bites:

PRINCIPLED HYPOCRISY: "I believe that the principle of respect for the rule of law demands that the harshest possible penalties be imposed against those drug offenders who do not get away with it like I did."

DUTIFUL MALFEASANCE: "I served with honor in the Texas Air National Guard during those times I was not AWOL."

CARING INDIFFERENCE: "Poor people? What poor people? I never saw any poor folks...now wait just one minute.  It isn't that I don't care. Don't say I don't care. I care a whole big bunch. I will cry for poor people, I mean, if I ever meet any."

EXPENSIVE FREEDOM: "I am opposed to campaign finance reform, because it would deny the huge multi-national corporations supporting my campaign their constitutional right to buy the election."

GENTLE CRUELTY: "It is true that I do get kind of giddy and excited when I talk about having someone put to death. And I have been known to crack a joke or two when signing a death warrant. But there is nothing wrong with that. After all, being a compassionate conservative doesn't mean I can't enjoy my work."

CHARITABLE NEGLECT: "Unlike Mr. Gore, I believe in the people, not in the government. I believe that poor people, if there really are any, can decide on their own how best to be poor, with out the government
telling them how to do it."

HAZY CLARITY: "I want to clearly answer your question about agriculture, sir, by saying that we need to rebuild our military forces."

SENSIBLE FOOLISHNESS: "I have proven that I am qualified to be president, because I have memorized the names of a lot of foreign countries."

AFTER-THE-FACT PREVENTION: "We shouldn't rush in to this global warming thing. We don't want to put a bunch of effort in to trying to prevent a world wide environmental catastrophe until after it happens."

CUNNING STUPIDITY: "Having Texas come in 50th in things like health care for children is not so bad. No one ever talks about all those states that did worse."

CORPORATE CITIZENSHIP: "I want to take the power away from Washington and give it back to the corporations where it belongs."