Election DIS-Patch
Game Day in Vegas
by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Tuesday, Nov. 7, 2000 (6:40 AM Vegas Standard Time)-- LAS VEGAS (AmpolNS) -- The Doc actually got about fifteen winks on the red-eye to Las Vegas.  It's been a hectic and nerve-wracking political season, but The Doc feels rested, relaxed, and ready to kick back and enjoy Game Day.

He'd been hoping to stage a repeat of the '98 full weekend-plus blowout with Krysztyna, Stiggs and the remaining usual suspects doing his pre-election slumming in Las Vegas, but things on the East Coast had become too hectic -- an antsy client in the middle of a small but tweaky acquisition, another trying to get him to enter into a long-term consulting deal, a third client The Doc had had to "fire" for being a bit too Bush-like (concealing crucial information which would have killed the initial consulting deal in the first place).

So this time he and Krysztyna, now the missus, were traveling light -- a change of clothes, the ThinkPad of Love, a dozen bottles of Ommegang Belgian-Style Ale for Stiggs, and a cell phone.  And the trip went more smoothly than a Patek-Philippe mechanism from the moment the car service arrived at Casa Gonzo on the Upper East Side to the second Krysztyna crashed on the oversize bed at the Bellagio to grab a half-dozen extra winks.

Stiggs -- who still owed The Doc for introducing him to an unbelievable C++ programmer, whose nickname is The Vulcan, a codesmith so obsessive he dreams subroutines -- had pulled some strings, calling in a favor from his former overseers at the Bellagio to assure the Gonzos a multimedia-ready room: guaranteed late arrival, five TVs, two phones, extra line for the ThinkPad, complimentary breakfast.  Stiggs, bless the man, has had a couple of good years since partnering with The Vulcan -- he's gone from the house odds maker to writer and marketer of sophisticated odds making software -- and just about tripled his personal worth in a matter of twenty months.

The Doc fired up the ThinkPad, checked out the televisions. Christine Romans was on CNN talking about how the candidates affect America's second-favorite form of legal gambling, NASDAQ.  Dr. Georgia Witkin on FAUX News Channel was babbling about voter behavior, and Imus was being his usual irritating self, screaming something about a rodeo to his guest as he cut to sports headlines.  Frank Newport was on C-SPAN Washington Journal, answering a question about absentee ballots.  All the sound was routed through a multimedia received, and the fifth TV was playing the in-house flick, Three Kings.

The Doc couldn't help thinking ruefully what a great reminder the film was on the overwhelming success of foreign policy Bush-style -- NOT -- as he scanned the Web for the latest headlines:

FLASH! Dateline: In Transit? -- democrats.com is reporting that George W. Bush's military records have gone AWOL! 

NO, The Doc is not making this up!

According to the report,

On the eve of the Presidential election, George W. Bush's military records cannot be found.

Bush's records are permanently stored at the National Personnel Records Center (NPRC) in St. Louis, Missouri. According to Melanie Aitken, an NPRC official, Bush's file was sent in June to the Air Reserve Personnel Center (ARPC) in Denver Colorado, to help officials there answer reporters' questions about Bush's military service.

According to Maj. Tom Deall, Public Affairs Officer of the Air Reserve Personnel Center, ARPC received the file in June and kept it in Denver until August, when it was sent back to NPRC in St. Louis using Federal Express.

According to Aitken, the Federal Express shipment was never received.

Stiggs' Betting Line* for Politics, Part III

FLORIDA SENATE RACE

Florida: McCollum's toast -- Nelson wins by 3; Gore edges Bush by 2.

Over on CNN, Bernie Shaw was talking to Deborah Feyerich at Lazio headquarters and Frank Buckley at Hillary's ballroom.  Both reporters were saying that there was "no word" on how the race was coming down -- but the guys setting up the Lazio stage didn't exactly have a lot of spring in their step.  Feyerich said that "This is a very tense time" in the Lazio camp.  She reflected on all the talk she hears about Lazio's people now saying "If only he'd gotten into the race sooner."

Krysztyna chimed it: "In other words, Li'l Ricky's toast on a stick!"

The phone rang.  The Doc fielded a call from a producer for a radio show in New York.  He'll do it -- tomorrow night (more to follow.

Seven o'clock.  CNN, MSNBC, CBS -- Florida was TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

"Hoo-boy," said Krysztyna.  "This is gonna be a white knuckle night.  You don't think..."

"YES!"  shouted Stiggs. "YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!"  Stiggs was pointing at the television -- CBS projected Nelson beats McCollum in Florida.  "GOOD @#$&% RIDDANCE, YA CROOK!"

Well, Stiggs is a lot more partisan than he used to be.

"The heat from that race is hot enough to peel paint," said Dan Rather on CBS as he pointed to Florida on the map.

Over on CNN, Wolf was announcing that CNN projects the obvious -- Republican Senator Jim Jeffords would be re-elected.  Jeffords has a reputation as a terrific guy -- he also leans liberal on many issues.

MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell was spinning the victory of Republican ?? in Kentucky's 6th Congressional District as some sort of big victory.  The Doc is sure that McCollum's reeeal happy about it right about now.

By 7:30, CNN had Ohio, Florida, West Virginia, Georgia and North Carolina in the undecided slot.  There was a knock at the door.  Krysztyna greeted a tall, thin guy with a bowl haircut and goatee, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that read "Don't blame me -- I didn't vote for anybody!"

Great mother of Netscape -- it was The Vulcan!

"You must be Dave 'Doctor' Gonzo," said The Vulcan in a firm but cool voice.  "I'm quite pleased to meet you."  His appearance in a room filled with TVs turned to cable news stations with faux-futuristic sets made me feel like an extra on Star Trek: Election 3000.

Brian Williams on MSNBC broke the news that Allen beat Robb in Virginia -- no surprise.

"Disappointing," said The Vulcan, as if assessing a piece of Perl code that wasn't doing what it was supposed to.

We were noshing at the mini-buffet when CNN broke the news that Gore has Florida.

Stiggs popped another bottle of Ommegang and poured a round for the four of us.  Even the Vulcan toasted.

More to come...

Tuesday, Nov. 7, 2000 (4:55 PM Vegas Standard Time) -- It rarely gets more exciting -- and more fun -- than this.

On FAUX News Channel, the entire panel of geniuses went over "the" factor that each thought would determine the election.  The news of Florida had just come down, and The Doc got a sense from the look on Hume's face that he was girding for the worst as Bill Kristol wryly observed, "Well, the important factor is the electoral count."

Meanwhile, The Vulcan set my ThinkPad to a different dialup.  drudgereport.com was back:

A little later, on CNN, Judy Woodruff made mention of how important unions had been in getting out the vote.

After ALL of the news channels went to commercials, Judy came back with Mary Matalin, who The Doc thinks is suffering from some sort of dementia when she declared that all the networks would be wrong and Florida's absentee ballot count could tip the election to Bush.  It was almost sad watching Matalin trying to convince Judy and Mike McCurry that her crazed theory might actually hold some weight.

On CBS, Dan Rather was prognosticating like a full-time political pundit, talking about Arkansas and Tennessee still being too close to call -- and the all-stops-out effort by Bush to take both states.

Mike Wallace said there'd hardly been a word all night about Nader.

"Thank goodness," opined (to my surprise) The Vulcan.  "He's a hypocrite."

Then Rather messed up the name of Senator- elect "John Curzon."

The Doc had to restrain mentioning to the Vulcan if Rather was mistaken -- that Curzon was a character from Deep Space Nine.  Would he lay the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on me for my insolence?  The Vulcan was pretty quiet -- and a little unnerving -- until Stiggs (who had been on the cell phone) asked him a question about some new code he was cooking.  Suddenly The Vulcan was talking like a Silicon Alley hipster.  He even cracked a smile.

Bob Schieffer was talking about the significance of the court ruling that keeps polling places open for an extra hour.  Rather said Gore "has come back strong."

Krysztyna switched one of the TVs to ABC.  "AAAUGH! Staph infection!"  There was George "Li'l Burtus" Stephanopoulos, saying that -- catch this -- "News Gingrich is starting to fade."  The entire room was laughing and catcalling -- even the Vulcan -- when Stiggs' new main squeeze, Katja, walked in with a friend.  My jaw just about hit the floor.  The Vulcan couldn't take his eyes off her.  About five foot eleven with tighter curves than the mountain roads that lead to Lake Chuzenji in Japan.  And her pal was a cutie too.  Stiggs had warned me that his girl was a looker.  This is about Stiggs' third showgirl or model in three years.  If he could bottle his secret, he'd be richer than Warren Buffett.

It rarely gets more exciting -- and more fun -- than this.

More to come...

Tuesday, Nov. 7, 2000 (8:20 PM Vegas Standard Time) -- C-SPAN had picked up live coverage from a local Saint Louis to cover the imbroglio in Missouri -- a judge was ordering polls closed at 7:30PM local time, countermanding another judge's ruling.

A lot of people in Saint Louis will not be able to vote tonight.

The station C-Span had picked up played a clip of reactionary Republican Kit Bond railing against the decision to keep polls open in Saint Louis.  It sounded ugly -- Kit was railing against "Democrat judge... Democrat town... Democrat voters."  Take out the word "Democrat" and substitute the word "black" and you'll get the idea of where too many Missouri Republicans really stand.  The after-work turnout in Saint Louis is huge, and it's only going to end up looking like rich suburban Republicans and their stealth Klan pals are bringing back Jim Crow.

There was a little comic relief on CNN -- Bernie asked Mary Matalin why Lazio lost.  Mary said that Lazio didn't have the Lincoln Bedroom!  Lord, what a sore loser!  Mike McCurry reminded her that Hillary worked and campaigned harder than Little Ricky -- and all Mary could do was dis Hillary for being a carpetbagger!

"Too late, honey!" shouted Krysztyna at the TV.

The Doc was beginning to think he should get this gang together every Sunday morning for Pundit Pap -- fly in Mac from Washington, Gene from New York -- the pundits The Doc was partying with beat the Usual Gang of Morons any day!

Wolf broke in with the first "pick-up" of the night -- a Democrat from Nevada in the House.

Then Bernie cut to a shot of a very nervous, "Best face on" Bush clan.  Dauphin Dubya was on the phone with Tom Ridge, then told the assembled press that Ridge does not believe the projections -- and they don't believe the projections out of Florida.  Dubya looked would up tighter than The Doc has ever seen him, trying to banter with the press.

The Doc thinks it's going to be a long night for the Dauphin.

CNN's spin team was saying Bush should never have dumped all his money into California.

At 6:54, CNN moved Florida from Gore back to "undecided."  Just about EVERYONE in the room reacted with a "WHAT?"  The Vulcan said, "Rove was on about twenty minutes ago, and then that business with Bush on the phone that ALL the news stations covered -- it just looks too slick."  We had a feed from the local New York CBS affiliate (we had a choice of some 300 channels of nothing worth watching except the election) -- a reporter in the Lazio ballroom noted that SOMETHING had Little Ricky's mourners "cheering for the first time tonight."

On NBC, Donna Brazile commented on the "giveback" of Florida and Russert's own theories on the way states might fall, calling it "fuzzy math."  That got a whoop from the party (two more friends of Stiggs, the Martins, had dropped by).  Donna was still campaigning -- she sounded pumped as she said that Gore doesn't think he's giving back Florida.

Over on ABC, Linda Douglass was talking about the critique Gore got for backing the Elian Gonzalez family -- there was practically a fight to see who could be the first to say "pander" with reference to the critique of Gore.  "Unbiased my butt," said Stiggs.

On CBS, Bob Schieffer said he was not sure Gore would pull it off.  "it's mathematically possible, but I don't see how he can do it without Florida."

"Looks like all of the pundits ASSUME Bush is going to take Florida," said The Vulcan.

The Doc turned up the sound on CNN.  Larry King was asking Ralph Nader about the election.  Ralph fired away at the "right wing Democratic Leadership Council."

"Paid for by Republicans for Nader!"  shouted Stiggs.

The CBS New York affiliate was saying that Hillary would be speaking in five minutes.  "How kind of the press to spare Lazio that embarrassing concession speech," said Katya.

Over on CBS, Schieffer was calling the Senate situation -- a possible 50-50 split, "weird."  Dan called it "goofy.... It doesn't get more exciting than this."

On CNN, Rove was whining about CNN calling Florida before the polls were closed in the Central Time Zone on the panhandle.  "Right -- like they're avid CNN viewers," said Krysztyna.

On NBC, Tom Brokaw said that it does not look like the Dems will get the senate, and good GOP friend Lisa Meyers, in her most  assuring tone, said that appeared to be the case.

Rove was still getting face time on CNN.  "Jabba the Rove," said the Vulcan.

CNN called the Nevada Senate race for the Republican.  The Vulcan groaned.  Stuart Rothenberg said it was not unexpected.

The gang wasn't as boisterous as when Hillary went over the top, but The Doc was smiling at the possibilities.  Dauphin Dubya.  President Stupid.  George DWI Bush.

On ABC, Peter Jennings was following his instructions from the RNC and asking someone about "Clinton fatigue."  Stiggs shouted, "Yeah, I'm just SO sick of prosperity.  I've HAD IT with a President who wants to be a peacemaker."  That actually got a laugh.

The New York CBS affiliate cut into Rather and Schieffer to show Lazio's concession speech.  Rudy Giuliani and George "Wacky" Pataki put on a brave face as the late Frank Sinatra belted out "New York, New York" -- at the proper time, The Doc sang "These Lazio blues / are melting away / he never had a shot at it" as the whole gang chimed in "New York, New York." 

Lazio: "I feel like the Mets! [laughs] I just called Hillary Clinton..."

Audience: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

Lazio: "I just called Hillary Clinton and congratulated her..."

Audience: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

The Vulcan: "Must be a Freeper convention.  Wish I had the Prozac franchise."

Holy cow -- split screen time -- Hillary was being introduced by Chuck Schumer, and the sound was half on!  It got cut off as they continued with Lazio's gracious speech, thanking his team.

While Lazio was speaking, Bill Clinton looked a bit verklemt.  Then they cut to the end of Schumer's hot intro.  The champagne got another go-round.

As Schumer intorduced Pat Moynihan ("Annoynihan," muttered Stiggs), CNN projected California in Gore's column.

Then Hillary spoke. The lady has class -- including her very kind words for Moynihan.  When she mentioned Rick Lazio, there were subdued catcalls, nowhere near the conspicuous contempt the Lazio crew held Hillary in.  Hillary spoke a great deal about New York and New Yorkers.  "That is going to stick in the craw of the Hate Hillary coven for a long time," observed Stiggs.  "She'll be resented by Republicans."

"She'll win them over," said The Doc.  "Within a year, Pataki will be eating out of her hand.  Schumer's the bad cop, and she's got the good cop Senate seat now."

NBC wasn't carrying the speech -- but Brokaw and Katie Couric were praising the effective, "brilliant" campaign Hillary ran -- and Couric tied Lazio's support to polls showing that voters were divided on the carpetbagging issue -- "most New Yorkers aren't from here anyway" - -and that Lazio drew the Hillary haters.

On MSNBC, Screamin' Chris was hollerin' like a stuck pig! "They imported her to be a victim of her husband's infidelity!" he shouted to Republican Peter King, a moderate who actually refused to rise to Herr Matthews' bait.

A few minutes later, Chip Reed was talking to Ed Rendell, who believes Gore has Florida.

Eight states were still up for grabs.  For a while, The Doc and friends felt like the wind had been knocked out of our sales.  But Hillary was rockin' and anything can happen.

It was now past midnight on the East Coast, and on MSNBC, Screaming Chris was ranting about Hillary the Carpetbagger, Corzine "buying" the New Jersey Senate seat, a dead man winning in Missouri, and now a big brouhaha about some precincts staying open.

Good Lord -- the right-wingers are trying to blame Democrats for vote fraud.  Meanwhile, one person Instant Messaged The Doc to say

"jeb is completely corrupt -- guarantee he's gonna screw with the absentee votes -- maybe Putin was right, America does need election observers.

MSNBC now has the Presidential election as a dead heat -- 242 electoral votes each.

Stiggs and Katya were going to call it a night.  "Dead heat," he chuckled.  "This should be interesting.  Bet we don't get a winner 'til tomorrow morning."  The Vulcan was making eyes at Katya's pal -- The Doc smelled a double date in the making.

Krysztyna was pretty exhausted.  She said her good night, and Vegas's most dangerous odds makers left with their dates about two minutes later.

The Doc was feeling fried himself.  Our flight back to New York is tomorrow at seven.

Well, he thought, time to order some room service coffee.

This was gonna be one long night -- with nothing but Florida, still undecided, hanging in the balance.

And hang it did -- for about three hours. The Doc took a nap, waking up at 11, and all of the networks and cable news channels were telegraphing an impending projection well before the 3 AM EST.

The hammer came down at 11:18. CBS looked to be the first to declare Bush the winner.

I don't have the heart to wake Krysztyna right now.

But a few things are certain.

Ralph Nader -- a preening, self-styled, egotistical twit who used to stand for principle -- arguably cost Gore Florida and a few other states. He couldn't deliver the five percent needed for the Greens to qualify for matching green. He will become a marginal and greatly hated figure in progressive circles -- no matter how hard he may try to fight it, no matter how altruistic his intentions might have been.

Al Gore made two fundamental mistakes: Tony Coelho and Carter Eskew.

The Bush Iron Triangle did a brilliant job manipulating the press.  They, not Dubya, will be in charge.

There is tremendous suspicion that Shrub's brother Jeb may be behind voting irregularities in Florida.

Hillary is now the number one Democrat in Washington. She may seem to maintain a low profile, but her expertise, connections and loyal team will propel her to the top of the heap. She'll continue to be a magnet for the hate speech of the neo-fascist right wing -- and The Doc saw how well that played in New York, including the conservative upstate region -- not.

And, finally, Dubya. The Iron Triangle will have their hands full.

He will arrive in the Oval Office as damaged goods. More facts about his seamy past will emerge in the coming months. The Doc suggests that you reacquaint yourself specifically with the fundamentals of Funeralgate, Bush's demotion while in the National Guard, and the methods used to conceal a certain drunk driving arrest in the Seventies.

Add evidence of widespread voter fraud in Florida: Gore voters in eastern parts of Florida were duped into voting for Buchanan, and ballot boxes have been disappearing and reappearing in minority areas more frequently than Bush's service record.

Bush's goose will be sworn in pre-cooked -- that is, if he gets sworn in at all.