Sunday, Jan. 28, 2001 -- NEW YORK/WASHINGTON (APJP) -- Our Pundit Pap team was ready for Pundit Bowl Sunday.  The APJ media room was stocked with Jolt! cola, cartons of junk food, noisemakers and strong coffee.

The day was already shaping up as being nearly as bizarre as Pundit Bowl '98, which occurred mere days after that Monica Lewinsky first surfaced on a right-wing gossipmonger's web site.  The network spin doctors had been talking all week not about the failing Bush "ed-gy-cay-shun" initiative or his troubled nomination of John "AssKKKroft" for Minister of Injustice, but about that all the "awful" things Bill Clinton did before leaving office -- primarily pardoning a fugitive billionaire.  They were also starting to gin up the California energy "crisis" -- which is looking more and more like an ersatz "emergency" caused by powerful energy players choking the supply in an effort to get the green light to despoil protected areas. 

Here's how the love-fest looked:


FAUX New Sunday
Official pundit show of the Cheney-Card Cadre?

"The Dubya Presidency begins with a whirlwind!"  Tony Snow promoted all the Shrub spin points and "ooh, yes, Bill Clinton!"

What a laugh -- Tony can't get his figurative hands out of Clinton's pants.

Tony called the week "unusually busy" -- but didn't say that Team Cheney was busy undoing the stupidity of the Ashcroft nomination.  Brit Hume played Dumbya press spokesman, playing up the education program and President Greenspan's "gift" to the Cheney-Card team on endorsing tax cuts.

Too bad it was a sorta-kinda endorsement.  At least Mara Liasson conceded that the Shrubbery has moved toward the Democrat position on education.

Hume made too much of Tom Daschle's non-promise promise to see AssKKKroft approved, but Juan Williams said that Ashcroft was a divisive choice.  Hume dissed Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton without spelling out why all three oppose Ashcroft.  Tony proclaimed that even Ted Kennedy has said not to underestimate Team Dumbya, and Mara said that the Smirk Cadre had "played down" expectations.  Juan said many people were disappointed with Bush's choice to cut funding for international women's health groups.  Mara said it was to throw a bone to the religious right.  Brit ominously said that Bush did it to "restore order."

Gee, that's what Stalin did, Brit, wasn't it?

Juan said the next step may be banning RU-486 and stopping late-term abortions, and that the Clinton Administration was in the mainstream.  Brit slammed Clinton for personally not making abortions "rare."

Right, Brit -- as if Bill Clinton had total control over fertility.

Juan kept saying that Bush Baby had a "very good week" -- and Tony again said that FNS would take another shot at Clinton at the end of the show!

Following the break, Tony said Bush was "reaching out" to Dems and many were "officially charmed."  Senate Non-Majority of 50 Leader Trent Lott (R-Extra Starch) praised FOX for being "fair and balanced" as he lustily praised Paula "Ilsa von" Zahn -- hilarious!  When Trent Lott calls something fair and balanced, you know it's just one step removed from the John Birch Newsletter!

Lott said a lot of nothing about what the Senate "needs" to do about tax cuts.  Lott wants capital gains cuts.  Tony kept pushing the goal of 1.2 to 1.6 trillion in cuts over the next 10 years.  Lott likes 1.6.  Did President Greenspan essentially pass Dumbya's tax cut? asked Tony -- and Lott essentially said yes.

Neither loudmouth brought up the more pressing issue of cutting the debt.  Cutting the debt means lower interest rates -- and all Americans benefit from that.  In fact, many would see more saved in interest payments in the long term than  they'd pocket from Uncle Sam.

After Lott dissed Clinton's last wave of executive orders, Tony asked Lott about shareholder protection -- which would require stockholders to approve corporate political contribution.  All Lott could do was whine about Democrats filibustering or blocking reform that would hurt labor.  he also rolled out the latest GOP spin term: "Sewer money," code word for political contributions from labor groups.

Education!  Tony said the sticking point was the time limit on improving schools -- a total of six years.  Lott sounded as if he didn't think it was enough.

But look at the flip side -- once there is a fairly elected president in 2004 (a Dem, no doubt), this stupidity can be undone.  Federal cash only represents an average of 5-6% of a schools' budget.

Tony slammed the DC public schools, and Lott said people should be able to shift kids from one school to another.

The pardon of Mark Rich?  "Outrageous!"  Lott said Congress should investigate, and sounded as if he wants to stop further pardons and set up "parameters."  Good luck, Trent!  It's his Constitutional right.  The $200,000 in gifts -- Lott implied it was an ethics violation for Senator-elect Clinton to accept them.  Problem is, she was not a Senator when she took them -- she was First Lady, and she should give her gifts back just as much as the influence-wielding Reagans should be ejected from their $10 MILLION gift home in California.  The Clintons got next to nothing compared to the Reagans and Bushes.

Lott canned support of alternative and emerging energy technologies "extremism."  You can tell whose pocket he's in.  He also called opponents to Ashcroft "shrill," and LIED when he said the fight is not about John Ashcroft, LIED when he said Ashcroft (who looks to have LIED to Congress) is a man of integrity.

What a laugh!  "We report -- you decide."  We've decided FAUX News is the press agency for the Bush family.

The next guest -- Dumbya's boss, Dick Cheney (it's pronounced "chee-nee", not "chain-y").  Tony asked about reports of vandalism -- but Chee-nee has seen nothing!  He's heard reports about "childish" pranks.  Brit asked Dick id Tipper apologized to Lynne about the condition of her office -- and Chee-nee chided Brit for not asking about taxes or education!

Should California take control of their energy situation?  Chee-nee said he supports free enterprise (i.e. allowing Enron to manipulate supplies and create a profitable crisis).  Suppose the situation gets worse -- can't the Federal government step in, asked Tony!  Ha, ha, ha -- this from a non-stop booster of SMALLER government.

We get it -- government intervention is GOOD if oil millionaires and energy tycoons can get richer from it!

Clean air regulations -- Tony asserted that they've hurt energy generation in California.  Cheney said siting of new plants is a problem.  How awful -- giving the states rights!

The segment was a complete riot -- born-again federalism hawks Tony and Dick!  But that should be no surprise -- Just-Ass Scalia has suddenly embraced equal protection for failed oilmen.

Brit brought up Saddam -- and sounded hurt that the Cheney gang was not doing anything about him!  Tony said that Powell has said that sanctions don't work -- and Cheney had to concede that unilateral sanctions don't but multilateral sanctions can.

What next, Chee-nee -- will you embrace the UN?

Tony brought up the possibility that Mark Rich's pardon could somehow be revoked?  Cheney knew nothing about it.  Brit wants to see the Justice Department have a role -- which is a joke, because their job is to prosecute vigorously.

The fact is, Rich deserved his pardon but is now vulnerable to massive civil actions -- the entire matter is just a magnet for more Clinton-bashing!

Throughout the segment, Chee-nee said that this or that "is up to the President."  Under orders from Chee-nee, no doubt.

Brit asked if the dust-ups this week would affect the "AssKKKroft" nomination.  Cheney parroted the spin of the hard-right -- that he's the most qualified nominee in a century.  Brit pushed the televangelist spin that AssKKKroft is the target of religious bigotry -- which is a joke, since AssKKKroft record is that of a bigot, not a victim.

Tony brought up the danger of a missile defense boondoggle -- namely, Russia and China saying all bets are off.  Cheney nonchalantly said that it's a matter of technical modifications to present treaties, and that missiles are a growing threat.

Huh?  It would be cheaper, easier and more reliable to deliver a weapon of mass destruction in person rather than by missile -- a fact that techno-hawks blithely brush off.

Following the break -- panel time1  Tony could not help showing video of Bill taking a fall, and Brit acted as if he were sympathetic before he dissed Clinton's "ugly" departure.  Stepford pundit Mara parroted Brit, then talked about Hasidim.  As Juan was talking about the gifts, Brit chimed in with the dollar value of gifts from Mrs. Rich.  Tony said Reagan got a $2 million home (closer to $10 million, Tony) -- and Brit said it's assumed that Clinton will be the real Democrat leader and Mrs. Clinton is becoming a Senator -- that "is screaming impropriety."

What a joke.  If Barbara Bush had been elected Senator, you know Brit would be saying "this shrill litany of diatribes from liberals over the Bushes getting going-away gifts from their supporters is uncalled for."

Brit screamed about sexual promiscuity as Juan said that the Clintons "broke faith with the American people."  what a joke -- given the crap that the Clintons put up with from the hatemongers in this nation despite delivering prosperity, growth, peace and a solid attempt at moving the nation forward, most people would not complain if they got a hundred million in gifts -- only the hard right is whining about these gifts.

In his final word, Tony practically admitted he went too far in his column about alleged vandalism by a handful of disgruntled Gore loyalists as he praised that Cheney-Card cadre for saying nothing.

Well, Tony, it could be because the wild reports the mainstream press spun turned out to be overblown at best -- if not outright lies.  There's also the matter of the vandalism that the Clinton team encountered upon taking office -- which may well have dwarfed that the Shrub team found.

FNS scored a touchdown for covering more ground than any of the other Sunday shows -- but lost points as time after time Brit Hume came across as more angry and flustered than substantial and informed.  And two of the "players" -- alleged "liberals" Mara and Juan -- are more like the Roger Ailes cheerleading squad.

Eat the Press
Starring the engorged Tim Russert

Bad Ed Cheney was up first. Blah, blah, blah... "reduce withholding, reduce tax, and reduce revenue for the government."

Who loses, Dick? The poor, that's who. They don't earn enough to pay taxes -- you moron.

What will he do about the California energy situation? "Clinton didn't have a national energy policy..."

Well, that' s a lie. He did -- but not the one that you and your employer Halliburton and the BushBillies wanted, was it?

Cheney used California -- just as we predicted -- to take a look at the entire world and to move toward a more comprehensive (destructive) energy policy. And if you think that the utilities have not helped plan this situation in California, then you need to buy a home in Iraq as a good investment.

By the way -- loser Spencer Abraham, an Arab-American who, unlike most Arab-Americans, is one of the biggest liars on earth (and who lost his Senate seat because of it) is now Secretary of Energy of the United States.

Fat Tim -- all so eager to sneak a dig in at the Clintons -- asked Cheney what he thinks of the Mark Rich pardon. Cheney said he hasn't thought about it -- but then he went on and on about it. Imbecilic Tim asked whether Bush will ask the Justice Department to counsel him on his pardons. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- maybe for his brothers and sister-in-law!

Cheney said he thinks Ashcraft will be confirmed. Cheney escaped a question on Roe v. Wade: "That does not mean that the Administration will not try to reduce the incidence of abortion, and ban partial birth abortions" -- to make certain that the nation takes care of thousands of hydro-heads, brain-damaged babies, babies born with no arms, legs, eyes, mouth or worse. Won't that be fun!

Cheney made it clear that Bush will halt the use of fetuses -- aborted or miscarried -- for crucial stem cell research. What a fool. The next thing Idiot Boy'll probably ban is organ donation. Is there a difference? Or does that moron Bush think that doctors abort fetuses intentionally just so they can give researchers some stem cells?

It's unbelievable -- cretins who think we live in the 13th Century are running the most powerful nation on earth! It's no wonder the rest of the world is worried.

Cheney then lied and said Bush SUPPORTS campaign finance reform. Uh-huh -- but only the type that will make all elected officials Neo-Nazi Republicans.

Cheney then began moaning about Saddam. Translation: time to rectify Daddy Bush's failed war!

Cheney then attacked -- of all overrated and impotent "threats" -- Fidel Castro. As long as he is there, the sanctions will stay.

Hey! That's a Clinton policy!

And in a flash, Cheney was gone -- more boring than ever and, we suspect, more BORED than ever.

Senator Joe "Loser in advance, so elect me to the Senate just in case" Lieberman was next. Obnoxious Tim asked this ridiculous question: "If Al Gore runs in 2004 -- WOULD YOU CHALLENGE HIM!" What a riot! Sure, Tim -- Joe and the Lubovitch communities in Brooklyn and Morristown New Jersey.

Then porcine Mr. Russert turned to the subject of gifts for the Clintons. TIMMY FORGOT THAT RONALD AND NANCY REAGAN RECEIVED A TEN MILLION HOUSE IN BEL AIR CALIFORNIA -- which outclasses and now costs more than Beverly Hills -- FULLY FURNISHED, from their "friends" when he left office.

WE URGE ALL OF YOU TO SEND A GIFT TO HILLARY AND BILL AT THEIR NEW DIGS IN GEORGETOWN TO REGISTER YOUR RESENTMENT! IT COULD BE JUST A ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS!

Lieberman is "disturbed" about Clinton's pardon of Mark Rich. Ha, ha, ha, ha -- what an idiot. Clinton did it because Rich, Mobil and Exxon were convicted or pled guilty to selling oil domestically and to Iraq illegally and not paying tax on windfall profits.

Funny how Tim FORGETS THAT No Mobil, Exxon or other MEGA-oil-company execs were charged under the REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION who prosecuted them. Only Mark Rich was PERSONALLY indicted -- along with Pinchas Green, another Rich executive.

Why?

Because Mark Rich and his wife were and are HUGE Democratic candidate supporters.

That's why.

Sure, Rich may be a rich sleaze, but what corporate exec isn't? Face it -- he's OUR sleaze and Clinton was right to pardon him. The IRS estimates that more than 87% of Americans who file other than short-form tax returns cheat on their taxes -- so why single out Rich?

Lieberman moaned about African Americans and Ashcraft.

Alan Greenspan, whose wife sits on the telephone with Don Imus (while Old Alan is in the bathtub catching up on statistics) and mocks the Clintons, has told Congress that we shouldn't have a tax cut unless certain triggers occur. Now, the pundits to a person were saying that Greenspan "green lighted" tax cuts -- but that's NOT what he said! He mentioned those triggers because another tax cut will cause unreal inflation and make nearly every large purchase almost impossible unless for cash.

Will Idiot George listen? No. He's too stupid -- and he can pay cash.

We can just sense Russert's ratings going down the tubes. Face it: Russert has been instructed to support Bush and his entire gaggle of goons (and old goons at that). He is desperately trying to keep up the ratings by continually focusing on the Clintons.

Well, guess what, you overweight slob? NO ONE CARES! It's over -- and so is your stinking career, secured on the backs of others. You were NEVER a journalist -- television or otherwise -- and now you will fall between the cracks.

Hope you saved enough money to live for the rest of your life.

True to form, "Fat Boy Tim" turned to Mark Rich and President Clinton's "HORRIBLE" pardon. Jack Quinn, Rich's lawyer, told the Russert to his face that Rich was pardoned on the merits -- because Rich was placed in a CRIMINAL position, but no other than he was charged with a crime. Long lines of lawyers and judges with terrific reputations have said this indictment was ratcheted up to a RACKETEERING charge by Rudy Giuliani and his gang of overzealous thug prosecutors for nothing. Fat Tim whined that "a lot of people" -- which means Tim and his real boss, Jack Welch -- are confused because Rich did not serve ANY time in jail.

Then, something hilarious happened -- Tim, who hates the New York Times, leaned on it. But the TIMES got it wrong as well: RICH DID NOT FLEE THE COUNTRY after he was indicted.

The truth: HE REFUSED TO COME HOME AND RENOUNCED HIS CITIZENSHIP -- because the GOP-controlled Justice Department was waging a political war on Rich.

Russert then whined: "WHY, why would you pardon a man who RENOUNCED his US CITIZENSHIP!!!! WHY!!!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, -- hate to tell you, Timmy, but thousands of men and women renounce their citizenship every year to escape from taxation that cripples the elderly in retirement!

What a moron.

Is there something wrong with a man or woman who decide to take up residence and citizenship in another country? In Rich's case, he took Swiss citizenship -- the most sought-after citizenship in Europe because of that nation's neutrality.

Then Tim lied about Hillary and Mrs. Rich (the ex) and claims that Mrs. Rich BOUGHT a pardon for her ex-husband. Huh? You mean Karla Faye Tucker, that woman that Bush had killed in Texas Prison last year, could have BOUGHT him off and saved her own life?

Fat Tim then attacked Quinn himself ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS FEES! But we suspect that what he really wants to know is the size of Quinn's penis. Oh, that Fat Tim -- on the one hand, he seems contemptuous of women with power; on the other, he sometimes acts as if he is soooo jealous of good-looking men with power or wealth like Jack Quinn (and, for that matter, Al Gore and Bill Clinton) yet obsesses on them to the point that one might suspect Tim were gay.

Hey, Tim -- that won't go over too well with some members the George W. Putsch regime!

Who does the Fat Slob turn to? The most dishonest Fascist elected official in the Northeast, Rudy "The Wig" Giuliani, who "can't see any basis for a pardon."

Well, stupid, there does not have to BE a basis for a pardon.

Rudy then lied and said he handled more than ONE THOUSAND pardons when he was in the Justice Department! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. From who? They Rudy accused the former Mrs. Rich of bribing the White House. Gee, is Rudy getting better with his butt cancer? Maybe he is planning to blame Hillary for the pardon because Ms. Rich supported HER, too! The money the Rich's gave to the Democratic Party is PEANUTS for these people. It is estimated that Rich is personally worth more than 20 billion dollars.

Rudy then said that he suspects that the Clintons took a bribe -- without saying it. He claimed this is why there is a CONGRESSIONAL HEARING -- ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Here we go again. When will this nation wake up to the fact that Dan Burton and his hard-right hatemongers in the GOP are worse than the Nazi party? WHEN? Giuliani then claimed that Rich traded with Iraq and then was indicted for it.

The truth is that Rich did not do this and these charges were dropped.

Quinn that told Tim that the U.S. Attorney in the New York Southern District had her opinion on this pardon included in the papers he submitted to President Clinton -- making all those who say that Clinton did not get counsel from the Justice Department liars.

Well, what else is new?

The McLaugh-In Group
Mouthpiece for the Shrub 

Issue one: education, taxes -- and overseas funded abortions.

What a laugh!  "Pope" John forgets that the "overseas funded abortions" are NOT paid for by US taxpayers.

John detailed the points of Shrubya's education plan.  Michael Barone promoted it as "hot" as he slammed "a failed system with no accountability."  Right -- how about a starved system with no money?  Eleanor Clift said Shrub conceded to Dems by throwing out vouchers and going with national sanctions.  Eleanor also PRE-corrected John by pointing out that US funds do not pay for abortions overseas -- only family planning.  Tony Blankley fears that Shrub will "slip into a democratic-looking bill."  Larry O'Donnell called it a "pretty good bill" as he pointed out that it is being used for a "charm offensive" by Bush.  John called Ted Kennedy a "demagogue" for his questioning of Ashcroft.  Tony said that the teacher's union will fight vouchers.  Will Bush get vouchers?
Mike: 4
Eleanor: 0.2
Tony: about a 4
Larry: 1.5 -- Kennedy will filibuster vouchers
John: there will be a demonstration program.

Issue two: Sen. Zell Miller (fake Democrat-GA) gave Shrub a "big bipartisan boost" in pushing for a tax cut.  John also praised Fed Chairman "President" Alan Greenspan for supposedly endorsing a tax cut.

John said Greenspan changed his mind -- but Alan said they "MAY" help the economy.  Eleanor pointed out that it's not a big shift and he loaded his testimony with caveats.  Tony argued that Greenspan sees the deficit issue is under control.  Michael said T-bills must exist and a small amount of debt is good!  Larry said that Greenspan gives crossover Dems cover for going bipartisan.  Tony jumped down Eleanor's throat -- and John told him to show chivalry to the little lady!

We loved it -- thanks, John, but Eleanor can hold her own!

Will Shrub get his cuts?

Mike: Something close
Eleanor: He has to move rewards down THE INCOME SCALE
Tony: he has to move the cuts UP the income scale
Larry: GOP does not need help from the Dems
John: Will Dems push Clinton over the side?

Issue three: Bash Clinton for pardoning Mark Rich.  John called it the liberation of the Bastille -- and described it in his most lubricious manner as a new Clinton "scandal."  He actually seemed to get off on talking about this latest faux scandal!  He said the prosecutors of Rich were "stunned," even showing Rudy Giuliani bristling over the pardon.

What a joke -- word from a number of legal experts is that not only did Giuliani have no case but Rich's wrongdoings would have been better handled in civil court in the first place!  Tony implied that there is a payoff-to-come for Hillary -- which is the theme of the latest anti-Hillary smear campaign.  Larry said Jack Quinn, who was a Clinton team member, got in Clinton's face and may have violated ethics.  Eleanor called it a "bad start" for Hillary -- but then said that Eric Holder was reviewing the case, and that Rich is vulnerable to civil penalties and WILL have to pay real money!  Michael Barone, an avowed Clinton-hater, called them TRASH.  John all but claimed that Hillary looted the White House silverware and claimed that Hillary was telling people that any gifts to the Clintons must come before she becomes a Senator.  Larry said the gift-givers were asking for nothing, but Eleanor -- to our amazement -- said that it looked bad!

Not half as bad as getting a $2 million Bel Air house to wield influence, Eleanor.

Time expired before the lunatic panel could make their predictions -- thank goodness!  Jack Welch's game plan -- screaming, pushing issues in a manner that favors GE's bottom line -- left The McLaugh-In Group with a negative score. 

Face the Nation

Tax cuts -- will they happen?  Bob Schieffer's first guest was Shrub's economics tutor, Larry Lindsay.  Following Greenspan's "green light," is the bogus POTUS looking to increase the tax cut?  Lindsay hinted at an "acceleration" of tax cuts, and said it could be done quickly -- perhaps by July.  Gloria Borger said Trent Lott supports a cut in capital gains -- and Lindsay said he likes that notion too, but also wants to tackle the "marriage penalty" and "death tax."

Lindsay was pushing "acceleration" of tax cuts -- which will be the mantra of the GOP this week.

Schieffer then turned the focus to California and the ginned-up power crisis.  Lindsay said that the U.S. simply cannot send power to California.  Lindsay said that Arizona and Oregon are suffering as a result of helping California.  Lindsay lied when he said that if the government could send figurative thunderbolts into the grid, they would.

They could -- if they'd look into the manipulation of the supply.

Lindsay said that California needs more power plants and transmission lines.

Schieffer then welcomed Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) -- will the tax plan be accelerated?  Rangel said that all tax bills originate in the House Ways & Means Committee -- and all tax bills have to be fiscally disciplined.  Rangel also cautioned that the Social Security trust fund will NOT be raided -- he and his committee have a moral responsibility to protect Social Security.

Funny how the Bush Baby has not said ONE word about Social Security since his selection.

Schieffer then turned to Phil Gramm, who "can't imagine we will not have this tax cut passed by July."  Gramm lectured Schieffer on giving 6 cents out of every dollar back to taxpayers.  Has Gramm picked up any other support besides Zell Miller?  Gramm instead talked about a debt-reduction program -- which must mean "no."

Borger asked Rangel about "growing" the tax cut.  Rangel called for growing and supporting Social Security and helping people who cannot afford health insurance -- which sort of makes one wonder why Little George wants a tax cut.

Gramm mischaracterized Greenspan's comments as saying that the surplus is a certain depressing influence on the economy.  Rangel had the last word -- speculation on the surplus is no way to determine policy!

We skipped the segment on the Super Bowl -- a major fumble that cost Face the Nation a shot at the Pundit Bowl.  Also hurting the Schieffer-Borger team: the fact that CBS limits the show to 30 minutes.  When will they show some class and let FTN become a major-league pundit show?

This Weak
The last days of "Scam" Donaldson and "Cocky" Boggs Roberts

Our team of Pundit Pap writers is wondering what "Cocky" Cokie Boggs Roberts will do now that Bush is the Ovate Office (the office is not oval at all).

Of course, Sam "Scam" Donaldson and Cokie covered the same topics the other spin shows covered: taxes, abortion, and -- of course -- CLINTON'S "SCANDALOUS" LEAVE-TAKING.

"The Honeymoon's still on, Sam!" croaked Cokie.

"You bet," gushed Scam.

Sam asked Cheney pretty much the same questions that Fat Tim did.

So why should we bother covering this, the lowest rent of the pundit shows, when you can just scroll up to read about the Cheney interview?  Read on...

Cheney remembered to CRITICIZE Clinton for having no energy policy. Sam -- ha, ha, ha -- said "EXCUSE ME! Are you just gonna JAWBONE or doing something NOW? This problem is immediate!" Cheney simply continued to lie, basically saying that Bush can do nothing and that it's California's problem. His message: MORE CAPACITY -- MORE CAPACITY -- USE MORE OIL -- USE MORE GAS -- BUY IT FROM BUSH FAMILY!!!!

Sam then said to Cheney: "BUSH TO CALIFORNIANS -- DROP DEAD!"

We were laughing and cheering out loud. Sam was putting the screws to Dick, who today walks around with a finger-operated defibrillator and even acts dead. Yet he just droned on about some bullshit National Energy Policy that he and Bush Baby are working on between joy rides on Air Force One.

Tax cuts were next. "How much do you guys think you can put through," asked Sam incredulously. He also asked if Alan Greenspan is TOO OLD to be reappointed to the FED. "We hope it goes on forever and ever," said Oil Guru Cheney.

Meanwhile Sam brought up Oil Guru Bush's appointment of racist Neofascist John AssKKKroft. Cheney whined, "He's had to answer 350 questions from the Committee."

Wow -- that's SO MUCH to ask of a man.

Sam brought up gays and AssKKKroft's opposition to naming Jim Hormel ambassador to Luxembourg. Ashcroft told the Senate Judiciary committee that he would not approve of Jim Hormel, the gay heir to the Hormel meat packing fortune, as ambassador to Luxembourg because -- catch this --it is the most "Catholic" country in the world.

What a laugh -- it's one of the most LIBERAL "supermarket Catholic" nations on the planet -- you MORON! And as if certain priests we know aren't gay as well.

Sam kept it up. Would you vote for Ashcroft if it was true that he asked Hormel if he was Gay? Cheney weaseled out.

Sam wanted to know if Oilmen Cheney and Bush are planning to block the Rich pardon based on a couple of 19th century cases. Cheney lied and said he hasn't had time to study the issue.

Sam also wanted to know if Cheney thinks the OSPREY vertical takeoff plane should be killed. Hey -- isn't the Osprey a protected species?

Wow -- Sam does not seem to ready to put up with "Scams" from the Bush Baby Administration.

It was No-Doz time -- Cokie had the boring Dick Gephardt on next. Snore.

Gep said that Bush is "wooing" him well. Oh, God. When did Gep change parties?

"This is a prescription to get things done. He may go to a Senate Democratic retreat and to ours in the House as well. We wanna get things done."

Cokie said that many Democrats do not want to be in the middle, they want to be left of Bush Baby and the Neo-Nazis. Well, Cokie, said Gep, we need to come to consensus. Okay -- said Cokie, do you think that California should solve its own problems then? Gep said certainly the state has to work through a lot of this, but "we have to look at REGIONAL policy." Unbelievable! Dick Gephardt is another little swine! He is also calling for a NATIONAL ENERGY POLICY! He's become a BUSH CLONE.

Cokie then turned to Education. She said Shrub seems to be backing away from vouchers. Gep then said -- if you can believe it -- "...leave no child behind..." That's the Bush Brat slogan!! He also wants "accountability" -- but from who? Parents? Teachers? Or CONGRESS?

Then he said this: "I think we can allow 'faith-based' organizations to spend federal dollars on education." Disgusting. Why did we bother fighting the Revolution?

Gephardt said he also wants a tax cut -- smaller than Dumbya's but larger than Gore's. He wants to double Gore's 750 million over ten years. Wow! That's about 30 cents per American body each year. How does that work? Or did he mean billion? He also wants to give the cut to the people who really need it.

Gep said that fetal stem cells, international family planning, and abortion will NOT be easy issues for Bush -- and he has real concerns about Asscraft. Thank the Lord!

The next segment was the "This Weak Panel of Moronic Pundits Plus Sam" -- we have elevated Donaldson for bloodying Cheney so nicely!

Cokie said she thinks that Bush is keeping his conservative base at least "a little happy." Then she asked -- catch this -- the Mac MacArthur Question: "Why is okay to take a heart from a dead felon, but not okay to take cells from a dead fetus?" Of course psychodramatist George "Swill" Will is anxious about tax cuts. George "Staphylococcus" Stephanopoulos said that "Old Alan Greenspam" did not say a tax cut is okay. Will was stunned silent, it seemed. Will said that Cheney remembers the FORD tax cut. Sam has concluded that McCain and Bush made a deal on campaign finance -- and Staph chimed in with the revelation that Cheney is THE ENFORCER on campaign finance reform.

We think that Bush will veto any campaign finance bill. We all know this. So why do they even bother talking about it?

Cokie said the Dems want soft money too. She is right -- and it's up to the President to protect both parties. He will -- you can bet your mama on it!

The panel pretty much felt that AssKKKroft will get the nod unless something else comes up to kill his nomination. Hormel, blacks and all the other racist and sexist things Asscraft stands for are not enough to get even ONE Republican to vote against him.

Well, maybe poor old Arlen Specter will HAVE to vote against him -- but we don't think so.

After a bunch of silly commercials, it was GET CLINTON TIME!

Sam showed a clip of Buddy the Dog grabbing the President Clinton's ass and pulling him to the ground!!! It was funny, but really not called for.

Judas Staph-o-Maximus said that the "entire" former White House staff is "in denial" on the Rich pardon. Newsweek (a scummy magazine at best) is reporting that someone is thinking about not DELIVERING the pardon to Rich. But that is stupid: the pardon has been made, and nothing can be done about it.

"Staph" talked about overblown charges surrounding alleged pranks departing Clinton-Gore staffers played on the Bush Administration as they departed. They took the "W" keys off computer keyboards. They locked drawers shut. They wrote dirty slogans about Bush on the walls (easily removed).

Big deal, we say.

Scam said Bush won by five votes -- The Supreme Court. Yes! It is clear to all that Gore won the presidency. However, it is over, Sam and Cokie. Sam foolishly said, "Get over it."

Don't count on it, Sam!

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