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Dedicated to George W. Bush, MBA, a man who understands the business of being President.
Feb. 5, 2001 (APJP) -- We humbly confess that we have been bad, very bad, and hereby renounce our Satanic works of political satire directed against the Bush campaign over the past eight months.
May our Corporate Masters and God -- we can no longer tell them apart -- have mercy on our souls.
We have finally understood that when we believed America was a democracy we were as pathetic as when we believed it was a republic.
America is neither; it is a Capitalist. Incorporated. Writ hugely for the jealous world to envy. The only important political principle worth going to war over is that what's profitable today can be made even more profitable tomorrow, with a little streamlined workmanship or service, or thriftier materials, or job exporting, or corporate downsizing.
In Election 2000, the Supreme Court did not rob Al Gore of the Presidency. The Supreme Court protected Al Gore from himself and his rabble of economic hillbillies intent on blocking a $1,800,000,000,000,000,000 tax cut and thus preventing the highly compassionate redistribution of wealth back to corporations and the rich from whence it came.
After a recent discussion with our own corporate taskmasters, a discussion during which -- in the fashion of George W. Bush -- we looked into one other's hearts, we came to realize that our Beloved Employer needs Hard Ass Republicans in charge of the World in order to operate profitably and still have enough to pay us our hourly wage.
Furthermore, when Clinton and the other godless Democrats were in power, not only did labor unions, those enemies of the people and of peaceful capitalist society, begin threatening to organize workers over just-take-the-pain medical benefits but consumers started getting uppity with anti-trust, anti-tobacco, anti-tread-separation, and other anti-discomfort lawsuits. Such frivolousness cost business billions of dollars that could have been used to pay bonuses to upper management.
To demonstrate our absolute support for all things corporate, we now donate all of our Saturdays to Corporate Faith-based Workfare, a George W. Bush program designed to clear the rolls of Corporate Welfare, smoke two packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day, wear a "Joe Camel is Kool for Kids" t-shirt around town, and refuse to drive on any tires but Firestones, which, we might add, are a pretty good buy at the moment.
The bottom line? We believe George W. Bush, Vice President Cheney, Attorney General Ashcroft, that Commerce Secretary guy, and all those other kick-ass Republicans will soon put the whiners and complainers in their place and God back in business.
We plea with anyone who obtained a copy of our blasphemous BUSH COUP D'ETAT jpeg to make certain no children see it and then to obliterate the electrons from which it is made, disposing of them permanently so that they do not contaminate anyone else's thinking as they did ours.
Support Your Local Faith-based Capitalist!
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